Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP can't get over this (seemingly) little thing

58 replies

Garlicnaan · 11/10/2023 21:50

I'm getting frustrated as DP doesn't seem to make much effort to nurture our relationship. He's loads better than a lot of men on here, he arranged a lovely birthday for me, made a cake etc, but it's making me insecure because I feel like he can't be arsed.

One of the things I'm hurt by is that except for my birthday he doesn't plan any activities or nights out for us. Which means if I don't arrange them, they don't happen.

I've brought this up with him and nothing has changed.

He says that it's because earlier in our relationship I poopoohed his ideas for things to do or didn't seem very enthusiastic. I will point out these were not things he had arranged, but things he suggested.

This was 10+ years ago though. Am I being unfair to expect him to find a way to move past this? How can I help him to? Or am I being unfair expecting him to do this at all?

I just want to feel loved and appreciated.

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 13/10/2023 15:24

This wouldn't be my hill to die on (in fact it's not, because my OH is useless at organising stuff too). I accept the fact that we both bring different things to the relationship and there is stuff he is much better at than me. I know he loves me and I feel we have an equal relationship overall so I don't let things like this upset me. Having said that, I would like to be whisked away every now so I do understand how you feel, I just don't let it ruin all the good stuff because I am not perfect either.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 13/10/2023 23:08

That's a good point.

I need to focus less on him and more on me.

OP posts:
Sashya · 13/10/2023 23:29

@Garlicnaan

The way you describe feeling - both physically and mentally - do sound like symptoms of perimenopause. It might be helpful to at least check your hormones.

Other than not planning evenings out - (which are complicated with childcare and special needs) - he does seem like he is pulling his weight. And he BAKES you a cake on birthdays?

I think the way you feel - is more generally driven by the way you are dealing with aging; and possibly depression and hormonal fluctuations.
For some if these - there is medical solutions. For others - counselling

Aprilx · 14/10/2023 07:03

I am not a MNetter that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, I always do and I want my birthday acknowledged. But I really truly don’t get why you cannot do it yourself and instead are making it into a thing to criticise him for. I personally don’t think it is a flaw, maybe you do, but can’t you just accept that he is not perfect in this way, if he is generally a decent person.

Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/10/2023 08:16

Aprilx · 14/10/2023 07:03

I am not a MNetter that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, I always do and I want my birthday acknowledged. But I really truly don’t get why you cannot do it yourself and instead are making it into a thing to criticise him for. I personally don’t think it is a flaw, maybe you do, but can’t you just accept that he is not perfect in this way, if he is generally a decent person.

Yes I see what you're saying, and this thread has opened my eyes to that. I really do appreciate all he does, and think maybe my current frame off mind is creating problems where there are none.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicnaan · 14/10/2023 08:17

Sashya · 13/10/2023 23:29

@Garlicnaan

The way you describe feeling - both physically and mentally - do sound like symptoms of perimenopause. It might be helpful to at least check your hormones.

Other than not planning evenings out - (which are complicated with childcare and special needs) - he does seem like he is pulling his weight. And he BAKES you a cake on birthdays?

I think the way you feel - is more generally driven by the way you are dealing with aging; and possibly depression and hormonal fluctuations.
For some if these - there is medical solutions. For others - counselling

Thank you. I have booked to see a menopause Dr and will book info counseling too.

OP posts:
Decimbir · 09/12/2023 12:50

Can’t work out how to just quote a part of a post, but with regard to this bit…

”I've never to my knowledge slagged off an idea or suggestion of his. I might have asked some questions about it, like where are you thinking, or said something like, yeah maybe, yeah I guess, rather than an enthusiastic YES! HOW WONDERFUL! “

I love organising surprises and events for people, and getting “yeah i guess” repeatedly in response to suggestions would turn me completely off bothering for that person. I think you need to think like a behaviourist and reward the behaviour you want to see. If you want him to organise things and suggest things they probably won’t be 100% the thing you would have picked yourself, but unless it’s something you’d actively hate then if you respond with enthusiasm and gratitude you’ll both feel good and have a nice time. But if he feels like he’s supposed to organise things and also has to guess the exact thing you would choose and is met with disappointment and wet blanketing when he does try then you’ll both end up more and more miserable.

cockadoodledandy · 19/12/2023 21:37

I can understand his point of view. My partner is hard to please as well and I would never book something or arrange it without his approval. Every time I've suggested something in the past he's dismissed it for one reason or another, so now I leave it to him to come up with the plans because it's easier and I'm happy doing whatever. There's only so many times you can have your suggestions rejected before you stop trying. Some people are just too hard to please.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page