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Original poster

Invasion of privacy - both upset

54 replies

exhausted72 · 06/10/2023 13:40

Both in early 50's and LTR. Due to work and personal trips my DH and I have only spent 3 days together in the last 4+ weeks (not a regular thing - just happened this way). He has been home 2 nights. Last night I came from work and could tell he was in a mood - we had the house to ourselves as our DS was out for a few hours, so there was an expectation we would have some time alone together - and yes, sex for the first time in 3 weeks. However he then told me that he had found (as he put it) loads of sex toys under my bed. I bought a clitoral stimulator a few weeks ago, for various reasons - he was away for 3 weeks, I've never liked vibrators and was intrigued to know what these did, and also I am not quite like I used on this department (not just sexually but with general pelvic floor strength and have an appointment with a pelvic floor physio booked in a weeks time). It was under the bed and zipped away in a cosmetics bag. His reaction to finding this has not been great. He has got all defensive about how it is just "not like me", that it must be because he can't please me (not true - I think we have a good sex life - we are just not 20 any more), but more than that essentially accused me of having an affair (he has over the years asked me if there is anyone else on multiple occasions - i have never given him any reason to doubt my fidelity). He even started gong on about a pair of shorts he found in the bedroom that weren't his (they are mine), saying "you don't wear shorts" !!??? We spoke for a bit afterwards and I felt it was a bit better - however, I don't believe for one second that we wasn't snooping - his reason for being there does not ring true to me, and I also felt I had to tell him about seeing the pelvic health specialist - something that I didn't want to discuss until I had had my appointment. There was also an incident a few weeks ago when he opened a letter to me from the hospital. I was away at the time and he told me - but I was really upset he did this - there was not reason for him to open this. When I explained that I was trying to get "it all" working like it used to - he said he couldn't see why i needed sex toys for that. I know this may make him feel not nice, and a threat to him but I am really upset by his reaction and snooping. I don't feel (if we have a regular sex life) that what I do by myself is any of his business. He also made a little "quip" in the evening of "are you coming to join me or stay an play with your toy" - said it was a joke but feel it is totally guilt tripping and shaming. For context - he is not a prude, I know he has watched loads of porn over the years (don't know if he still does) and has bought me vibrators in the past (I just didn't like them). He ended up getting up after a few hours and sleeping in the next room and then was just off with me this morning before we both went to work. Whilst I can appreciate he might not feel great about this I am really upset that I feel he is guilt tripping and punishing me for this. The people pleaser in me wants to make him feel better, but I also feel I need to stand my ground on my right to privacy (I do sometimes feel he has a sense of ownership towards me as I am his wife). Feeling rather numb about it all

OP posts:
spuddel · 06/10/2023 17:01

That is so not acceptable! How dare he open your mail and snoop in your private things? And even having done so, to have the brass neck to pull you up on the stimulator? I would read the riot act.

BetterWithPockets · 06/10/2023 17:10

I’d be really angry if my DH opened my mail. That seems like a really big intrusion to me. He’s clearly insecure, OP. But if he wants reassurance, he’s going the wrong way about it…

MrsRachelDanvers · 06/10/2023 17:13

Going against the grain here but if you’re a married couple in the same house, I don’t see it as snooping. I have my own things so does my husband, but if I were looking for something, I’d go through his drawers etc to see if it’s ended up there, for example. Although I’d be surprised if he opened a letter of mine, I couldn’t get excited about it. But if privacy was very important to me and he knew that, then yes I’d be cross. However, I would be upset if I found a fleshlight in my dh’s things which he’d kept hidden from me! Yes he might be entitled to flying solo but I’m allowed to wonder if I’m enough. That’s what your husband is doing. Could you both discuss it-your need for a separate part of your life and privacy and his need to be reassured?

Mistressanne · 06/10/2023 17:24

MrsRachelDanvers · 06/10/2023 17:13

Going against the grain here but if you’re a married couple in the same house, I don’t see it as snooping. I have my own things so does my husband, but if I were looking for something, I’d go through his drawers etc to see if it’s ended up there, for example. Although I’d be surprised if he opened a letter of mine, I couldn’t get excited about it. But if privacy was very important to me and he knew that, then yes I’d be cross. However, I would be upset if I found a fleshlight in my dh’s things which he’d kept hidden from me! Yes he might be entitled to flying solo but I’m allowed to wonder if I’m enough. That’s what your husband is doing. Could you both discuss it-your need for a separate part of your life and privacy and his need to be reassured?

I’ve been married 40 years, my dh has never opened my zipped up toilet bags. If he wants tweezers or an emery board he’ll ask me. There’s nothing else he could possibly want to use in those bags.

Fleabane · 06/10/2023 17:27

I can 100% guarantee this is not the first time he's gone rifling through your things when you're not home. Is that really the first letter he's opened addressed to you?

It's a gross invasion of privacy

MsLavender · 06/10/2023 17:28

There was also an incident a few weeks ago when he opened a letter to me from the hospital.

I'd hit the roof over that alone! If I was with someone and they were curious they could simply ask and if I was away I would expect them to phone and say something like "Oh there's a letter arrived it looks important from the hospital, do you want me to open it in case it's an appointment that you might not be back in time for?" and then wait for my response. I'd be so furious.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 06/10/2023 17:33

I think it's bad manners to open someone else's post, and I'd be having words about that. If it's got NHS on it then it's unlikely to provide confirmation of an affair (unless from an STD clinic!). So if you tell him not to open your post and he agrees/understands, that leaves the sex toys. Can you use them with him? Involve him? He sounds very insecure, and it might be worth a go. But don't put up with any guilt-tripping from him. It's his problem if he doesn't trust you and you've given him no reason to doubt your loyalty.

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 17:39

@gamerchick

It's not 'low standards' if some people have different feelings to you regarding what they share with their partners. If it was, that would imply that you're doing 'having a relationship' right, and other happy couples were doing it wrong, and I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that, did you?

OP, have you not told him how you feel? I think I would have exploded on the spot if my partner had pulled one of my storage boxes out and started opening stuff, without even considering then being judged on it. Didn't you want to say something like 'What the hell were you doing going through my private stuff?!'

Nipplesrus · 06/10/2023 17:43

spuddel · 06/10/2023 17:01

That is so not acceptable! How dare he open your mail and snoop in your private things? And even having done so, to have the brass neck to pull you up on the stimulator? I would read the riot act.

You need to get angry. How fucking dare he? I suppose he never has a wank then?

pinkyredrose · 06/10/2023 17:53

What else did he find? One sex toy isn't 'a load of sex toys'.

Millybob · 06/10/2023 18:05

Like any man goes under the bed to see if it needs hoovering!

Why do women pander to men like this?
I accepted pretty early on that my extremely insecure OH would snoop through my stuff when I wasn't there. But as I have no secrets I just left him to get on with it. I decided it might even put his mind at rest about my fidelity.
I'd have had a rocket up his arse early on, and to hell with his insecurity.

RowenaEllis · 06/10/2023 18:07

He sounds like a massive drag and a twat.

DancesWithDucks · 06/10/2023 18:10

hold on

I know he has watched loads of porn over the years (don't know if he still does) and has bought me vibrators in the past (I just didn't like them).

But he objects to you buying sex toys for yourself and he snoops?

You got a control freak there, he thinks he controls your sexuality and sexual satisfaction, he doesn't like it if you enjoy things independently and he thinks he has the right to go through your stuff and open your letters - 'accident' my arse.

Is he controlling about other things? Because it's looking like subtly he thinks he's the boss.

tara66 · 06/10/2023 18:19

He seems very insecure if he is searching your things under ''your side'' of the bed. Who would even think of doing that? I never look under any beds!

FrostieBoabby · 06/10/2023 18:27

I would be suspicious he's trying to come up with a plausible reason to leave you and move in with a younger OW.

Men working away for any length of time can't be trusted.

RedSquirrelsRock · 06/10/2023 18:35

MsLavender · 06/10/2023 17:28

There was also an incident a few weeks ago when he opened a letter to me from the hospital.

I'd hit the roof over that alone! If I was with someone and they were curious they could simply ask and if I was away I would expect them to phone and say something like "Oh there's a letter arrived it looks important from the hospital, do you want me to open it in case it's an appointment that you might not be back in time for?" and then wait for my response. I'd be so furious.

The same with dh and me. We are completely open with each other but we have our own bedside drawers where more personal stuff is kept but dh has access if he needs it and I have to his stuff. He keeps a diary which is on view but he knows 100% I would never snoop because it's his personal thing not mine.
I deal with any mail that arrives personal and otherwise. We are both happy with that. It has worked for us for the last 26 years of marriage.

BlueYonder57 · 06/10/2023 18:42

I can't disagree with any of the advice. But... oddly if it was reversed, most of the advice would be to go snooping. And then to ltb based on what it is assumed the snooping turned up.

Original poster
exhausted72 · 06/10/2023 19:44

I got in from work tonight to find he up stairs napping. He was in an hour before me. Son says he hasn't spoken to him. I set about making dinner (using some left overs) - he said he didn't want it and would get his own. Given me one word answers to my questions about his day, and hasn't asked me about mine. (did make me a cup of tea).He is now sat upstairs alone and acting like I have done something awful. Sick of this

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 20:46

FrostieBoabby · 06/10/2023 18:27

I would be suspicious he's trying to come up with a plausible reason to leave you and move in with a younger OW.

Men working away for any length of time can't be trusted.

Lots of men working away can be trusted.

SpecialistSubject · 06/10/2023 20:56

Are you actually married? You say LTR, which suggests not, but then also say you’re his wife? Which is it?

And if he got in from work an hour before you, why did you have to make dinner?

FictionalCharacter · 06/10/2023 21:27

subolooo · 06/10/2023 15:21

Playing devils advocate here but is he not allowed to go under his own bed in his own home? And opening a latter not addressed to him but clearly from the NHS may well have been a genuine mistake or that he was worried it was something serious.

Sorry but I share everything with my partner and he is allowed to open my mail if it looks important and also has free reign in our home.

As I say, playing devils advocate as it may well be innocent. Sorry.

Looking under his own bed = obviously OK
Taking a COSMETICS BAG that clearly belongs to your wife from under said bed and opening it = not OK.
Accusing your wife of infidelity because you found a pair of shorts in the bedroom that aren’t yours = batshit.

PikachuChickenRice · 06/10/2023 21:31

What an idiot. He has no idea or does not care about your sexual pleasure at all. Only his.
My husband buys me toys we use them together but he also encourages me to explore on my own, knowing what we like helps us be much better when we're together as well.
He doesn't see it as an imposition on his masculinity.

Selfish.

Oldthyme · 06/10/2023 21:31

Devilsmommy · 06/10/2023 14:57

That was my thought. Guilty conscience much?

Show quote history

THIS ^
It was my very first thought.
Keep your periscope up OP.

fetchacloth · 06/10/2023 21:39

firstmummy2019 · 06/10/2023 14:35

Sometimes people accuse others of what they are guilty of themselves. Any chance he was playing away himself when away from home?

Yes I wondered this too. Sounds potentially like a guilt trip to me.
My ex accused me of having an affair when he was having one himself.

gamerchick · 06/10/2023 21:42

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 17:39

@gamerchick

It's not 'low standards' if some people have different feelings to you regarding what they share with their partners. If it was, that would imply that you're doing 'having a relationship' right, and other happy couples were doing it wrong, and I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that, did you?

OP, have you not told him how you feel? I think I would have exploded on the spot if my partner had pulled one of my storage boxes out and started opening stuff, without even considering then being judged on it. Didn't you want to say something like 'What the hell were you doing going through my private stuff?!'

Dunno, what was the poster I was quoting implying?

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