I feel like I’m losing my husband

[Cyeo123]

We’ve been together since we were teenagers, in our thirties now, with DS age 3. We’ve always been very close. He has these meltdowns where he decides he’s had enough of me and everything. I remember the first one clearly, I think we’d been together a handful of years. He said im a misery and I make him miserable, I cried my eyes out, we were parked outside a restaurant and we still went in then he acted like nothing had happened. He has said this to me during every row/meltdown ever since. I’m not a bubbly person im fairly quiet. Since having DS things have been hard. We love our son but I don’t think we cope very well with him and his tantrums which are a daily occurrence. This affects our moods and also restricts what we can do and where we can go. Days out usually end in tears. We have very little support. Every time he decides to fall out with me he tells me he’s unhappy and regrets getting married. Still calling me a misery. I usually haven’t ever done anything wrong except maybe appeared “moody”. He just gets like this. It’s becoming a regular occurrence and it happened again last night but this time he’s talking about going to stop at a relatives for a few days which has got me worried. I love him so much and don’t want it to end but at the same time I’m aware that this keeps happening and sometimes I think I should accept that this is probably it. But then again only the other day he was saying how lucky he was to have me. Sex is still there but he definitely has a higher sex drive than me. I just feel like I’m walking round on egg shells. Maybe he’s just saying these things in the heat of the moment? But it’s the fact it’s the same things every single time. I am so confused. In some ways we are so so similar but then in some ways we are so different and it’s apparent the differences in personality do clash between us. I feel like it can be salvaged but I’m just waiting for it to happen again.

What about you OP? Your needs? Your feelings? Your happiness?

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you will never be ‘good enough’ because no matter what you do he will keep setting the bar higher.

Imagine how much headspace you would have if you dumped him.

love this is a textbook abusive relationship. And it’s very sad he had a shitty childhood and his mum didn’t love him and daddy didn’t care etc etc but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to him abusing you. God it’s so painful to read “I need to try harder to make him happy” 🙄 I’ve been there too so I’m not trying to be an arsehole I’m just literally so exasperated seeing this. His is ABUSIVE behaviour. No doubt. He’s probably a narcissist - do some googling to see if you recognise this disorder in him. But serrriously! His mum and sister are scared of him? Gross! What an embarrassment of a man!

Even if he was just an average man who wasn’t fundamentally narcissistic and/or abusive but felt stuck in a relationship it STILL wouldn’t be good would it?

normal positive relationships don’t leave one person feeling like shit and unworthy. You’ve been with him so long you don’t know anything else but there are many men out there who would just be nice to you ALL the time (many of whom also have had traumatic childhoods too but don’t take it out on their partners!)

please rapidly leave this man. Set him free and in doing so you’ll free yourself. Don’t wait around for years trying to fix someone or hoping for it to change - he’s been doing this since early in your relationship…why would he suddenly change? What could you possibly do to suddenly change his behaviour? the answer is nothing. And before you worry about it - yes, he will do it to the next girlfriend too. And youll be sad and devestated because your trauma bonded (google it to see if you agree) but you will be happier. I promise even at your lowest you’ll be happier.

My parents relationship was fine growing up.
I failed to mention at 15 I was in a relationship with someone older, for 2 years, who was extremely controlling. I always classed that relationship as abusive, because it was clear to me that that’s what it was. He’d threaten me with suicide if I dared look at another boy. Sharpen knives down the phone to my parents when they wouldn’t let me see him. That sort of shit. I’ve never classed my marriage as abusive, because it’s not like it was with him.

I'd be helping pack his bag...............

@Cyeo123
OP, you and your husband have been together since you were teens. It sounds as though you have matured physically and developed good work ethics, but you have not matured emotionally. He is still having meltdowns and you are still crying your eyes out. You are both still responding to each other and to stress the same way that you did 19 years ago.

Perhaps you have grown apart and are afraid of analyzing and accepting it. You say that you really love him, but maybe the question should be " you love him as compared to what? "

Maybe, the 2 of you should consider getting couples counseling and having some external light focused on your relationship. Maybe what you are calling "love' is just familiarity and reluctance to look to deeply at your situation. It is one thing to look at his parents relationship as a part of forming his issues, but after 19 years he has been with as long or maybe even longer than he lived with his parents and the same is true of you.

Consider getting the counseling, it is clear that on your own the 2 of you are not capable of moving yourselves and your relationship to a better place. If you are not willing to to this for yourselves, do it for your child. He deserves a chance to grow up with emotionally healthy adults.

Maybe he can be lovely, affectionate, funny etc, but there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to make that happen all the time and stop the abuse, threatening to leave, and all that.

His behaviour is absolutely not your responsibility, and that means trying to find a way for yourself to behave to make him change is utterly pointless and will just add to the harm to you and your self-esteem.

Please stop looking for ways to "save the marriage". You can't. Focus on saving yourself and your child.

Cyeo123

re your comment:
"I failed to mention at 15 I was in a relationship with someone older, for 2 years, who was extremely controlling. I always classed that relationship as abusive, because it was clear to me that that’s what it was. He’d threaten me with suicide if I dared look at another boy. Sharpen knives down the phone to my parents when they wouldn’t let me see him. That sort of shit. I’ve never classed my marriage as abusive, because it’s not like it was with him".

But your now H controls and otherwise abuses you by melt downs and calling you both a misery and miserable. You are neither; it is he projecting his own self onto you and if you were truly so why hasn't he left?. Its also because he likes having you around to abuse you. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme would help you no end now.

You are the scapegoat for his inherent ills; ills you did not cause.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by the above previous abuse, are being further eroded by your H now.

"I feel like I'm losing my husband"
Best thing that could ever happen to you imo.
He's an abusive arsehole, he's abusive to you, you hang onto the good times (when he's not being abusive) you wait until he's calmed down so you can try to put things right, he gives you the silent treatment, everything is your fault except when you do something right then he takes the glory.
Horrendous way to live.
Call his bluff.
" I'm sorry you're not happy, I understand that you'd be happier away from me, the cause of all your misery, when would you like to leave, do you want some help with your packing?"
And mean it!

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue.

Couples counselling as well is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

If counselling is to be at all considered here I would urge you Cyeo to go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship.

An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.

Couples often enter couple’s therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he/she does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected him/her.

Another reason that couple’s therapy or counseling is not recommended is that the facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, her or she may believe the abuser.

Next time he brings it up, ask him if he wants a hand packing his bags.

Threatening to leave, calling you names etc is abuse! He's eroding your self esteem and putting you on a knife edge all the time. Awful and horrid behaviour

Hi OP.

I was in a long term relationship prior to meeting my DH and I experienced the exact same thing. We really did love each other, and I cared for him so much, but the relationship was neglectful. Often he would have these strange moments where he would blame me for his mood, saying that I made him miserable and depressed, but I hadn't done anything. He literally lived around the corner and barely saw me. He would make up any excuse not to, and then when we were together we would just argue about nothing. We had some fun times of course, which is what I held on to, but in the end we decided we just weren't compatible, and split up amicably.
However, years on, and in a new relationship, I can see that the relationship was verging on abusive - in terms of neglect and emotional abuse. He really made me feel absolutely awful about myself, I was on eggshells all the time. Being with my husband now, I am 100% myself, I don't have to worry about upsetting him. We have so much love and respect for one another, and would never dream of hurting the other intentionally.
It might be time to have a proper conversation and work out if this relationship is worth it for both of you. It sounds like there might be a need for couples and individual counselling if so.

Hugs xx

I think I would call his bluff. Next time he says he’s leaving help him pack his bag

May be a shock as I get the impression wasn't expecting these responses but be aware of how abuse varies. You've already been in controlling relationship before, it can be done in various ways.

Can only go off what experienced ourselves and in mine, no amount of expressing concern or to try rectify things, improve our relationship worked. It was I was wrong and they were right, end of story.

Be careful of how you proceed, sometimes like mine any hint of seeing the behavior or raising it, made it worse. Likewise, anything said in terms of plans was used against me and they adapted, twisted things. This I believe is why couples counselling isn't advised, it can be used to wear you down with third parties by twisting the narrative.

Mine also threatened to leave multiple times and did infact disappear on occasions but they came back hours later, ramped it up and made me feel like I should be grateful they didn't.

Lots of red flags here. A close friend has just got out of a similar situation. There’s information on emotional abuse here - read through and see if any of it resonates. https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

Will he be aware that what he’s doing is emotional abuse? Or could he be doing it without realising?

Neither. He is mostly likely a narcissist, totally self-absorbed and doesn't care.

But you shouldn't concern yourself with the why and how. Focus on protecting yourself and getting away from him.

I’ve read like 2 of your posts OP and can already ascertain that

1. He says horrible stuff about you, the classic “you’re so miserable”, I got that one too
2. You mention he has a higher libido which to me means you end up giving into his demands for sex or he makes you feel bad about it
3. You feel confused and often don’t know “what you’ve done” to upset him which leads on to..
4. you feel like you’re walking on eggshells

beyond that OP he tells you he’s done with the relationship yet never leaves (funny that).

none of this is normal or healthy, it’s very wearing and it grinds down your soul to a fine dust to be blown away on the winds of life and aging year after year until you are a shell of your former self.

look up the cycle of abuse OP. For me to I held on to “but when it’s good it’s good”, but it wasn’t really all that sh*t is a distraction and designed to confuse you and keep you in the relationship.

i notice you mentioned like he’s “bipolar” which PP has discussed with you, perhaps the words you need are “like Jekyll and Hyde”.

mine was mostly certainly a narcissist and I feel myself starting to return after putting him in the bin.

that’s my advice OP.

I feel sick
I feel like I need to prove you all wrong because I can’t believe this is happening
How have I been so blind I feel like I’m having a bad dream.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Oh yes, do read that book, @Cyeo123

I believe it is available as a free PDF online.

This 100%, there is literally no point in trying to understand or reason with their behaviour, they are compelled to it. They don’t feel guilt, shame or empathy like ordinary people.

All they can do is deflect and assign blame, and assassinate your character for the sake of maintaining their own, at the very least in their own mind.

Do they do it on purpose? Yes abusers chose to abuse, it may be their coping mechanism in life but that’s not an excuse, but yes, they chose to do it.

If he does have some form of NPD/BPD (not the same thing but in a similar cluster), I have also read many people are mistakenly diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) really have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Seeing as your husbands childhood seemed to be fairly traumatic, it could be a case of this driving some of his behaviours. In any case, I’m just some person on the Internet and the only thing I know for sure is that you don’t have to tolerate abuse whatever the reason (and there’s never a good reason for it), he may benefit from addressing his childhood etc. but quite often, people don’t want to seek help and have difficulty actually recognising that they need and would benefit from therapy or treatment.

I’ve suggested therapy before. I actually suggested it the other day when he had an outburst because he said he feels like he’s going mad due to parenting a small child who he said “is relentless”
I said some therapy might help you to cope with the stress. He exploded and said it’s not stress. He thinks it’s his circumstances that’s the problem (I think he meant DS in hindsight because he can’t really do what he wants anymore).

Two possibilities - he may be depressed which can make people snappy and focused on the negative. And some people use others to dump all of their bad or negative feelings onto. The other possibility is that he is just a horrible person who covered it up for a while. Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable and has to stop now. This is what stood out for me -
He says he gets down and takes it out on me as a punishment to himself.
That's bullshit. If he was punishing himself he would be talking badly about himself.

What jumped out at me from your post was the possibility of borderline personality disorder. The push pull dynamic (I hate you/don’t leave me) and idealization/ devaluation is a feature if this disorder, which has its roots in childhood trauma. Research it and see if anything else sounds familiar. Bear in mind it is possible to be high functioning, maintain friendships and jobs and the symptoms only come out in romantic relationships.

At the very least it sounds like a disorganized attachment style. Have you tried couples or individual counseling?