Give me a genuine reason why i should consider a relationship with a man again

[Redlarge]

Stolen from, physically, emotionally, psychologicaly, sexually, financially abused.
End up always living my life dictated by thier moods.
Id love a partner but really, they are awful.

Think long and hard about the kind of relationship you might want to have. After a string of unsuccessful relationships in my 20s and marrying the completely wrong person in my early 30s I had a good, long look at myself and why I was ending up with men completely unsuitable to me.

By the time I'd left my ex in my early 40s, 2 young kids in tow, I had a much clearer idea of what kind of relationship might make me happy.

It was someone who I could enjoy spending time alone with, who really cared for me, who I could trust and be open with. I was no longer interested in how that person was in social situations or how others might perceive them.

And I didn't want to be with someone who was difficult, grumpy, distant, provocative, drunk too much regularly, something I had experienced so much in the past. I found that I had chosen men who were either destructive or unable to engage, or both. And those choices were about my own insecurities.

I know a lot of luck was involved, but at 42 I met the love of my life and recognised it immediately. I am an atheist, but if I wasn't, I could almost have described it as someone up there finally looking out for me and helping me find happiness. 11 years later we are still happy and now married.

There is hope for you. But you might want to look in depth at why you have ended up and then stayed with these unsuitable men.

Awww thank you for sharing this. Im glad you met your partner.
You are absolutely right. Ive tolerated too much. I am insecure.

None of those things have happened to me, I have high standards, I refused to ever live with a man, I only live with DH as we had a baby.
You can still enjoy dating, no need to combine your lives and move in, if a man doesn't respect your boundaries he is not worth it.

Meeting someone who, after doing due diligence as best you can, and weighing the pros and cons, you believe would make your life better if he were in it. No one on here can persuade you it's a good idea; and nor should we try as there are never guarantees.
It will always be a leap of faith, and not one everyone wants to take. Which is absolutely fine. There are all sorts of ways of structuring your life that don't involve a traditional relationship with a man. From casual sexual partners, to happy single life to lesbianism. You can do what you like OP and don't need to be persuaded anything is a good idea.

Honestly? I think you’re absolutely right feeling how you do, and before you get into any relationship you need to do some self-healing as you will have a lot of trauma which likely has lead to harmful attachment styles and will ruin any relationships you may get into with good men and make you settle for less than you should with the shits out there.
If you can get yourself to a place where you feel comfortable setting and sticking to your boundaries with partners and know you will know when to walk away then you will be ready to try again, and honestly there are some amazing people out there.
My first boyfriend broke me, in all of the ways you described, then I met my lovely ex-husband who was a source of safety after so much hurt, however I was still so anxious and awful after going through so much abuse.
It wasn’t until I found a really good therapist that I realised that the only person who can heal the pain was myself and actively working on that, that I realised my anxiety due to past trauma was killing not only me but my marriage and would continue to do so with anyone else even if I moved on that I knew I had to put the work in.

I’m 2 years in to my healing journey now, and I have to say I feel very secure with myself and my own boundaries when it comes to men and feelings around relationships. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, I have cried a lot for tears, torn down many walls and whilst my marriage has ended as we’re now very different people, we will always look back fondly on the time we had together and I am a better parent, friend and partner for it.

Have you read attached?

No x

How did you get this therapy? Was it through the GP or private please

Highly recommend that and overcoming low self esteem. Both have been game changers for me following a domestically abusive relationship. The self esteem one is written by a doctor and is on the nhs recommended reading list. It’s basically like do it yourself cbt.

I have a couple of married friends who always insist that I am better off alone- almost too much. I’m not. I want a relationship but a good one. Deciding all men are terrible is neither true nor fair. Denying myself the love I want is also unfair. I’ve had bad relationships and bad friendships, there is often bad weather and I’ve even had bad jobs. Also had good ones too for all of these. Very happy times. Balance is the key and not over investing in relationships. Knowing that whatever happens you are strong enough to cope.

Amazing. Thank you. Ill look them up now x

Good luck! Hope they help. I’m now happily married in the healthiest relationship of my life if that gives you any hope x

Im so glad to here this 💓

Nope.....sorry can't think of one.

I've attracted abusive men and they have all told me I lack confidence . They seemed surprised when they got pushed back . Maybe because I'm quiet they think quietness = no confidence? Are you a quiet person OP ?

I've also noticed that women in good relationships tend to have a supportive network around them , a good loving family , and friends . Maybe it makes abusers think twice about targeting women with a strong supportive network around her .

Did you even notice what led me to a happy marriage? It was years of choosing the wrong men, abusive relationships and a hell of a lot of pain that led me to therapy. Therapy that allowed me to make the right choices for me.

I reached the point of not wanting to risk my security and happiness for a relationship and have had eight years completely single. In this time I’ve invested a little more in my friendships and can honestly say I’ve been having a brilliant time. I’m now dipping my toe back in the relationship waters but only because someone I am very fond of and very attracted and have known for years (and therefore trust) is showing interest but we’ve agreed a low pressure approach to things as we both have very busy lives of our own.

Hi, I’m similar to you @Redlarge in that my choice of men hasn’t been good. I’ve found the advice on this post helpful too, so thank you.
If you do in the future decide to meet someone, I’d thoroughly recommend a Claire’s law application… I needed a shake in my last relationship, a couple of red flags and the information I got confirmed what I thought. I’ll complete this with any new relationship and would recommend others to do the same.

No not at all but i avoid conflict in relationships amd let too much go for an easy life.

Thank you lovely x

This is great. I really hope he is a good one xxx

100% this. All my family had died by the time I was 20. No one to run to or stick up for me.

Thank you xxxx

Natalie Lue’s baggagereclaim.co.uk - it changed my life.