I feel like I’m losing my husband

[Cyeo123]

We’ve been together since we were teenagers, in our thirties now, with DS age 3. We’ve always been very close. He has these meltdowns where he decides he’s had enough of me and everything. I remember the first one clearly, I think we’d been together a handful of years. He said im a misery and I make him miserable, I cried my eyes out, we were parked outside a restaurant and we still went in then he acted like nothing had happened. He has said this to me during every row/meltdown ever since. I’m not a bubbly person im fairly quiet. Since having DS things have been hard. We love our son but I don’t think we cope very well with him and his tantrums which are a daily occurrence. This affects our moods and also restricts what we can do and where we can go. Days out usually end in tears. We have very little support. Every time he decides to fall out with me he tells me he’s unhappy and regrets getting married. Still calling me a misery. I usually haven’t ever done anything wrong except maybe appeared “moody”. He just gets like this. It’s becoming a regular occurrence and it happened again last night but this time he’s talking about going to stop at a relatives for a few days which has got me worried. I love him so much and don’t want it to end but at the same time I’m aware that this keeps happening and sometimes I think I should accept that this is probably it. But then again only the other day he was saying how lucky he was to have me. Sex is still there but he definitely has a higher sex drive than me. I just feel like I’m walking round on egg shells. Maybe he’s just saying these things in the heat of the moment? But it’s the fact it’s the same things every single time. I am so confused. In some ways we are so so similar but then in some ways we are so different and it’s apparent the differences in personality do clash between us. I feel like it can be salvaged but I’m just waiting for it to happen again.

Sorry you're struggling, it's not nice.

Having been in a similar situation where I was always at fault and inferior somehow, it makes you feel worthless and strips your self esteem.

My marriage was abusive and those parts of it was emotional and psychological. It never ended and was daily. I don't know your situation other than what you have said but it sounds familiar.

Just remember there is nothing wrong with who you are, you don't need to change yourself in order to please others. Likewise, you are not responsible for his actions, only he is so these meltdowns are on him and him alone.

It sounds to me, same as it was in mine, rather than communicate and work through things he's belittling and attacking you instead. Rather than rectify or maybe see he is overreacting, he's not in the wrong, you are.

Can I assume you don't get very far when trying to discuss things like this?

I've come to learn, after being away now that it wasn't healthy and that wasn't love. You don't treat someone you love that way.

Stay strong in the meantime and try not to let it wear you down.

@Catsafterme thank you for your honest reply. I have always thought to an extent I’m not good enough for him. Not outgoing enough. Not successful enough. Not a good enough driver (always picks on this). We have talked about it before, and he says none of it true. He says he gets down and takes it out on me as a punishment to himself. But it happens again and again and again. I always feel like it’s my fault, I’m trying to work out what I did last night to set him off but I honestly don’t know this time. Maybe I didn’t smile enough? He went out without saying a word to me this morning and I’m just going to spend the day feeling sick, again. Then it’ll be up to me to pick up the pieces and pretend nothings happened, then when he’s calmed down I’ll talk about it and he’ll say he was just stressed, and he’ll be okay for a week or two or three then the same thing will happen again. It’s like he’s bipolar, one minute he loves me the next minute my presence pisses him off. I really am trying but everything he says sticks in my head and it’s hard to forget.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Its not you, its him. How dare he do this to you and in turn his son. And you are good enough so do not think otherwise. You did nothing to supposedly provoke him and its certainly nothing to do with you not smiling enough; this is all on him and he alone. Walking on eggshells is to my mind also code for living in fear. And do not try and put labels like bi polar onto him; he does this to you because he can and feels entitled to do so.

What is his own family background like, I ask as this can give clues. How is his relationship with his parents?.

I would seriously now consider if this is a marriage you at all want to remain in. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; i.e we've been together since we were teens. What is the longest period of time you've ever been single?.

I would think he does not behave like this around people in the outside world or with his work colleagues.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. His own daily tantrums; what are the triggers?. Is he in turn reacting to life within your home?. This is no life for you and in turn your child who will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. His nice/nasty cycle is abusive as well as a continuous one. If you are UK based I would urge you to contact Womens Aid whilst he is absent and get their advice.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he has no relationship with his dad, his dad cheated on is mother throughout his childhood, none stop. He was very selfish and nasty. DH was brought up aware of it all. His mother used to try and turn him and his sister against their dad. They actually never split and still live together now but live separate lives. His mother is around but he says he doesn’t love his mother and his mother was always cold with him and when his sister was born he was pushed aside. He classes his grandparents and his parents, one of which is no longer with us and he does get very nostalgic about the time he spent with them. He says the only love he’s ever felt is from me and his grandparents.
The thought of living on my own doesn’t scare me, but i feel like the relationship can be saved, but I feel like I need to make more effort to keep him happy. I’ve had a promotion at work and thought that would help but he says I only got it cos of him pushing me. True I suppose. I’m a little shocked at the suggestion of abuse. Your responses have been very eye opening.

@Cyeo123 Yeah it was the same in mine too, although I am a guy and had this with my wife. I went through the whole maybe it's bipolar but I know bipolar and it's not the same. Difficult and prone to explosions but have empathy and are remorseful for their actions after the fact.

In my case I found it had been same throughout their childhood and I wasn't the only one who received that behavior. Now, everyone in our lives have been disowned, deemed inferior or a problem.

It was very much like two personalities, one who adored you and one that hated you and at first it was months apart then it became daily, hourly. Never knew what mood were in or how the day would unfold, didn't matter what you did even nice thoughtful things, it would explode and the problem was me in some way.

It's emotional and psychological abuse and the end result is you question everything, your reality, yourself and what's wrong with you. Why does this person treat me this way, it must be me. It's not you though it's them. It doesn't matter how much you change it will always be the same result I found.

As PP said you need to look at his past and yours. If you are like me, I was shy and quiet and grew up with chaos and that relationship felt normal. However, it's not normal, it's toxic. I have never experienced a true genuine relationship without some form of chaos and I understand that's why I ended up in that situation.

Don't let him wear you down it turns your head inside out. You are not to blame, you are you, he does not want you to be who you are but some character he deems you should be while not changing himself or talking responsibility for his own behavior.

I am sorry he has had a hard lot in life with the adults bar his grandparents in it letting him down. However, he cannot use this now as an excuse to emotionally beat you down with.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and his treatment of you now is abusive in nature. Abuse too is not just physical in nature.

Why do you think the relationship can be saved?. Ask yourself why you think this at all. You cannot save this on your own and from what you write he is not putting any effort into this relationship at all. What more can you do other than you are doing now; nothing. It could be argued he does not want your help and support. And again, do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

It’s like he’s bipolar, one minute he loves me the next minute my presence pisses him off.

Arrrgh this is NOT bipolar FFS.

This is an abusive controlling dickhead who emotionally manipulates you into playing to his tune by telling you he'll leave. Just call his bluff and he'll stop or he'll go, either way you win. Or take control back and dump him before his stupid behaviour rubs off on your child.

Bipolar is a mental illness that causes depressive phases that last for months and manic/hypomanic phases that last for days (or weeks if untreated) and it is treatable with medication. That is IT. It is NOTHING to do with being nice one minute and an arsehole the next.

I'm sorry you're going through this but what a shitty thing to say.

What effort does he make to please you, OP?

He's bloody lucky you've stuck around, he sounds like a dickhead!

You wrote a lot about him, but not much about your own self. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Reading Catsafterme's post above made me think that you were also raised similarly.

I think we are all responsible for our own happiness not our partners. You can’t make other people happy by changing yourself to suit them. It is not healthy and will make you miserable.

You have a child and being a parent is difficult and it is even harder when someone else uses you as an emotional punching bag. He is wearing you down and be honest OP do you actually enjoy the relationship anymore. Is he still the person you run to with things or have you stopped telling him stuff in case it triggers another meltdown from him or you don’t get the response you feel you need or deserve.

Apologies that was insensitive of me. I do feel like he does have something going on mentally but obviously it’s not that.

I feel like you’ve hit every nail on the head.
The main difference being he wasn’t like how he is now til a bit later in life. He falls out with his mother and sister these days like there’s no tomorrow and they also comment on feeling like they walk on eggshells with him.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experience with me. I’m sorry you experienced this too.

It’s getting to that point to be honest.
but when things are good, they’re good, great actually. That’s what I’m hanging on to.

I feel like I need to make more effort to keep him happy.

How much effort does he make to keep you happy?

one minute he loves me the next minute my presence pisses him off

He is a manipulative, abusive arsehole and you and your son would be better off without him.

Imagine the peace of no longer walking on eggshells...

Hi there,

I think if you can then you both need to have space. This cannot continue, it IS abusive. Just because you have both been together since teens / first love, unfortunately doesn't mean this is ok. You also dont have other adult relationships to compare to.
He is treating you like crap and you both have a 3 year old, who probably picks up on all this toxic shite.

So for all of you, come to an agreement to take some time out, let him go to the relatives as long as he still plays his part as a father! You should both get answers after some space.

Hope this helps x

You're looking for answers, it's okay. Bipolar is deemed that way by a lot of people but it doesn't work that way in reality.

Mine also had issues with parents and basically everyone, and looked to a grandparent as their actual parent. When that person died it got a lot worse but they were like it before. Not quite the same or as frequent but it was the same behavior. Even that grandparent tried and failed.

I didn't actually realize at the time but writing everything back down from the beginning of the relationship up until now, good and bad I saw it actually started six months in. Our relationship catapulted and accelerated very fast, not the norm and I was initially sold a victim story of how everyone else treated them horribly.

Only, down the line I started to see these horrible people were in fact not horrible and they were seeing issues and conflict that didn't exist. After marriage, pretty much on the day it ramped up and then went full batshit after we had children.

I would think the happier times are now much fewer and further between as well as being only on his terms.

Are things really that great when things between you are good?. Or is that only so because you have squashed yourself and your feelings down.

Life gets more stressful as we get more responsibilities. He's not managing his stress. He is instead clashing out at you. Possibly blaming you in his mind. Whatever. The only way the relationship has any chance is if HE wants to change and HE goes to therapy to a) how inappropriate his reaction is to stress and b) how to manage his stress.

It won't change if you just try to change yourself because you are not the issue. He will continue to do this until HE learns how to deal with pressure and stress and responsibility. You'll just change and change until you are a shell of a person and he will still do this. Only he will also stop loving you as you won't be you anymore and he'll probably leave during you as the problem.

@Cyeo123 Imagine yourself with an adult daughter. Imagine she comes to you and tells you the story of her own relationship that you've told us about yours. What advice would you give her?

OP, you sound like me. My exH had a terrible relationship with his parents and is a narcissist. He was never violent, but the emotional abuse was awful. I stayed for close to 20 years. We have two children.
Only now, 8 months after we separated, can I look back and realise just how awful it was.
I lived in a permanent state of anxiety and tried so, so hard not to upset him. I lost so much confidence in myself, in my own ability to have an opinion, to make a decision.
His pattern of behaviour was sulking, silent treatment and emotional isolation. It was soul destroying. As a result of the effect it had on me I made some very bad choices in my quest to keep him happy and keep us together.

You have spent most of your life in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, and you don't even realise it. Your husband is a manipulative, gaslighting abuser. End of.

You're the one who should be telling him to pack his shit and get out.

I would like to add also that I am a much calmer person, a nicer person, away from the anxiety that trying to please him caused.
I'm a better Mum because I'm calmer and have more capacity to deal with the challenges parenting throws at me.

Your son is learning that abusing his future wife is normal.

He works so incredibly hard, he says it’s for us all, to make sure we have the best of everything because he wants the best for us.
He can be very affectionate. Funny.
he has zero empathy though. None

He sounds awful OP. Your son is probably picking up the atmosphere, which is why he's playing up.