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Original poster

Invasion of privacy - both upset

54 replies

exhausted72 · 06/10/2023 13:40

Both in early 50's and LTR. Due to work and personal trips my DH and I have only spent 3 days together in the last 4+ weeks (not a regular thing - just happened this way). He has been home 2 nights. Last night I came from work and could tell he was in a mood - we had the house to ourselves as our DS was out for a few hours, so there was an expectation we would have some time alone together - and yes, sex for the first time in 3 weeks. However he then told me that he had found (as he put it) loads of sex toys under my bed. I bought a clitoral stimulator a few weeks ago, for various reasons - he was away for 3 weeks, I've never liked vibrators and was intrigued to know what these did, and also I am not quite like I used on this department (not just sexually but with general pelvic floor strength and have an appointment with a pelvic floor physio booked in a weeks time). It was under the bed and zipped away in a cosmetics bag. His reaction to finding this has not been great. He has got all defensive about how it is just "not like me", that it must be because he can't please me (not true - I think we have a good sex life - we are just not 20 any more), but more than that essentially accused me of having an affair (he has over the years asked me if there is anyone else on multiple occasions - i have never given him any reason to doubt my fidelity). He even started gong on about a pair of shorts he found in the bedroom that weren't his (they are mine), saying "you don't wear shorts" !!??? We spoke for a bit afterwards and I felt it was a bit better - however, I don't believe for one second that we wasn't snooping - his reason for being there does not ring true to me, and I also felt I had to tell him about seeing the pelvic health specialist - something that I didn't want to discuss until I had had my appointment. There was also an incident a few weeks ago when he opened a letter to me from the hospital. I was away at the time and he told me - but I was really upset he did this - there was not reason for him to open this. When I explained that I was trying to get "it all" working like it used to - he said he couldn't see why i needed sex toys for that. I know this may make him feel not nice, and a threat to him but I am really upset by his reaction and snooping. I don't feel (if we have a regular sex life) that what I do by myself is any of his business. He also made a little "quip" in the evening of "are you coming to join me or stay an play with your toy" - said it was a joke but feel it is totally guilt tripping and shaming. For context - he is not a prude, I know he has watched loads of porn over the years (don't know if he still does) and has bought me vibrators in the past (I just didn't like them). He ended up getting up after a few hours and sleeping in the next room and then was just off with me this morning before we both went to work. Whilst I can appreciate he might not feel great about this I am really upset that I feel he is guilt tripping and punishing me for this. The people pleaser in me wants to make him feel better, but I also feel I need to stand my ground on my right to privacy (I do sometimes feel he has a sense of ownership towards me as I am his wife). Feeling rather numb about it all

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 06/10/2023 14:00

He had no right to snoop. Is there any chance he’s snooped through your son’s room too ?
It would be the end for me.

ElleCapitaine · 06/10/2023 14:06

He’s upset because he’s the one who wants to control your sexual activity and he doesn’t like it that you’ve taken control of your own pleasure.

pickledandpuzzled · 06/10/2023 14:06

That’s really awful- his pretty thorough search of your space, his readiness to accuse you of an affair, and the nasty aggressive way he’s making accusations and insinuations.

I imagine you’ll be accused of being touchy, defensive, and various other bad attitudes if you don’t demonstrate compliance.

One of those things I could cope with, if he listened when I explained why I wasn’t happy about it. He’s actually being systematically unpleasant though.

Don’t let him diminish your unhappiness with his behaviour. It’s not you, it’s him!

5128gap · 06/10/2023 14:24

I think you need to stop being so understanding. You post is full of unnecessary justification for something entirely harmless, with a lot of focus on how he must feel. He has no business sharing his opinion on this at all. Its a private matter for you alone. As are your medical issues unless you choose to share them. He really needs to get in his lane and stay there, and I think you need to make that clear.

StiffUpperNip · 06/10/2023 14:31

I think you need to lose your temper. This is garbage behaviour. Please don’t placate him and accept it.

firstmummy2019 · 06/10/2023 14:35

Sometimes people accuse others of what they are guilty of themselves. Any chance he was playing away himself when away from home?

Zimunya · 06/10/2023 14:35

ElleCapitaine · 06/10/2023 14:06

He’s upset because he’s the one who wants to control your sexual activity and he doesn’t like it that you’ve taken control of your own pleasure.

Exactly this.

Devilsmommy · 06/10/2023 14:57

firstmummy2019 · 06/10/2023 14:35

Sometimes people accuse others of what they are guilty of themselves. Any chance he was playing away himself when away from home?

That was my thought. Guilty conscience much?

AdoraBell · 06/10/2023 15:03

The opening a letter addressed to you and accusing you of cheating are huge red flags. That’s before he decided to go through your things to find out whatever you have. I would be telling him to wind his neck in, or possibly - fuck off.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/10/2023 15:11

Ugh having no privacy would make me feel ill. Rooting around under your bed is really awful behaviour. Does he have any saving graces?

Grimchmas · 06/10/2023 15:16

His is atrocious behaviour! He went snooping under your bed, and then has the audacity to tell you off for what exactly, having orgasms on your own time by your own fair hand?!! FUCK THAT.

Opening your post, let alone a medical letter, is awful.

I would very much struggle to get past this and the onus should be on him to try to repair the damage done to the relationship.

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:21

Playing devils advocate here but is he not allowed to go under his own bed in his own home? And opening a latter not addressed to him but clearly from the NHS may well have been a genuine mistake or that he was worried it was something serious.

Sorry but I share everything with my partner and he is allowed to open my mail if it looks important and also has free reign in our home.

As I say, playing devils advocate as it may well be innocent. Sorry.

Seaoftroubles · 06/10/2023 15:27

How dare he invade your privacy like that? And then accuse, and pass judgement on you! He sounds nasty, controlling, entitled and jealous and it's absolutely none of his business what you do in private. In fact he should be pleased that you are trying to enhance and improve things for yourself physically. Stop making excuses for him and find your anger OP.

gamerchick · 06/10/2023 15:30

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:21

Playing devils advocate here but is he not allowed to go under his own bed in his own home? And opening a latter not addressed to him but clearly from the NHS may well have been a genuine mistake or that he was worried it was something serious.

Sorry but I share everything with my partner and he is allowed to open my mail if it looks important and also has free reign in our home.

As I say, playing devils advocate as it may well be innocent. Sorry.

You might have a low bar in your relationship but that's up to you. When one person objects to having their privacy invaded, the other person better damn well listen and knock it off Hmm

to me it looks like he's projecting his own guilt about something. He'd be getting a come to Jesus conversation and told to knock it the fuck off or he can fuck off

CherryBlossom321 · 06/10/2023 15:34

He has a whole collection of red flags there. His behaviour is manipulative and coercive. Please don’t settle for this.

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:36

@gamerchick No low bar at all I just don't keep secrets from my partner or hide anything from him. I don't see what the issue is, we both hate secrets and are therefore very open with each other and it works extremely well :) Oh, and my OH isn't ignorant about women's needs either

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/10/2023 15:41

And opening a latter not addressed to him but clearly from the NHS may well have been a genuine mistake or that he was worried it was something serious

Then he waits for the OP to read HER LETTER, ADDRESSED TO HER, and then ask her if it's something to worry about.

My parents didn't even open post addressed to me when I was a child. No-one, when you're an adult, has the right to open someone's post unless specifically asked to do so.

Maray1967 · 06/10/2023 15:45

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:21

Playing devils advocate here but is he not allowed to go under his own bed in his own home? And opening a latter not addressed to him but clearly from the NHS may well have been a genuine mistake or that he was worried it was something serious.

Sorry but I share everything with my partner and he is allowed to open my mail if it looks important and also has free reign in our home.

As I say, playing devils advocate as it may well be innocent. Sorry.

I beg your pardon? If my DH opened a medical letter addressed to me without my permission all hell would break loose.

gamerchick · 06/10/2023 15:47

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:36

@gamerchick No low bar at all I just don't keep secrets from my partner or hide anything from him. I don't see what the issue is, we both hate secrets and are therefore very open with each other and it works extremely well :) Oh, and my OH isn't ignorant about women's needs either

I don't hide anything from my bloke either. But if he opened my mail he wouldn't do it again by the time I'd finished and... Im able to recognise that what's been put in the OP isn't normal and can be excused in the way you did.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/10/2023 15:49

I beg your pardon? If my DH opened a medical letter addressed to me without my permission all hell would break loose

My neighbour did that 'by accident' - got confused with the surnames, apparently. The fact her's begins with G and mine with D and the letters I get use my first name rather than initial makes her mistake quite understandable 🙄I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

orangegato · 06/10/2023 15:52

OP - he doesn’t trust you and thinks you have it in you to cheat because HE DOES. He might not have but it shows a lot about how he sees your relationship.

It’d be zero tolerance to snooping to the creepy fucker.

unsync · 06/10/2023 15:55

Apart from all the other issues outlined by PPs, he's obviously completely clueless about the impact that peri/menopause. It's all about him. Where do you figure in this?

Mrsttcno1 · 06/10/2023 15:56

The snooping- I don’t really know if you can call it then if it was under the bed you guys share, he’s allowed to look under his own bed? But his reaction to the sex toy is honestly just a bit ridiculous, I’ll never understand men who have this attitude that sex toys for women are their enemy. I would honestly pay no mind to his silly comments, they say more about him than you.

Original poster
exhausted72 · 06/10/2023 16:07

For those saying it is not snooping - under our bed we have kind of plastic boxes/drawers. We each have our own on our own side of the bed. I would not dream of going into his - it is for his stuff. AND he then unzipped the closed bag it was in - not "happened to see it"

OP posts:
SuddenlyOld · 06/10/2023 16:29

I accepted pretty early on that my extremely insecure OH would snoop through my stuff when I wasn't there. But as I have no secrets I just left him to get on with it. I decided it might even put his mind at rest about my fidelity.

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