Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

The tinder swindler's girlfriends didn't think he'd need money from them either...

Ok, being very matter-of-fact.

He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments

How do know any of this is true? Have you hired someone to independently verify it for you? Or are you just taking his word for it? Ditto for everything else he has told you.

He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner

Bluntly, this is badly affecting your judgement. You separated from your husband only a year ago, and just 4 months after separation you began a long distance relationship with this man. You barely took a breath to process the end of your marriage, much less divorce.

A long-distance relationship means you don't get to know someone grounded in the reality of their everyday life. You have no opportunity for independent observation. Nor any of the cross-checking that comes from a shared social circle in a shared country in a shared culture. No verification of anything. Just blind belief in what someone tells you.

It's good that you're hesitating about his suggestion to pool finances. However it should be an immediate and clear-cut absolutely no way; and you should be much more sceptical about everything else too.

If I were your friend, I'd be asking why the headlong rush into another relationship, and what's so terrifying about being alone?

I think the reason people are getting all worked up is because your timeline wasn't really made clear in your original post. To me, it read like you were thinking of joining finances etc pretty quickly.

You say you've known him 18 months, but you've only met a handful of times. It's relatively easy for a person to put on a front for months even meeting up several times a week - it is RIDICULOUSLY easy to do so over the internet/phone. You know of him only what he's chosen to show you, on those whirlwind trips where you're SO happy to see one another. It's not really indicative of his true character. Because you spend so little time together, you're essentially in an extended honeymoon phase.

So I really wouldn't think about pooling finances until a couple of years after he's actually moved to the UK - when you actually know what he's like, how likely he is to run up a load of debt, how likely he is to just leave at the drop of a hat, whether he's an angry man, whether he can be a suitable role model for your children. You can't know any of those things at the moment.

You're not disgusting or stupid but I suspect you are being somewhat swept up in new love - just be on your guard

I'm with my DH 23 years and we're married 16 years and we do not have a joint account. We have a house together and 3 children. It's not necessary at all. Say no if you're not comfortable.

@Bobbielikespeas I can’t state this enough, I don’t have any money to give 😂

Just discussing having a joint account or having a home put in your make makes you stupid.

You’ve met this guy 6/7 times and you’re already talking about being in love hypothetical situations for the future?

C’mon OP surely you can’t be that desperate and gullible.

If you think he is the one then there is nothing stopping him from moving over and starting a relationship.

Who discusses marriage, joint bank accounts, moving in together and putting a home in someone else’s name before they’re even in a proper relationship.

Even Jeremy Kyle would be speechless at this.

Well unless you are living on fresh air, or intend to, of course you have money. You work. You will get child benefit, you might get UC when you divorce.

Honestly, 10 pages of everyone saying how you are being very silly indeed and you can't see it.

Well this has been a very enjoyable and entertaining read. The weather is rubbish and I am recovering from COVID. I eagerly await the ‘based on a true story’ drama Netflix series. It will start with an English actress as the OP in an orange jumpsuit in shackles. She will be in a US prison awaiting trial for money laundering and fraud. She is facing a prison sentence of about 500 years. Off for a nice chicken sandwich now.

Neither do the numerous desperate women (and men) who get scammed out of thousands and are forced into debt that they can’t ever get out of.

I'm going to give you a wake up call; you are not acting in your own best interests right now.
You might not be able to get a divorce lawyer to go along with your divorce agreement, because lawyers are obliged to make the best case for their client.
The way you have spoken about your new partner has red flags all over it. It sounds like he targeted you and is moving in now you are single (and you aren't even divorced yet).I know this isn't what you want to hear, but why not put the new relationship on hold until you get the divorce finalised?

I’m grateful for those who have talked about ring fencing my children’s future for them when it comes to this house, that’s something that will happen and be discussed

Given that you're handing over to your imminent ex a house worth enough to attract inheritance tax, if I were you I'd get a bit more clued up than you seem to be ATM. Going by your previous posts your children's 'future' right now seems to consist of 'cross fingers, hope ex doesn't remarry and GPs don't need care and DC cop the lot.'

Bluntly, this is badly affecting your judgement. You separated from your husband only a year ago, and just 4 months after separation you began a long distance relationship with this man. You barely took a breath to process the end of your marriage, much less divorce.

@Stravaig The OP is still living with her H. The separation is in their heads only. Meanwhile, OP has been scouting around for a replacement .

Their 'excuse' is that finding a rental is too expensive.

@Mevawall On what grounds are you divorcing?

Has either of you actually started the process?

You have a UK bank account and address - that’s enough for a money launderer.

But assuming he’s genuine and I really hope for your side he is then the big hurdle is going to be the immigration issue.

There are very few options for residency visas that are not relationship sponsored or work sponsored.

If you think about it OP, by taking it slow (not pooling finances, not moving in, not introducing him to your kids prematurely) you can lose nothing.

If he's a man who is only into you for who you are, and you've found the one, he will be happy to take it slow - to just be around you and enjoy the relationship.
If he's got ulterior motives, is a lovebomber, narcissist etc, you'll weed him out and save yourself a lot of stress and potential financial strife further down the line

Win win id say

@Stravaig I seen his bank account, that’s the only reason I know anything, as in I’ve been into it and I’ve seen incoming and outgoings - sale of house, payments to estate agents, shopping, rent, petrol etc. Normal day-to-day not drug laundering stuff. No idea why he didn’t think I was a scammer as let’s face it I’m more likely to be one in his eyes, maybe he’s the naive one?

There is nothing terrifying about being alone, but he makes me happy, I make him happy, why would I say no for no reason? In my mind my marriage was over before we separated but it took a long time to tell my husband that for which I feel very guilty, I spent a long time working on myself with a therapist who I still see. They advise to be cautious but enjoy the good feelings and give clear boundaries which must be respected I do and will continue to do.
Im asking questions to those who know implications so I can weigh up what would happen if it happened hypothetically, I’ve had a resounding no and why and that’s good and what I was looking for. I’m grateful to those who’ve actually be respectful and constructive.

It often starts with an element of greed, doesn't it. Here's the man with the cash, the answer to all life's problems, Willing to share it all with little old you with no money.

Except everyone has something to lose.

Their credit line (tinder swindler - they borrowed £100s of thousands), their access to a UK bank for money laundering, their suitcases (drug smuggling)

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance.

This is a foolish assumption, right there. (I don't really understand the issue with your new partner - he seems in an awful rush, though).

What if your ex-H marries again & has a second family? What then if he dies before his 2nd wife and she inherits his house? Your DC could be completely cut out. This happens far more often than we like to think about, and men can be pretty thoughtless & careless about looking after their DC, particularly their "first family".

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions based on mens' good will. I"m neer sure if men are completely trustworthy in this way; I know very few men think women are completely trustworthy re money in relationships ...

There are all sorts of reasons why this isn’t going to work in your favour.

There’s a thread to similar effect on MoneySavingExpert - UK, joint account with US partner, which may be helpful to you and illustrate why this isn’t a great idea.

I agree with PPs - sorry OP, but this does all sound quite dodgy and if one of my friends came to me with this I’d be extremely concerned.

Scams these days can be really elaborate, because scammers give an impression of being open/honest and letting the scammed person into their life just to show how on the level they are. They can also take months/years worming their way into someone else’s life. But just because you’ve seen his ID and met some of his friends/family does not mean he is legit.

Joining finances and asking to buy a house in your name are football-pitch sized red flags. Anti-money laundering checks are thankfully strict and I wouldn’t be surprised (unless he is absolutely minted) if you’d fail them anyway because your conveyancer is going to probably have a LOT of questions which won’t have plausible answers.

If all he wants is to be closer to you, he can do that without a joint bank account and without you using his money buying a house in your name. He can move here, rent while you rent somewhere else, you can date properly and see how it goes. Maybe eventually he can meet your kids, once you’ve established your relationship.

How would he react to that proposal? If it’s with anything other than a ‘yes, actually that seems sensible, what a good idea’ - i.e. anger or scoffing or attempts to convince you otherwise - I’d run for the hills.

@UltimateInteriors All divorces are no-fault now. We are looking at solicitors at the moment as we’ve been saving for the legal fees and wanted to make sure we get the best advice individually and as a soon to be divorced couple, I imagine the house would absolutely have come up anyway.

They still have to give you adequate notice unless you’re at the end of your tenancy - my landlord gave me 6 months notice the property was going on the market.

Thought your husband gave you a lump sum ? I'm with everyone lese; you are mental to even consider this. Also; you're not even divorced yet. Your priority should be your kids atm.

Have I got this correct?…

He is suggesting he opens a US joint account with you. You then open a UK joint account with him. He transfers his US joint account funds to the UK joint account. Then you buy a house outright in the UK using those UK joint account funds. You would deal with all legalities and paperwork of UK house purchase and house would be in your name.

Is that the suggestion? If so, this has money laundering written all over it.