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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone done the freedom programme? And did you feel this if you did?

52 replies

beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:12

I started to do it online almost 2 years ago but life was so chaotic then, I didn't really pay much attention to it.

For various reasons, I also remained in the same relationship. I am not out of that relationship and start the freedom programme in person as part of a group tomorrow. This is part of a women's charity that I've been working with and I've done various courses through them before.

I'm really looking forward to starting it but I have one huge worry. I will think that it doesn't apply to me. That my relationship wasn't as bad as some of the other women's will appear to be. I'm worried that it won't help. I don't see myself as a victim. He wasn't physically violent to me (though he had been in a few fights with other men I suppose), he never did anything like call me nasty names. He never even really shouted at me.

It was more silent treatment, control, manipulation, accusations and paranoia. Shouting at me when I was at my most vulnerable (pregnancy, after child birth, when my mental health wasn't great etc). He was also a gambling addict - but I'd even say that wasn't bad because he never left us with no money.

I know full well that in the group session tomorrow, if there's a lovely lady there talking about how her abusive relationship was full of violence etc, then I will think 'well mine isn't as bad as that, I shouldn't be here'

I don't think it helps that I started it online and didn't feel much of it related to me.

Has anyone ever done it and found similar? How did you find your experience?

OP posts:
Frodedendron · 10/10/2023 13:20

OP I haven't done it but I worked for a charity that ran the programme. I really, really encourage you to say what you have written here when you attend - even maybe when you introduce yourself. I can guarantee you will not be the only woman in the room who thinks the same, in fact I believe a majority might.

Gaslighting and minimalisation are key tools that abusers use and it is very common for women to believe it was not that bad or others have it worse. It is a facet of the abuse and one of the ways it is perpetuated. It's great that you have the self-awareness to see this in yourself as many women will believe it on a subconscious level without ever seeing it for what it is.

Name99 · 10/10/2023 13:21

I think from your OP, you really need to do the course

TwilightSkies · 10/10/2023 13:23

Just because other women have been hit by their partners doesn’t mean you don’t need the group.
From reading your OP, yes you definitely need it.

Oldthyme · 10/10/2023 13:26

No experience is ever wasted.
Don’t minimise the unseen trauma he has caused you.
Do the course. It might bring an insight you haven’t even thought of. It’s a learning experience.
Do it!

Original poster
beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:26

Name99 · 10/10/2023 13:21

I think from your OP, you really need to do the course

I agree - that's why I'm doing it. I am 100% doing it. Even if I feel I shouldn't be there, I won't give up.

I've spent 2 years trying to leave this man and now I've done it. But in that 2 years, what he doesn't know is that I've been working on myself massively. It may not sound like it from my post but I have. Therapy, courses with the above charity.

My head is totally clear in that the way I have been treated is wrong. I know it's abuse. All of it. I also recognise that I've known this a while and allowed it to continue - the trauma bond.

I know it all. But I always think because the major parts of abuse didn't happen, it makes it less. Because his abuse to me was clever. It was full of love bombing mixed with making me feel worthless. Narcissistic abuse. Saying that - it's probably one of the worst forms of abuse there is because it's all in the mind and not bruises.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:27

I am definitely doing the course. I've been on the waiting list for months for it. I won't be not turning up or giving up.

OP posts:
Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 13:28

I was in a women's refuge with the kids and they said to me I could join some group. I never did though (wish I had) I was shell-shocked and on my last legs tbh. I didn't really think I was in an abusive relationship, well not compared to the other women there, some of whom had been beaten etc. Nobody really explained it to me properly. Even the time in the refuge was quite traumatic, although didn't recognise it at the time.

Didn't relax an iota until we got our own house. Didn't realise I had been stressed and tense until we could just chill out in our own space.

Original poster
beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:29

Frodedendron · 10/10/2023 13:20

OP I haven't done it but I worked for a charity that ran the programme. I really, really encourage you to say what you have written here when you attend - even maybe when you introduce yourself. I can guarantee you will not be the only woman in the room who thinks the same, in fact I believe a majority might.

Gaslighting and minimalisation are key tools that abusers use and it is very common for women to believe it was not that bad or others have it worse. It is a facet of the abuse and one of the ways it is perpetuated. It's great that you have the self-awareness to see this in yourself as many women will believe it on a subconscious level without ever seeing it for what it is.

Thank you so much. I can say this 100%. Some of the women I probably will already know from previous courses and I'm definitely not nervous about speaking up.

I just don't want to put myself down if something we are talking about doesn't necessarily relate to me

OP posts:
Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 13:36

Think im a prime example of the minimising and comparing to others. Sadly something shit happened to my youngest in the refuge, I had no clue what was going on.

Frith2013 · 10/10/2023 13:36

I'm the lone voice on Mumsnet who found it absolutely rubbish. I could have cobbled together something better myself.

Frith2013 · 10/10/2023 13:39

I also found living in a refuge horrendous. It was a means to an end but the noise, mess, drug dealing and women being so incredibly mean and rough to their tiny children was an eye opener to me.

Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 13:39

I know what you mean Frith, the only people who seem to be talked about (in this arena) are men. I look at them askence tbh.

Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 13:43

My little child got slapped around the face by some lunatic woman they had included in there, despite her being the abuser. I had no clue what went on, the staff seemed to want to cover there arses and kicked her out. I thought I was in a safe space and was totally blindsided, if I was older I would have laid holy hell.

Original poster
beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:47

Frith2013 · 10/10/2023 13:36

I'm the lone voice on Mumsnet who found it absolutely rubbish. I could have cobbled together something better myself.

This is what I thought when I started doing it online. I got so far in and just couldn't get into it at all. I'm hoping that doing it in person and having someone as a guide will make all the difference.

Again I just assumed my abuse wasn't as bad because I've heard people say how life changing it is but to me.....I did nothing. Equally my mind wasn't in it and I was sharing a double bed with my 2 of my kids at the time so it wasn't exactly the best time to try concentrate.

OP posts:
Original poster
beigevase · 10/10/2023 13:50

I really feel for you all that we're in a refuge. It must be truly horrendous.

I managed to escape that by moving in with my mum until I was housed because I have 3 children with additional needs - 1 quite severe.

The council took me as a priority but again....I didn't understand why because I didn't think what I had been through was the bad. I can't wait for the day when the fog lifts.

OP posts:
midnitghtgraveyard · 10/10/2023 14:01

Frith2013 · 10/10/2023 13:36

I'm the lone voice on Mumsnet who found it absolutely rubbish. I could have cobbled together something better myself.

I agree i done the program twice.

Cola2023 · 10/10/2023 14:09

Is therapy an option?

I was in an abusive relationship on and off for three years. Ended recently and have managed to maintain no contact for 3+ weeks now, which is the longest I've ever managed.

I didn't do the programme but went to therapy for two years. My problem was broader - people pleasing in general - so I found that helped a lot over a long time. I cut several people off and stopped feeling obligated.

I also got advice from the police, which helped. I didn't make a report.

I don't think I could cope with a programme and hearing about the abuse of others, so avoiding triggers and staying busy has been my main way of staying well.

Just letting you know people need different methods and there's no pressure to get over it quickly.

MissIndecisive2023 · 10/10/2023 14:13

I did the online version and didn't get on with it, but a book that I did find very useful is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Might be worth a read if you haven't already.

Abitslow · 10/10/2023 14:18

I was in refuge for 3 months and had to do the freedom program as part of our agreement.
Living in the refuge was like a woman prison.
I went thinking id get support and clear my head etc.
Staff keep us so busy with appointments and classes on abuse that we saw every man as a villain.
Maybe i got the worst refuge but the program done nothing for me.
only good thing i can say about it all was im still good mates with some of the other women that was in the with me.
And the staff that thought they knew everything about abuse.
I had two front teeth missing and a busted up face and a staff member said she knew what i was going through (her words i never been through it but i no how you feel you need the freedom program) huuummm no i need a doctor.

UnDruidlyWords · 10/10/2023 14:19

Not about VAWG, but in a group I'm in for another issue, many of us have realised that we've minimised the abuse we experienced. Some, including me, have said in the past that as we weren't sexually abused and 'only' experienced violence and neglect, that it wasn't 'real' abuse. As a group, we told each other 'Yes, it bloody well was real abuse'. We'd all minimised what happened to us in order to protect ourselves psychologically. Just because you don't have bruises doesn't mean you haven't been abused.

Cola2023 · 10/10/2023 14:20

MissIndecisive2023 · 10/10/2023 14:13

I did the online version and didn't get on with it, but a book that I did find very useful is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Might be worth a read if you haven't already.

There's a youtube video summarising this book that's helpful. Particularly why some men destroy your property - entitlement.

One example is where a woman writes an essay for a course she's taking. Her husband destroys it for revenge.

Seeing it as entitlement rather than blind rage he couldn't control helped me reframe various things he'd done.

Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 14:29

I think websites like baggereclaim are better, more nuanced than the bloke views.

Wallywobbles · 10/10/2023 14:32

I did it online as I started going out with my current DH. So I was asking him loads of questions.

My ex didn't hit me but was unbelievably abusive.

It is a fabulous resource in any of its forms.

GreyCarpet · 10/10/2023 16:21

You know it was abuse. You know there are many forms of abuse. That you are worried yours won't be as bad, is part of the ongoing effect of the abuse.

For context, I grew up in abuse. I now work with childen every day who are abused. I often think that abuse 'wasn't that bad' except that I'm now nearly 50 and cUt contact with my abuser at 37. My life has been, and continues to be, severely impacted by that abuse. I live with the impact of it every day. As you will too.

You are as entitled to the support as anyone.

GreyCarpet · 10/10/2023 16:22

We'd all minimised what happened to us in order to protect ourselves psychologically.

Thisais spot on.