Narc exh and his ow how to cope.

[whatamess100]

How do you cope with narcissist stbxh and his vile gf ( ow) he turns up once a week to collect dc for 6hrs shes in the car glaring and giving me filthy looks from the car or she gets out, puts dc in the car and smirks at me. On two occasions after pick up i got a txt off him saying i shouldn't verbally abuse his gf infront of our dc. This didnt happen on either occasion, either they are both making it up and just sent the txt to make me look bad, or she told him i did, and he believes her but . They are both mental.

I just ignore her actions and now he wont speak to me or give me eye contact anymore which suits me as we are nc, we communicate via our dcs mobile which is tuned on twice a week so he can video call our dc.

I just get so so upsett every time she turns up at my house, i hate seeing her. Between the two of them they tryed to end me one way or another ( very long backstory)

Im just so sick and tired of them constantly poking me for a reaction.

I wish it didnt bother me so much, i wake in the night most nights having convasations in my head with him telling him what i think of them both and how he's letting dc down but in all honestly these convos wont ever happen as he is so toxic and any convasation with him just gives him an arena to start his toxic games and he wont take any of it onboard. i just feel at the moment they are really getting under my skin.

I'd just like to know how others cope with the ow and narc exh and how i can stop getting so upsett when i see her.

Any advice welcome!

This isn't about him or them.

This is about your own relationship with yourself. Their effect on you is a symptom, rather than the problem. If you had better self esteem, they could keep doing what they do, but it wouldn't bother you.

Does that make sense?

Option A Open door.. Shove dc out. Shut door.. Or plan B be glammed up and drive off as they do.... Make them feel like unpaid babysitters... Which I guarantee they will if you choose option B..

Yes it does, today i had a gp call and I'm being refered for councilling.

Some weeks im totally fine, i kiss my dc goodbye shut the door and have a giggle about her being so petty but these last few weeks she is just bothering me. Hopefully i will snap out of it.

I like the sound of option B lol

Have a friend at your house to open the door to send out your DC’s so that you don’t have to have any contact with them.

Why only 6 hours per week? That's a cop out, get him to look after 'his' children for longer, don't let them play happy families, he's left you not the children, you deserve time on your own too, you are not a single parent. Ignore the crap from her, she is obviously insecure - feel sorry for her having him, you are free!! He's a knob x

So, he used to have him alternate saturday and sundays ( sleeping x2 saturdays and just for the day on sunday) thats all i could get him to agree to at mediation. Our dc is 7 and he now refuses to sleep over on the 2 saturdays a month because in his own words be told us both he doesn't feel comfortable at his house. Ex isnt bothered because i dont think he wants him at all.
I tried my very best to get dc to stop but i had to go and pick him up on 2 occasion as he was so upsett and then took weeks for him to become settled again. He's being supported by action for children as he has stuggled with the seperation and dads lack of imput.

I think she does what she does because he wasnt going anywhere, he broke it off with her weeks before i found out and he " chose me" well...i chose to kick his arse down the path and within a matter of weeks he moved in with her.

Can you get a friend to be there, so you have a witness to the fact you aren't abusing anyone? And maybe a Ring doorbell as well? They sound like a right pair. They must both be pretty stupid if they think the kids haven't noticed.

I am really sorry you’re going through this I’ve been you. Firstly get a cheap camera Tapo on Amazon are really good it records sounds as well as video or never be alone at hand over. They will use it against you eventually. Good luck

If you hadn't mentioned the age of your DC I would have thought you were someone I know. My DSCs mum moved her affair partner in about 6 months ago after his wife found out about their 1.5 year affair. They have both been harassing her via text but the dad no longer sees his children after they called social services and police on the mum for no good reason but just out of spite. Now the kids refuse to see him. They are both narcissists.

You are doing everything right by minimising contact. Continue to do that and just ignore any texts from them accusing you of being abusive.

The suggestion of having a friend or family member present for the handover seems like a good idea but probably isn't sustainable if you think you're going to have to do these handovers for a good few years. Avoiding dealing with them will just make you more anxious the next time you have a handover and someone can't be there. Stay strong, continue to minimise interaction and hopefully they'll get bored soon.

Is he paying maintenance for his child?

I now have a ring doorbell off the back of the abuse accusations, both times i had my mum/ friend in the house, they wouldn't of know as both have changed cars so if they do try to use it eventually then they will look very silly.

He does pay maintenance and mostly its on time and without drama, he hit the roof when i applyed thought cms so he reduced his work hours.

i would find it hilarious that the gf feels she “has to be there”, if I was the girlfriend I would not want to put myself in that situation at all.

my ex is a narc and is with the woman he had an affair with and our daughter has to go spend time there but luckily I don’t have to see her as it’s a third party who does handovers, if my ex had to do the handover I know for a fact she would be there giving dirty looks etc as she loves the drama!

i bloody love this response!!!!

About option A or B above (not my own response 🫣)

but these last few weeks she is just bothering me. Hopefully i will snap out of it

Don't leave your psychological wellbeing up to 'hopefully'. Take charge.

What's happened in the last few weeks that would knock your self esteem? Something has triggered this, and finding out may be the key to sorting out your self esteem for good. The fact that you had a relationship with a narcissist suggests a lack of self validation. Have you had a read about that?

There might be a waiting list for a counsellor, but there's a lot you can do for yourself before that. Call it The Me Project :)

What sort of things are you saying to him when you're having the conversations in your head, and do you know who it is that needs to say those things? Why do you keep them quiet? What are you scared of happening, if you screamed them in his face? Answering these sorts of questions keeps your focus on you, not him. After all, your life isn't about him. Is it?

OP you sound like you are one of the sorts of people who ruminate at night (I do too). Sleep is the most important thing and if this is affecting your sleep then you need to have something to help you stop thinking about it. I use the Calm app, they have a free basic version and some paid for stuff. I listen to a sleep story every time I get like this and it really helps. I just force myself to concentrate in the story rather than anything else. Just play it on your phone in your bedroom. I use the same story over and over ... I never get to the end !

Can we stop doing all this "OP what's wrong with you and your low self esteem?" nonsense on these threads! It drives me nuts and again starts pushing the blame for someone's reaction to shit behaviour on to them.

He is a shit and he is behaving like a shit so you are bound to feel upset and angry no matter what your self esteem is like. Anyone would. So don't start feeling bad about your reaction. The way you feel is normal at this stage and is borne of a frustration at not getting closure with him because you have, rightly, gone NC.

You have received some good advice on here about ways to cope. Just don't beat yourself up about your reaction and feel like you are less in some way.
It takes great strength of character to get through a situation like this and you are doing brilliantly because you are putting your child first and trying to rise above it.

I would suggest writing down your feelings as a way to get them out and to process your anger. This might help with the conversations going round in your head. You could then rip up or burn it which also might help.

You should feel relieved that you aren't the OW who is now stuck with an arsehole she clearly doesn't trust.

@whatamess100 i wonder if it’s like old school bullies - if they can see it gets to you they feel victorious.

me - I’m Passive aggressive. I used to greet my ex and the OW with a massive smile. With cheerful chatter. It also calmed down my little one.

The less shits I seemed to give, the happier I was, the less they got to me.

Contact fizzled out within 2 years.

@Jonisaysitbest

Can we stop doing all this "OP what's wrong with you and your low self esteem?" nonsense on these threads! It drives me nuts and again starts pushing the blame for someone's reaction to shit behaviour on to them

It doesn't matter if it drives you nuts. People with a high level of self esteem walk away from abuse with their head high. People with low self esteem stick around for more, and try to figure out what they themselves are doing wrong.

The blame is on the abuser. The responsibility for them stopping their behaviour is on them.

The victim is responsible for their own behaviour, and must take responsibility for their own wellbeing. If they know what the abuser is like, they have 2 options: try to change the abuser's behaviour, or change their own. If you think the best way is to focus on the abuser, best of luck to you, but it doesn't work for abuse victims. When they start to work out why they're sticking around/why they're psychologically still suffering from the abuse, they get somewhere.

@whatamess100 It's important to realise that taking responsibility for yourself in a way you haven't before isn't blaming you for the abuse. It's not even about the abuse. It's all about you, improving your life, for you. Once you get it sorted out, you'll look back and marvel at how you used to step up, emotionally, before a loaded gun, and wonder why you kept getting shot. If these abusive people were trying to insult you by telling you you had 6 legs and your hair was made of yoghurt, you'd laugh them off the doorstep. Work out why you're taking the bull they're spouting so much more seriously. Which insecurities are they playing on? What is it you'd like to say but can't? What is your inner voice screaming?

You should feel relieved

And don't take any notice of anybody who tells you how you should feel. Your feelings are yours, and there are no 'shoulds'.

My exH's gf has to be there at every drop off and pick up as well, it is honestly pathetic! She makes a point of staring at her phone though, not looking out of the car at all. Or puts on a big show of hugging and kissing my DC who are desperate to get to me. They have a young baby together and the poor child gets dragged every other Friday and Sunday afternoon, for a 45 min car ride each way, just so she can 'supervise' 🤣

I would love to tell her that even if he was the last man on earth I would still shoot him and set fire to his genitals. But there are clearly trust and control issues between them (rightly so as he's a cheating scumbag) so I just have a little giggle to myself about how unhappy their relationship must be

I imagine it's much of the same for you OP. If he had 'chosen' you, she will be extremely insecure, after all, she knows what he's capable of. I know it's hard but just try and see how pathetic their 'relationship' is if she feels she has to do that to you. Hold your head up high, you've come out on top here.

It sounds like you are doing well so far and not engaging with either of them other than the essentials, well done.

I would set aside a few minutes each day to allow yourself to think, go through imaginary conversations etc, just allow your mind to wander basically, don't try to shut it off, when that time is over shut the door in your head until the next day.

When you think about, it is really genuinely sad and pathetic that a grown woman is trying to involve a child in this set up because she is not emotionally mature enough etc.

Excuse my English, Such a pair of bitter dickheads!
Don't pay attention to them. Set an app to discuss childcare visitation and cut them off.
Do the picks and drops with a chaperone, do you have a friend etc that can help you with that?

Don't allow them to be in your head, that is what they want, manipulate you.

How fresh is this OP? I'm 3 years out, I've never even seen the OW in person, and haven't been within 20 feet of him (apparently he was at a sportsday, and I walked past him in the waiting room at mediation - which we were in separate rooms for), since the kids just go out the door on their own (also for just the day)

For I'd say the first 2 years, I would also be kept up at night, livid at him (I know she will grow to regret what she's done, because I know him - I just feel sorry for her), but now, I don't think of him at all. The invite for the kids pops up on the calendar, and I just remind them they're seeing their dad that weekend (also no overnights here). I could quite happily never see either him again, or her ever TBH - just grey rock the fuckers until they fade out of my kids lives (which they slowly will, the very low contact is getting lower and lower as time goes by)