Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

Disregarding the possibility of scams/moving too fast etc, you need to look at the practicalities here.

I don't believe he'll be able to get a bank account here without a visa/resodency or something to prove settlement. I think you'll find the same with yourself in the US.

I'm not sure why he thinks it will make transferring money over will be easier either? It will still be subject to the same fees/confirmations/security and money laundering (if a large enough amount) rules.

I moved here from abroad, and have transferred small sums and large sums over the years. All had the same process and timing when paying in to an account with just my name Vs joint account with my husband

For me I don't like how this situation makes me feel but then it's not my life. So I hope this works out for you and have a wonderful life together.

In regards to money and finances, I would keep everything separate for at least the time being. It's very easy for him to transfer money if and when he wants too.

Also as a single mother I would also consider if you may need a top up from benefits and if his fiancees may effect this.

Enjoy your new relationship but foot the time being I would keep money separate

You say it will be 18 months before he's introduced to the kids, but I really don't think that's long enough or fair?

Someone jump on and correct me, but I feel like for the children it will all still be very raw and new.

New set up, new home, mum and dad not living together, working out living in two homes between two parents and now mums making us have dinner with the new bloke? I think it's a bit gross and selfish.

Do you know what his plans are to get a visa OP? Even if his company are okay with hime working remotely, it's very difficult to get the legal right to work and live the UK

The house was a gift from his grandmother, I wouldn’t want to ask him to sell the house or give me a large sum of money due to a decision I’ve made. He may meet someone else but he loves his boys and they will be well looked after when it sells no matter how wonderful a new woman may be. They’ll also be looked after by their grandparents as the only grandchildren, I have no concerns for them financially speaking. I’m happy to start again, I don’t want to take anything from anyone.

Do you not think it's strange that a man who've you met a handful of times wants to move over to the where you are.
He wants to open joint accounts in both countries.
I'm assuming he hasn't met your DC and if he has what we're you thinking.

I'm sure your lovely @Mevawall but do you not think it's weird.

You don't know him,he could be a serial killer or a pedo.

If it's too good to be true,it usually is

@C00kp1ssBabtridge (I hope it worked correctly) Yes that’s something he’s getting help with at the moment as he wouldn’t be here on a spousal visa initially and the right to work remotely here is quite a new area of the immigration process apparently and would need to be taxed by bother countries in some way for legal reason.

You would be mad to open a joint account after this short time. Just no no and no again.

No No No

👏👏👏👏

@Miss93 No he’s not met my children, I’ve kept time spent with him separate though he’s met my STBXH when we were both out and my boys at school.
It’s wasn’t all that awkward really either.

I mean anybody could be a serial killer or pedo I guess, where do you draw the line?
Should I never find anyone again? He’s wanting to move here as we’re in love and I’m here and I wont be going there and leaving my children.
I know it’s hard to believe as why would anyone want a soon to be divorced mother of 2 from across the pond right? But I’m not so hard on myself to think that I’m totally unlovable despite my history, unlike some here lol.

It doesn't have to be life changing money, OP. It's money, and that's what interests scammers.

Yes, and the money will stay in my bank account until it’s paid to the letting agent and then it’ll be gone.

I only got half way down the op to the joint account bit

Stop being so bloody stupid.

My partner was living in the US, no ties, really good income, stocks, savings etc when we met, which was just after the end of my marriage so I'm not going to immediately yell SCAM like some have.

I am going to say SLOW DOOOOWWWWWN. If this really is "it" what's the rush?

I absolutely get the "closing the gap" thing, hell, I've done it. DP lives with DD12 and I. But 8 months? And moving in by July? Too too much.

We'd been together 3 years with regular long visits and holidays when he quit his job and came over for six months on a tourist visa. We'd met each others' family and friends. He paid his way (as I said, really well paid, plus stocks/savings), spent lots of time with us, and we decided that yes, we did want yo stay together. He then got a job here, returned to the US for a month whilst his work visa was processed, and moved in with us. We split all costs 50/50 (his choice). We don't have joint finances.

Even after three years, and with all that prep the transition was hard at times. Living with someone new, particularly when you have children, is complex. DD knew about him after a year, met him after 18 months, spent time with him over the next 18 months, then significantly more time over the six month tourist period, and only THEN did he move in.

I don't doubt your relationship, at all. But your pace is waaaaaaay too fast. Your kids need much longer.

Thanks for that input, smashing insight there @arethereanyleftatall .

1. Don’t give up your share of your marital home. Regardless of how your DH got it, it’s a marital asset and I bet you’ve been involved in maintaining and keeping it. You should get a fair share of the equity, not just a small pay off. If you got a decent share, could you buy a small place?
2. If the basis upon which you’re not taking a share of your current place is inheritance then make sure this is protected for your kids. What if your DH meets and marries someone else, or just doesn’t leave it to your kids. She would then be entitled to 50% of the house anyway- and probably entitled to live there. The safest way to ensure your kids inherit is to take your money now and leave it to them.
3. Don’t combine finances with your boyfriend or even dream of moving in with him for a long time. This is a red flag. It could lead, financially, to loans being taken out in his name on any joint house, joint credit cards being run up by him, joint loans being applied for and your credit rating being decimated.
4. Emotionally it’s also a red flag- if he’s a wrong un you’ll find it impossible to extract yourself and you’ll also be subject to emotional blackmail about how he’s given up his whole life for you etc…
5. If you want to put your kids first, get them a safe and secure home (ideally bought rather than rented) and try to avoid the temptation to move anyone else for a good few years. The last thing they need is a new person moving in with them at this point. There is no reason why your boyfriend can’t come to the uk, get his own place and see you mainly when your kids are with their dad. If in a few years things are great, maybe think about moving in then. If he doesn’t want to do this, ask yourself why.

@Mevawall it isn't that I think you're unloveable, I'm a single mother myself. I'm sure the guy does really like you and you've said nothing on here that makes me think he doesn't. The question is as your baggage is quite a lot right now why the huge rush, not why is he with you in general. He is risking a lot and it comes across as unnecessary risk unless there are other reasons he wants it to be sped up.

Btw I'm not so sure you can do a joint account with a person that the only thing he/she has in your/ his country is a LDR. Banks are different in each country and even a big international one do not operate jointly form a country to another.

If that were the case why there are so many companies that send money abroad? Doesn't make sense to me his proposal.

There are certain banks that do it but you have to be talking about loads of money, minimum 50 thousand and a property in the country and from there you can imagine how much more.

Check on that first still sounds like a bag of nice intentions in the best case or a scam in the worst one.

Seems to me that you're anxious MN will tell you exactly what your wiser self wants to hear - you want to hear it and you don't want to hear it. You are really vulnerable right now. Have you looked into the downsides and implications of being on his joint account in the US? I mean beyond asking him?

I'm curious that you don't want anything from your husband in respect of your time together and your contribution to the family life that's supported him.

What went wrong in that relationship? How did it start?

I think you need to work out a more self-respectful way of ending things with your husband before moving forward into this new relationship.

You have a wiser self, OP.

ITS A SCAM

😆😆😆 I'm so sorry @Mevawall but your sheer lack of ability to see the truth staring you in the face is hilarious. Honestly you desperately need some self awareness and to drop the delusional nonsense but you won't. You'll plough on regardless of not one single poster (and we have no skin in this game so you're getting the unvarnished truth here) and in a year or possibly more like 316 months you're life will be a cautionary tale. Best of luck with it all, at least your ex is in a good place financially so the kids might not be too badly affected by your ridiculously childish decisions

Thats really lovely insight, thank you @Azandme . The 18m is a rough estimate, it’s all guided by the boys really, I’m looking to move out this/next month to try and give them some starting clarity and set up a home for us all. I just wish the rental market was better here, I don’t want to be too far from their other home base. They’re aware their parents are just friends now as we’ve had the discussion, they’re bright kids and know we’ll be close despite not being a nuclear unit anymore, I know the split homes will have a bigger impact hence why we’ve waited almost a year to do this and also why we’re very amicable.

My new partner wants to move here as he doesn’t see a point to staying I guess, his job means he can move and as it’s also a U.K. based company it’s not an issue int he respect he’s just looking into tax legalities and if he’d need to reassess his contract to a U.K. rather than a remote US one. That may take a little time anyway as it’s all quite new law-wise since the increase of remote working since COVID.

At one point when DP was still in the US we looked at shared accounts, and didn't find any that would do what you're asking. I know a couple of people in similar situations fudged some details, but I wouldn't recommend.

International money laundering is a massive issue and countries have wildly different financial legislation - banks don't want the hassle for personal finance.

The tax and pay situation for him will be a pita too.

Btw I meant 3 - 6 months