Narc exh and his ow how to cope.

[whatamess100]

How do you cope with narcissist stbxh and his vile gf ( ow) he turns up once a week to collect dc for 6hrs shes in the car glaring and giving me filthy looks from the car or she gets out, puts dc in the car and smirks at me. On two occasions after pick up i got a txt off him saying i shouldn't verbally abuse his gf infront of our dc. This didnt happen on either occasion, either they are both making it up and just sent the txt to make me look bad, or she told him i did, and he believes her but . They are both mental.

I just ignore her actions and now he wont speak to me or give me eye contact anymore which suits me as we are nc, we communicate via our dcs mobile which is tuned on twice a week so he can video call our dc.

I just get so so upsett every time she turns up at my house, i hate seeing her. Between the two of them they tryed to end me one way or another ( very long backstory)

Im just so sick and tired of them constantly poking me for a reaction.

I wish it didnt bother me so much, i wake in the night most nights having convasations in my head with him telling him what i think of them both and how he's letting dc down but in all honestly these convos wont ever happen as he is so toxic and any convasation with him just gives him an arena to start his toxic games and he wont take any of it onboard. i just feel at the moment they are really getting under my skin.

I'd just like to know how others cope with the ow and narc exh and how i can stop getting so upsett when i see her.

Any advice welcome!

get someone else to do the handover - if they can’t come to your house just get him picked up and dropped at your parents house

I had all this. Fortunately she didn't turn up on my doorstep but she used to send me the most horrific hate mail. I took it to the police and made a complaint every time.

In your shoes, she's clearly trying to wind you up. She's very insecure the poor dot. I'd do what a PP said and get all done up and leave at the same time as the children. Give her a big smile and say "aww thanks for babysitting". What a pair of stupid twats they are. Do not respond to anything, ignore ignore ignore. Your silence is your most powerful weapon.

My ex had a camera in his car and had to record conversations between us 🤣🤣🤣. He was also tracked on his phone. Oh the panic on his little chops if he was delayed for a moment or two. What a way to live!

oooh this one is fab plan B. fuck it op, have some fun,
give them something to talk about. get dolled up to the nines, have a pals hubby or someeone ex doesn't know, work collegue, mates pal, neighbour anyone u can trust, have him turn up at the same time, have him looking DAPPER!!!! then watch the faces as they pull away. when he asks where u going. just say. the theatre/meal/someplace he loves/hates/wouldn't go with you/always took you.

it's not to make him jealous, it's purely to let them see they have not won and they will
never bring u down.

or have a friend turn up
dolled up to nines as
well. every single contact. 😂

the pair of them deserve each other. idiots.

Oh OP - I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s horrible.

but the best approach is to just ignore this behaviour completely.

They are trying to wind you up.

keep any interaction factual. Don’t worry about the texts- it’s their idea of ‘evidence’. Next time they try that - just say ‘That didn’t happen. However, for the avoidance of doubt in the future, I’d suggest that gf is not present during pick up.’

If they continue to arrive together, then it’s shows them up as liars, if she stops turning up, then there will be no more of these accusations.

Also meet in a public place.

Another alternative would be to record the interaction on your phone. And make sure you can verify the recording was made at that time. ( it’ll be recorded on phone data anyway). Don’t make it obvious you are recording though. This way, you have pretty strong evidence that they are lying.

however, it all depends on whether you want to give this bull shit headspace

on a serious note as well op i would be very wary of those messages as they can be used against you in evidence in court or swd.

eg if he txts stop being verbally abusive i would be challenging that with a example what was said and why it was abusive. get a camera at your front door send a message saying because of your unfounded claims all contacts/pick ups will be recorded. if your new partner tries to talk to me and accuse be of being abusive contact will stop. this is to protect myself.

how fuxking dare she. and he just seems like a doormat she will soon be walking all over.

I wouldn’t worry about the texts - it would only be your response that could be used as evidence. If you said something ‘that bitch can fuck off…’ or some angry rant.

keep all correspondence calm.

@coolkatt has the right idea. Call out the texts as lies - send a factual account of what happened. Just so you have a record

It could be worse. You could be in her position. You could be with that asshole still and constantly worrying he was going to cheat. You know that they say about marrying the mistress? It leaves a job opening!
You are in a better position, you are a better person. You have your children who you want and who want you. You have peace of mind knowing you are a decent person. Don’t let them occupy your mind anymore, they aren’t worth the headspace.
Until you get there fake it, smile and don’t let them know they get to you.

If the gf smirked at me I would give her a look of pity back. You’ve got rid of your ex, and she’s now stuck with him. Poor woman.
If she makes up lies I would say you were ‘concerned’ about her and think she might need some help. How insecure must she be if she needs to turn up at every pick-up? She obviously sees you as a threat.
I agree with the pp and her option B. Get glammed up and look like you are living your best life now without him in it. They are trying to make you feel uncomfortable, you need to turn the tables. If you can’t beat them, join them.

I'd get a ring doorbell, so you have proof you aren't verbally abusive in case he's planning something.

Oh my goodness!! What an absolute joke of a relationship 🤣🤣🤣

Well, if he's a narcissistic abusive twat, you can guarantee that he's giving her all sorts of stories about you that are 100% untrue. She's probably saying to her friends, "oh my god, can you believe the way his ex behaves....?!"

I'm a big believer in "kill with kindness" in these moments. Covert narc exBIL used to do the long face, bring the whole tone down in an attempt to alienate everyone from SIL. DH and would be very consciously super perky and bright, sometimes with an edge. So if he arrived at our house and he wasn't friendly (99% of the time) we'd start with a cheery "hello" and if that didn't work, we'd use the sort of voice you use on a child when they've forgotten to say please or thank you!

In your case, I'd smile widely and give him and her a big wave as you usher the children out, then close the door and get on with your day.

I bet he's told her you're desperate for him back etc etc. You said yourself he's a liar and a cheat, why on earth do you think he'd be any different with her. She probably thinks you're the devil incarnate and that your poor little ex has been dreadfully abused by you.

Doesn't matter if she's a terrible person or just his latest victim, or both. She has nothing to do with you and your best bet is not to engage or to assume anything.

You’ve got to train your brain to not care. It takes work but it’s possible. Also have as little interaction as possible. I give my daughter headphones for her video chats with her dad so I don’t have to listen. If my partner is home he will open the door to him for when he picks her up every other weekend. Otherwise I say goodbye in the house open door out she goes and I shut the door quickly. He will often do a big show and I can’t be bothered to watch it anymore. Same like when he brings her home. He will ring the door then cling onto her on the step with her crying and him crying. I used to stand their looking stupid, I now open the door, tell her there’s a treat on the table and she very quickly runs in. Or I says very swiftly that’s enough and take her hand and bring her in and shut the door. I care no more to look at him or think what’s he’s doing. He will do what he will do, you will never be able to stop it.

Honestly it’s got to come from you to not give a damn about what these stupid people are doing. My inner voice now just says what a twat when I have to interact.

Can you get a 3rd party to hand over the dc's, Mum or a friend or another place to hand over the dc.

Also get a ring doorbell at the front door and put the sign in the window so they can both see it.

Also just remember he’s probably lied to her also so she will be insecure AF. The other woman turned up to a small event I was at when I was still married and we had a big argument 🫣, can’t believe it looking back now, almost like we were fighting over an absolute loser. She’s made no effort to try and bond with my daughter, however started leaving notes for me in my daughters school bag like “return this item of school uniform by the 20th of august” and it was her writing 😂.

i think you will get to a place where each time you will be consistently unbothered, next time you just have to think “thank fuck I’m out of that relationship and now he’s her problem” she’s got a relationship based on trust issues which will be horrific

Counselling will help I was just about to suggest that.

And also, they are being awful and nasty. It's natural to feel stressed seeing them don't think there's something wrong with you

• anyone else would feel exactly the same. Those nasty people deserve each other.

Yes!! Do this. I've done this with my ex and he definitely looks like his feathers have been ruffled when he sees me looking happy and great and going off to socialize

Fuck them both! Next time, make sure you look great and look ready to go out.
Open the door, hug your child, give your DC the biggest smile, nod to the EH.
Then go out somewhere even if it is just for a coffee.

It is not about self-esteem, they have both had a go at ruining your life but don't let them. Seize the power back.

@Watchkeys
I think you will find that the OP did walk away from the abuse as she herself says:
"i chose to kick his arse down the path and within a matter of weeks he moved in with her."
She's not "sticking around for abuse", she has to try to co-parent with an arsehole who treated her badly and continues to do so. And if you actually read her posts you would realise that she is maintaining some kind of contact with a vile man for the sake of her child, not because she has low self esteem.

And when I said "you should feel relieved" I obviously wasn't telling the OP how to feel, that's just you being silly with semantics.

Thanks so much for the advice, plan B it is!

I just wanted to say that I know how hard this is. My ex ran off with a much older woman who looked like his nanna. To have her behave how she did was quite astonishing really. In time I realised that she was in fact a very unwell person with a severe personality disorder. "Your" OW is clearly wracked with insecurity and knows she was never first choice. Make sure you hold your head up high and I hope that you get past this and find the happiness you truly deserve

I hope you denied his allegations by text because some people take anything less than denials as proof it happened

(Eg when my ex tried it)

"Can you not try and discuss our relationship infront of the children please im over you and its embarrassing when you humiliate yourself like this get some self respect I've moved on"

My reply, sorry wrong ex, and I would appreciate if you took protective measures around our children and didn't expose them to you exes like this walk away

Him "I meant you and what you said to me on the doorstep"

Me, I told you he has had his calpol and antibiotics he shouldn't need anything else but he has ibuprofen in his nappy bag im not sure how you misconstrued this? I will go back to a communications book just so we are clear moving forward

Him (rings several times) pick up we need to discuss this

Me, discuss? I'm busy right now and your with the children it's extremely inappropriate please enjoy your time with them

Him,(rings more) where are you? Pick up DS is seriously ill he might need the hospital!

Me, ok take him let me know what the Dr says

Him, I'm bringing them home you BETTER BE THERE WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND

me, back in ten

He returned the children (who were fine) less than an hour after he collected them as ever my neighbours were outside so he couldn't say anything he then contacted social services and reported me so I showed them the texts they were satisfied he was being a nut told him to stop wasting time

So do I ..do it! :)

LOVE THIS.