Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Give me a genuine reason why i should consider a relationship with a man again

72 replies

Redlarge · 06/10/2023 00:09

Stolen from, physically, emotionally, psychologicaly, sexually, financially abused.
End up always living my life dictated by thier moods.
Id love a partner but really, they are awful.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2023 13:45

@Redlarge

I think so many posters here have given brilliant advice. Therapy, investing in yourself, self-exploration, surrounding yourself with trusted friends. It's something we all need to do, not just to help us with relationships, but simply to live good fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, to some extent society encourages women to 'put others first' and to 'be selfless'. We need to remember that we can be unselfish and caring of others without becoming doormats. You'll find your 'limits' and it will help you overall, not just with men. Or without men, if that is what you end up choosing.

I'm so sorry you lost your family so young. But remember that families can also be 'chosen'. Do your self-work, look around you. You'll find your 'tribe'.

Original poster
Redlarge · 06/10/2023 13:54

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2023 13:45

@Redlarge

I think so many posters here have given brilliant advice. Therapy, investing in yourself, self-exploration, surrounding yourself with trusted friends. It's something we all need to do, not just to help us with relationships, but simply to live good fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, to some extent society encourages women to 'put others first' and to 'be selfless'. We need to remember that we can be unselfish and caring of others without becoming doormats. You'll find your 'limits' and it will help you overall, not just with men. Or without men, if that is what you end up choosing.

I'm so sorry you lost your family so young. But remember that families can also be 'chosen'. Do your self-work, look around you. You'll find your 'tribe'.

Thank you so much. Ive just put my name down for counselling this morning. There is an 8 week wait but I know I need this. Xxx

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2023 18:41

@Redlarge

You're doing the right thing. Work hard and love yourself. And remember that you don't have to go with the first counselor you see. Just keep an open mind to what they say, but don't be afraid to change if they don't seem a 'good fit'.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". (Mother Julian of Norwich)

MooPips · 06/10/2023 19:04

lovely quote @AcrossthePond55

Original poster
Redlarge · 06/10/2023 19:11

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2023 18:41

@Redlarge

You're doing the right thing. Work hard and love yourself. And remember that you don't have to go with the first counselor you see. Just keep an open mind to what they say, but don't be afraid to change if they don't seem a 'good fit'.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". (Mother Julian of Norwich)

Thank you so much xxxx

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/10/2023 19:43

I’d definately take a pause !!!!

and do ‘the work ‘ on your fucked self esteem
and be happy single

it’s so boring I know
but it’s kind of the only way

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 06/10/2023 19:50

I'm happily married and am fortunate enough never to have been sexuallly assaulted, abused, cheated on or stolen from by a man, but if I found myself single for whatever reason, I certainly wouldn't be looking for another relationship with a man. I have read the Relationships board enough to make me very wary!

Deathbyfluffy · 06/10/2023 19:51

Redlarge · 06/10/2023 00:09

Stolen from, physically, emotionally, psychologicaly, sexually, financially abused.
End up always living my life dictated by thier moods.
Id love a partner but really, they are awful.

You've had bad luck, but that still doesn't make it acceptable to call all men awful.
I've been cheated on by several partners, I'm a victim of domestic abuse and I still wouldn't generalise like that - it's not fair on the vast majority of good women out there.

GodDammitCecil · 06/10/2023 20:33

Redlarge · 06/10/2023 13:20

No not at all but i avoid conflict in relationships amd let too much go for an easy life.

Show quote history

Maybe it might help to think about this.

You say you let too much go for ‘an easy life’.

Does letting things go result in an easy life? I don’t think it does. You wouldn’t be on here if it did.

Nobody can avoid conflict altogether. They can try, but the end result won’t be guaranteed happiness.

I think people with good boundaries accept that some conflict is inevitable - don’t fear it, or build it into some insurmountable thing that must be avoided at all cost.

And they’re actually the ones far more likely to have the easy life.

And it’s win-win, because if you make boundaries clear early on in regards to the small things, everyone knows where they stand, what’s expected of them, and there are very few (if any) big conflicts.

GodDammitCecil · 06/10/2023 20:35

Deathbyfluffy · 06/10/2023 19:51

You've had bad luck, but that still doesn't make it acceptable to call all men awful.
I've been cheated on by several partners, I'm a victim of domestic abuse and I still wouldn't generalise like that - it's not fair on the vast majority of good women out there.

Show quote history

It doesn’t really impact on you if one woman on the planet thinks all men are awful.

Just like it doesn’t impact on me if there are men out there who think all women are awful.

It’s no loss to me.

Original poster
Redlarge · 06/10/2023 22:57

GodDammitCecil · 06/10/2023 20:33

Maybe it might help to think about this.

You say you let too much go for ‘an easy life’.

Does letting things go result in an easy life? I don’t think it does. You wouldn’t be on here if it did.

Nobody can avoid conflict altogether. They can try, but the end result won’t be guaranteed happiness.

I think people with good boundaries accept that some conflict is inevitable - don’t fear it, or build it into some insurmountable thing that must be avoided at all cost.

And they’re actually the ones far more likely to have the easy life.

And it’s win-win, because if you make boundaries clear early on in regards to the small things, everyone knows where they stand, what’s expected of them, and there are very few (if any) big conflicts.

Show quote history

I know. Its daft really because i manage conflict well in any other setting than with partners.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 23:08

Redlarge · 06/10/2023 08:03

Can anyone recommend anything online.

The freedom programme. We recommend it at womens aid. It will be best £12 you ever spend xx

RantyAnty · 07/10/2023 03:15

Deathbyfluffy · 06/10/2023 19:51

You've had bad luck, but that still doesn't make it acceptable to call all men awful.
I've been cheated on by several partners, I'm a victim of domestic abuse and I still wouldn't generalise like that - it's not fair on the vast majority of good women out there.

Show quote history

And you show up on this thread adding zero value to it. Is it really that difficult to scroll on by?

RantyAnty · 07/10/2023 03:17

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 23:08

The freedom programme. We recommend it at womens aid. It will be best £12 you ever spend xx

Edited
Show quote history

Agree it's truly worth doing.

ClaraBourne · 07/10/2023 03:25

I don't know any man who measures up to my female friends in terms of kindness, humour, integrity, loyalty, intelligence.

I hear on here such creatures exist, but I have never met one in real life or know a woman who has one in their life.

Original poster
Redlarge · 07/10/2023 04:48

RantyAnty · 07/10/2023 03:17

Agree it's truly worth doing.

Show quote history

Ive done it xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Redlarge · 07/10/2023 04:59

GodDammitCecil · 06/10/2023 20:33

Maybe it might help to think about this.

You say you let too much go for ‘an easy life’.

Does letting things go result in an easy life? I don’t think it does. You wouldn’t be on here if it did.

Nobody can avoid conflict altogether. They can try, but the end result won’t be guaranteed happiness.

I think people with good boundaries accept that some conflict is inevitable - don’t fear it, or build it into some insurmountable thing that must be avoided at all cost.

And they’re actually the ones far more likely to have the easy life.

And it’s win-win, because if you make boundaries clear early on in regards to the small things, everyone knows where they stand, what’s expected of them, and there are very few (if any) big conflicts.

Show quote history

Its definitely down to fear of abandonment. Its pathetic. In a relationship i instantly view conflict as being the end or being rejected.

As previous posters have said this is why i need to avoid relationships till this is addressed. I get so angry sometimes with what Ive tolerated, i wouldnt let myself be abused by friends or work collegues, im obviously quite a different person when im in a relationship and its not the person i want to be.

Ive read some attachment stuff online today and its absolutely what I need to work on. Im feeling motivated by pps who say they healed and it helped them so thank you so much everyone.

Im feeling better, but I think this is all going to take a while.

Thank you to you all. Its pushed me a bit to act on what i need to do rather than let the negative emotions overwhelm me.

OP posts:
Disappointedsofa · 07/10/2023 05:00

I agree OP, I feel like a partner is far more hassle than they are worth

Original poster
Redlarge · 07/10/2023 05:01

ClaraBourne · 07/10/2023 03:25

I don't know any man who measures up to my female friends in terms of kindness, humour, integrity, loyalty, intelligence.

I hear on here such creatures exist, but I have never met one in real life or know a woman who has one in their life.

Ive never met one.
I need to start seeing my friends more.

OP posts:
BarleySugars · 07/10/2023 05:06

I'm on my last relationship with a man. Current model seems to be one of the better ones but i dont NEED him and if we split, i know in my bones i can NOT be bothered with it all again. I've reached that crazy old lady gardening stage where i'd rather potter round the garden and read books. I've rarely had positive experiences with men - shit dad who died, two shitty stepdads, shitty ex husband and loads of friends/family with similar awful experiences. I can only think of two examples of genuine good husband/dads in my circle. I'm just done.

Breakingpoint1961 · 07/10/2023 06:04

@BarleySugars are you me? I could've written that myself. I've just split (well I think so) with my very last relationship. I can't say it was dreadful, but I tolerated things I never thought I would at my age (nothing abusive though) and I'm now reflecting on why I did (at my age) that my boundaries are still woolly, so I need to work on that.

I didn't ever need him, which is right, and in the beginning I wanted him, but not now, realisation has set in and I know I still have work to do on myself.

There are definitely good men out there, I know lots, sadly all taken though!

I can't be bothered now, like you say @BarleySugars gardening etc will be my focus..

Goldencup · 07/10/2023 06:24

Redlarge · 07/10/2023 05:01

Ive never met one.
I need to start seeing my friends more.

Show quote history

This is the take home message from "Hags" cherish your female friends.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page