Give me a genuine reason why i should consider a relationship with a man again

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Stolen from, physically, emotionally, psychologicaly, sexually, financially abused.
End up always living my life dictated by thier moods.
Id love a partner but really, they are awful.

Sorry to hear this OP.
Sounds like you’ve had some back luck.
My advice for now is build a happy life for yourself first, friends and hobbies, and then start dating if you want to.

But keep your own place and own money. Don’t move in with one or let one move in with you. Don’t lend men money or buy them expensive gifts or even discuss money with them. Don’t run their errands.

If they start being moody on dates just go home and bin them off. Same goes for any other nonsense behaviour like cheating, gaslighting, jealous, controlling crap etc.

Maybe if you find one that behaves for 5+ years you could let them stay over now and again ;)

There’s at least one gorgeous one out there for you who makes you laugh, thinks you’re amazing and treats you with respect. 💐

They're not compulsory.
And you know what they say, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
If you really must, set the bar higher and bin at the first sign of bad behaviour. Never, ever give up a shred of your independence.

Thank you. I just feel a bit lonely but feel the gamble of another man isnt worth it

Awful men will test boundaries very early on with what seem like quite insignificant things. But they are very significant because women with rock solid boundaries will bin them off quickly. It’s why unfortunately some women end up with awful man after awful man.

I have a very attractive solvent friend, she has a beautiful house all hers and paid for but she cannot have anything out of place and it all has to be perfect. She is very prescriptive about what she eats and has disordered eating her portions are minuscule and health professional's have expressed concern at her being underweight. I have known her for 30 years and she has had a long procession of bloody useless men some far worse than others. She has self esteem issues stemming from her childhood.

Women don’t have to have a man to be happy but if that’s what you want I suggest you look to why you end up with so many awful men, I mean I agree the majority are not worth dating but there are some good ones. Working on your boundaries would be the best way forward.

I don’t blame you, considering what you’ve been through.

At the risk of NAMALT-ing you, there are lots of good, nice, kind, decent, funny men out there. I am surrounded by them. All my friends have lovely husbands. Some I like better than others, of course, some definitely aren’t my type (in fact, none of them are), but they all have one thing in common. They’re good men who care about their wives and kids, provide for their families (albeit jointly with their wives), and who are a part of their kids’ lives - coaching sports teams and generally showing up.

I am lucky because I had a happy childhood with loving parents, and while that’s no guarantee, it does stand you in good stead. And it is luck - either you’re born into that, or you’re not. There’s nothing you can do to influence that.

All I can say is, if you do start dating again, ditch them at the first red flag.

If it feels like a niggle, it will be a niggle. So many people ignore red flags and hope for the best - ‘love is blind’ isn’t a tired old saying for nothing.

Bur the more red flags you ignore, the more bad behaviour you green-light.

And if you ditch in the early days, you haven’t lost anything. You’re simply single again, before your lives are intertwined.

Good luck.

Cock?

Sounds as if you've had a terrible time of it! I don't blame you for not wanting to take any chances. And if you don't want to, then don't.

I think you probably have the same problem that I did. And that's just really terrible judgement in men coupled with a trusting nature. It's the worst possible combination! I ended up going to a counselor and when she asked me what I wanted to accomplish I told her "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop?!?". It took almost 2 years and a lot of self-honesty, hard work and, yes, quite a bit of pain, but I got there! I was able to make the right 'judgement call' and married a good man over 35 years ago. We raised 2 children together and are now enjoying retirement together. Would I have had the same life if I hadn't gone to counseling? Hell, no.

So, I'd suggest you try counseling. Not to necessarily make you want to jump into the dating pool, but just to make you 'sufficient unto yourself' so you don't 'need' a relationship. That was one of the things I had to learn; to enjoy my own company and be able to 'fill' my own life and my own time. And to hone your sense of self-preservation and your 'wanker-dar'. Once you get to the right place in your 'head', you'll be able to be more aware of red flags in a man, and the reg flags in yourself that signal you're ignoring their red flags! You'll be able to see more clearly and walk away more easily if someone isn't right for you.

But remember that plenty of people live happy fulfilling lives as singletons, so there's no reason why you shouldn't too, if that's what you decide is right for you.

@Catoo a great summary.

I hope you find better times, alone or with someone. Having someone else in your life should always be an “extra” positive. If that isn’t forthcoming, for whatever reason, you are better off alone and there are many rewards of the single life if you embrace them.

@AcrossthePond55

Easy to say if you've been in a relationship for 35 years, but it doesn't help a woman who feels lonely and all men have been shit in her life....

OP, I'm a solo mum (fabulous family, in a different country, but he's never cared about our son or given a penny).

It is what it is. I'm proud I did it on my own. Even if I was on my knees sometimes. You just have to pick yourself up and carry on.

Life is about making it the best for yourself.
Hobbies, friendships, following passions...
And being confident in your own skin. (It's an ongoing thing through life).

Wishing you all the best.

Great advice, @AcrossthePond55 - especially this:

Once you get to the right place in your 'head', you'll be able to be more aware of red flags in a man, and the reg flags in yourself that signal you're ignoring their red flags! You'll be able to see more clearly and walk away more easily if someone isn't right for you.

But remember that plenty of people live happy fulfilling lives as singletons, so there's no reason why you shouldn't too, if that's what you decide is right for you.

Sure but you don't need a relationship for that.

OP, it sounds as if you are missing genuine friendships rather than relationships.

True!

@AcrossthePond55 great advice/history. You've hit the nail on the head re learning about yourself, this is key.

You don't need to be with a man ever again. Develop bonds with friends, ideally women, and with animals/nature/plants.

I've been married three times and divorced. I cannot think of one single reason why I would have another relationship. I'm infinitely better on my own.

Men are great! Get back in there. !

Have you done a domestic abuse course? Any work on your self esteem? Thought about your attachment style?
All of the above would significantly improve your chances of securing a healthy relationship.

Yes all.of that. But not for a while i have been thinking about revisiting counselling for a few months. Ill chase it today.

I think a previous poster is right. I think i need more people around me more so than a man because I don't really like them. Im not on dating sites or anything.

Everyone i know seems to have had a summer doing things with partners and fanily, and now they are planning christmas things. Its kind of horrible never having anyone to help me either.
Ill chase counselling today.

Yes I think so too. I need to revisit some healing work that helped in the past. Thank you both x

Can anyone recommend anything online.

Because if you life a life without love, affection and support they will be still abusing you. Why should their bad behaviour mean you go without love and affection? It’s them who should go without. I do understand where you are coming from OP and please do build a happy life with friends, hobbies etc. But if you want a man- take it slowly, background check him, keep your boundaries high, walk away if they show red flags and keep believing that there are good men and you are worthy of love. I know and see plenty of good men each day and I know their wives. They give me reassurance that there are good men, happy relationships and joy out there.

The logic is understandable but flawed- you should not be punished for someone else’s behaviour.

It sounds like you’ve done loads of the hard work already. The next step is putting your learning in to practice by putting yourself out there. You definitely don’t need to dive straight in to dating though, as even making new female friends can give you good practice of spotting red flags, setting boundaries, being vulnerable and allowing people in etc.

I've never had this experience of men, most are wonderful.

I did have a work colleague years ago who has some frightful relationships. She went out with men who treated her terribly.

The thing is we could all see right from the start that the bloke was horrible and after yet another bad relationship and her sobbing her heart out to her friends we all said to her don't you think the problem is you?

You are the one making poor choices and having low standards. Aim higher.

She was single for awhile and then started refusing offers of dates from men she would have usually gone out with and finally agreed to go out with someone she wouldn't usually have been attracted to. They hit it off and got married.

I definitely need to work on attachment