Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

This is nuts and totally irresponsible.

Off the top of my head.

• Way too soon for any joint accounts you are opening yourself up to debts being gathered in your name.
• The money transfer and you buying a house COULD be money laundering.
• moving your children into a home with this man at this speed is totally totally irresponsible and totally unfair.
• your decision to walk away from a family home with 8k is injudicious and is not in your children's best interest for multiple reasons. Get a lawyer and divide the assets.
• how were you planning to house your children and yourself without this benevolent American waltzing in...

It's laughable to try try and claim your children are your priority and even entertain the idea of this.
Its honestly lunacy... I can only imagine he is a totally magical shag 🙄

This is just incredibly naive. In 5 yrs your ex could be married with another kid/ kids. If he is the wife basically automatically takes half the house if they split. She could be trying to push your kids out. The relationship with the grandparents could have broken down for many reasons, plenty of things than can go wrong especially in a situation where you’re divorcing their son (possibly to move their grandkids in with someone else) and they’ve had some shiny new grandkids in the meantime.

Your Ex wouldn’t even have to sell the place, he could probably buy you out with a mortgage or loan from his parents if he feels that strongly. At worst you can register a legal interest in the house so you can claim a share if/ when it’s sold. And if you give your rights up that’s it, and I would bet your kids won’t see a penny from either their dad or their grandparents.

Crikey no, absolutely no sense in having a joint account, don’t be blindsided by him pushing you on this. No, no and NO.

I was reading another thread this morning. Another poster who'd met someone and had been seeing him for about 4 months. Not LD so had probably seen him more than you have seen your new partner. Like your thread here she was really "certain" it would work, batted off the concern, insisted the advice she wanted was nothing to do with how long she'd been seeing him. He was apparently lovely, genuine, calm. Then there was a gap of a few months on her thread and she came back saying he'd suddenly said he had no feelings for her 7 months in and moved in with someone else.

The thing is, your new man might be lovely. But you don't know him well enough yet. He could suddenly "go off" you, he could be a scammer, he could be future faking. After several months, seeing him a few times, if you add up the days, you've probably only known him a month. Definitely not long enough to pool your finances. Just go slowly. Buy your own house and see how things are a couple of years down the line. Hopefully you'll be back, happy and telling us it worked out. But if it didn't, you'll be independent, settled and ready to meet someone else.

Delete America. Insert Nigeria.
Now would you do it?

You and this man both sound very naive financially. Don't open any joint accounts. Don't share finances with him. If he wants to move money from the US to the UK there are other services he can use besides high street banks.

First of all, you need to sort out your divorce including a financial settlement. Help your DC to adjust to their new living situation. Even if everything is amicable and they are staying in the same school, it will be an adjustment for them and you can't predict how long it will take both of them to settle.

Let your new man sort himself out in terms of his work, his immigration status and his finances.

Bloody hell OP. Sorry to join in with the pile on, but This. Man. Is. A. Stranger. You’ve met him 5 times! Five!! You have young children for gods sake. It sounds like you plan to be a complete idiot, put all of your finances in a joint account with him, buy a house together in the UK and move in straight away after leaving the ex-marital home? You need to grow up and put your kids first. None of this is in their best interests. Agree with a PP that you need to seek legal advice as well regarding the divorce. The marital home is a joint asset and needs to be split as such.

Don't be ridiculous

Yeah I thought the same.

I wouldn’t be pooling finances so early on, no. It would make more sense for him to move over here and live separately for a year or whatever to ensure that the relationship works when it is no longer LD and realistically you haven’t spent much time together at all and of course you have children to consider also. LD relationships often mean time together is packed with fun activities and very much ‘honeymoon-esque’ which isn’t reflective of real life, or how it stays when you are together all the time.

I did a LD relationship for 18 months with someone (no kids involved) and it was just the opposite end of the U.K. so nowhere near the distance you have so saw eachother every couple of weeks. The 18 months was dreamy, then I moved in with him, couldn’t settle in the new place, realised he was a bit of an arse and the relationship broke down within a year. Not saying that’s what’s going to happen to you, there’s every chance it’ll all work out, but I would approach with caution.

FGS - why do women do this to themselves. Grow up! You sound very very naive (and bordering on stupid) to do this. I am sorry to be so harsh but no wonder you dont want to discuss with any of your friends. You must know this is just plain daft to do.

Is having a man in your life that important that you have no self respect. As PP said - if your ex DH marries again (without a will) that house could land with his current wife who might or might not have kids of her own or with him and your children are completely out of any inheirtance.

So funny.

My STBXH likely won’t have move kids as he’s had a vasectomy as he didn’t want more children im less concerned about them splitting their inheritance with any other children, I’d hope my ex would t be stupid enough to leave anything solely to his new partner but obviously can’t rule that out. I’ll have this chat with my ex though and we’ll see what we can work out to secure the children inheritance further.

As stated I’m happy to rent, I don’t care much about owning a home, the owning a home came up with the new partner as he hates currently renting and having done it in the past he felt it was a waste of money. I’ve told him I don’t need his support, I don’t ask for it, he’s the one offering it and before I do anything I wanted to know if anyone knew of implications. I looked online but couldn’t find the exact scenario and possible implications hence the question.

I’ve been on MN long enough to know it’s a mixed bunch and knew I’d get a lot of venom 😂 I’m thick skinned and it doesn’t bother me, hell, maybe I’d scream scam too!

Billions are scammed every year in this way. Scammers have video changing and voice changing software so you may think that you're talking to John from Idaho, but you're actually talking to Bwanbale from Uganda. Make no mistake. It's a multi billion dollar business worldwide.
Do not do this.

OP, PPs have explained all the ways this would make you vulnerable despite how you see the situation. And of course, this could be the first step towards getting you to do more and more things...the first step always looks harmless or you wouldn't take it.

LDRs are more vulnerable to the fantasy element where most of it takes place in your head without reality intruding. Be smart, protect yourself and your kids. You can keep doing everything else but for the love of God don't join finances at this stage.
If he really is for real, then he'll understand that you can't risk this and you need to wait until things are far more established. If he gets arsy about it, there's your answer.

Haven’t read all the other posts, but based on OPs posts I think I can gather why your new partner is suggesting these things.

From what I understand, banking in the USA is still very 20th century and you still can’t just open your banking app and transfer money to someone immediately, so that will be why he thinks having your name on an account will be the easiest way to go. Yes it may be easier but I don’t think you should do it - from what you’ve said I don’t think it is a scam, but you really do need to protect yourself on the small chance it is a really sophisticated scam! I think you should tell him no as a PP said it may muddy your divorce. Even if it doesn’t that still gives you a year to really get to know this person.

The rushing to buy a house and not leave you stranded if a landlord wanted to sell is a reflection of the poor tenant protections in some American states. Over here if you have an AST you can’t be kicked out even if your landlord wanted to sell. If you’re in your tenancy they can only sell to someone willing to take over as landlord - that’s happened to me before, made no difference to me I just sent my rent to the new landlord instead. Again that gives you a year to further get to know this person.

Basically I’m saying I understand why he’s asking this so it doesn’t necessarily scream scam. But it also just isn’t necessary. You absolutely should wait until he’s living here before even considering any of his suggestions. You just never know how the visa process will be. It might take years. He might give up trying and you don’t want to be tied financially to someone living in another country.

Its not venom. Its wake up and smell the scam.
And Im sure your ex is hoping his ex wldn be stupid enough to fall for the BS im reading here.
But daddy I love him is just rediculous.
This is how people fall for the scams, this rubbish.

A lesson in how to fuck up your children. You say your children are your priority but they clearly aren't. No one who really wanted to put their children's well being first would rush in like this. It's just pure selfishness aswell as stupidity. It's perfectly possible to have a good fulfilling life without having to have a man in it. Wait, let your poor children get used to their new situation and show them that they are your priority, rather than focussing on yourself and this man like a silly teenager. And yes, I do know what I'm talking about, I was widowed when my children ( now in 30s) were very young and I chose not to try to have another relationship for which as adults they have thanked me for treating them as the most important thing rather than rushing to find another man.

Also, hes not "your Partner".

OP, I would be very wary of any man who said he wanted to marry you when he hadn't met your children.

I'd be wary of any man who thinks he can just move to another country and live there easily - the visa process can be very tough.

I'd be wary of anyone who suggested marriage when you have only met a few times. Living together with your children is VERY different from your romantic trips to see him.

Honestly, I know you're in a romantic bubble at the moment but you're being ridiculous. The reason you won't tell your friends is because you know what they'll say. The only person who'd say this was a great idea would be someone without children who is also very naive.

@SurprisedWithAHorse - I’ve already said I don’t think it’s a good idea, he said to look into it myself to see if it’s something I want to do, he’s not arsey I think he just wants to make sure I’m secure, I appreciate that and really didn’t have any intention in taking him up on the offer but wanted to know if anyone knew the implications.

@TwilightBee Yes that’s it, a lot of stuff is still in person there, he has to call up or visit a branch to do transfers and then they have gone wrong in the past and taken longer to get to me (we booked a short holiday together and he sent me his half of the money before we booked and it took a lot longer as my bank is online only and doesn’t use SWIFT, very strange and complicated). I think he just wanted to let me have a card I can use if needed and then he went on about buying a house and the chat kinda went from there. All hypothetical right now as we know the visa may take a long time as you say.

OP, give your head a shake. You sound naive and deluded, both about your husband giving the house to your children outright when he dies and about this new man.

Go and see a lawyer about a financial settlement in your divorce, and start thinking about your children in the here and now. Things change, you can't rely on what someone says they'll do in the distant future when their lives could be completely different in five years time. You're potentially completely shafting them with your naivety.

The guy in the States is either as daft as you, or is scamming you. What he needs to do if serious is get whatever visas he needs to work in the UK, come here to work, get himself accommodation, then you and he have a boyfriend/girlfriend thing for as long as it takes to get to know him properly. Like a year, or two years. As it is, I'd put money on your money disappearing pretty quickly in this "joint account". Christ, how many red flags do you need OP.

I'm so sick of threads at the moment where a mother tells us her kids are her priority, when her actions scream the opposite.

I'm pretty sure I've seen variations on this theme on Dr. Phil. Many times.

OP--no, do not merge finances. Do not put him on any of your accounts, even when he arrives, IF he arrives, keep them separate.

Sorry, but this could be a disaster waiting to happen. I mean, how many Married At First Sight or 90 Day Fiancé couples really work in the end? Protect yourself and your children.

As for sharing a bank account - that's just ridiculous. Can you even do that if you don't live in the same country? I'm imagining you going into your bank and saying you want to share a bank account with an American you've met five times and who still lives in the U.S. Can't you see how naive that sounds? I know you think it's not a good idea, but he does - why would he think that? The thing about buying furniture is absolute nonsense.

Also I don't think he'd get a mortgage unless he'd lived here for a couple of years - that was certainly the case for a member of my extended family.

He’s onto a good thing. A ‘girlfriend’ who is going to buy him a house and have access to her money.

of course he’s offering to help out, pay into the joint account, because that’s what the girlfriend w wants to hear. Love bombing.

sorry op, you’re on the rebound big time.