Has anyone done the freedom programme? And did you feel this if you did?

[beigevase]

I started to do it online almost 2 years ago but life was so chaotic then, I didn't really pay much attention to it.

For various reasons, I also remained in the same relationship. I am not out of that relationship and start the freedom programme in person as part of a group tomorrow. This is part of a women's charity that I've been working with and I've done various courses through them before.

I'm really looking forward to starting it but I have one huge worry. I will think that it doesn't apply to me. That my relationship wasn't as bad as some of the other women's will appear to be. I'm worried that it won't help. I don't see myself as a victim. He wasn't physically violent to me (though he had been in a few fights with other men I suppose), he never did anything like call me nasty names. He never even really shouted at me.

It was more silent treatment, control, manipulation, accusations and paranoia. Shouting at me when I was at my most vulnerable (pregnancy, after child birth, when my mental health wasn't great etc). He was also a gambling addict - but I'd even say that wasn't bad because he never left us with no money.

I know full well that in the group session tomorrow, if there's a lovely lady there talking about how her abusive relationship was full of violence etc, then I will think 'well mine isn't as bad as that, I shouldn't be here'

I don't think it helps that I started it online and didn't feel much of it related to me.

Has anyone ever done it and found similar? How did you find your experience?

I did the course and found it really disappointing as it was so basic and mostly just common sense

You were in an abusive situation and deserve to be there as much as anyone else.

What would you say to a woman who'd been in your shoes?

If it helps, think of a medical analagy. If you go into your local Oncology Dept, there will be some people with early stage, entirely treatable cancer, and some who tragically will soon lose their fight. They all still deserve treatment though don't though?

Not least because, if left untreated, a 'less serious situation can become much worse, or return later on (to continue the analagy).

That said, your abuse was very real and not in any way 'mild'.

The course was designed for women exactly like you to learn about all of the kinds of abuse. The first step is recognising what is happening. What you described in your relationship is classic coercive control. In many ways it is harder to distance yourself from this because of the gaslighting and mind games. Seeing other women share their stories will hopefully reassure you that you are not alone, abuse can happen to anyone and that there is a way forward when you are ready. Please go with an open mind, you deserve to have a happy life.

The Freedom Programme is about recognising different forms of abuse. It should address your exact situation- ie. It wasn't physical and perhaps not as extreme as some cases. So i would say definitely worth going.

Hi OP, I did the course in person, initially I wasn't even sure why I was going, my experience was much the same as you describe, controlling, mind games, walking on eggshells and I doubted if I was remembering things the way they actually happened.
Yes the program is basic, but it opened my eyes to things I had been in denial about and more importantly it was a safe space to discuss with others things I couldn't discuss with family or friends and at times have a good cry that the partner I had loved wasn't good for me.
The organiser was more of a conversation starter, the real help came from the other women who listened, didn't judge and shared insights.
I hope it's helpful for you, I would like to think it helped in my journey to find my current partner who treats me the way we all deserve to be treated.Good luck.

This is what I thought to the online one. Good vs bad fathers etc which I already knew

I've read this like it was me. I've already had therapy and I'm going back. I've already spoken to the police but the same as you, haven't made an official report...yet.

I am also a huge people pleaser. I understand why I am like I am and that it comes from child hood trauma. I am an absolute dream partner for someone like Exh. I get it all. It's just the trauma bond that I need to break. He is blocked on everything.

Well done on no contact for 3 weeks. That's quite an achievement. How are you feeling as time is moving on?

I did a course run by my local Women's Aid, based on the Freedom Programme. I thought like you that as I was never physically threatened (not until after we'd separated anyway), that what happened to me wasn't as bad. The women all said that psychological abuse was far more difficult to cope with than a beating. With physical abuse, they knew that it would end fairly rapidly whilst the psychological abuse was constant and long term, had a far more damaging impact in them.

I found it really helpful to share experiences and talk to other women who were at different stages of recovery.

It made me realise that I had blanked a lot of stuff. I worked out that I was targeted from the very start of the relationship with my now ex-H, who met me when I was very vulnerable. I also learned that a lot of things that I grew to think of as normal in a relationship were actually abusive.

It was traumatic going over stuff, but ultimately has helped me get my head around what happened to me, enabling me to move on with my life. I know my worth now and no one can take that from me.

I really enjoyed today. I knew it would be the other women that made it worthwhile and it was.

It started off talking about violence and shouting...kind of what I really experienced with my 'dominator' but some things I could relate too. Much better than reading it online.

I don't know if it's maybe too soon. My head is so full due to the break up being recent that somethings I just couldn't realise how it did relate to me. Regardless I don't think it will do me any harm.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I'm really looking forward to going back next week and maybe even making some friendships out of it! X

It was the thing that made me end thing
those 12 week really helped

just GO

please x

I do still miss him (this is normal) but don't have the urge to contact him.

It was my birthday yesterday and I'm on my period - both triggers for me - but just keeping busy with work.

I've mostly avoided friends for a few months since I don't have the energy to pretend to be happy (some try to force me to go on nights out and meet strangers) or won't allow me to be sad about it, so I just never mention it.

Having a lot of time alone, with family and one close friend who likes going walks has helped. I'm seeing it as recovery / healing, like from an illness.

I've also been teetotal for weeks. I rarely drank before other than socially, but staying fully sober has been better for my mood and stopped me contacting him.

I think people who haven't been abused and view it like a normal break up don't understand, so I don't waste my time telling them now. Had too many hurtful comments from 'friends' in the past.

@Cola2023 thank you for your response. It really sounds like you are going in the right direction. I really hope you will be ok.

Sounds very similar to me with the friendships. My actually best friend I don't tell anything too. We have a great friendship and she is there in many other ways but she has never experienced anything remotely similar in her life. We have extremely different backgrounds too - her parents still together and happy whereas mine are divorced and there's trauma with that. A big deal to her would be a broken washing machine. She doesn't have the capacity to understand.

Meanwhile I have a friend who is a new, we both have dcs with additional needs and her husband is also abusive. I tell her absolutely everything and I've only known her a few months.

Im glad you say it's normal to miss them. I do miss something - I'm not sure what it is. I woke up today feeling quite alone. I love the silence but equally hate it. Knowing that he is not coming home tonight is both a blessing and heartbreaking.

I think I've just lost my anger. I'm better when I'm angry!

I think losing the anger is a sign of healing. You need to feel sad for a while to accept it before you recover.

I'm dreading Christmas etc but just assuming it'll take me another few months to recover.

I do feel like I wasted years and lost a lot through it - friends, the high stress, impact on health - whereas he lost nothing really. In future I'll maybe make a report. I'm just not ready yet.

Then another, fainter part of me hopes he'll come back again, be nice and make it all worthwhile.

It's ok to be conflicted. I'm just hoping time makes it easier.

@Cola2023 I'm completely with you. This really is such an emotional rollercoaster and it's so difficult to navigate I woke up feeling weak this morning but now stronger.

I think I did a lot of my heartbreak while I was with him. I began to see him for who he really was. He obviously continued to put me through some horrible times but actually he was doing me a favour. Little did he know he was just proving to be the person I was figuring him out to be.

I know my exh will never change. He will have someone else by Xmas and I'm certain he will love bomb her more than ever before to try prove a point to me that he has changed. The woman I think the will end up with has bipolar and sadly likely to fall for it all as she is vulnerable herself. He is a narcissist and I know she will be his next supply.

Xmas is so hard for those who just want to avoid but can't because it's shoved in your face everywhere you look. I hope you can focus on the new year more than Xmas. Then all of this will have happened last year.

I don't know your story but please don't think he can change. I'm sure you gave him every chance to already. He doesn't deserve anymore

All abuse is just abuse full stop and unacceptable. Some will have it worse. Some will have less physical then others like myself but end up more affected and visa versa. I ended up with complex trauma. I had a friend in my freedom programme who was beaten but didn’t develop what I have. It really isn’t comparable. What matters is that we work out the reasons why we accepted what we did and never repeat.

I found the freedom programme good for realising I was not alone. I didn’t need to be embarrassed. I saw a strength in myself for getting out when others could not. It’s such a mixed bag of feelings.

I think I might join a programme when more recovered, since I feel alienated from the majority of my friends.

Only issue is I joined an online, video only support group last December (CoDA) and it made me feel a lot worse. I only went to a few meetings but everyone was so miserable.

I think doing the Freedom Programme F2F is much better than online. You get far better moral support from each other.
Some info is blindingly obvious but it all helps to chip away at our doubts and feelings of (almost) imposter syndrome as to why we’re there in the first place.

I'm not sure if you have anything similar near you but the group I do is through a woman's charity where they do all sorts of courses. I've done other ones on self esteem, anxiety etc.

At ours, we have lovely comfy sofas, endless cups of tea and biscuits and the ladies who run these courses are amazing.

It can be hit and miss on the other women who also attend the course. I've done a couple where there's always been one person that talks all the way through about themselves and I find that very annoying. I love listening to other people's stories but when you get that one person that takes it over the top....like the whole session becomes about them. I don't like that.

Everyone was really quite lovely on my freedom course. There were lots of tears at times from everyone but I look at that as a good thing. It's a healing journey and we're all in it together one way or another.

I felt absolutely exhausted after the course on Wednesday. They do say to have some thing as a treat afterwards. I dont feel you are ever meant to leave the sessions feeling great, it's heavy stuff we are dealing with.

I'd give it another go. If it's not for you then there's no pressure on your shoulders to come back.

Absolutely agree. I'm really looking forward to next week but more to just be around people who get it than anything else.

Did it after I eventually split with exh. Had been referred 14 years earlier when dd ws a baby. Was very much like you describe and felt it wasn't bad enough. Really benefitted though. Emotional abuse is still abuse.

I've done it twice and thought I would feel like you but I didn't. My abuse was similar. But I think you'll get more from it face to face. Please speak to a charity worker as well. They can help hugely. Good luck. Xx

My darling girl...I'm on one tonight as its hit me like a tun of bricks that I am going to be a freedom programme facilitator...
I've had social services in my adult life ever since I had my first child. Age 38 and fleeing dv with 3 kids...the courts made me do the course. I was reluctant and had been through hell and back...this is bullshit but i have to do it...is what I thought.
This course was a game changer...after loosing my 3 kids due to emotional abuse (just for 3 weeks thank god...) I thought I'd been through it all...but this course blew my mind.
4 years later with my kids and setting up home with f all miles away from family and friends I'm ready to kick ass and help others and I'm going to train to be a coach. I want to go into schools ...anywhere I can.
In the course I did (through teams covid 2020) there were woman from all walks of life we all had a story. Coz he doesn't punch u in the face doesn't mean its not abuse...this course will teach u so so much.
I hope someone reads this and reaches out...he got out of jail and still blamed me...like it was my fault he was in there. This course will save ur life I promise...stay strong and pls feel free to contact me xxx

@Singlemumof3fleddv - brilliant post. Thank you and good luck with your training 💪🏼

However this might not reach the intended audience due to the fact this thread dates back to ‘23. It’s called a Zombie thread.

Feel free to start a new thread or contribute to others that are ongoing in the Relationships section.

I have. I felt the same at the start. I wasn't physically threatened until the relationship had ended. I didn't realise how bad the emotional abuse was until I talked it through with the others. There is a tendency to "get on with it", we are conditioned to do that, it makes us minimise what is happening.

I also realised, through the course, that I had also been financially and sexually abused, including marital rape and coercion.

It is hard listening to other women's trauma, but you see the same behaviour patterns. It is eye opening, shocking, but also uplifting - sitting in a room of women who are survivors and working out a way forward. Lots of tears, but also laughter and strength. I hope it does for you what it did for me.