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Original poster

Are my husbands fantasies about me being with someone else normal!?!

63 replies

Marshmellow1 · 08/10/2023 12:10

I think no, I think a bit of ‘dirty’ talk here and there is fine but this didn’t sit right with me. My husband claims to have sex anxiety, performance anxiety and doesn’t want to disappoint me… so his solution to that is not to have sex with me. We have sex 3 times a year at most I’d say. I’m 34, we have 1 daughter who’s in bed at 7 every night, it’s not being a parent, times , tiredness etc that’s the issue. When we did have sex he would only be turned on when talking about watching me with other men… otherwise not interested. I’ve caught him on swingers websites which he says was all fantasy and not something he would act on. He did however upload photos of himself, head down, exposed..! He was engaging in conversations with other men. He wouldn’t let me read them and said he felt shameful but said he was discussing with them what he wants them to do to me. I came across this by chance and when I did I confronted him about the site and said I was disgusted by it. Before this I entertained the odd bit of dirty talk as he seemed to like it but I think there is an issue here, a bigger issue than I thought. Since our blowout about me finding it discussing and confronting him, he basically just doesn’t have sex with me. Was I harsh? I did say it was weird and disgusting, I’m not an object. I worry too what if he shared photos of me. What would you do if this was your husband? Do your husbands have any fantasies? Is it normal?

OP posts:

Didimum · 08/10/2023 12:18

Honestly? I would likely leave my husband over this. Cuckolding and swinging are completely fine, if both of you are on board, well-informed and respectful of each other. Him bringing ideas this into your marriage and discussing you online without your consent is not right.

Epidote · 08/10/2023 12:21

No, I don't think is normal, at least it doesn't fit in my normality standard.

AutumnAuntie · 08/10/2023 12:24

It sounds like a fetish and he can’t get enjoy sex without this element. It doesn’t matter if it’s normal it’s about whether you feel comfortable doing it.

HappyMe6 · 08/10/2023 12:27

No, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster

Marshmellow1 · 08/10/2023 12:29

This happened a few years back but since then our sex life is pretty much non existent. Part of me wonders if he has this other life, that I can’t trust him. Apart from that he’s perfect, everything else is great, he’s also a great dad and I like our family life. The fantasies and sex issues are a big problem though. Ok yes he says he’s not on the sites anymore, he might not be but that doesn’t mean that isn’t a turn on for him and what he likes. Because I’m not giving him what he likes, I feel like that’s why we don’t have sex. I think he’s disgusted with himself to be honest and embarrassed. Can therapy help un do this or am I trying to sugar cost something that is just part of who he is? I don’t like it at all, I feel like I’m mourning the version of my husband I knew before all of this to be honest. The nice guy, the one I felt connected to, safe with and loved. To think he would talk about me to other men is disturbing to me, it’s not something I get or understand. I’ve been with 7 men before meeting my now husband, always had a good sex life but never ever have any of them had a fantasy like this?

OP posts:

beatrix1234 · 08/10/2023 12:30

He doesn’t see you as a sex partner anymore, more like a nanny, mom of his child, family partner and flat mate. He’s getting his sexual needs met elsewhere, defo not at home. Your husband has issues (and a bit of a Madonna/whore complex going on).

beatrix1234 · 08/10/2023 12:31

…And a strong cuckholding fetish. It’s more common than you think. He’s feeling you’re shaming him for it (which you probably are) hence the reason he’s sexually “clamped up” and getting his needs nets someplace else. Sexual incompatibility.

Luciansmum6 · 08/10/2023 12:34

Weirdly a lot of my partners I’d say almost all of them have fantasised about me being with some one else I think it’s common many just don’t like to admit it. The problem is the not having sex at all but that’s not normal and you should see a sex counsellor. Focus on the performance anxiety and be sympathetic

loislovesstewie · 08/10/2023 12:39

The problem isn't the fantasy in that if he kept the idea to himself and maybe just fantasized, in his own head, when you were having sex. It's that he has to tell you and not have sex with you at all.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 08/10/2023 12:50

Did you ever see that episode of Open House on C4? There was a guy exactly like this - he enjoyed and found pleasure seeing/hearing about his partner with other men. I'm with you OP, I also find the thought disgusting and wouldn't want to feel objectified in that way by my husband. I also think he's lying about not wanting to act on this... if you were game, I think he'd love that. It's obviously normal for people to have kinks/fantasies but I personally wouldn't be accepting of this is my relationship and both of you really need to be on board. If you find the thought unappealing/uncomfortable, then you need to decide what's best for you as I don't think your DH will be able to put this to rest.

Catsafterme · 08/10/2023 12:53

No, I wouldn't say that is normal. I mean, I personally couldn't do that but I get there's other guys who are into cuckolding and some couples do, I assume because they are both open to that. However, what he's doing here is actually partly acting on his fantasies by engaging with other men and discussing you, like you are some sex object, without your consent or any discussion.

Honestly, I don't think this is right myself and again I know different people have varying amounts of sex but I think that's a very low amount to be okay with at that age. I'm not that much older but I wouldn't be okay with that myself or expect a woman to be either.

The likelihood is he doesn't have sex anxiety it's because he's into cuckolding and that's what makes him aroused and nothing else will. If he happens to watch porn, you'll likely find that's what he's watching too, which will confirm in my mind.

TedMullins · 08/10/2023 13:07

The problem here is the fact you don’t have sex, and that he’s been on these websites behind your back. Whether it’s ‘normal’ is the wrong question, that’s neither here nor there. I don’t think it’s abnormal or wrong or disgusting, seeing you with someone else is a pretty tame fantasy in the grand scheme of things - the problems here are that YOU don’t like it and that rather than discuss the issues with your sex life and his performance anxiety he goes on swinging sites behind your back.

beatrix1234 · 08/10/2023 13:37

TedMullins · 08/10/2023 13:07

Isn’t that what half of married people do? “Let’s sweep the issues under the rug so we don’t rock the boat” or a more updated version of the same thing “let me open a thread on mumsnet and tell my problem to a bunch of strangers instead of sitting with my partner and keeping it real”.

WhamBamThankU · 08/10/2023 13:44

Don't entertain it. I had 12 years of it till he could only finish if I spoke about myself with other men. It was vile, degrading and a proper turn off.

Butterdoesntmelt · 08/10/2023 13:50

It's not an unusual fetish or fantasy to have but it has to turn you on as well. I had a partner who fantasised about me with someone else but it turned me on as well so we went on fab swingers and talked to other men together.

It sounds like there are some psychological issues surrounding it that your husband really needs to address. How easy would it be to approach this with him at this stage? A good sex therapist could really help him but getting him to overcome the shame it sounds like has overtaken him will be a massive hurdle.

Steev · 08/10/2023 17:20

If you didn't see the messages with the other men, could he be gay?

Zerrin13 · 08/10/2023 17:49

I'm going to throw this completely open and suggest he is gay. He has no interest in you sexually. Not with him or anyone else. I would bet my house on it. This is all a rouse, a distraction from his homosexuality.

Loubelle70 · 08/10/2023 17:55

Did you see the conversations accompanying the photos he sent when talking to other men? Have you thought he might not be into seeing you with other men but that he just wants to see men?

Loubelle70 · 08/10/2023 17:56

Zerrin13 · 08/10/2023 17:49

Yes

GilberMarkham · 08/10/2023 18:59

Yeah,he might be gay or bi and this is just a bit of a smoke screen.

If he's truly hetero (hmm) and is mad into cuckolding .... No, I don't think it's normal. It happens certainly, some men are like that, but not normal per se. Noone I've ever had a relationship with was into cuckolding, in fact they'd have found the idea nightmarish.

Personally I'd also find it impossible to fancy and love a cuckold fetishist. I don't want a man who gets off on being inferior to/ humiliated by/dominated by/sharing with other men.
It's just not attractive or sexy to me.
Same with things like pegging or any submissiveness or any cross dressing etc. Just ... Boak. Opposite of sexy or attractive.

GilberMarkham · 08/10/2023 19:07

so his solution to that is not to have sex with me. We have sex 3 times a year at most I’d say. I’m 34, we have 1 daughter who’s in bed at 7 every night, it’s not being a parent, times , tiredness etc that’s the issue

Great that his solution has not involved getting any help.

We are you supposed to be ok with not having a sex life, and at only 34?
Does he think, because you've got a DD and are married, that he can just do that and you'll have to just lump it?

Sounds like it.

He's made no effort to resolve it.

He's happy to not have sex and when you do the whole thing is a cuckold scenario..... Which you don't even sound into.

He's either gay or a severe cuckhold fetishist by the sounds of it.

That's not good sexual partner material or good partner material.

GilberMarkham · 08/10/2023 19:09

I’ve caught him on swingers websites which he says was all fantasy and not something he would act on. He did however upload photos of himself, head down, exposed..! He was engaging in conversations with other men.

He sounds gay

And you mention that quite incidentally but many people would consider him to have cheated on you/be cheating on you ... Signing up to sex sites, uploading nude photos and interacting with others. At best it's hardly appropriate behaviour in a monogamous relationship without your partner's awareness or agreement, is it? It's a form of cheating.

GilberMarkham · 08/10/2023 19:12

He wouldn’t let me read them and said he felt shameful but said he was discussing with them what he wants them to do to me

Or maybe he was discussing what they'd do to him .... And that's why he wouldn't let you read it.

GilberMarkham · 08/10/2023 19:15

Anyway, even if he was discussing with them what they'd be doing to you ..... He didn't have your awareness or permission or agreement to be on that site, "virtual pimping" you and making you a prop in his sexting with other people without your agreement.... The disrespect. He's a creepy little bastard.

And pretty fucking useless to a heterosexual woman who would like, gasp, a sex life ... And one that doesn't involve a fetish.

obje · 08/10/2023 19:16

Maybe I'm being daft.....if he's interested in hearing/watching you having sex with other men, at what point does a dock pic from him become relevant? Why would a straight man be interested in that.

I wouldn't be convinced he'd only been discussing what's he's told you he has

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