DP can't get over this (seemingly) little thing

[Garlicnaan]

I'm getting frustrated as DP doesn't seem to make much effort to nurture our relationship. He's loads better than a lot of men on here, he arranged a lovely birthday for me, made a cake etc, but it's making me insecure because I feel like he can't be arsed.

One of the things I'm hurt by is that except for my birthday he doesn't plan any activities or nights out for us. Which means if I don't arrange them, they don't happen.

I've brought this up with him and nothing has changed.

He says that it's because earlier in our relationship I poopoohed his ideas for things to do or didn't seem very enthusiastic. I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.

This was 10+ years ago though. Am I being unfair to expect him to find a way to move past this? How can I help him to? Or am I being unfair expecting him to do this at all?

I just want to feel loved and appreciated.

That may be what you personally think @DawsonWins but have a little google, the most common acts of service are: helping with household chores, fixing or washing your partner's car, walking a pet, helping with childcare, taking care of your partner when they are sick, or cooking a meal. So actually, yes doing the laundy and cooking are acts of service 😊

@Garlicnaan I think, by your own admission, you’re in a bit of a slump with yourself and your own self esteem/self worth. You’re trying to latch onto your partner to fix this when the truth is the only person who can fix this is yourself, only you can change how you feel about yourself. You say you want to be taken care of however you have also said that he does take care of you as in he does a lot for your family, finances, and you acknowledge his love language is likely acts of service and you recognise he does these things. So for me, you have 2 issues here;

1. You would like him to plan some date nights, okay. Communicate that with him, maybe agree you will have a date night for example every 3rd Saturday and will take turns each month to plan it. Could be something as simple as a home cooked meal, bottle of wine and a movie on the couch, but you take turns planning it, and tell him from the off you’re happy with whatever he plans.

2. Your self worth is the bigger issue. You need to work on that yourself and I actually think you’ll find that as that improves, everything else will look a lot better as well. When you’re in a negative headspace with yourself mentally, it’s easy to pick at other things and blame them for why you feel the way you do, or expect others to make you feel better and then blame them when they don’t. You have to acknowledge that only you can control how you feel about yourself, you have the power to change it, nobody else.

I don't think it IS weaponised incompetence.

I just want to feel like he's thinking about me.

Outside of the occasions he's "told" to - like birthday, anniversary etc.

Does anyone know how to improve my self worth?

But is that really the case? Because feel free to ignore this if I’m wrong, but you’ve mentioned a few times now he does seem to be thinking about and looking after you just in different ways, this boils down to (from what you’ve said) the fact you’d like him to plan more date nights.

It seems like he is thinking about you, but he’s just not doing it in exactly the ways you would like him too, and this is an instance where understanding each others acts of service is important and acknowledging that you both show love in different ways.

Yes @Garlicnaan there’s lots of things you can do to boost your self worth.

Do something nice for yourself, take yourself out for a blow dry, treat yourself to a solo coffee morning, have a facial, just some examples. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Avoid comparing yourself or your relationship to others- you’ll never be happy while you’re wishing you had different or more or less or something.

Check in with yourself! Think about things that make you happy or that you enjoy, and do more of that. One thing that will really help you I think is having your OWN things going on, join a club for something you enjoy whether that’s a book club, a running club, a gym class, cooking class, anything really that you are genuinely interested in. You will feel less “invisible” when you start to learn who you are and build something for yourself, let there be a version of you that exists independently. Participating in something, learning something, succeeding at something, meeting other people, forming new friendships will all help.

There’s so many other things, some fab podcasts and books to read which can help you with this as well! X

What's the reason behind your loss of self-confidence lately?

Thanks for the great ideas.

The problem i have is time. I have usually about an hour per evening at 9pm and that's to do everything house wise or life admin wise as well. It's also the only time I get with DH.

All classes, group hobbies etc I would like to do are obviously much earlier starting than that.

DP works late too and works away sometimes, doesn't get back until gone 7.

DD has extra needs and doesn't cope well with babysitters so we can only use them very sparingly.

I stopped a lot of my hobbies when DD was little and then the pandemic hit and I never got back into them.

I recently started a weekly hobby and that's about as much as I can do. I enjoy it but it doesn't push or stretch me. I don't progress. DD punishes me for going to that as it is. DP goes out maybe once or twice a week to the gym or occasionally the pub. I probably see friends a few times a month as well.

So I need to find something I can do at home. I can't really afford massages or beauty treatments at the moment. I have a very full on job too which leaves me drained. It's limiting. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses.

Why has my self worth gone @category12

I think a lot of it is getting older. I look old for my age and in the past year I've become saggy, hair going grey and thinning, loads of new wrinkles and jowls, my eyesight is going, I've put weight on around my stomach I can't shift, career has plateaued and I've not got jobs I've applied for which has knocked my confidence professionally, my hormones are crazy, my sleep is erratic, I'm suffering from brain fog, I literally feel like I'm going to pieces.

I can't stand photos of myself, DP has a million photos of DD but has barely taken a photo of me in years.

I feel like I need something where I can feel like I'm progressing, succeeding, feeling proud of myself. I do little creative projects at home but then think they're really shit and beat myself up.

Maybe worth going to the doctor if you haven't already about possible menopausal symptoms (if you're of an age)? Might help.

Sounds like you've got a lot on. 💐

I don't think youre high maintenance.
He's using that poopoohing as an excuse to not do anything. Tell him..ok..i wont again and that was then, plan something from start to finish please for (add date here). See if he does

Why should you need to drop hints where you want to go? If I want to go somewhere I say “I’m going to go to x, y or z would you like to come?” If DH fancies going somewhere he’ll say the same.

I want to be taken care of WTF? Why do you need to feel taken care of? You’re an adult for goodness sake, not a child and are capable of making your own decisions of where you want to go.

I certainly wouldn’t feel ‘taken care of’ with anyone managing family finances, that’s a joint decision.

Why do so many women need ‘taken care of’? FFs you’re not a ‘little woman’ of the past, take some initiative and just say where you’d like to go!

As for the ‘poor bloke’ comment, and I know that was meant in a sarcastic tone, but many on here think oh what a shame the men folk have to actually use their brain cells to think for themselves!

What I mean by being taken care of is that I want a break from the driving seat in pushing lots of things forward in our lives. Most decisions about DD, the house, activities and holidays have been driven by me.

In terms of finances I mean he arranges things like payment of monthly bills and car bills. We make all financial decisions together and in fact I got everything going with our last mortgage deal and have suggested we move some money around into a better savings account (not done it yet though).

I'm not going to test him by dropping hints.

You say "If I want to go somewhere I say “I’m going to go to x, y or z would you like to come?” If DH fancies going somewhere he’ll say the same."

Well I do that or similar, but DP doesn't, which is why I'm posting. Partly because it's hard getting a babysitter.

@BellaAndDave I'm not for one moment endorsing the "weak woman" extreme stereotype, but on a more balanced view we all have emotional needs – to feel thought of, to feel significant, to feel appreciated, etc. There's zero shame in that. Some of us get these met in our relationships with loved ones, others by affirming their superiority complex through condescending posts on anonymous Internet forums, etc (genuinely!)

@Garlicnaan get some therapy

What I mean by being taken care of is that I want a break from the driving seat in pushing lots of things forward in our lives.

I get what you mean OP. I feel like this sometimes i.e. that I'd love for someone to research, plan and book a lovely holiday and all i have to do is pack and turn up. But left to H he won't bother. I love our holidays - I'm good at planning them! But I feel like my efforts are just taken for granted sometimes.

If it genuinely is a confidence thing for him/mental block. Can you support him to take action by offering say three options or giving some parameters.

I'd like to go for lunch with the family. Traditional/pub somewhere we know the kids like book is fine. Please organise.

Please organise a meal for the two of us. I fancy italian or indian but beyond that feel free to choose. Tuesday or Thursdays work best.

Please organise a meal next week. Id like to go somewhere I haven't been before there seem to be too new places on the high street.

Etc. i wouldnt want to be spoon feeding forever. But after two or three rounds of this he may
Improve.

Yeah I could do that - but that doesn't really deal with the whole, I want to know he's thinking about me thing.

I don't care if his ideas are "good enough" or not - I'll do pretty much anything as long as I'm fit enough to do it - I just want to know he actively wants to spend time with me doing something, just us, and that he wants to put effort into our relationship. Our life can be so bloody mundane, every night the cleaning up and then maybe a bit of TV. I want more.

He has arranged one thing this year and that was for my birthday. Probably the same last year, I can't remember.

He hasn't taken a photo of us for probably years.

He will sometimes bring back gifts if he's been working away.

I see the man-haters are out in force with internet feminism. Weaposnised drivel.

He stopped trying because you had undermined his efforts early on. Both of you need to learn to be more forgiving and gracious towards each other.

Dp suggests things and then runs them by me. If I say yes, he books it. Trying new things is an essential part of being together and getting to know each other. If you start being picky and nitpicking, the other person will stop trying.r person will stop trying.

Absolutely they are. Men can be lazy arses who use 1 example eons ago to get out of doing anything now.

My husband is exactly the same. We never go out unless I suggest it. Yes, it drives me mad, but in my experience it's a male trait. My ex was exactly the same. Only when we got divorced did he get off his arse and pursue some friendships and outside interests.

@Missdemeanorz i personally would be worried if my DH couldn’t let go of one comment made 10 years ago to the point that it stopped him doing anything at all.

I mean, we all say things that don’t come out well. Or that we don’t really mean. Sometimes, we are taken aback - maybe simply because we were concentrating on something completely different and it didn’t compute/took us by surprise.

The fact he then can’t let it go at all. For 10 years. Would point towards issues of resentment, total lack of self confidence or very very black and white thinking. And some serious communication issues on his part (if he was so affected by said comment, surely he would have raised the issue No?)
Or it’s just an excuse…..

If the OP had made regular comments dismissing his ideas, then it would be a different issue.

I very much doubt the comments and the attitude are a one-off.

Maybe he's bored of you and the relationship. It happens to everyone so not something to take personally but just to be aware of.

It's the same old, same old I'm afraid.

Well I'm grateful for whatever hubby does or doesn't do. Funny enough he made me a birthday cake and I was over the moon that he did. Mainly I arrange trips out but I don't mind we both enjoy them.

He would say they're not a one off, maybe he's right, over the course of the 20 years we've been together I'm sure I've done it a few times.

But this isn't me ripping into him.

He suggested something and I said something like, oh cool, yeah" - he's taken that as I don't want to do it because I wasn't effusive enough.

Another time I asked too many questions about it.

I'm really not trying to be negative in the slightest. But that's how he's reading it.

Yeah this is my concern. And I get that. I've definitely gone through phases where I've felt bored of him. But I feel the difference is I'm actively trying to improve it.