Miserly friends

[Mymugoftea]

A friend, who has always been single, no dependents, house owned outright, well paid career and receiving a large final salary pension.

All in our friendship circle have noticed she never has offered and in fact finds an excuse to go home when others have already paid for drinks, snacks, coffee etc. She measures everything by monetary value, for example, she mentioned the time she picked her nephew up from an open air music do and said 'He was late coming to meet me, but there was still a band playing, so I got about half an hour of free listening'.

When offering her a drink in a coffee shop, although I offered to pay and did so, she said to the staff that she doesn't see the point in buying drinks as she can fill a flask and sit in the town gardens for free'.

She used to buy pasties from a very nice local bakery, but stopped and now buys from a chain which has opened in town as their mass produced pasties are all of 10p cheaper.

I guess we have all met 'em?

Whenever she sees the price of things I buy or look at in town, she says Quidland shops sell them cheaper or I could have saved 5p buying it online.

She often says it in front of strangers too, which is very embarrassing.

How have you handled situations like this?

It’s no wonder the OP has analysed her behaviour because this clearly comes up every time they meet!

If someone wants to keep a careful eye on their pennies then fine, horses for courses - but openly taking from others crosses the line. That would be the bone of contention for me.

The way she spoke about the music event gives an insight into her thinking and would make me question if she thinks transactionally about our friendship - ‘oh, I’ve arranged to meet mymugoftea today, don’t really want to but I’ll get a cup of coffee and a cake out of it’

What do you talk about when you meet up?

My interpretation of the gig is she was trying to focus on the positives.

I.e Negative:
"I had to wait 30 minutes for my nephew. What a waste of time."

Positive:
"I got to hear 30 minutes of free music."

Do you actually enjoy her company? If so, you may have to accept it as one of her traits but acknowledge it outweighs what else she brings to your relationship.However, if you feel she is taking advantage or it bothers you, I would call time on the relationship. It is no fun at times being friends with someone who is so miserly with their money. I used to have a friend like this years ago. Our whole friendship circle used to laugh and joke about her miserly ways. She didn't care! In the end we all drifted away from her. Fast forward to 18 years later - we reconnected and I found she was still the same. I left that friend again. Life is too short to be like this - it literally sucks the joy out.

I cannot ever recall her saying tank you when being offered or bought a coffee etc.

it depends, if it's relevant, doesn't it? e.g. having no dependents can suggest that someone might have more free income (because children are expensive), so that could support OPs point that being frugal isn't a necessity for her friends.

Whereas being single almost supports the other POV because being single is flipping expensive in a country set up for couples/families, as you don't get the benefit of 2 incomes/getting to split all household expenditure 2 ways. I also think a lot of single/childfree people are very conscious that they will have to solely fund and be responsible for their own care when they are older, so try and save as much as possible for that and are then a bit self-conscious when its suggested they are joyless and miserly (or have some obligation to spend their money on friends and family, particularly kids) because of this, although I don't think that was the OPs intention.

I think some of the things you think are tight are quite sensible tbh. And the charities thing, don't most people whittle down what charities they contribute to by things that have personally affected them or they are interested in? Most charities encourage this, e.g. writing the person you're running for on cancer relief t shirts etc. Even the richest people don't donate to every single charity, they choose ones based on their personal interests.

Other stuff like not reciprocating rounds but being happy to take is cheeky, and I can definitely see how making comments, like the one she said to the coffee shop staff, would make you cringe.

But I suppose the question is is she otherwise a good friend? Most people have some annoying habits, I don't have any friends who are completely perfect! If this is just something that annoys you about her but you want to keep her as a friend just stop paying for her - and stop talking about her behind her back with your other friends!

I don't understand how you can say you love treating others when you only seem to like it if the people you buy for then reciprocate at some point, which isn't treating them at all?

If you don't like her then stop spending time with her. Just be busy.

No one is forcing you to buy her stuff either. Work on your own boundaries.

@Cola2023 makes an excellent point.

What is stopping you:

1. asking her to pay her way.
2. not offering to buy her a drink

If you let people push a toe over your boundaries without being accountable for correcting it - it’s on you - and then the resentment builds and contempt follows.

If you don’t like being in the company of people who you need to continually and tediously keep your guard with then drop them (I would).

If you don't like it, stop buying her coffee.

A few in our circle have recently got covid and have tested. Some positive, some negative.

I phoned this friend to let her know.

'Since they started charging £2 for a test, I refuse to get one' was the reply I got.

You don't like her so stop calling.