Partner pressures for sex…

[FrancesInWonderland]

First post so please be gentle..

I have been with my partner for 2 years & I have a child from a previous relationship. We all live together and get on great.

We never tend to have sex of an evening as my DD is a teenager, the house is small and it’s not a very quiet activity. So morning tends to be the time we choose as I know she is deep asleep. However, we recently got a puppy. She sometimes wakes in the night and then again at around 5am, our sex life has dwindled to once a week when my partner usually comes home at lunchtime. We had discussed this and both agreed it would work for now as eventually the puppy will hold her bladder longer and life will go back to normal. The early mornings don’t bother me as I work from home so it allows me to make a start to the day.

Recently his behaviour towards me has changed and I am starting to question whether it is me as he repeatedly tells me I’m weird. He wakes me up 3/4 times a night to ask me for sex and if I say no his reaction makes me feel so low. He will swear, huff, puff, turn his back on me, talk in third person to the dog about me ignoring his needs. It’s almost as if he has a tantrum. When we do have sex he always says - ahh I feel better now, I’ll leave you alone for a couple of days. As if it was some sort of transaction. I am at a point where I do it for a quiet life.

Since we had the dog I get around 6 hours of sleep a night. He has never got out of bed to take her out, and I’ve accepted it’s my role so why can’t he accept I need to sleep?

Throughout the day yesterday he mentioned sex 19 times, and I know it may sound crazy for me to count but I literally feel like an emotional punch bag. I’m not withholding sex, it’s just not as many times a week as he would like.

His final words this morning were - I should be grateful he finds me attractive and wants sex with his gorgeous partner because a lot of men will get it from somewhere else. I replied to say there are also men who respect their partner and don’t make ultimatums.

I don’t know what to do next. I can’t talk to my family as I don’t want them to dislike him but I am really finding this difficult to cope with.

To top it all off he is adamant he wants a baby to which I’ve said we are not ready to do so, he’s given me no help with the dog and almost acts as if she didn’t exist even though he also wanted her. He said it isn’t what he thought it would be and I’m being selfish as a baby doesn’t compare. But after having one child, I think their are similarities in a puppy, I.e broken sleep, toilet training, constant need for attention, feeding..

I feel like this was a phase and would pass as life with the puppy gets easier. But his reaction is what’s really concerned me.

Am I being coerced?

Well lol this puts most men in the rubbish pile then, as there are so many now who just get 'engaged' and never get married or ever had any intention of doing so.
But plenty who have babies, and still never get married.
Some of course who have just ended up, for whatever reason, doing it in a different order, and had a baby then proposed.

I see men getting with single mothers who apparently they know get help from the government and therefore won't require much, that doesn't mean they should take the p*!
And these men work full time, and not even paying much for dossing at their gf's 5/6 nights a week, even got their own DC there too because they've gone and had a baby with said woman.

Yes, sometimes accidents happen when people are engaged and then the wedding has to be put on the back burner. But I'm not talking about these cases. I'm talking about any man who brings up babies in a 'let's have them soon' way without even discussing marriage and getting the ball rolling first. It's disrespectful. I'm sure a lot of men do this. But a lot of men also lie, cheat and abuse. It doesn't mean any of these things are acceptable just because they are common.

Yes many women have kids without thinking to dicuss marriage first too. But I think that's because it's common place to set a low bar for guys these days. To assume if he wants a kid with you, he must want marriage 'one day'.

Women also have the added so called ticking clock as far as kids are concerned. So they settle. And they shouldn't. Because if he doesn't want to marry you before the child - chances are, he won't after it arrives either.

That's OK if both of you are anti marriage and you are aware of the pitfalls of having kids with someone outwith marriage and happy enough to risk them. But the discussion needs to be had. If he isn't up for the discussion, and doesn't actually show steps towards getting you down the aisle first (and things like getting financially prepared for the wedding and fatherhood) then he isn't dad material.

We're constantly told to make excuses for sub par men. Or that its old fashioned to want to be respected. We shouldn't and it isn't. If he doesn't offer to put a ring on your finger then dont have kids with him. Not unless you are OK with never getting married and anything that may mean for your shared child. And it's always wise to get him down the aisle first imo, because anyone can say they want marriage then backtrack at the final hour.

That being said, it sounds like op maybe doesn't want another kid anyway so even if he wasn't a total sleaze, they wouldn't have been compatible in the longrun.

@Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby 💐

Well done op for maintaining your boundaries and showing your dd what is and isn't acceptable. Enjoy the peace and quiet of your home. Well apart from puppy chaos, that is!

Quite right all of what you said. And it is not selfish to want to enjoy your 40's now that your D/D is grown up.
Enjoy your life and your achievements!
And get rid of the problem!

Yup.

I missed that you had only been with him for two years. Two years?! This is supposed to be your honeymoon period. Everything should still be perfect.

I'm glad to see that he has left. I strongly suggest that you do the Freedom Programme or have some counselling to find out why you put up with so much after such a short relationship. Onward and upwards!

Congratulations!! 🎉🍾🎈 break out the bubbly, put on loud dance music, and dance around with your daughter all over the house!

@longtompot I think you maybe meant to send that to OP?

Two years of experience - at least you have learnt that he is not a keeper.

he can't wake up for the dog but he can wake up 3/4 times for a shag.
op get him out now, he's a disgusting creep who doesn't give a toss about u or the dog.
so all the stuff suggested before, change passwords etc. then get this sex pest out. he has zero respect for you.

oooooh sorry just saw u did it!!!!! yiipppeeeeeeee!!!!! bloody good for u! give urself
a
huge pat on the back and be proud of yourself. i wish more
people can be like you then these creeps might think twice about the ways they treat woman but i get it is really hard.
you are a fab role model for your daughter. tell her about this down the line when she is older, it's defo something to be praised.
now get a night out with ur pals arranged and get some support from your
real life pals or family. and don't hide the reasons. it's not ur shame, it is his. well
done!!!!! x x x

Thank you everyone for being so encouraging. I had the next nights sleep I’ve had in ages! Onwards & upwards from here x

Glad you're putting yourself first OP. Well done x

So happy for you, OP. Well done and enjoy your peace, freedom, and sleep!

No, the flowers were for you after I read your post. The second bit was for the op, that was why there was a big gap, but maybe I should have tagged them on that bit

he would get engaged but not want to tell anyone. It caused a huge row, and then he said he just meant his friends would all laugh and take the “mickey” out of him as he always said he never would.

He sounds, at best, extremely immature.

And the sort of man who'd have a 'I'll never get engaged or married" rule has ishoos. And probably quite misogynist.

Then there's the fact that someone might be rash etc.benough on the subject to say this, but meet someone and change their mind ... and actually have the maturity and balls and communication skills to tell their friends that they've changed their mind. Instead he wants to hide it like a little boy and maintain his hard-line/hard man image ... not the behaviour of an adult.

He honestly thinks you owe him sex whenever he wants it and for him to live in your house and for you to do all the getting up at night with a pet you both agreed to get etc etc etc. .... While he would hide the status of your relationship and expect you to pretend you're not engaged, when you are; for his image/pride??

The sex thing, the pestering, the not being able to sleep (!) ..... Not normal. Or reasonable. Or workable.

Everything about him sounds like he hasn't developed or matured as an adult.

@longtompot Ah ok. Thank you

Great news OP!
You’ll feel like a totally different person with proper sleep.
You, DC and puppy have a great and happier future ahead now he’s gone.
Pack his stuff and get a friend or two to be at the house when he collects so he can’t chat shit at you.
💐

I divorced one like this. Do not have a baby with him.

Wow! This guy sounds seriously scary - it would not surprise me if he already has some convictions for violence.

You need to get away now and not look back.
Please work on your self esteem and familiarise yourself with Clare’s law for next time you meet someone you want a relationship with.