DP can't get over this (seemingly) little thing

[Garlicnaan]

I'm getting frustrated as DP doesn't seem to make much effort to nurture our relationship. He's loads better than a lot of men on here, he arranged a lovely birthday for me, made a cake etc, but it's making me insecure because I feel like he can't be arsed.

One of the things I'm hurt by is that except for my birthday he doesn't plan any activities or nights out for us. Which means if I don't arrange them, they don't happen.

I've brought this up with him and nothing has changed.

He says that it's because earlier in our relationship I poopoohed his ideas for things to do or didn't seem very enthusiastic. I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.

This was 10+ years ago though. Am I being unfair to expect him to find a way to move past this? How can I help him to? Or am I being unfair expecting him to do this at all?

I just want to feel loved and appreciated.

To me that seems a convenient excuse to not have to bother. I mean I could understand if he was trying to organize things consistently and you did that but ten years ago, no.

I know relationship wise things can simmer down but you would think as you have already brought it up he may understand.

What happens when you try and discuss it, does he actually take anything in or does he shut the conversation down with the past experience?

Similar here but also he genuinely doesn't actually think/plan ahead at all and would ideally just suggest something last minute which doesn't work because we'd need a babysitter if we were to go out. Does he make lots of other plans with friends etc?

I am wondering if some kind of regular date night might work as then it is planned in and we can take in turns to come up with ideas for it.

You sound pretty high maintenance.

I would pay attention to what he said about poopoohing his ideas and tell him you’ll be more open to suggestions. And actually be more open.

He says that it's because earlier in our relationship I poopoohed his ideas for things to do or didn't seem very enthusiastic. I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.

It does sound like a convenient excuse for him but then you say: “I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.” Why do you think that’s a helpful distinction to make? It doesn’t change his main point: indeed, it confirms his perception that you dismissed his ideas of things to do. Indeed, you even quarrel with his description of how you dismissed his suggestions! Have you tried owning that perhaps you have been a bit dismissive in the past but you would love him to make some suggestions?

Maybe he had enough of getting it wrong sorry but its not always the blokes fault.
You do really sound pretty high maintenance and entitled.

(I poopoohed his ideas for things to do or didn't seem very enthusiastic. I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.)

For the sounds of it he just left it up to you so he didnt get it wrong.

Ugh, another whining manbaby blaming a woman for his own laziness and lack of commitment. Still dining out on a comment you made a decade ago. Strategic incompetence.

You'll find MN full of women tripping over themselves in their haste to excuse him and make it all your fault. Ignore them.

Well that didnt take long 🙄

"I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested."

I don't understand. You want him to just go ahead and arrange things regardless of your reaction?

On another thread, a poster's DH got ripped to shreds for arranging a treat not to her taste without consulting her first.

I guess it depends on whether he's using 10 years ago as an excuse to be lazy, or if he really was discouraged initially and settled into that pattern (happened in my relationship tbh, some things we tried and they didn't work out at the start, so we've just never really tried them since).

Surely though after 10 years he now knows what sort of things you like

My partner knows I am always happy to go to cinema last minute and the sort of films we like but a restaurant we'd need to plan a bit more and check i like the particular menu. And a day out would need more notice and checking weather etc.

So yes he is lazy. He can just try again to suggest sone ideas for next weekend just to start the discussion-else you do end up planning it all and never sure if partner actually wants to do anything!

Not sure mine actually plans anything as I am the planner but he has stepped up magnificently when in strange countries to ensure the plans I made happened (ie navigating strange transport systems when I would have given up)

*"I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested."

I don't understand your point. You want him to just go ahead and arrange things regardless of your reaction?*

OP's point is that it's not that her partner went to all this effort only to have it be unappreciated and depreciated by OP (ugh, why did you book a lane at the bowling alley? Can't you even remember my weekly We Hate Bowling meet-ups?), but made suggestions which OP didn't find appealing (how about we go rockclimbing?/ No, I don't really enjoy that and wouldn't want to do it on my birthday). The point is that he didn't make plans only to be crushed.

OP wants her partner to make an effort and, on the basis of knowing OP and knowing what she likes to do, come up with some suggestion that would be a pleasant thought for OP.

I wonder if there are many things that you mentioned ten years ago that have become an instant but lifelong habit for him? If only you'd known what an impact your early words would have, you could have had him slavishly commited to some much more productive habits than never troubling his arse to plan a night out!!

@Precipice ok I see what you mean – that he was discouraged disproportionately in comparison to the amount of effort put in (just suggesting).

It's a bit damned if he does, damned if he doesn't imo because he'd be criticised for making plans without consulting OP beforehand. But I do see your point.

However, to be v literal/pedantic, I find your dialogue examples misleading. The difference between the examples you've given is not one of suggestion vs execution. It's one of tone – critical vs polite.

You can respond to both with a critical tone:

• Arranged: 'ugh, why did you book a lane at the bowling alley? Can't you even remember my weekly We Hate Bowling meet-ups?'
• Suggested: 'ugh, why would you book a lane at the bowling alley? Can't you even remember my weekly We Hate Bowling meet-ups?'

Or both with a polite tone: 'I don't really enjoy that/this and wouldn't want to do it on my birthday'.

Of course a polite rejection would still sting more after it had all been arranged, but in any scenario a criticising negative reaction would be quite permanently discouraging.

I guess it really depends on what both OP and her husband are like. As I said, if he's just being lazy with an excuse, no hope there. If he's just demoralised, give some positive reinforcement. I've been in both positions – the one discouraged by my mum when I try to make fun plans together, and the inadvertent perpetual critic of my DH when he wants to make plans – so I can sympathise with both parties.

We just sort or do things together and make it happen, there is no real 'you/me organise this' it all just kinda happens

Do people need another to specifically organise things like a child has done for them?

You have to learn to love and appreciate yourself always and firstly before and after becoming involved with someone.

It doesn't seem that you do.

You have tolerated and allowed this to go on for many years.

Set yourself free of him, or stay unhappy and with nothing changing in your relationship.

Stop accepting this.

Learn to love yourself perhaps in therapy

I think he is being ridiculous. At the beginning of a relationship you don't know the person very well. Now he should know what you like and don't like, surely?

Does he do things that perhaps you "can't be arsed to do"?
What I mean is, for example my DH is very bad at organising couple things or presents (I absolutely get nothing at anytime) but he will fix all the stuff I brake (boy do I ever) without any complaints, drive the kids everywhere they want to go, do the dishes without me asking, when I am unwell tell me off for getting out of bed and get me stuffs.
While from the outside it looks bad as like he "can't be arsed and doesn't care about me" what really happens is, he loves me his way and it makes me happy (if I want something done I ask him or do it myself). So maybe ,I am just guessing perhaps I am completely wrong, while you feel taken for granted perhaps you do the same to him? Do you really need the fancy night out to feel loved by him? Also daaaamn he baked you a cake and made you feel special on your birthday, I think he is very thoughtful and lovely.

He sounds like a nice, normal bloke tbh - maybe he needs less pressure to come up with ridiculous "romantic" dates?

Hoping not to sound too sappy (I'm really not) but maybe you have different love languages? It depends on the bigger picture though as if he's lazy towards you in all respects it's a "him" issue.

My husband is rather like that. I organise all our social stuff including date nights, holidays, days out. He will book a restaurant for my birthday/our anniversary because he knows that's what I expect. Its usually an old favourite - wouldn't occur to him to research somewhere new for a surprise. Romantic gestures are just not his "language".

But he goes all out on "acts of service". He loves to cook for me and our kids, does all our laundry, majority of driving, cups of tea in bed. He seems a bit bereft if I try and share the load of those things. (I do a share of housework and cooking of course but he probably does more and would rather do that than have the mental load of planning and arranging, which is all down to me.)

I used to huff about wanting to be romanced more but after seeing a number of friends "romantic" husbands do the dirty on them once the romance wore off, I've decided I'm happy with how things are!

But if your partner never considers you at all then that's a bit different.

Yeah he is a nice lovely person and as pp said he makes effort in other ways eg with chores and DD - as do I. He's supported me through some hard times. But he knows I'm feeling "invisible" at the moment, and I could really do with feeling he's putting in some effort in the relationship itself to show me he cares about US. He lacks confidence and I think it didn't take much to dent it enough for him to stop making suggestions.

We've had this conversation multiple times and I've asked how I can make it better but never get an answer to that.

I've never to my knowledge slagged off an idea or suggestion of his. I might have asked some questions about it, like where are you thinking, or said something like, yeah maybe, yeah I guess, rather than an enthusiastic YES! HOW WONDERFUL!

I do admit Ive given him a hard time about it that maybe he doesn't deserve. I recognise that and I see why people might call me high maintenance. I probably am a bit high maintenance right now. I'm feeling very needy.

And the poster who says I have to love and appreciate myself hits the nail on the head. My own self confidence is so low at the moment I'm looking to him to help me drag it up by making me feel wanted and worth the effort. Is it on him to do this? No it's really on me, right? I can't make him responsible for making me feel good about myself. But his behaviour is compounding and reinforcing how I feel. It's reinforcing I'm not worthy.

Finally. We've had a hard time over the last 8 years, and I'm concerned that once you strip away DC from the situation, what's actually left? I want to nurture our relationship now not try to rescue it when it's in tatters.

This is interesting and sounds quite similar to our set up tbh. He does a lot for our family.

Maybe I need to accept it.

I'm not sure how to work on my own self worth.

Lol.
Yes OP, stop nagging the poor bloke. Its only been 10 years, I'm sure he'll get right onto it eventually.🙄😁

In the mean time start dropping serious hints about all the places you'd like to visit and you'll then see if its actual laziness, selfishness or just pure stupidity why he can't be arsed to arrange anything for you both.

I totally agree with PP about love languages. We are quite similar in that I usually plan most things (although he does for birthday & anniversary, and if he suggests a date night then he plans that one which happens maybe once every 2/3 months), but the rest of the planning I do as that is probably by love language! Whereas his is definitely acts of service and words of affirmation, but you can’t dictate what someone else’s is.

It does sound like your partner’s is acts of service and that you’re taking it more personally because you need to work on your own self worth. At the end of the day, you have to love yourself first, for yourself. Nobody can convince you to do that, nobody can make that happen for you, you have to do that for yourself. X

Yes I plan 90% of stuff.

I want someone else in the driving seat for a bit. I want to be taken care of.

I also am constantly second guessing if it's what he wants, because they are always MY plans. I want input.

Although thinking about it, he takes care of us in other ways - he manages finances for example.

Well I’m sorry but acts of service doesn’t include, fir me, everyday stuff that both adults in the relationship are suppose to take care off.
I mean no one is ever saying that a woman is showing her love through act of service because she cooks and does the laundry 😵‍💫😵‍💫

And you rarely see blokes saying that they feel love because their dwife is bringing them cups of tea….

Hmm I once read on here that it was "weaponised incompetence" and that really stayed with me.

I'll arrange things that are important to me ie birthdays, DC birthdays as I know I won't stress. But I won't arrange things for him like I used to years ago.