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Original poster

I've cancelled the wedding. Is it the right thing to do?

53 replies

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 08:53

Hey everyone,
Just looking for a bit if advice really.
i have been with my partner for 8 years and we have one child together and i have one from my previous relationship before.
We were due to get married in december but i have called it off (which i am incredibly upset about) because on his stag do he decided to grope another girl and take drugs. i have also just found out he had taken drugs before and decided to drive home to me and the kids while on them. it feels like i dont even know him anymore. He tried to hide this all but didnt hide him groping another girl on stag do because he felr guilty about it. I dont know what to do. i feel embarrised cancelling the wedding and losing all that money, but i cannot go through with marriage knowing that he has hiddeb things and done that. Apparntly im overreacting etc. Im just looking for some advice.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:56

Doesn't sound like the relationship has a future;I think the only reason to still marry him now would be for financial security for you and DC. Is this a factor?

Hillrunning · 09/10/2023 08:57

You have done the right thing. I know if will feel hard at first but you don't want to share your life with the true version of this guy. Stay strong.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/10/2023 08:58

Who told you that you're overreacting, ex?

The thing is, how you're reacting is YOUR reaction. No-one else's. It belongs to you and you're perfectly entitled to have it. You've drawn a line and said 'Nope. Not marrying someone who does drugs, drug drives with our children in the car and gropes other women even if it does mean the embarrassment of cancelling the wedding and losing money. And who hides things from me then tells me I'm overreacting.'

It's a perfectly sensible reaction, IMO.

TwilightSkies · 09/10/2023 08:59

You have 100% done the right thing. Other people’s opinions don’t matter.

PickledPurplePickle · 09/10/2023 09:00

Well done - you have done the right thing x

Slavica · 09/10/2023 09:00

I don't know, @willow1995 . If I were to cancel the wedding, I would also leave him. Canceling the wedding but remaining with him doesn't solve the problems you have. Also, not marrying him gives you fewer rights in case of a split than if he were your husband.
If you don't want to marry him, don't. But the fact that you have a child together means you have to work something out (can't have a clean break now). Sorry this happened, it's terrible behavior on his part.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/10/2023 09:00

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:56

Doesn't sound like the relationship has a future;I think the only reason to still marry him now would be for financial security for you and DC. Is this a factor?

Marry a drug taking sleaze for 'financial security'? really? what financial security with a father who uses drugs? what about their emotional security with a father who lies to their mother and minimises her feelings? their physical security with a father who drug drives?

Bloody hell, some people's bar for relationships and male behaviour is so low they couldn't limbo under it.

MariaVT65 · 09/10/2023 09:02

That would be grounds for me leaving him without question, and he would not have access to my child while on drugs.

I’d say it depends on whether you think he has the willingness to go on a programme to stop taking drugs, but it sounds like he doesn’t.

Inkpotlover · 09/10/2023 09:03

Slavica · 09/10/2023 09:00

I don't know, @willow1995 . If I were to cancel the wedding, I would also leave him. Canceling the wedding but remaining with him doesn't solve the problems you have. Also, not marrying him gives you fewer rights in case of a split than if he were your husband.
If you don't want to marry him, don't. But the fact that you have a child together means you have to work something out (can't have a clean break now). Sorry this happened, it's terrible behavior on his part.

I agree with this. Technically the wedding is just a day – but what about the relationship? If this is such a deal breaker for you, surely you need to walk away entirely?

LongBoi · 09/10/2023 09:06

Cancelling the wedding is going to be much cheaper than getting a divorce down the line.

But you also need to break up with him. If you don't want to be with him forever, how long do you think you want to be with him? A year? Three years? Until he crashes his car while he's off his face?

CoreopsisEverywhere · 09/10/2023 09:24

without a shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing.

Foxblue · 09/10/2023 09:29

You are allowed to call off a wedding, leave a relationship etc for ANY reason.
You have absolutely done the right thing, because it doesn't matter whether other people think you 'should get over it' - it's not their relationship, they are more than welcome to put up with that behaviour in their relationships, just as you are allowed to say that certain things are unacceptable in yours.
Your child is MUCH better off with you as a happy single parent than they are with two parents together unhappily, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

GingerIsBest · 09/10/2023 09:36

I assume you've ALSO ended the relationship? I don't think there's any point in cancelling the wedding but maintaining the relationship.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset about both the groping (and quite honestly - was it really just "groping"? And what exactly is "groping"? It's not normally a term I associate with consensual sexual activity so is he also a sexual predator). It's also reasonable to be upset that he's been using drugs and lying about it, and driving while doing it.

Lots of people will tell you that you are over reacting. Him. Possibly your family. Definitely his family. But that's because standards for men are ridiculously low and women are expected to just suck things up.

MrsMarzetti · 09/10/2023 09:52

Well done for doing the right thing. If anyone asks why, tell them the truth.

direbollockal · 09/10/2023 10:09

Who's the higher earner?

If it's you, then you need to end the relationship entirely while you're not married. If it's him, you'd be better off marrying him (quietly - no big performance) and then divorcing him, as you have a child together.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/10/2023 10:13

Marriage isn't just one day, it's not a party. It's a legally binding contract........and I would not be legally binding myself to this idiot. And you shouldn't either.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/10/2023 10:13

As other posters have said, you have also left him haven’t you? If not, not much sense cancelling the wedding and being financially vulnerable if you are going to remain in a relationship with this man.

Brocollimatilda · 09/10/2023 10:13

I’m sorry OP. I certainly wouldn’t be marrying him right now. Sadly there is probably a while lot more you don’t know about. The groping on a stag do (if it was ‘just’ groping) is one thing, but I suspect his drug use is worse than you know and that would be a deal breaker for me.

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 10:16

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/10/2023 09:00

Marry a drug taking sleaze for 'financial security'? really? what financial security with a father who uses drugs? what about their emotional security with a father who lies to their mother and minimises her feelings? their physical security with a father who drug drives?

Bloody hell, some people's bar for relationships and male behaviour is so low they couldn't limbo under it.

Edited
Show quote history

Not at all - where did I say OP should accept this vile behaviour? With only 2 months to go, I'd rather get married then end things, as @direbollockal has also said. This site is full of women who are in terrible situations because they've had children outside marriage, compromised their earning ability to look after them, the relationship hasn't worked out and now they're broke and struggling. If you're married when you split, you are in a much better position legally and financially.

TemporarilyshyAF · 09/10/2023 10:22

Who's said you're overreacting? I hope not him. It's a normal reaction not to want to marry a drug user who gropes women. Don't be told you aren't entitled to your reaction. Its valid.

What are next steps and where does this leave you? Relationship? House? Income? Can you make a clean break?

mummymeister · 09/10/2023 10:24

Everyone of us has red lines. things we wont accept are crossed. you have yours and he has crossed it. whether anyone thinks you should have called this off or not is completely irrelevant because its what is important to you that is the issue. My DH knows that drugs are a huge red line for me, as is drinking and driving as is lying about anything. If he groped someone whilst drunk, admitted it and was genuinely sorry, I would accept this as a one off but he would know it was a one off never to be repeated. for me, its not the drugs or the groping thats the real issue here its the lies. I just cannot abide any form of lying, You have done whats right for you and you need to stick to it and not be won back with the inevitable tearful apologies. how can you have been with him all this time and not known about his drug use?

Bookworm20 · 09/10/2023 10:30

Has he told you you are over reacting?
I think you've certainly done the right thing. and are definitely NOT over reacting.
Why on earth would you want to be with, let alone marry, a drug taking, drug driving cheat?

A man who can go out and celebrate the most important upcoming event of his life by groping other women and taking drugs, is hardly a catch.

I mean nothing says 'I love and respect you and want to spend the rest of my life with you' more than feeling up another woman does it?

DustyLee123 · 09/10/2023 10:32

Well done for taking a stand and protecting your kids. He needs to go.

booksandbeans · 09/10/2023 10:36

Apparntly im overreacting etc

who said that? Your ex fiancée who took drugs, dropped a girl? He would say that wouldn’t he-men are utterly incapable at times or taking responsibility for their actions & either downplay it so you are at fault or just lie about it.

consider cancelling the wedding as dodging a bullet.

Docke · 09/10/2023 10:38

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:56

Doesn't sound like the relationship has a future;I think the only reason to still marry him now would be for financial security for you and DC. Is this a factor?

My friend went through with the wedding.

11 months later, she left him after he stole from her to buy drugs for the hundredth time.

10 years later, she’s finally getting back on her feet financially. The amount of debt he ran up and left her lumbered with was immense.

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