those of you with a dh who believes he can be a lazy sod because he works all day...

[ratbunny]

have any of you made any progress?
sometimes dh is ok, and helps tidy up etc, but this past week it has really hit home. I usually work 2 days a week, but this week I did 3 1/2. so, my day off is today and I am faced with an absolute TIP. I take ds in the garden and there are bit od wood and toolkit etc scattered everywhere from dh's last attempt at diy. It has taken me all day, with a toddler in tow, to make a dent on all the chores that I would have done on the other days off work.

and now it hits home - he doesnt ever tidy up after himself, he sits playing the computer in the evening while I am doing washing (after me working all day too), I get up with ds every day etc etc. I have to persuade him to help me tidy up in the evening, and even then he acts like its a big favour. maybe if I am lucky he will unload the dishwasher.
And I suddenly realise what a mug I am being.

have any of you made progress with your dh? how can I make him realise I feel like a mother of 2 - ds and him.
how do I stop him taking the mick?

Talk to him and tell him how pissed off you are and try to arrange a compromise that suits you both. My dh and I had this talk and I now give him 2 jobs per night when he gets in. They might be unload the dishwasher or hoover or if I am feeling generous it may just be feed the cat and do his litter tray but at least I know that I can leave 2 jobs for him. He also does all the ironing so I feel he does help. But it's so true that men just don't seem to know what needs doing and they need specific jobs given to them.

Ratbunny: it does sound a bit as htough your DP is one of the awful ones who thinks that housweork is what women are for and that because he has a penis he doesn't have to do it. As others have said, make a list of all the things that have to be done and divide it up. Then just do your share, leave his share. If he doesn;t do it, it doesn't get done. He might think he can outwait you and you will give in and do it, but don't.

ratbunny, to answer your question below. well, no, he doesn't respect you much.

h and i are going to relate at the moment and one of the big issues for me is his (lack of) work ethic around the house, garden etc. i take it seriously enough to consider ending my marriage over it - and until women refuse to put up with this shit, men will carry on doing it, and why wouldn't they?

anyway, ratbunny, good luck to you and don't give in!

It might be worth concentrating on doing the things required for you and DC - leave his washing, and clean clothes etc for him to sort out. OK cook his dinner, but don't get him all the extras.

And in the meantime, ask him to sit with you while you work out all the jobs that need done and who can do which (a fair split given your working commitments etc). If you are asking him to do things, be specific - many men simply don't see the dirt building up!

ok I am calm now
dh's washing is still outside, getting soaked and smelly.
I am going to go down the line of 'I can't cope'
I have made a list of all of the household chores, but I don't really know which ones to ask him to be responsible for. my dilemma is that if I give him anything that has to be done then it just won't get done, if I ask him to do his stuff then that is all he will do and he will be smug about it, and if I give him something I could handle not getting done then it doesnt make my load any lighter.
what do you all ask your dh's to do?
I could say - can you be resposible for walking the dog, but then the dog loses out by not being walked. or you do all the washing, then none of us will have clean clothes.
but if I ask him to clean the bathroom, well we dont do it that often anyway!

perhaps if you make a list and then invite him to choose what he does? and explain the consequences of it not getting done?

I have been thinking, and my plan is this:
I have jobs I will do in the week
we do a 10 min tidy every evening and put away any washing
then we have jobs to do once at the weekend
then on top of that we share the tidying, washing, tidying the kitchen and cooking at the weekend

wish me luck...

good luck.

I often find that in a partnership one person runs the house.
This makes sense as that way it's easier to know what does/doesn't need doing.

Thing is if you're that person running the house you need to delegate.

Don't give DH/P a list of jobs or go off on one at him, it won't work he'll just think youre nagging.

Sit down with him, explain you're happy to do a bit more as you are home more but there are times you will need help so if you ask him to a job will he be okay with it.
If he says no he is a prat, if you are reasonable enough then he will have to say yes.

When you are X say to him 'Can you do Y whilst I do this please sweetheart'. If you're busy doing something and he can see that he is more likely to help than if you've done what you feel are your 'jobs' and are sat down.

Personally I couldn't do the 'strike' thing because nothing in our house is just 'his' whe I do a wash I do it in coloured loads, not peoples, so sometimes I need his clothes to do a load. When I cook, I cook for everyone, when the washing up is done I couldn't just leave his plates etc

Good luck. Don't make it a contest - I do this much, ou only do this. You are going about it the best way - maek a list of what eneds done adn then go through it and get ownership. Try not to be judgemental and pre-empt that he will nto do it. But do exsplain to him how important it is for him to do what he has committed to. And I definately don't think you should give him the easy jobs of just 'his clothes' etc to sort out. That would give him no understanding of hte extent of the work needing done, also you need to give him your trust that he will do it. and agree a time when you will review again together how it is going. He may want ot swap jobs etc.

If it all goes well, you might even want to agree (if he brings it up) that it was childish to leave his clothes and not to cook for him - but that you were at breaking point and did not know any other way to get his attention.

Good luck, hope it works out!

sorry i disagree that it was childish not to do his clothes etc. wtf should she? she wasn't put on the earth to service some lazy wanker.

and if a few more women didn't just put up with being treated like doormats, well then, things might be better for most of us.

I really think it's easier to give jobs as and when rather than divide the chores.
It sounds like so much less and helps so much more.

What use is giving him the job of washing for example if it's already done because you were home and needed something? Or washing up the day you eat out?Or walking the dog yet you have to do a long walk that day anyway so may as well take the dog etc.

Choose as and when. The only specific job DP has in our house is to take out the bin on a thursday night, even that I sometimes do if I'm in the garden.

I much prefer saying 'Can you bath the DC's whilst I wash up' or 'Can you put the stuff in the washing machine in the dryer whilst I dust' etc. When two jobs need doing, get him to do one.

haven't read whole post but I sat dh down yesterday and wrote a list with him

things that have been waiting for months were pointed out to him and told him what needed to be done and by when

e.g I want the garden done before dd2's birthday in may so we can have bbq weather permitting/ want the study done up enough to be suitable for play room before dc3 arrives in july etc

seems to have give him some motivation as he did 2hrs of ironing this morning whilst I was studying!!!

agree completely with VS too - much easier to get things done when actually explained what it is needs doing rather than expecting mine to realise that there isn't a cleaning/tidying/fixing fairy that goes round our house and does these things

my dp does about 30% but thinks that he does around 60% cos he does so much more than other bloke he knows. - he also equates equaltime spent doing stuff with equal share.
example last night look ds for a ride on his bike while dp tidied up. We were out for an hour and the only tidy rooms were the kicthen and the sitting room. if the roles were reversed, the whole house would be tidy, washing put away, diswasher emptied and ds supper cooked.

thanks again for your resposes.
I find it doesnt work if I say - can you please do x while I do z. He says in a minute and doesnt do it, or will disappear.
I dont think dividing the chores up will work either, as someone said - what if on the washing day we are going out etc.
so I have a list of things I will do when I am off (paperwork, bills, change the sheets, food shopping online, wash nappies, hoover, clean the dog poo off the garden, cook ds's food, and the daytime tidying)
then what needs to be done shared in the evening (tidy the kitchen, dishwasher, put away any washing)
then what needs to be done shared at the weekend ( some washing, clean the bathroom, hoover, take the bins out, tidy the garden)
and what needs to be done several times at the weekend, again shared (cooking, tidying the front room, the kitchen)

does that seem reasonable?

With 'in a minute' I'd say 'no, now, because otherwise it won't get done and then we can both sit down can't we'.
If you could get him to agree to this before you start dishing out jobs to him then that would work.

ALso I am quite happy to say 'Do I have to turn it off or are you actually going to do what you said' if he is on the pc/tv/console etc

But I don't understand what you are going to do with the lists in the evening, I mean if he's not going to have a look and say 'Oh, on the list such and such needs doing' and do it, it's not really going to help.

I made the list really to show him how much actually has to be done in the house.
If he can agree to share certain jobs, then I can ask him to do them and he can't get arsey about it.
Good idea about the doing it now so we can both sit down - I think I will use that!

oh yes, and to actually agree that some housework does need to be done in the evening / weekend, and that it should be a shared job.

It's what I say to DP, he is great tbf, but loves to procrastinate.
I always say 'Will you do this' and he says 'yeah I just want to sit down, I'm tired, I'm full' etc so I have to push a bit.
He has also had to agree that me repeating something that he hasn't done is reminding not nagging

It has taken a while but my dh does more around the house than he ever did (I still however do the majority of it, but as long as he helps I'm happy)
There were and sometimes still are days when he is, lets just say SHITE at certain tasks. So he gets a lecture on how to wash laundry properly, wash dishes properly, basically do things the way I like them done. ( he is getting there )
When we were younger and had just bought our own place together we both worked full time and I was left to do everything (not fair) For years this went on and I suddenly woke up to my stupidity.
He does chip in with the housework now because he knows if he doesn't it all gets on top of me and I end up screaming like a banshee.

do you know what ratbunny, i don't know how old you are but im 47 and put up with that kind of behavoir from when we got married at 23. We have kids now 15 and 12 and nothing changes. i have met someone else now and a divorce has started. its absolutely vile and miserable but when i look back i can see why its all happened and you have just described it. just telling you this so you can see where it will end up if you don't confront it and make him wake up

do you know what ratbunny, i don't know how old you are but im 47 and put up with that kind of behavoir from when we got married at 23. We have kids now 15 and 12 and nothing changes. i have met someone else now and a divorce has started. its absolutely vile and miserable but when i look back i can see why its all happened and you have just described it. just telling you this so you can see where it will end up if you don't confront it and make him wake up

Friend got sick of her DH...she washed his clothed and ironed and folded them and put them on his side of the bed to put away.
He never put them away. They ended up on the floor in a mess and she ended up not being able to tell what was laundered and what was not and the ironed stuff got all creased again.
So she bought "his and hers" laundry bins and she washed and ironed and put away her own things and left his.
At the time I thought she was being extreme, now I don't...as I now have a child and realised I do 95% of the work and 100% of the organsing.
Equitable redistribution of household tasks in order I think.

And it's true my DH even admitted it "I don't see the house the way you do" and "I could never be organised enough to buy bog rolls"...from the man who stands up at international conferences and drones for Britain (literally).
I think men have some kind of inbuilt "woman in house, she will do the work" attitude. Have you noticed 3 yo girls generally will dress themselves while 3 yo boys want their mummy to "do it for them". This does not change!!!!
I do not think it is a good thing that men's domestic abilities are on a par with a 3 yo but this does seem to be the case!!!!