Are my husbands fantasies about me being with someone else normal!?!

[Marshmellow1]

I think no, I think a bit of ‘dirty’ talk here and there is fine but this didn’t sit right with me. My husband claims to have sex anxiety, performance anxiety and doesn’t want to disappoint me… so his solution to that is not to have sex with me. We have sex 3 times a year at most I’d say. I’m 34, we have 1 daughter who’s in bed at 7 every night, it’s not being a parent, times , tiredness etc that’s the issue. When we did have sex he would only be turned on when talking about watching me with other men… otherwise not interested. I’ve caught him on swingers websites which he says was all fantasy and not something he would act on. He did however upload photos of himself, head down, exposed..! He was engaging in conversations with other men. He wouldn’t let me read them and said he felt shameful but said he was discussing with them what he wants them to do to me. I came across this by chance and when I did I confronted him about the site and said I was disgusted by it. Before this I entertained the odd bit of dirty talk as he seemed to like it but I think there is an issue here, a bigger issue than I thought. Since our blowout about me finding it discussing and confronting him, he basically just doesn’t have sex with me. Was I harsh? I did say it was weird and disgusting, I’m not an object. I worry too what if he shared photos of me. What would you do if this was your husband? Do your husbands have any fantasies? Is it normal?

Yeah, that's a good point - a hetero man interested in being a bull to a couple, would surely be interested in only pics of the woman.

I worry too what if he shared photos of me.
why are you with someone who you trust so little?

Yep.
Hes curious or gay

Personally, I wouldn't want another man's cock inside my wife, no.

Op I could off written this word for word my partner is exactly the same I might be old fashioned but I don't like dirty talk it makes me uncomfortable so I get everything you're saying

The basic fantasy of wanting to see your partner with another man is not very unusual for men. Look up 'stag/vixen' or 'cuckhold' - two different dynamics both resulting in men's partners having sex with others.

The problem here is twofold:

1. Sounds like it's not just a fantasy but a compulsion to the point that 'normal sex can't happen'
2. He's absolutely betraying your trust and stamping all over your boundaries by participating in sex sites and discussing you online

No, I don't think therapy would take away the fantasy for him, but it may allow you to talk to each other about how you feel in a way that helps to reduce Shame and helps you decide together what to do.

But frankly, he hasn't earned your understanding on this - he's betrayed your trust. You have every right to be angry, even if he has only done what he admits to. I think you need to deal with that first.

This!!

OMG call me old fashioned but this gives me the creeps.
I could feel my knees clamping together just reading it.

I could not be with a man like this. You don’t have to accept this op, if it was me he would have been out the door already. This is my first LTB sorry

This was my thought. He posted a photo of himself and was talking to other men, if he was talking to them about you, then surely he’d have posted your photo?

You were not harsh at all. This would be a deal breaker for me. He should have communicated with you rather than telling strangers what he wants them to do. Complete violation and as you say, you are not an object.

could he be gay?

Yeah, pictures of himself is odd. As others said he could be talking to other men and it's a cover up. Another possibility, may be a bit out there, what if he's sharing pictures of himself to men looking to cuckold their partners, where he's the other guy.

He's most likely gay and the rest is a smoke screen. The fact you have no sex life and that he's talking to other men indicates this is likely, especially if he's sharing pics of himself. It sounds a miserable situation OP, you are unhappy and sexually incompatible. l'd be asking him to leave.

Wouldnt get me staying it's not normal and I would want a proper full relationship

Possibly gay as other have said.
I personally think that he would have tried to escalate the fantasy with your involvement if that was really his fetish.

What would you do if this was your husband?

I'd leave him. He doesn't want to be intimate with you. Are you happy to go without sex for the rest of your life?

It would be an absolute tragedy if you waste your youth on this man. Your marriage is a sham.

Porn soaked dickhead, bleurgh. I'm so glad I have no interest in sex anymore.

@Marshmellow1 massive squishes.

id suggest counselling together if possible to start communication again in a healthy way and see if there is any way to move on together and reconnect.

I had an ex that what into cuckolding but it just wasn’t a life for me and I broke it off as we didn’t have a sex life beyond his talk of his fantasies etc.

Since we first started dating my husband has asked me to get plastic surgery, breast augmentation, I am size B. It bother me a lot because he doesn’t even have the money to pay for my surgery so I find that comment out of place when he can’t afford it. And even if he does I stand my ground and told him straight up that I don’t want to have anything done to my body. He’s from Brazil and he said that everyone there wants to do it so he thought I’ve wanted to do it as well. I am American so I don’t find it too common here. Anyways, for this whole time we been together 2 years now and married. He puts a lot of pressure on me to workout to look good for him and be like shredded. But I am very slim and I only workout for my health not for looks. I also find it disappointing that he asks me to get shredded and muscular when he doesn’t workout himself all he does is steroids with testosterone and I caught him because he was hiding that from me all along. He mostly only plays tennis as his form of exercise so I knew he was putting something in his body because he looks big and no one gets big from tennis lol. My point is that he wants to change my looks. But he started this new fantasy/fetish like 4 months ago that he would like to pimp me or share me with other men. When we are having sex he asks me prices how much would I charge him or someone for a BJ or 30 mins just with me. He records me a lot while we are having sex and makes me say names from other guys at times. He has made me flirt with other guys online too and to ask them for money to be with me. I did it twice and after that I told him I can’t anymore because I find it inappropriate in our marriage. He says it’s all just a game a fantasy. But I am worried he will take it to another level and post my videos or send my videos to other men in exchange of money. I am wondering if it’s really just a fantasy or a business to him. And that is why he may want me to actually look like a prostitute with fake boobs and shredded body. Is anyone in like a similar situation like me ?

He has no respect for you. You don't turn him on. He can't trust he hasn't put images of you online without your consent. He gives you no sexual pleasure. He sounds absolutely vile. I'd bin him off and lose k for a normal man without these fetishes.

It could be a number of things. He could be in the closet and getting turned on by talking about his sexual fantasies with men. He could have a porn addiction and unable to have sex, irl, he might have a serious fetish (cuckold) and unable to have sex without that included. Either way, your sex life doesn't look good.