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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner pressures for sex…

120 replies

FrancesInWonderland · 11/10/2023 09:49

First post so please be gentle..

I have been with my partner for 2 years & I have a child from a previous relationship. We all live together and get on great.

We never tend to have sex of an evening as my DD is a teenager, the house is small and it’s not a very quiet activity. So morning tends to be the time we choose as I know she is deep asleep. However, we recently got a puppy. She sometimes wakes in the night and then again at around 5am, our sex life has dwindled to once a week when my partner usually comes home at lunchtime. We had discussed this and both agreed it would work for now as eventually the puppy will hold her bladder longer and life will go back to normal. The early mornings don’t bother me as I work from home so it allows me to make a start to the day.

Recently his behaviour towards me has changed and I am starting to question whether it is me as he repeatedly tells me I’m weird. He wakes me up 3/4 times a night to ask me for sex and if I say no his reaction makes me feel so low. He will swear, huff, puff, turn his back on me, talk in third person to the dog about me ignoring his needs. It’s almost as if he has a tantrum. When we do have sex he always says - ahh I feel better now, I’ll leave you alone for a couple of days. As if it was some sort of transaction. I am at a point where I do it for a quiet life.

Since we had the dog I get around 6 hours of sleep a night. He has never got out of bed to take her out, and I’ve accepted it’s my role so why can’t he accept I need to sleep?

Throughout the day yesterday he mentioned sex 19 times, and I know it may sound crazy for me to count but I literally feel like an emotional punch bag. I’m not withholding sex, it’s just not as many times a week as he would like.

His final words this morning were - I should be grateful he finds me attractive and wants sex with his gorgeous partner because a lot of men will get it from somewhere else. I replied to say there are also men who respect their partner and don’t make ultimatums.

I don’t know what to do next. I can’t talk to my family as I don’t want them to dislike him but I am really finding this difficult to cope with.

To top it all off he is adamant he wants a baby to which I’ve said we are not ready to do so, he’s given me no help with the dog and almost acts as if she didn’t exist even though he also wanted her. He said it isn’t what he thought it would be and I’m being selfish as a baby doesn’t compare. But after having one child, I think their are similarities in a puppy, I.e broken sleep, toilet training, constant need for attention, feeding..

I feel like this was a phase and would pass as life with the puppy gets easier. But his reaction is what’s really concerned me.

Am I being coerced?

OP posts:
purpleboy · 11/10/2023 11:54

He's gross and you deserve better, thank you you got a puppy before having a child with this looser, you can see how utterly useless he will be as a father, that's before you get onto the abusive behaviour.

Stressfordays · 11/10/2023 11:55

Yuk, I'd get the ick fast with this. Get him in the bin.

Wetandhorrible · 11/10/2023 12:16

It's abuse,leave him. At the very least, don't get pregnant!!

Taketurn · 11/10/2023 12:18

Ewwwww
Please leave now OP!!

OhDoh · 11/10/2023 12:22

Run! Seriously he sounds vile

itsmyp4rty · 11/10/2023 12:24

Nothing gives me the ick more than an sex pest. Don't ever have a child with this useless man baby.

Having a baby won't be what he thinks it is either and you'll be left to do it all while he hounds you for sex.

Penguinsmum · 11/10/2023 12:26

Omg don't have a baby with him! He sounds vile.

Beamur · 11/10/2023 12:28

He's showing his true colours.
He'll be even worse if you have a baby together. He has no respect for you. Honestly, this behaviour would make me rethink the relationship entirely.

GilberMarkham · 11/10/2023 12:31

He's a sex pest.

He's sexually coercive.

He's deeply selfish.

His morals are dodgy; he tells you you're lucky he's hassling you for sex instead of cheating.

You both apparently wanted/agreed to the pup but he's making you do all the work.

He'll be similar with a new baby. Entitled, demanding, coercive, lazy, selfish and sex pesty, highly inconsiderate.

Really really ... Do not have a baby with him.

You moved him in too soon, sorry.

Taketurn · 11/10/2023 12:31

Reading OP's post also made me realize that some men are literally only with women for sex and for sex only.

Soundslikemystory · 11/10/2023 12:35

Leave him. Please don’t have a child with him. It’ll be a lifetime of misery. My husband was exactly like this and worse. This type of person doesn’t have the EQ. He’d say it was my wifely duties and I had sex when I didn’t want to. Many times. He knew I didn’t want to do it yet he got off on it. Disgusting. I didn’t realise till far too late it was sexual coercion. This destroyed my marriage and we’re now separated. I can’t see him any other way anymore.
Don’t become me.

Wiglio · 11/10/2023 12:54

OP, all I have to go on about your partner is what you’ve put in your post. He sounds absolutely ghastly. Please boot him out.

TheCatterall · 11/10/2023 13:01

@FrancesInWonderland yes you are being coerced.

he sees it as his right and you need to fulfill his manly needs.

does he care about your enjoyment of sex - or is it a means to an end and as long as he comes he’s done?

his comment about leaving you alone for a few days made my Fanny clamp shut.

why is he not getting up with the dog. Have you told him it’s his turn?

I’d be reconsidering having this man in my life if I were you. Can guarantee he wouldn’t be any different puppy or baby… you’d be left to raise the baby as well and expected to perform for him when he wants and to do all the night feeds etc.

His behaviour would be the final straw for me.

MackenCheese · 11/10/2023 13:08

All of the above!! Literally NO ONE thinks you should stay with him ...

Gettingbysomehow · 11/10/2023 13:13

My ex husband started this and I divorced him. I cannot abide this disgusting behaviour.
He should be grateful you haven't flung him out onto the street.
Personally I think you should.

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 13:18

TheCatterall · 11/10/2023 13:01

@FrancesInWonderland yes you are being coerced.

he sees it as his right and you need to fulfill his manly needs.

does he care about your enjoyment of sex - or is it a means to an end and as long as he comes he’s done?

his comment about leaving you alone for a few days made my Fanny clamp shut.

why is he not getting up with the dog. Have you told him it’s his turn?

I’d be reconsidering having this man in my life if I were you. Can guarantee he wouldn’t be any different puppy or baby… you’d be left to raise the baby as well and expected to perform for him when he wants and to do all the night feeds etc.

His behaviour would be the final straw for me.

@FrancesInWonderland

Yes all of this ^^.

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof and absolutely under your own control because I've little doubt this sex pest would "stealth" you or otherwise compromise your contraception so you become pregnant - and make life much more difficult for you going forward. 🌹

Original poster
FrancesInWonderland · 11/10/2023 13:42

Thank you everyone, it’s hard to hear but I know that every word is right.

I’ve asked him to take his turn with the puppy and he tells me he just can’t wake up. It was not my sole decision to get her as I have had a dog previously and knew what a big responsibility it is. But she has made the home happier for me and my DD regardless of his horrid behaviour. Long will that happiness and animation continue when he is no longer here.

I think the harsh reality is, he does see sex as a woman’s duty for a man, and that viewpoint will not change at his age of 39 and explains to me why this has been his longest relationship, because likelihood is no one else would put up with it.

Fortunately, I am financially stable and it is my house, and my sole mortgage. He has only lived here since August.

I have some big life changes to make. Really grateful for this forum as sometimes you need someone to tell you exactly how it is, independent of the situation. Strange thing is deep down I guess I know already. Having no self confidence from my DDs dad makes me question myself. But I am going to try to stop doing so.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 11/10/2023 13:51

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2023 09:52

Please, send this man packing, right now. He is sexually and emotionally abusive, and you should want him as far away from you and your child as possible. There is no coming back from this.

I second this

You are setting a terrible example for your daughter - this is not a relationship of equals.

Wetandhorrible · 11/10/2023 13:56

FrancesInWonderland · 11/10/2023 13:42

Thank you everyone, it’s hard to hear but I know that every word is right.

I’ve asked him to take his turn with the puppy and he tells me he just can’t wake up. It was not my sole decision to get her as I have had a dog previously and knew what a big responsibility it is. But she has made the home happier for me and my DD regardless of his horrid behaviour. Long will that happiness and animation continue when he is no longer here.

I think the harsh reality is, he does see sex as a woman’s duty for a man, and that viewpoint will not change at his age of 39 and explains to me why this has been his longest relationship, because likelihood is no one else would put up with it.

Fortunately, I am financially stable and it is my house, and my sole mortgage. He has only lived here since August.

I have some big life changes to make. Really grateful for this forum as sometimes you need someone to tell you exactly how it is, independent of the situation. Strange thing is deep down I guess I know already. Having no self confidence from my DDs dad makes me question myself. But I am going to try to stop doing so.

God to hear: best of luck , op. Glad the house is all yours,makes it easier 👍

pieinthesky10 · 11/10/2023 13:56

Awful behaviour he is entitled, mysogynistic and abusive.

Paddestow · 11/10/2023 13:56

Pleeeeaaaase don't have a baby with this man.

"I'll leave you alone now for a couple of days"

How thoughtful of him. That would secure the end of the relationship for me. 🤮

mummymeister · 11/10/2023 13:58

you see how he has behaved with the puppy situation. this is exactly what he is going to be like if you had a baby. only worse.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2023 14:03

Chuck him out op; his attitude is disgusting

pikkumyy77 · 11/10/2023 14:03

Jesus I threw up a little my mouth just reading that. He is revolting! Throw him out. Keep the puppy.

marshyrun · 11/10/2023 14:05

I'm female and the situation is flipped in my relationship, I am in your husbands shoes. However, I don't pester my partner, nor do I make awful comments about "how lucky he is I've not cheated", that's just wrong. My partner is self employed and has a very tiring manual job, he does 10-12 hour shifts 6 days a week so he's physically exhausted when he gets home, so it's the last thing on his mind. We probably have it more often than your average couple, but I'd say its initiated by me 75% of the time. For me it's not about my needs being met, which obviously is great, but like the male poster mentioned above, it's about feeling desired, having that moment of intimacy and affection with the person you love.

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