Are my husbands fantasies about me being with someone else normal!?!

[Marshmellow1]

I think no, I think a bit of ‘dirty’ talk here and there is fine but this didn’t sit right with me. My husband claims to have sex anxiety, performance anxiety and doesn’t want to disappoint me… so his solution to that is not to have sex with me. We have sex 3 times a year at most I’d say. I’m 34, we have 1 daughter who’s in bed at 7 every night, it’s not being a parent, times , tiredness etc that’s the issue. When we did have sex he would only be turned on when talking about watching me with other men… otherwise not interested. I’ve caught him on swingers websites which he says was all fantasy and not something he would act on. He did however upload photos of himself, head down, exposed..! He was engaging in conversations with other men. He wouldn’t let me read them and said he felt shameful but said he was discussing with them what he wants them to do to me. I came across this by chance and when I did I confronted him about the site and said I was disgusted by it. Before this I entertained the odd bit of dirty talk as he seemed to like it but I think there is an issue here, a bigger issue than I thought. Since our blowout about me finding it discussing and confronting him, he basically just doesn’t have sex with me. Was I harsh? I did say it was weird and disgusting, I’m not an object. I worry too what if he shared photos of me. What would you do if this was your husband? Do your husbands have any fantasies? Is it normal?

extra mental sex at work

Sounds intriguing.

@Brianterri no way is it 89.2%.

And out of those who may have had a fantasy about it at one point or another many of them want it to remain a fantasy only and would never want it to happen in real life.

And out of those who do try to bring their fantasy into their reality some go on to regret it.

Some weirdos on here.

OP do you want a sexless marriage?

If not, time to start planning to leave. This one’s a dud. Who cares why. He’s too far gone.

It's not hugely uncommon nor do I think it's particularly disgusting but if it's such a big part of his sexual needs that he can't have sex with you without it then he should have done you a favour and ended the relationship a long time ago.

The fact that your sex life as a couple is basically nonexistent as a result and he knows this is key for him is the part I would be furious about. If he'd been honest and said, this is a fetish for me and therefore it's something I need to be part of my sex life, you'd have been able to make an informed decision and break up if needed - clearly he's very embarrassed/anxious about it but that's not your problem and he's made it your problem.

Did anybody think about his performance anxiety? Maybe when he sees her with other men he imagines it's himself satisfying his wife and he loves his wife so much he'll do anything to see her getting satisfied over and over since he feels he can't satisfy her needs. He's so obsessed with the idea yet she responds negatively crushing his hopes and dreams.

Aw, bless him

She's allowed to respond negatively.
She's allowed to have negative feelings and feel disgusted if her husband treats her like she is an object.
Have you not stopped to think that maybe she found that crushing?