Partner's ex wife is controlling him and he can't see it

[Viking58]

Hi,

I know all the 'usual' advice that I should walk away if he isn't prepared to make me a priority, I deserve better, etc, etc and please I don't need to hear this again.

What I really would like to hear about, if they exist, are situations like my own which have had a successful outcome and how this was achieved. I just want to be sure that I have tried everything as this is an otherwise really good relationship.

My partner and I have been together 3 years and have adult children from our previous marriages. We don't live together but spend a fair amount of time together. My partner has said that his ex wife was very domineering and often non-supportive of him when they were together (though he sometimes denies this when we have a disagreement over her) and that she pressured him into marriage and kids many years ago. He has provided for her very well financially. Their marriage was over several years before we got together.

In summary, though he denies this more often than not, she constantly (i.e. weekly) ensures that she is centre stage either directly or uses their children (and she can be very subtle about this) - making him feel guilty if he spends time with me, constantly seeking his help (she's educated and not at all helpless), dramas including a supposed serious illness which turned out to be exaggerated/untrue, getting him to spend time with her, she's (I feel) sneaky, etc. He runs after her too much I feel.

My partner says he is loyal and that she is unhappy and wants to treat her well. I agree there's nothing wrong with that but I feel that his fear (I often feel that he is irrationally frightened, almost terrified, here) of upsetting her dominates everything and means that I get sidelined. He also says he feels guilty and my goodness she milks that one. I've tried to explain to him that the boundaries are too weak here but his fear of upsetting her is strong. It's as if he is an addict, is pulled towards playing 'the nice guy' but is aware of the damage this causes elsewhere (i.e. with us). And, it can make him dishonest with me about when he spends time with her which is not good. I am satisfied he's not in love or intimately involved with her. They were never best friends spending time together.

This is the only blot on an otherwise lovely relationship and I know he really loves me, but it's a significant blot. I tried the calm empathetic approach (using "I feel..." etc) and more forceful ones and we have argued but his 'addiction' is not helpful. I do feel I need to be respected more but would prefer not to leave him. Any tips please?

Something doesn't add up here.

My partner has said that his ex wife was very domineering and often non-supportive of him when they were together (though he sometimes denies this when we have a disagreement over her) and that she pressured him into marriage and kids many years ago.

Nah, sorry thats bullshit. What is he a helpless little lamb who was forced to have sex without a condom with her was he? Come off it, you know this is a lie.

Their marriage was over several years before we got together.

Are you 100% sure? because theres a chance you could be the 'other woman' here.

He also says he feels guilty and my goodness she milks that one. I've tried to explain to him that the boundaries are too weak here but his fear of upsetting her is strong.

I wonder why he feels SO guilty, why did their marriage really end?

Either he's the biggest wet lettuce of a man the world has ever known, or he knows exactly what he's doing. I think it's the latter, for whatever reason he's not ready to let her go.

He's not your partner, he's a bloke that dates you when he's not busy with his (ex) wife. He's a liar and seems weak, he is willing to upset you rather than her.

You want to know how to handle this without ending the relationship, well you handle it by sucking it up and getting use to being second best because after three years he's not changing and is fine with this set up as it is. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear OP, but you do deserve someone who is all in and makes you a priority.

OP, on your line about him being coerced into kids and marriage, are you aware that it's common for men to say this after a marriage breaks down to garner sympathy or even try and distance themselves from responsibility? I understand that you have also seen what you interpret as controlling behaviour, but I was just curious if you knew that it's a common claim from men.

How did their marriage break down - did he leave etc? Has she led him to believe he left her destitute? Did he have much contact with the kids growing up or was it all down to her? Just wondering if guilt is playing a part here.

Thanks for your reports about this thread. It's an old one that was reactivated but we can see that the OP's deregistered her account by now and won't be returning to the thread so we're going to close it to new posts.