Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I've cancelled the wedding. Is it the right thing to do?

53 replies

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 08:53

Hey everyone,
Just looking for a bit if advice really.
i have been with my partner for 8 years and we have one child together and i have one from my previous relationship before.
We were due to get married in december but i have called it off (which i am incredibly upset about) because on his stag do he decided to grope another girl and take drugs. i have also just found out he had taken drugs before and decided to drive home to me and the kids while on them. it feels like i dont even know him anymore. He tried to hide this all but didnt hide him groping another girl on stag do because he felr guilty about it. I dont know what to do. i feel embarrised cancelling the wedding and losing all that money, but i cannot go through with marriage knowing that he has hiddeb things and done that. Apparntly im overreacting etc. Im just looking for some advice.

OP posts:

Jazzandblues · 09/10/2023 10:49

You doing the right thing op. Focus on yourself and the children.

ElleCapitaine · 09/10/2023 10:51

The vast majority of women wouldn’t want to marry a sleazy druggy who thinks it’s ok to put his kids’ life’s at risk. You deserve better. He’s not a good man and he’ll not make you happy.

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 10:53

Docke · 09/10/2023 10:38

My friend went through with the wedding.

11 months later, she left him after he stole from her to buy drugs for the hundredth time.

10 years later, she’s finally getting back on her feet financially. The amount of debt he ran up and left her lumbered with was immense.

Show quote history

Again, that's not what I was suggesting - never said the OP should forgive/accept her fiance's behaviour, just get the legal security for her DC THEN bin him.

With the greatest respect, your friend sounds like a fool.

Original poster

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 10:55

Hes only done it a few times. What hurts the most is hiding it from me until i eventually managed to get it out of him, and the fact that he groped another woman's breast while on his stag do, which he should have been celebrating getting married to me. i have cancelled the wedding, but not sure who to call to cancel everything. i just dont know if i can get past this.

OP posts:

StarDolphins · 09/10/2023 10:55

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:56

Doesn't sound like the relationship has a future;I think the only reason to still marry him now would be for financial security for you and DC. Is this a factor?

Are you suggesting op should stay with a drug taking perv just for the money?

Op you’ve done the right thing 100%. I would also end the relationship.

Blough · 09/10/2023 11:03

What do you mean ‘get past this’? Are you going to keep him on as a boyfriend? Did he molest the woman? If the woman didn’t consent to him groping her boob, he’s a sex offender. No druggie should be inflicted on your kids.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 09/10/2023 11:15

You have done the right thing. I see a few possibilities ahead 1. he will reassess his lifestyle and make attemps to clean up (I think a bit of counselling might help him) 2. If he is not prepared to change you will be better off without him in the long run 3. He will make you feel incredibly stupid and guilty and you accept him how he is (which in my opinion, would be a big mistake).

Olika · 09/10/2023 11:21

Right thing to do cancelling the wedding and please break up with him.

Thebigblueballoon · 09/10/2023 11:27

Urgh. Who are these men who think a stag do is a free pass to behave like a sleazy perv!?
When you say drugs, I’m guessing you aren’t talking about the occasional joint either?
It’s horrible to lose the money OP, but consider this an arsehole tax for finding out what kind of man he is before you legally shackle yourself to him. If he can behave like that and he has no issue hiding drugs from you - not to mention interacting with your kids when he’s under the influence- things could only get worse as time goes on.
Like others have said, what steps are you taking to leave him?

Bookworm20 · 09/10/2023 11:36

Hes only done it a few times.

Let me guess, those are times you know about.
This is very very unlikely to be a rare occurrence.
Its quite the coincidence when men get caught the 'very first time' anything has ever happened.
Along with it being a 'drunken mistake'. Even though they've been drunk plenty of times before and managed to not feel up or let their dick slip into another woman. I fear though the one off drunken mistake is more likely to be a one off 'you finding out about it this time' mistake.

You don't need to get past anything op. Take your time and decide how you feel about everything and whether you deserve better than all that.

He'll likely be begging you, telling you it won't happen again, but I bet if you stick to your guns he'll start getting angry that you just are not getting over it quick enough for him.

Unfortunately someone who takes drugs and feels up other women on nights out has pretty low morals that are very unlikely to change. He'll just hide it all better next time.

Bature · 09/10/2023 11:43

When you say he groped another woman, what happened exactly?

Unpopular opinion on MN, but, no. I wouldn’t blow up my life because DH did a line and had a (consensual) feel of another woman’s boob on his stag. I would be astonished if it got back to me, but I wouldn’t particularly care.

However, you clearly do care and you’re entitled to that. Your reaction is appropriate if you feel it is. You shouldn’t marry him if you feel like this.

Sorry you’re dealing with all this.

ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 11:46

If this is where he sets the bar prior to marriage it's only going to go downhill from here. I'm sorry you're going through this but you have absolutely made the right decision. Back yourself and in time you'll find someone who wants you, and only you. The drugs thing is worrying and a slippery slope as well - he doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. You can do much better than this.

ErinAndTonic · 09/10/2023 11:47

Please tell me you're not going to continue the relationship with this bastard?

I think that's giving the message that he can do what he wants as long as he apologises for it after. And he will do it again.

plumtreebroke · 09/10/2023 12:32

Man gets drunk and does something stupid probably being egged on by his equally drunk friends. I had assumed it was much worse. What drugs has he taken 'only a couple of times'? Weed or Heroin it would make a big difference to me, Heroin or other hard drugs would be a deal breaker. Weed only a couple of times not. If he's otherwise been a good bloke I would give it a few days to calm down before doing something you may regret. No one's perfect and we all do things we regret.

direbollockal · 09/10/2023 12:36

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/10/2023 10:13

Marriage isn't just one day, it's not a party. It's a legally binding contract........and I would not be legally binding myself to this idiot. And you shouldn't either.

As I said in my post, it depends on who's the higher earner, who owns their house, who pays the bills etc. If he is, I would be legally binding myself to him like a shot (then taking the money and divorcing him). If the OP is, then there's no reason to stay with him for a single second longer.

Original poster

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 12:52

cocaine.

OP posts:

Jk987 · 09/10/2023 12:56

TheOccupier · 09/10/2023 08:56

Doesn't sound like the relationship has a future;I think the only reason to still marry him now would be for financial security for you and DC. Is this a factor?

Unless OP has more assets in which case marriage would lead to financial doom.

mummymeister · 09/10/2023 12:56

so, not smoking a couple of joints then! something actually serious. you cant get past this and neither should you have to. this should be the end of your relationship otherwise whats the point? are you waiting for him to clear out your savings to spend on drugs? or maybe to drive your children when he is high? of course you know how to cancel this wedding. you knew how to book it. just go to each supplier in turn and cancel. look at the contract for each so you know what you have to pay. assume then you didnt take out wedding insurance?

You want to forgive him, thats obvious and clearly think that by just postponing the wedding he is magically going to become someone he isnt.

You have red lines he crossed them thats it. otherwise they are just empty threats.

UngratefulOldCabbage · 09/10/2023 13:24

Well done OP, that's the first step done. Now cancel the whole relationship with this loser of a man and sail off to a happier life without him. You can do it! You're halfway there x

Highandlows · 09/10/2023 13:59

Yes, he is not marriage material. Liar and gross behaviour. I would do the same and never look back. Glad you have some self respect.

May be get a friend to help you with cancelling everything. Take some time for yourself and never look back.

Brocollimatilda · 09/10/2023 14:15

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 12:52

cocaine.

I have a lot of (good/close) friends who take cocaine. People I like a lot.

I would not be in a serious relationship with someone who did - unless it was in their very, very distant past. I certainly wouldn't be marrying them. That's just me & my red lines & no-one would persuade me otherwise.

vonryanstricycle · 09/10/2023 14:19

OP yes, you can get past this.

And yes you can go on to a better life without this man who is no more than an irresponsible playboy.

As for cancelling the wedding just contact whoever it is booked with an say it isn't taking place.

I am sorry it hasn't worked out for you, but you deserve 100x better than this.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/10/2023 14:53

Secret drug use (you can bet your arse he does it a lot, he’s just dropping you info) and he groped a woman’s breast/assaulted her on his stag.

No, you’re not ‘overreacting’. He sounds fucking disgusting. And worse, he’s criticising you for not having standards in the gutter and accepting his truly shit behaviour.

Original poster

willow1995 · 09/10/2023 15:04

thank you to all your replies. i wanted to make sure that i wasnt overreacting, because i dont think that i am. im still in shock to be honest, and my mind is all over the place.

OP posts:

LongBoi · 09/10/2023 15:30

Did you have a maid of honour/chief bridesmaid? Get her to help you with cancelling everything - and don't be surprised if a few more 'he told me it was just a one-off so I didn't say anything' stories about your DP emerge now your friends know you know about the stag night.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread