Miserly friends

[Mymugoftea]

A friend, who has always been single, no dependents, house owned outright, well paid career and receiving a large final salary pension.

All in our friendship circle have noticed she never has offered and in fact finds an excuse to go home when others have already paid for drinks, snacks, coffee etc. She measures everything by monetary value, for example, she mentioned the time she picked her nephew up from an open air music do and said 'He was late coming to meet me, but there was still a band playing, so I got about half an hour of free listening'.

When offering her a drink in a coffee shop, although I offered to pay and did so, she said to the staff that she doesn't see the point in buying drinks as she can fill a flask and sit in the town gardens for free'.

She used to buy pasties from a very nice local bakery, but stopped and now buys from a chain which has opened in town as their mass produced pasties are all of 10p cheaper.

I guess we have all met 'em?

Whenever she sees the price of things I buy or look at in town, she says Quidland shops sell them cheaper or I could have saved 5p buying it online.

She often says it in front of strangers too, which is very embarrassing.

How have you handled situations like this?

I had a friend once who told me if she gets a box of biscuits as a Christmas present she keeps them and gives them as a present to someone else the following year, she doesn't drink alcohol so if she goes out for a drink she sits with the one soft drink in front of her for a few hours and looks down on the rest of us spending money on alcohol, she was once delighted her husband won a voucher for a meal out for two as they couldn't possibly afford a meal out otherwise even though they both work full time in high paid jobs, so many other examples, we're no longer friends as she was forever moaning about how nobody had it worse than her and I just couldn't listen to her any longer

I agree with your friend about coffee!

I hate stinginess in friends too. No one is obliged to pay for anyone. But I’ve found that stingy ones who can afford things, tend to happily take but not happily give. Nothing more unattractive than lack of generosity.

I’d prepare to dump her, but would have a conversation with her first and be open about my feelings (I know this isn’t the done thing in MN!).

All in our friendship circle have noticed she never has offered and in fact finds an excuse to go home when others have already paid for drinks, snacks, coffee etc.

Awful behaviour, you don’t treat your friends like this and I’m surprised so many people are attacking the OP.

*The things that only impact her, none of my business.

Never taking her turn to pay, I'd stop seeing her. Careful is one thing, taking advantage of others' generosity is another.*

Absolutely this.

She has her own (unattractive to you) approach to money - BUT where she exploits you are you unable to be calmly assertive enough call her on it?

OR is that such an abhorrent personal value that she is displaying that it suggests you have incompatible values at your core?

I would dump.

Not surprised she’s single if she is unequal and unfair.

I couldn't stand that, she would be an ex friend. I truly find mean with money, mean with emotions. Not a friend I would ever need or want. It's the sub -text that their money is more important and valuable than yours. Fuck that.

Reminds me of my ex-cheese friend…. 4 families each with 2 kids bring a course each for a gathering. Cheese Friend brings cheese and already opened posh crackers. Cheese Friend gets really drunk and has to leave after dessert and takes the cheese with her! The next day she texts and asks for the crackers back.

My mum is like this with money, very concerned about getting things cheap and 'advising' me I could buy something very slightly cheaper elsewhere, despite the fact the extra cost in petrol would be more than the saving! It's always annoyed me but I've started just telling her I don't care, it's my money etc and she doesn't say about it all quite so much anymore. I would suggest focusing more on why you're friends with her and her redeeming qualities as she obviously is who she is about money so that's just something you have to accept if you're going to be friends.

I ghosted a miserly friend some years ago. We had a shared interest & used to go to events together regularly, but I noticed she would always share my programme and never buy one for herself. That led to my noticing more things. The final straw was when we were settling up after a weekend away. I'd driven hundreds of miles and was undercharging her for petrol costs. She then reminded me that I owed her £3.50 from six weeks previously.

Never contacted her again.

My sister and I are at completely opposite ends on the generosity scale, so it’s not always background that dictates miserliness!

Could she be struggling financially?

I loosely know a handful of people that are younger but broadly match the description
None of them have ANY financial issues and none of them grew up in abject poverty. All were comfortably better than average and firmly middle class.
I don't care if its anxiety or nerves or whatever. It's off-putting and sucks the joy out fo everything.
My DH and I are generous, but with people like this who will just take and take you have to get more guarded and that is super unfun and we don't enjoy how it feels.

I handle it by totally distancing myself.

We are financially prudent but this sort of nonsense the definition of joyless and I can't bear to be around it..

I avoid these people like the plague… they suck the joy out everything!

I would dump her.

Leeching off others is low and ugly behaviour and wears very thin after a while.

I’m not surprised you’re fed-up with the piss taker.

Im none of that..apart from coffee shops..large ones. I refuse to pay over £4 for a coffee.. daylight robbery.

People have complicated relationships ships with money. Don’t know how she was raised or what insecurities she has. If I liked her company I would ignore. If I felt used I would dump.

I have 2 'friends' like this. Both are single women with well paid jobs.

Both have property and are wealthy on paper but are really slow to spend on self care or treats. No cosmetics. One cuts her own hair.
Both have become increasingly isolated over the years - stopped paying into clubs (golf, tennis, swimming), NEVER support charity events like a cycle/run/swim which were a big part of their social lives. Love to find fault with a product or service to try and get money back. Absolute joy sucking misery.

A few times I went skiing with one - she asked to travel with me. I collected her from her door, (10miles added to my journey) drove 00s miles to airport, and same in return. She stood beside me as I paid for airport parking - which wasn't cheap for a week! We stopped at a shop to get milk on the way home and she went in. I gave her €2 for my milk (it was a test) - SHE TOOK IT! She's never been in my car since. I'm sure everybody thinks, 'why didn't you ask?' but I don't NEED her money. Also, what I didn't need was to drive a further 10 miles of country roads on my return from a ski trip, to drop her home. She could have come to my house and gone to the airport from there, but her car (a mercedes) needed work...

I have as little as possible to do with either of them

Just to add my former friend who forgets her purse and slopes off before it’s her round has no problem finding money for Botox, lip fillers, a boob job and liposuction but seems to think paying for her own drinks is beyond her

I think she just enjoys simple things - which is nice.

So she thinks coffees a waste of her money but is happy for you to pay! Why didn’t she invite you to hers or to the park if she’s actually broke. I get it OP, I had a friend like this and it took a couple of years to see her true self. She was always out for what she could get for free or cheap at the expense of others, her being so tight was boring but I could overlook it until she just took from others. I bet a few of the posters here are these type of people and wondering if their friends are thinking this about them.

I had a friend like this. She'd ask what the cheapest wine was in a bar rather than ordering what she liked then complain about the shit wine

She'd always accept an invite round someone's house but never took anything or hosted

Was always on the cadge or bragging about saving money at a cost to others. She took 3 toast drinks at a friend's wedding and thought she was great. I cut her out years ago.

I'm not. I'm saying meet her in the park with a flask of coffee too.

Do what she's comfortable with and meet other friends in a coffee shop.

We have this friend in my group. Everyone’s wise to her antics now. All she ever talks about is money. I know how much her DH earns (not enough). They have multiple properties, a car each, and she’s in line for a hefty inheritance. Yet, she can’t simply enjoy life. Takes, but never gives…

It sounds like she's got a bit obsessional. Kind of like a calorie counting eating disorder person but with Pennies instead.!

If you want to stay friends with her you could ask her what it's all about - I notice you often talk about bargains and seem worried if you spend a few p more than you need to- is all ok it seems like it's stressing you out?

That's horrible selfish re the charities - I don't mountain climb but I hope anyone stranded on a mountain can be rescued!