Partner's ex wife is controlling him and he can't see it

[Viking58]

Hi,

I know all the 'usual' advice that I should walk away if he isn't prepared to make me a priority, I deserve better, etc, etc and please I don't need to hear this again.

What I really would like to hear about, if they exist, are situations like my own which have had a successful outcome and how this was achieved. I just want to be sure that I have tried everything as this is an otherwise really good relationship.

My partner and I have been together 3 years and have adult children from our previous marriages. We don't live together but spend a fair amount of time together. My partner has said that his ex wife was very domineering and often non-supportive of him when they were together (though he sometimes denies this when we have a disagreement over her) and that she pressured him into marriage and kids many years ago. He has provided for her very well financially. Their marriage was over several years before we got together.

In summary, though he denies this more often than not, she constantly (i.e. weekly) ensures that she is centre stage either directly or uses their children (and she can be very subtle about this) - making him feel guilty if he spends time with me, constantly seeking his help (she's educated and not at all helpless), dramas including a supposed serious illness which turned out to be exaggerated/untrue, getting him to spend time with her, she's (I feel) sneaky, etc. He runs after her too much I feel.

My partner says he is loyal and that she is unhappy and wants to treat her well. I agree there's nothing wrong with that but I feel that his fear (I often feel that he is irrationally frightened, almost terrified, here) of upsetting her dominates everything and means that I get sidelined. He also says he feels guilty and my goodness she milks that one. I've tried to explain to him that the boundaries are too weak here but his fear of upsetting her is strong. It's as if he is an addict, is pulled towards playing 'the nice guy' but is aware of the damage this causes elsewhere (i.e. with us). And, it can make him dishonest with me about when he spends time with her which is not good. I am satisfied he's not in love or intimately involved with her. They were never best friends spending time together.

This is the only blot on an otherwise lovely relationship and I know he really loves me, but it's a significant blot. I tried the calm empathetic approach (using "I feel..." etc) and more forceful ones and we have argued but his 'addiction' is not helpful. I do feel I need to be respected more but would prefer not to leave him. Any tips please?

Why is he spending ANY time with her? Adult children,divorced several years? It's very odd.

Are you sure they aren’t still together. He seems pretty committed to a woman he’s supposedly divorced from.

Personally I would get rid of him. He’s not committed to you or your time together and he’s showing time and again that she’s the priority. You’re so far down his list I doubt you even appear in it.

I agree. I've ruled out all/most of the usual reasons for this and can only come up with he's been coerced over the years and thinks this is 'normal'.

Maybe give him an ultimatum. A defined time limit and if he still sees her, you're leaving.

Doesn't sound like their marriage is over, are they actually divorced?

I don't talk to my ex wives at all unless its related to the kids.

I’m afraid that there is an unpleasant truth to face, and that is that he is a grown man and it is his choice to behave this way.

Unless he decides to prioritise you, you can’t make him. It’s not her, it’s him.

Just leave.

It won't get any better.

Is this the first relationship he’s had since they split? Has she ever dated since?

By lying to you about seeing her he’s making it clear her feelings are more important than yours. There is no way you’d tolerate him seeing another woman behind your back.

His guilt means he’s got one foot out of the door of your relationship.

He’s disrespecting you in the biggest way.

You must know people will tell you you deserve more, that’s all there is to it. I doubt you’ll find many stories that started this way ending happily. If he was going to prioritise you over his ex he’d have done it in the last 3 years. He doesn’t have to because you’re accepting being second best. He doesn’t have any business dating while his primary relationship is with his ex. But that’s his stuff to deal with, not yours.

Oh I really feel for you here. It's a difficult situation you're in.

I really think you need to sit down with your partner when you're not arguing, perhaps even when you're in a good spell and just tell him how it all makes feel.

Essentially he needs to put boundaries in place. Ex's are ex's for a reason. They shouldn't be disclosing anything unless it's absolutely necessary about their children. Why would either of them even want to if there aren't any feelings like that in place?

You could try couples therapy. The therapist would help to establish some good strategies and boundaries.

Wishing you all the luck.

I agree with everyone else. If his children are adults why is he spending so much time with her?
Very odd.

It doesn't really make any sense @Viking58 . Discussing how it makes you feel is the best way to address, but you've done that and no change.

Sadly I'm not sure there's much more you can do - he's a grown man, he is choosing to behave this way.

Does she actually know about you ?

Are they actually divorced ?

Are you a part of his family and friends life or have you been kept a secret ?

Something doesn't add up.

Listen To Me…

you’re focused on the wrong person. The problem is not the ex she’s allowed to behave anyway she wants the problem is your boyfriend. He doesn’t know how to demonstrate boundaries and not let his ex-wife who should have no reason to call him anymore because his children are adults but his buttons she has no legal or moral reason to be calling him, except that, you’re allowing it or he’s allowing it he is allowing this he is the problem you want him to change you put your foot down and you tell him you have to either go to counseling to learn how to manage this new dynamic between you and your ex, and no longer be “ mentally married” to her ANYMORE!!!
you’re so focused on what she’s doing and she’s making him feel guilty and she’s making him do this and making him do that one person cannot make another person do anything. Your husband is choosing to feel this way and choosing to behave this way and choosing to be super giving and kiss her ass the only way to stop it is to put your foot down and tell him I’m not interested in her changing I don’t care about her. I’m interested in you changing your behavior towards it flipping on him ask him what if my ex-boyfriend called me and started yelling and screaming at me and I’m on the phone with him every day and I’m sending him all his money and giving him all my time and attention. How would you feel flipping on him and don’t let him pull the kid, the children adults and if he’s truly divorced, that he has no business whatsoever to ever even speak to her again. The kids are adults. He can talk to the kids about kid problems , the problem is your boyfriend maybe he’s emotionally tied and he’s not ready to cut that string, but you need to tell him either he fixes himself because he’s the problem here with his lack of boundaries and commitment to being a stronger person and an individual and not mentally married and pussy whipped anymore or you will walk !!

I’ve even if he’s not legally divorced yet he has no business talking to her. Let the lawyers do their job. If there’s something legal and anything, the children need their adults, they can speak for themselves by allowing someone to treat you like crap. You were the problem the person treating you like crap isn’t the problem it’s your response, ask him this … if his neighbor came up and screamed at him every single morning and demanded money and demanded control and blew up his phone. Would he be OK with that? His ex-wife is no different from a neighbor now he does not need to put up with her shit he’s choosing to tell him either he demonstrates boundaries and that’s gonna take practice because when you asking him Amanda changes behavior it’s always about patterns of behavior and it takes a while but he hast to at least start to show improvement. He needs clarity on the problem. It doesn’t sound like he has clarity at all. He’s just being the victim and blaming her. She’s not making him answer the phone it’s a gun to his head. No he’s choosing to.

Really? That is the lost likely reason in your head?

you need to tell him she is his past and he is now being disrespectful to you. He needs to make a choice.

Aren't you bored? Fancy being bothered with all this. Arguing over his ex ad infinitum. Relationships are about more than love. He's not committed to you and maintaining links with his ex is a good way of metaphorically keeping you at arms length, commiment-wise. Men know who and what they want - if he met a woman he viewed as settling down/lifelong material, his ex-wife wouldn't see him for dust. Unfortunately, that woman is not you.

You've painted him as being so weak, its hard to fathom why you find him attractive. However he isn't weak - he's just doing exactly what he wants to do, so your cajoling and complaining isnt going to change anything. & I know it sounds harsh but having just read a very similar post I just think, why wont some women accept they're not the one a man wants to change for? If you're 'The One' you won't have to beg. Which is effectively what you're doing, however you word it. The choice whether to stay or leave is yours.

@Viking58 I know a divorced couple who are exactly as you describe. I put it down to the ex wife (who is otherwise very lovely by the way) trying to retain some control over the situation she found herself in, but it's not healthy for anyone involved.

The ex husband has had a few relationships since, but none have lasted, I don't think they were prepared to put up with it once they actually realised what they were signing up to.

The ex wife has a new partner and they have a child together. It doesn't seem to bother him, which is something I can't quite get my head around. Maybe he's just glad of having a partner to share the load with his children from his previous marriage that he thinks that's the price he has to pay?

I often wish the ex husband would set some boundaries as he's never going to move on and develop another happy and healthy relationship the way things currently are, but that's probably what the ex wife's overall aim is.

The poor mite got pressured into marriage and kids. Always find this so ridiculous when men say that like they are some type of passenger with no say over their own lives. That alone would make me run for the hills.

I am in a similar situation but children much younger (7&10). She's constantly on the phone and not just for stuff to do with the kids. She will call when she's struggling, loosely wrap the kids in (e.g. I just wanted you to know I have been upset in case the kids mention it) have a good cry and tell him her woes. Every pick and drop off is a sit down chat about concerns or activities or planning for events.
Interestingly they have 50/50 custody and when she has free time he never hears from her.

I did comment on it in the past, it caused a few heated discussions, but now I just ignore it. He complains about it more than me now so I just remind him that he actually can stop it if he wants.

I don’t think their marriage is quite over. He’s more attentive to her than half the fellas people post about on here.

The simple facts are that your so called partner tells lies to you about seeing another woman despite knowing it upsets you.

This is a character problem, not an ex wife problem.

He sounds spineless. That would give me the ick.

All this is so unattractive.

He sounds totally wet.

Where's his gumption, independence an sense of self? This would be a complete turnoff for me.

*and

OP, I went through similar with my DP in the first year of us being together. He had extremely poor boundaries with his ex and was genuinely frightened to upset her in any way at all - upsetting me was an easier alternative apparently 🙄

I tolerated this for approximately 8 months and then told him he clearly wasn't ready to move on in a new relationship nor commit to someone new if he couldn't lay down boundaries with his ex. I removed myself from the situation to give him space to have a proper think about what he wanted.
I told him not to come back to me unless he had a plan in place and could articulate how he was going to go about setting boundaries with her, and also show me this through actions.

He came back to me a few days later with a plan for setting boundaries (mostly involving sorting set contact days with his DS - as this was how his ex was maintaining control for the most part). Since then, things have been a lot smoother and his boundaries have remained firm.
Our situation was slightly different to yours, but I suspect you'll need to take the same approach and show him that you will walk if he doesn't show you the respect and commitment that you deserve as his current DP. I nipped that shit in the bud very quickly but letting it go on for 3 years may mean you'll be in for a rougher ride with this. You will need to have the strength to walk away knowing that he may set boundaries with his ex to maintain his relationship with you, or that he may not and you end up going your separate ways.
Neither is a bad outcome though. If you end up walking and he doesn't do anything to change the situation, then you can consider yourself fortunate to be rid of someone who does not value you.

Coerced?

Don't be silly. He's fed you a load of nonsense about her and is happily spending time with her.

I bet he's told her that you're controlling so that the pair of you hate each other.