those of you with a dh who believes he can be a lazy sod because he works all day...

[ratbunny]

have any of you made any progress?
sometimes dh is ok, and helps tidy up etc, but this past week it has really hit home. I usually work 2 days a week, but this week I did 3 1/2. so, my day off is today and I am faced with an absolute TIP. I take ds in the garden and there are bit od wood and toolkit etc scattered everywhere from dh's last attempt at diy. It has taken me all day, with a toddler in tow, to make a dent on all the chores that I would have done on the other days off work.

and now it hits home - he doesnt ever tidy up after himself, he sits playing the computer in the evening while I am doing washing (after me working all day too), I get up with ds every day etc etc. I have to persuade him to help me tidy up in the evening, and even then he acts like its a big favour. maybe if I am lucky he will unload the dishwasher.
And I suddenly realise what a mug I am being.

have any of you made progress with your dh? how can I make him realise I feel like a mother of 2 - ds and him.
how do I stop him taking the mick?

men's domestic abilities are not on a par with a 3yos. do not believe this. it is about being a capable adult, engaging with the adult world. i do not believe men cannot do this when - hey guess what - they occupy all the major roles in politics, business etc tis bolleaux. they don't want to do it and why should they when women are there making excuses for them.

yes.
today i went to the gym whilst cleaner was in house. dh works from home on mondays.
came back. did some laundry. had shower. dh gone out to bank or solicitors or some such. i got ready to go out for lunch with friends. dh comes home, ten minutes before i have to be out the door. we, ahem, have a quickie. i mention to him what i was going to make for dinner. go to lunch. gorge myself. pick upt the kids, come home to find dh has already cooked the pasta.
all this with not an ounce of resentment.
if he can change to this, then anyone can. its all about realising that the two of you are in this together, and accepting each other.
mind you, he has gone out right now. not sure if work related or soical, but, as long as he is happy...... i know i am very happy with life at the moment

i stopped ironing dh's clothes when ds was born. just over a decade ago. i dont pick up his dirty laundry either. eventully it finds its way to the laundry bin, where i will wash, and put away, but not if it wasnt in the laundry bin.

same here - DH knows that if it isn't in the laundry basket, it won't get washed by me.

Do you know what's occurred to me - I think us 'gals' have become super efficient out of necessity which has come from being the primary carer of our DCs. By this I mean that we have learnt the hard way, that if we don't have milk in before bed time, everyone has to go out to buy it and then they're wound up again and bed time becomes a chore / no washing done = no PJs etc for DCs / no cleaning means young DCs end up eating more crap off the floor etc etc etc. It makes our lives easier to be semi on top of things. I am pretty sure that if the unhelpful DPs had sole control of the DCs for a minimum of a week (ie time enough for their actions to have consequences e.g. run out of clothes / food etc), then that may spur them in to action a bit more and help them to see the house and jobs in the same way that we do. I don't know how you deal with this as that's probably not very practical. oh dear. that wasn't very helpful after all was it?

I think you are right putitinyourpipe
I used to be a slob really before we had ds. I remember taking the mick out of my mate who used to do a quick tidy up last thing when we were all drinking round hers. Now I do that!
If I leave the dishes til the morning, we have to deal with them with a child in tow.
If the washing isnt done, no doubt the baby will puke over his clothes and there wont be anything to put him into.
If I dont clear the dog poo off the garden all week then ds cant play in the garden.

So is the solution to go away for a week and leave the dc's with our dh's? A mass mumsnet walkout!

On a lighter note, the '10 min tidyup' has been done by both of us tonight

oh well that sounds great! That's a brill start and it's much easier having two pairs of hands than one for the 10 min tidy - perhaps he will start to enjoy the fruits of his labour and do it more automatically!

I agree with whoever said to ask nicely / put it as not coping with whole burden though. Otherwise I imagine it's a bit life your wife turning in to your mother and we all remember how bl**dy IRRITATING they can be at demanding this that and the other in their patronising way . The trick is to get the other one to want to help you - how you do that I have no idea but you will know more than we do as you know him better.

God this all makes me feel better.

We are all so alike, at the end of the day and from reading the whole thread I am coming to the conclusion that we have to train our DH into taking the share of the load, just like we have to train our children to be responsible for the mess we all make.

I am currently on day 3 of not tidying up and it's very hard to walk across the floor in three rooms. I almost started to tidy up this afternoon, but having read all your advice I am taking the "on strike" route.

I am also finally going to confront DH about the % of housework we each do and have some reasonable ultimatums.

The bit that pisses me off so much is that, for 99% of the time I am happy to be mrs super housewife, if only I ever got any credit for it and some help when I was feeling really desperate.

cheers guys