Partner pressures for sex…

[FrancesInWonderland]

First post so please be gentle..

I have been with my partner for 2 years & I have a child from a previous relationship. We all live together and get on great.

We never tend to have sex of an evening as my DD is a teenager, the house is small and it’s not a very quiet activity. So morning tends to be the time we choose as I know she is deep asleep. However, we recently got a puppy. She sometimes wakes in the night and then again at around 5am, our sex life has dwindled to once a week when my partner usually comes home at lunchtime. We had discussed this and both agreed it would work for now as eventually the puppy will hold her bladder longer and life will go back to normal. The early mornings don’t bother me as I work from home so it allows me to make a start to the day.

Recently his behaviour towards me has changed and I am starting to question whether it is me as he repeatedly tells me I’m weird. He wakes me up 3/4 times a night to ask me for sex and if I say no his reaction makes me feel so low. He will swear, huff, puff, turn his back on me, talk in third person to the dog about me ignoring his needs. It’s almost as if he has a tantrum. When we do have sex he always says - ahh I feel better now, I’ll leave you alone for a couple of days. As if it was some sort of transaction. I am at a point where I do it for a quiet life.

Since we had the dog I get around 6 hours of sleep a night. He has never got out of bed to take her out, and I’ve accepted it’s my role so why can’t he accept I need to sleep?

Throughout the day yesterday he mentioned sex 19 times, and I know it may sound crazy for me to count but I literally feel like an emotional punch bag. I’m not withholding sex, it’s just not as many times a week as he would like.

His final words this morning were - I should be grateful he finds me attractive and wants sex with his gorgeous partner because a lot of men will get it from somewhere else. I replied to say there are also men who respect their partner and don’t make ultimatums.

I don’t know what to do next. I can’t talk to my family as I don’t want them to dislike him but I am really finding this difficult to cope with.

To top it all off he is adamant he wants a baby to which I’ve said we are not ready to do so, he’s given me no help with the dog and almost acts as if she didn’t exist even though he also wanted her. He said it isn’t what he thought it would be and I’m being selfish as a baby doesn’t compare. But after having one child, I think their are similarities in a puppy, I.e broken sleep, toilet training, constant need for attention, feeding..

I feel like this was a phase and would pass as life with the puppy gets easier. But his reaction is what’s really concerned me.

Am I being coerced?

Having no self confidence from my DDs dad makes me question myself. But I am going to try to stop doing so.

you should consider doing the freedom programme. It will help you to understand and make better relationship choices so you can recognise the coercive arseholes who nag about their ‘needs’ in future.

I've just read your update that he see it as a woman's duty for a man 💩

Do you have any more information on this please? Or shall I just put it into a search engine. Thank you. X

@FrancesInWonderland

Fortunately, I am financially stable and it is my house, and my sole mortgage. He has only lived here since August.

Thank goodness- and I see he's a partner not a husband.

Mangling Shakespeare
"Stand not upon the order of [his] going, But go at once."

Before you give him your marching orders:

• Tell several friends/family members that's what you'll be doing so they can call you/come round to check on you
• ensure anything precious to you or difficult/expensive to replace (including passports, your and your child's birth certificates plus anything sentimental) is stored with someone safe offsite
• change all your passwords (banking, shopping apps, Netflix etc, router, laptop and smartphone) is changed before you tell him. Especially banking so he can't access your funds beforehand he leaves - some men are prone to clearing accounts

Afterwards

• change beneficiary name for life insurance, company's death in service, occupational pension etc and
• ensure you claim your 25% council tax discount as the only adult in the residence if your DD is under 18 or not in full time employment
• change your Will if he's a beneficiary

Good luck in clearing your path 🌹

Op, just kick him out today. You don't owe this disgusting man a single fucking thing.

Just a side-note (as maybe you guys have discussed marriage and decided it wasn't something you ever wanted) but any man who brought up having babies with me before proposing and getting me down the aisle...I'd think was a disrespectful prick.

You know the sort of men who want to get you pregnant before even discussing marriage? 1. Controllers who want more leverage over you and know a baby wpuld make it harder for you to leave. Or 2. Manchild idiots who think you'll do all the baby work anyway so they don't need to commit. Who see you as their second mummy, there only to meet their needs.

Only exception would be if you are both against the idea of marriage and its been discussed at length. But even then, why would he bring up babies when you've both just got a new puppy?! He really seems intent on exhausting you doesn't he.

I hope your birth control is full proof. I wouldn't trust condoms with the likes of him.
Hope you get away fast! He's awful.

I’ve asked him to take his turn with the puppy and he tells me he just can’t wake up

How would that be any different with a baby?

You'd be expected to do all or the vast majority of the night waking - which is at best, deeply unfair ...at worst could contribute to post natal depression.

Why does he think someone would w anant to have his baby when he's shown he can't even motivate himself to get up for a dog and is making a woman do all the getting up?

You'd be mad to; with the sex entitlement/coercion as well.....

Again, how's that gonna work with pregnancy, possible birth injuries, birth recovery, possible breast feeding, night waking, sleep deprivation, the co sleeping a lot of people get dragged into to get any sleep etc?
A sex pest on top of that sounds like fun.

His head is in the clouds re a baby.

But then maybe he thinks it would tie you to him. and make his position in your home nice and secure.

He sounds like he wants to lock you down, for his benefit, with a baby.

He's not worried about the responsibility because he thinks you'll be pretty much doing it all anyway.

You should be glad he's not smart enough to have hidden his personality and core beliefs.

I'm the one in my relationship with the higher drive and I do understand it can be quite frustrating if you're not on the same page but his behaviour is awful. I think you do have to make some compromises in the fact that yes you have a child in the house but it doesn't always have to be morning sex. Can't you sneak away to "fold laundry" or "have a lie down" or when she's in her room..run to the bathroom. If me and my partner only ever had sex once a week first thing in the morning, I'd probably get a bit meh! We have 2 children, 3 every other weekend & a 1yr old dog and we have become pros at sneaking off.

Him constantly on at you, waking you in the night, making remarks about cheating etc, having tantrums..what a turn off! That's controlling and coercive. My ex husband was like that (strange that I had 0 libido when I was with him, and now I'm the one in my current relationship who can't get enough😂) he thought he was entitled to it and if he didn't get it, it was normal to be grumpy because I wasn't doing what a wife should do. It's exhausting, I would go along with it every so often just to tick a box and buy myself a couple of days with him not moaning but it's no way to live! Why can't he get up with the puppy, but he'd happily have sex during the night? Can't be that tired! X

My ex used to pester me for sex (and oral sex), I found it painful and uncomfortable as he never bothered with me, it was always for him. It really put me off. But he did the same asking constantly, telling me I was lucky etc.

Funny thing is the last two men I slept with it was fine.

My ex was an abusive narcissist. You don't want it to go any further so I'd leave him before it does.

My ex husband did this, I stayed too long.

He's telling you exactly who he is OP, you deserve so much better from your life. Make plans to leave as soon as you can.

I feel emotionally exhausted. Hence the post this morning. I just needed someone to talk to.

We had discussed marriage previously, and embarrassingly he told me - he would get engaged but not want to tell anyone. It caused a huge row, and then he said he just meant his friends would all laugh and take the “mickey” out of him as he always said he never would. After that I said I would never have the conversation about it again as anyone who deserved to marry me would want to shout it from the rooftops. This is another reason I said no to having a baby.

I had my DD at 20 whilst I was at university and her dad was useless. It has been hard. But I came through it the other end, graduated, qualified and found my own way. I think you are right, it is a control thing for him and would create a tie. I said from the beginning I didn’t think I would want any more children as I have spent my 20s being a parent, and whilst i have loved it, selfishly I want to spend my 40s being more than just mum.

When I say all this out loud it makes me realise how far DD and I have come, and makes me question why I have put up with his behaviour.

Don't breed with him.

He does nothing for the puppy. Why would he step up for a child?

He's a demanding sex pest. He's bad enough now.

He will be utter hell when you're sore, exhausted, post natal hormonal, putting a helpless baby's needs above his, sex the LAST thing on your mind ...

Yeah he's a pisstaker. The 'if we get engaged let's keep it secret' smacks of wanting to keep his options open too. Can't have 'engaged' on his social media if you may want to flirt woth other women for example. But oh yeah 'it's just because my friends will laugh at me'. Sure pal. Sure.

What is it with all these awful, entitled man babies today? Whiny waa-waa “but I waaaant it, waaah!” Couldn’t be happier to be single and celibate.

Well.. we’ve had a frank discussion and he will not be coming back to my home tonight. He basically said, he would do anything for me and the relationship doesn’t work if it isn’t both ways. I can only assume he was referring to sex again, as yesterday I cooked a roast dinner on a Tuesday and re organised his wardrobe lol. If I don’t laugh I will probably cry. He does not think his behaviour was wrong as he is pissed off and apparently unable to sleep all night last night because i wouldn’t agree to have sex with him at 1am, 3am or 4am, and he feels horny all night.

On the other hand I do feel like I have had a weight lifted off my shoulders by saying my truth. I feel like I’ve let my daughter down as I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to explain the situation and the house seems silent…

This x1000

Walking you multiple times per night for sex? He deserves to be buried under the patio for that alone.

If he couldn't sleep he could have helped with the puppy!

Well done, OP.

Here's a link to the Freedom Programme https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/ to help keep you motivated to not let him back.

What a prat he is. By his reasoning, single men must never be able to sleep.

I can't stand men that reduce 'all men' to helpless 'blue ball' knuckle draggers. That try to make out sex is an entitlement and its worse than world hunger if they have to go without for a week. He could have gone for a wank, checked on the puppy on the way back and let you sleep. Dickhead.

It's coercive bullshit and its not normal behaviour from a man. It's selfish behaviour from a cunt.

Well done you for standing up to it.
Prick even trying to gaslight you still. Hopefully you can get him out clean.and easy. Tbh, I'd change the locks whilst he is gone and then drop his stuff at his mums.

You sound utterly lovely and I'm so glad for you and your daughter that you have gotten rid of that creep. However I would advise doing the freedom program before you embark on any other relationship to figure out why someone like you would put up with and settle for someone like him. I'm mystified

You sound amazing. You know you have done the right thing. Keep going for you and your dd

I’m quite sure your daughter and puppy won’t miss him and within a week or two it will be like he was never there

Please leave, he's disgusting and views you as no more than a receptacle for his penis. You are worth so, so much more than that. Get away from this abusive, misogynistic pig, please.

Just seen you have, good for you OP. Men like that are defective and shouldn't be in relationships with anything but a fleshlight and a bottle of lube. You're well rid.

Exactly. He probably says the same thing to the toilet 🤮

You are worth more than this! Get rid of the pig, for goodness' sake.