Hi,
I know all the 'usual' advice that I should walk away if he isn't prepared to make me a priority, I deserve better, etc, etc and please I don't need to hear this again.
What I really would like to hear about, if they exist, are situations like my own which have had a successful outcome and how this was achieved. I just want to be sure that I have tried everything as this is an otherwise really good relationship.
My partner and I have been together 3 years and have adult children from our previous marriages. We don't live together but spend a fair amount of time together. My partner has said that his ex wife was very domineering and often non-supportive of him when they were together (though he sometimes denies this when we have a disagreement over her) and that she pressured him into marriage and kids many years ago. He has provided for her very well financially. Their marriage was over several years before we got together.
In summary, though he denies this more often than not, she constantly (i.e. weekly) ensures that she is centre stage either directly or uses their children (and she can be very subtle about this) - making him feel guilty if he spends time with me, constantly seeking his help (she's educated and not at all helpless), dramas including a supposed serious illness which turned out to be exaggerated/untrue, getting him to spend time with her, she's (I feel) sneaky, etc. He runs after her too much I feel.
My partner says he is loyal and that she is unhappy and wants to treat her well. I agree there's nothing wrong with that but I feel that his fear (I often feel that he is irrationally frightened, almost terrified, here) of upsetting her dominates everything and means that I get sidelined. He also says he feels guilty and my goodness she milks that one. I've tried to explain to him that the boundaries are too weak here but his fear of upsetting her is strong. It's as if he is an addict, is pulled towards playing 'the nice guy' but is aware of the damage this causes elsewhere (i.e. with us). And, it can make him dishonest with me about when he spends time with her which is not good. I am satisfied he's not in love or intimately involved with her. They were never best friends spending time together.
This is the only blot on an otherwise lovely relationship and I know he really loves me, but it's a significant blot. I tried the calm empathetic approach (using "I feel..." etc) and more forceful ones and we have argued but his 'addiction' is not helpful. I do feel I need to be respected more but would prefer not to leave him. Any tips please?