those of you with a dh who believes he can be a lazy sod because he works all day...

[ratbunny]

have any of you made any progress?
sometimes dh is ok, and helps tidy up etc, but this past week it has really hit home. I usually work 2 days a week, but this week I did 3 1/2. so, my day off is today and I am faced with an absolute TIP. I take ds in the garden and there are bit od wood and toolkit etc scattered everywhere from dh's last attempt at diy. It has taken me all day, with a toddler in tow, to make a dent on all the chores that I would have done on the other days off work.

and now it hits home - he doesnt ever tidy up after himself, he sits playing the computer in the evening while I am doing washing (after me working all day too), I get up with ds every day etc etc. I have to persuade him to help me tidy up in the evening, and even then he acts like its a big favour. maybe if I am lucky he will unload the dishwasher.
And I suddenly realise what a mug I am being.

have any of you made progress with your dh? how can I make him realise I feel like a mother of 2 - ds and him.
how do I stop him taking the mick?

Go on strike.

Don't do anything for him - if you can possibly bear it. Don't cook, don't clean his dishes, don't wash his clothes, don't do his ironing, don't clear up his "stuff" - if the kids break it, it won't be your fault. Alternatively, if it's dangerous to leave things, tip them all into a bin bag and shove that in a cupboard/shed/garage or whatever.

I know it's easier said than done. The crockery thing especially. But only by NOT doing the things he probably doesn't even think about will he eventually realise how much you do do.

This has the potential to be a very valuable thread to me! NO advice at present, my dp throws teenager style strops when I ask for help around the house, or at the very least there's lots of sighing and sulking. I work from home part time too, usually juggling cooking dinner, feeding baby, trying to get work done amidst a rolling sea of toys, washing and washing up, while dp sits with his laptop and a steaming cup of tea.

Progres? Hmmm- When DS was born and I stopped work, properly, although I still worked Saturday mornings, so did DH stop work around the house. Eventually I negotiated that he should iron his own shirts (well I stopped doing them).
The when DD1 was born , beforehand we discussed I would have less time and need more help, but nothing materialised at all. After a while when I started doing more work, that was my 'time off' so it didn't count,i still was expected to do all the stuff around the house but DH did me a 'favour' and took the DC off on a Saturday morning so I could have some time off from the DC - for that read, time to do all the work around the house I didn't get done during the week.
Now we have DD2 and the same arrangement applies on Saturdays but i have to getup and take DD1 to ballet first thing while DH sits around the house and reads the newspapers. He does now cook me diiner on Saturdays as his help.
I finish late two evenings a week and when I am done there sits DH waiting for me to cook the dinner even though he has been sat on the sofa for at least an hour watching the TV. After our latest row he has now ,on occasion offered to cook something if i plan it all and tell him what to do.
So progress there has been over the last 7 years - but very slow. As a result of all this extra contribution to household affairs DH has to spend the rest of the weekend relaxing so he doesn't do any DIY at all becasue he has to iron his shirts at the weekend - I'd say you can't win

I don't have this problem, but I do have a girlfriend who stacked all her dh's mess in his side of the bed (dirty dishes, magazines, clothes - the lot!) under the duvet so he didn't find it til bed.

Think it only took twice before he got the message

Have we made ANY progress since our mothers/grandmothers in the so called golden age of the family in the 1950s ??

I don't do ANY ironing - not even for myself - so DP has to do his own shirts - but he never comments on how his washing gets miraculously picked up off the bedroom floor, washed and returned (I do it because I can't STAND the thought of leaving the floor to get covered in smelly socks!)

He does wash up - sometimes - flooding the sink area in the process, but more often than not he doesn't...and then he has the cheek to complain when I occasionally use the dishwasher, claiming it doesn't wash as efficiently as a human.

Having said that, he does cook sometimes and has even been known to use the vacuum - sometimes...

My DH does sod all around the house because he works . I have told him I am hiring a cleaner because I am sick to death of cleaning & got more important things to do with my time. Some men unfortunately think cleaning is a womans job .

my dh does minimal housework but to be fair I always end up redoing it as his washing up gets water everywhere and he doesnt do it properly, if he sweeps up he never actually gets the dustpan and brush and gets rid of pile etc. but I am anal about housework and tehreofre dont mind doing it, in return if he home from work in time he does the dd's bathtime and has them for an hour whilst I do the end of day tidy (5-6pm) then we tend to put dd2 to bed and dd1 gets half an hour with one of us doing stories etc, if dh does it I'll start our dinner if I do it then occasionally he'll start dinner.

I suppose I dont mind to much I work 2 days a week(I leave at 7.30 to drop dd's off and home 6pm after picking them up) and he normally does 6 days and leaves at 4.30am and often not home till 5 or 6 pm so long days.

I do wish he'd pick up his bike crap, he is always fiddling with his bike and then leaves screwdrivers etc out and dd2 (14months) is magnetically attracted to them

hi eah! hope the girls are well!

as tanee says, I suppose it is an ingrained problem, where we havent made much progress since the 50s. . I have always considered us totally equal, and so it is a bit of a shock to think it may be an inherent women-do-the-house problem.

ok, I will strike. I kind of naturally do that anyway when I feel like this, but for some reason I got caught up this time.

so, his dirty clothes on the floor go back in his drawers. his pants are left on the bathroom floor (considering starting another pant blog.. ) his dirty plates are left and / or put on top of his computer. his shoes etc will be secreted amongst al lthe rest of his crap.

on a more constructive note, i did think about trying to get a 10 min tidy up each evening. 10 mins sounds like nothing, but it can make a huge difference - just think nearly 2 hours per (working) week!

Oh I'm not alone then? I do all child and chore related activities in our household. DH has hobbies. If he does do something its usually DIY that I didn't want or don't see as a priority. But he gets very enthusiastic about it and sulks if I don't join in. His latest thing is to "sort our garden out" which means I spend yet another day entertaining DD while he gets to do what he wants. Grr.

Occasionally after a bit of nagging he'll do some washing up but it generally takes 2 hours and he makes a big deal of it. Personally I would rather he had dd for 2 hours and I could spend 10mins doing the same washing up and then have 1hr50mins to myself!

I did ask the other day if dd was in childcare and I was back at work if he would share the household chores? I think it might have got through but who knows!

Dh is terrible about helping out around the house. He does do the odd thing but he's so terrible at it, so in a way i'd rather he didn't do it!
Can relate to the washing up; getting water everywhere, not wiping down and things not even clean!!
I find going on strike doesn't achieve much, so now i occationally get him to help out with kids homework and bathtime while i clear up.
Also if i feel he hasn't helped much, when i finally do get to flop down on the sofa he will give me a back massage, leg massage, etc ..

A very good and wise old friend of mine gave me some advice just before I got married. She told me that men and women view 'house work' very differently. Men simply don't see the need the way we do. We might feel that the loo needs cleaning twice a week and the hoovering doing every other day, they won't. She said that if you want help you should ask and you should be very specific. Please can you do XYZ today while I do ABC. She also said that once they do a job you have to accept it might not be exactly the way you want it done, for example, they might do the washing up but might not necessarily think to wipe round the work surfaces and hang the wet cloth up again. Accepting that and being grateful for what they do do works wonders. Its saved endless arguments between me and DH as I'm bordeline OCD and he'd be happy living in a tip . Finally, she said its the way boys are brought, most are looked after in every way by their mums while girls are encouraged to help with chores more. Needless to say, my ds's will be hoovering as soon as they can walk

I read DH an article today in The Times that says married women are more amenable to sex if their DH helps around the house...

I can sympathise ratbunny (even though I'm a SAHM).

I have done this gradually. For example, any dirty clothes left on the floor stay there until the pile is big enough for him to notice. When it come to dinner time I am sometimes busy doing something else (maybe even just looking at MN) until he realises he's getting really hungry and can't wait any longer.

Or we have yet another exchange of words!

It's had some effect but not enough imo.

Pre children

One time it was DH's turn to wash up. He didn't do it, so I left it instead of doing it like I would normally do... It went on for a whole week till we actually ran out of plates, bowls mugs etc. I was just contemplating buying some paper plates etc when he got the hint!

hire a cleaner.

there is NO excuse for this type of behaviour.

i worked full-time one job and part-time another whilst DH stayed home and i did chores around the house when i was home.

that's part of being a partner and in a family.

i couldn't abide this type of immature, selfish behaviour.

hats off to those of you who do.

I didn't realise my DH was lazy until after we had a child when I was so tired all the time.
So I did a chart of all the household tasks and put the % against each one that I did...basically I did 95% of it. He only takes the bin out when it's pointed out it's bin day...arg!

So after an interesting tactical skirmish around the "housework chart" he now does all the hoovering and SOME tidying. But he just CAN'T do 2 things at once.
And I no longer ask him to do something I just tell him.
"Floor needs hoovering"
"Dusting, NOW!"
etc.
He seems to like the clarity...

When i go away he operates a "just in time" system, i.e. he irons a shirt the monring he needs to wear it. He washes clothes the day he notices he has run out of underwear...he tidies the front room and hoovers when he knows I'm on the M40 and heading back.

This is why so many widowers live in near squalor I feel.

He also always gets the job of cleaning up the cat sick...

Just had a major sort out with DH about this. We both work full-time but I am home on Wednesdays with the kids (same hours squished into 4 days plus prep time in evenings too).

Found we had "slipped" into me being responsible for most of the household chores and was getting really about it (justifiably !).

Came back from 2 weeks away from each other and laid it on the line. For ex. he is now "responsible" for the nappy washing - I have had to stop myself reminding him, or hanging them up/putting them away but I think it's better all round if they are fully responsible for sth - otherwise they just don't think of it and you end up silently seething (well I do anyway !)

bloody hell! I am so pissed off now.
I'm trying to prepare a sunday roast, and dh won't look after ds / help out, as he is sorting out photographs on his computer

honestly, how can I get the message across to him that he can do this stuff when ds is asleep, and that I am doing housework for the benefit of ALL OF US?! I feel such a mug, as the washing will get done, as will the dishes and the food.

smallone - you are so right - dh has 'hobbies' I used to, now I have childcare and housework.

so it looks like me and ds will have a whopping lunch today, and I will freeze dh's as a few portions for ds in the week.

so

What a selfish man. I propose that you treat him like a child. Tell him that unless he does x,y or z (or indeed, doesn't do x,y or z), then the following consequences will occur (e.g. you will withdraw from doing whatever it is that you decide as reasonable under the circumstances (maybe chat with a couple of mates to determine what is reasonable rather than acting in the heat of the moment?). Then stick to it and execute. Write it all down in an email to him if talking to him falls on deaf ears. He is being totally unfair.

I find that DH is much better at taking the kids off my hands so I can sort the flat out than he is at doing housework. He will sometimes have a blitz if he's here on his own, but hates to be seen doing it Interestingly his own father is a bit of an OCD neatfreak, so I think he's reacting against that.

I also find that if I take time to think about how I ask, it makes a HUGE difference to how much he does. If I say 'honey, I'm not really coping here, can you do (specific thing)' he happily does it. I know some of you will really balk at that, but it works for me

DH has never been more helpful than in these past two weeks when I've been making a determined effort to be nice to him.

thanks putitinyourpipe.
i did think i was getting unreasonable and was starting to doubt myself!
I am thinking of listing everything I do v what he does - but for those days when we are equal in what we should be doing. I dont have a problem with doing the washing etc when he is at work and I am looking after ds at home, but NOT when I am working / he is at home.
he doesnt get that he is being unfair - he thinks I am being moody, but I suppose that's cos he is used to me doing everything!
I just need to get him to see his weekends and evenings are no longer about lolling in front of the pc now that we are a family.
aaarrrrgggghhhh

sorry to continue this, I need to kind of think aloud. dh has not spoken to me since this all blew up yesterday.
since not making him any food yesterday, dh has called me selfish and childish, and has not listened to my feeling taken for granted. I did leave some dinner spare, and he ate that. There is now a mountain of dishes that needs to go into the dishwasher. At one point I thought he might actually tidy them up, seeing as I just ranted about me doing all the housework. but no.
and he must have seen the pile of his wet washing on the table outside, not hung up, as he stands right in front of it to smoke. but he has made no attempt to do anything about it.

tbh I am a bit confused. surely any normal person would have done their bit if someone ranted and raved about feeling taken for granted?

does he really expect me to do everything on top of what I already do?
does he not respect that much?
he just goes up to his little room and plays on the computer.

I think perhaps he is being stubborn. BUT, if you are to teach him how to not disrepsect you, you have to be as equally stubborn. Just try to rise above it. Personally, I would take care of the dishes BUT, I would NOT be taking care of his washing! Let it stay stinking and wet until it turns green and mouldy!

Dh and I have this problem, compounded by the fact that I work too (leave house at 5.30am 3 days a week) and earn more than he does.

We have talked about this and most of the problem stems from the fact that dh really does not see mess and dirt the way I do. He would let it accumulate to the point where it was overwhelming and then decide he had to do something about it.

After years of struggling to try and look after the dcs, the house and work, I gave dh an ultimatum and said I cannot do it all - I also wrote out a list which set out exactly what I did - dh was shocked at its length. Now he has to look after the dcs while I clean and do specific tasks which I give to him. I would obviously prefer that he spontaneously did housework and knew what needed doing, but that will never happen so I will have to make do with him at least giving me the time and space to do it.

Ratbunny - if you really want this to change you will have to go about it differently.
eaving his washing to go mouldy etc will only c*-ontinue the stalemate between you. It will NOT convince him that you are right and he is wrong. Your bloke does not sound like someone who is going to rush to put the marigolds on so you have to be clever about this. He has to feel that you NEED him and that you will be glad and appreciative for what he does, not that you resent him and will constantly moan at him for not doing his share. I know it doesn't
seem fair!