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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Miserly friends

60 replies

Mymugoftea · 07/10/2023 18:58

A friend, who has always been single, no dependents, house owned outright, well paid career and receiving a large final salary pension.

All in our friendship circle have noticed she never has offered and in fact finds an excuse to go home when others have already paid for drinks, snacks, coffee etc. She measures everything by monetary value, for example, she mentioned the time she picked her nephew up from an open air music do and said 'He was late coming to meet me, but there was still a band playing, so I got about half an hour of free listening'.

When offering her a drink in a coffee shop, although I offered to pay and did so, she said to the staff that she doesn't see the point in buying drinks as she can fill a flask and sit in the town gardens for free'.

She used to buy pasties from a very nice local bakery, but stopped and now buys from a chain which has opened in town as their mass produced pasties are all of 10p cheaper.

I guess we have all met 'em?

Whenever she sees the price of things I buy or look at in town, she says Quidland shops sell them cheaper or I could have saved 5p buying it online.

She often says it in front of strangers too, which is very embarrassing.

How have you handled situations like this?

OP posts:
Bowbobobo · 07/10/2023 19:09

In the end I’ve dumped any friend like this - their primary relationship is with money so they lack empathy with real humans, plus in the end they will find ways to take advantage to save a buck eg dump horrible dog on you for weeks rather than pay a house-sitter

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/10/2023 19:11

Yes I'd dump a friend for this. I hate people who are stingy.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:12

Well she's mean, but I'm not seeing the relevance of the fact she's single with no dependants, her career and her pension, unless you think she's got nothing else to spend her money on so what's she saving it for. Do you quietly expect that with all this money she should be paying for everyone?

Meanness is so dispiriting in someone, whoever it is. What other qualities does she have that you value?

2jacqi · 07/10/2023 19:13

so what is she bringing to the table??? you dont seem to say anything nice about her so she is obviously not really a cherished friend

Mymugoftea · 07/10/2023 19:16

Ooh! Sorry if it sounded wrong.

No, not that with all that money would I expect her to pay for all. I am in a good position myself and love treating friends.

She just seems OTT with her selfishness.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:16

Yes, you don't seem to like her at all and appear to have closely observed her behaviour.

SamW98 · 07/10/2023 19:17

Yes I had one like this who often got into rounds then slipped off before it was her turn.
Several times we’ve been and she’s forgotten her debit card and purse - and if anyone lends her money she has to be chased several times before she pays up.

There are a couple of older guys she always used to invite along when we went out - because she used them to buy her drinks. They were creepy and sleazy and we used to tell her not to invite them but she got really defensive.

Shes an ex friend now. Just a polite hi and keep it moving

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:19

Mymugoftea · 07/10/2023 19:16

Ooh! Sorry if it sounded wrong.

No, not that with all that money would I expect her to pay for all. I am in a good position myself and love treating friends.

She just seems OTT with her selfishness.

Perhaps she's scared of not having any money due to something in her past. Perhaps she doesn't want to spend money on snacks (although not paying your round is a heinous crime in my book). Perhaps she's just overly money focused. Why are you friends with her?

RaeHitsEbSire · 07/10/2023 19:20

"Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves". Clearly this is what your friend has done and has paid off her mortgage. Good for her. A better use of money than frittering it away on coffees and snacks.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/10/2023 19:23

The things that only impact her, none of my business.

Never taking her turn to pay, I'd stop seeing her. Careful is one thing, taking advantage of others' generosity is another.

Mymugoftea · 07/10/2023 19:25

I also remember at a free music charity event, one of the organisers announced that the turnout was superb and said all donations for charity would be greatly appreciated and even if everyone put just 20p in a bucket, the money raised would make such a difference. This friend said that as 20p was suggested, that is all she'd give. Also that she only tends to give to charities if she thinks she may need them in the future. 'I don't swim or sail, so don't give to sea rescue charities'.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2023 19:26

If you hadn’t mentioned her financial situation you’d have had everyone telling you she’s probably hard up. So you include it and get jumped on for doing so. You can’t win.

She sounds pretty joyless so I’d limit my time with her.

piintheski · 07/10/2023 19:28

I don't see how any of the things you describe make her selfish?

She is careful with money - she is quite right about the coffee! And she just sounds like she was enjoying the band!

Why are you pretending to be her friend when you are studying her so closely and being so critical? Poor woman deserves better friends than that

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/10/2023 19:28

You call her your friend but you seem to really, really dislike her. Why are you still hanging around with her if it bothers you so much?

MintJulia · 07/10/2023 19:29

At a guess, I suspect she grew up in absolute poverty and has never got over it, or come to terms with being more affluent.

Poverty in childhood leaves a very long shadow. She may not be able to help herself.

Not an easy friend to have, but don't be too quick to condemn.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:30

Why are you pretending to be her friend when you are studying her so closely and being so critical? Poor woman deserves better friends than that

yeah, this.

Watchkeys · 07/10/2023 19:30

She's allowed to be this way. You're allowed not to like it.

Don't hang around with people you don't like, and you'll have less to whinge about.

piintheski · 07/10/2023 19:31

Mymugoftea · 07/10/2023 19:25

I also remember at a free music charity event, one of the organisers announced that the turnout was superb and said all donations for charity would be greatly appreciated and even if everyone put just 20p in a bucket, the money raised would make such a difference. This friend said that as 20p was suggested, that is all she'd give. Also that she only tends to give to charities if she thinks she may need them in the future. 'I don't swim or sail, so don't give to sea rescue charities'.

You have absolutely no idea what she gives to charities, or which.

People don't wear the badges you know!

And most people give to the charities they feel a personal pull towards, not ones that they don't

I don't understand why you are so heavily invested in examining and critiquing someone like this, just leave her alone, you clearly have nothing good to say, but can't really find anything bad to say either

For someone so determined to say the worst things you can about someone, she is coming out of this a lot better than you are

Watchkeys · 07/10/2023 19:31

MintJulia · 07/10/2023 19:29

At a guess, I suspect she grew up in absolute poverty and has never got over it, or come to terms with being more affluent.

Poverty in childhood leaves a very long shadow. She may not be able to help herself.

Not an easy friend to have, but don't be too quick to condemn.

Why should she 'help herself' to be more like OP wants her to be? Can she not just be happy as she is, spending her own money the way she wants?

MariePaperRoses · 07/10/2023 19:34

The penny pinching is extreme.

Do you think m she may have hidden debt?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:34

*At a guess, I suspect she grew up in absolute poverty and has never got over it, or come to terms with being more affluent.

Poverty in childhood leaves a very long shadow. She may not be able to help herself*

DF died when we were kids. The first message we got from DM? 'there's no money any more.' We were petrified of breaking things or needing anything and making her dip into her resources. She had to contribute £ 10 a month to my grant (this was the early 1970s) and 30 years later she was still bringing that up. It casts a very, very long shadow - even now I have money I still worry about 'what if I lose it all?' and perhaps that's what's driven OP's friend to make sure she's financially secure.

And I didn't 'jump on' the OP, to whoever said that. I questioned the relevance of some of the info.

BlueYonder57 · 07/10/2023 19:38

It continues to astound me why so many people here hate their friends. OP, you aren't much of a friend, so perhaps she won't miss a judgemental person in her life?

Wherearemymarbles · 07/10/2023 19:43

OP presumably no one offers to buy her stuff anymore?
If they do more fool them.

griegwithhimandhim · 07/10/2023 19:52

She sounds a bit like what my late DM would have described as a "Pull up the ladder Jack, I'm all right" person.

Mind you, with her parsimonious approach to finances, no wonder she's mortgage free.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/10/2023 19:55

Mind you, with her parsimonious approach to finances, no wonder she's mortgage free

Perhaps along with the pension that was her plan.

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