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Original poster

Smoking

56 replies

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 20:15

Hey, I need a bit of advice please.

how would you feel if your partner was a secret smoker during all or part of your relationship and they kept it from you as they knew you wouldn’t date a smoker?

To put it into context, I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and she doesn’t know I smoke. I’ll never smoke around her, if we spend a weekend together I won’t smoke and if we go on holiday for a week or more I won’t smoke . She knows I used to smoke, and she knows I smoke socially when I’ve had a few drinks with friends but that’s it.

i would normally have anywhere from 5-10 a day but instantly stop for however long i was with her for.

I want to be open and honest with her now, as it’s hard work trying to cover up smells and signs of smoking but I have no idea how she’ll take it.

I guess there are two scenarios , those being she’ll either be grateful that I don’t smoke around her and appreciate that I make the effort and self discipline not to smoke when I’m with her or she’ll see it as a massive breach of trust and she’ll assume I’ve kept other things from her ( which I haven’t )

I know which scenario is the more likely, but keen to get others views on it.

FYI - on our first date she said she hated smokers and asked if I smoked. I said I gave up on NYE ( 8 months prior ) which I did but started again 5 months later so I didn’t actually deny it….😜

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 05/10/2023 20:30

Why don't you just give up? Smoking would be a dealbreaker for me.

category12 · 05/10/2023 20:33

Yeah, give up and save yourself the relationship issue, wallet and lungs.

PepsiCoco · 05/10/2023 20:35

I had similar. I could smell it on him though no matter how he tried to hide it.
He kept saying he’d quit then every now and then I could smell it so one day I just ended it. He was shocked but it was a deal breaker for me just like I told him on the first date. Never regretted it.

Inthedeep · 05/10/2023 20:37

If you can go whole weekends and even weeks without smoking why not just give up? To be honest it would be a deal breaker for me.

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 05/10/2023 20:39

I'm really surprised you've managed to hide it. She can't have a very good sense of smell.

Can you absolutely not swap to vaping? Vaping and nicotine gum together got me to stop and it's now been many years since I had a cigarette.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 20:40

If you can give up for a week you aren't addicted, you're just being silly.

To answer your question, if my partner knew I had any complete dealbreaker and I wouldn't have a relationship with someone in those circumstances, and I found out he'd lied for 15 months in order to have sex with me that he KNEW I wouldn't have if I knew, I know what I think that makes him.

It's really very bad to remove someone's choices by lying. It's worse to actively deceive them into a relationship because you want one. I think it's abusive, and controlling.

You're essentially hoping she has poor boundaries and will just go with it.

Tlolljs · 05/10/2023 20:40

If you can go weeks without while you’re on holiday then just stop. I can’t believe she can’t smell it any way. If I found out you were lying then I would end things.

pinkfondu · 05/10/2023 20:43

15 months in? I honestly would have second thoughts because to be able to lie, cover up and mislead for that long PLUS everyone else knowing that you are lying and them helping cover it up!

saveforthat · 05/10/2023 20:47

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I am an ex smoker and could go days/weeks without a fag if I had enough motivation but was still addicted so I went back to it when noone was around. My partner has not managed to stop completely yet. It's not a dealbreaker for me.

category12 · 05/10/2023 20:49

saveforthat · 05/10/2023 20:47

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I am an ex smoker and could go days/weeks without a fag if I had enough motivation but was still addicted so I went back to it when noone was around. My partner has not managed to stop completely yet. It's not a dealbreaker for me.

No, but how about being lied to for 15 months?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 20:50

saveforthat · 05/10/2023 20:47

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I am an ex smoker and could go days/weeks without a fag if I had enough motivation but was still addicted so I went back to it when noone was around. My partner has not managed to stop completely yet. It's not a dealbreaker for me.

But is is a dealbreaker for OP's GF.

I smoked for years. DH smoked while I didn't dating. Not an issue.

The issue is that OP is lying to his partner in order to have a relationship she stated repeatedly she wouldn't want if he was a smoker. That is really very bad. He's having sex with someone he knows wouldn't if he wasn't lying. YUK.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 20:50

If only there was a solution to your problem...

Oh right! You could actually quit smoking. Why the fuck wouldn't you? It's disgusting.

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 05/10/2023 20:55

We'll get the MN anti smoking brigade coming out claiming it's akin to beating dogs to death now.

No idea what it is about smoking that brings such rage. Yes, it smells and it's bad for you. We KNOW.

5128gap · 05/10/2023 20:58

If you can not smoke for a week on holiday, you can just stop and say nothing. Vape for a bit to bridge the gap if you must.
I very much doubt she'd be fine with it, so best case scenario if you tell her you'll have to stop anyway, plus she'll know you've lied.
Imagine how good it will feel not to have this secret.

Summer2424 · 05/10/2023 20:58

Hi @Jojo855
When i was dating my husband he phoned me one night and said he'd just had a smoke. I thought oh no, won't be seeing him again. Then he said he's going to give up and did, he prides himself for being smoke free. Tbh sorry i wouldn't be happy if he started smoking again and if he did it secretly i wouldn't be happy. Try and give up completely if you can 😌

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 20:58

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 05/10/2023 20:55

We'll get the MN anti smoking brigade coming out claiming it's akin to beating dogs to death now.

No idea what it is about smoking that brings such rage. Yes, it smells and it's bad for you. We KNOW.

I like the smell of smoke. I don't like controlling liars.

It wouldn't matter if the withheld information was him being married, him being a Catholic, him being older. Doesn't matter. He's lying about a dealbreaker. This isn't about the smoking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 20:59

Anyway, OP isn't commenting so it's doubtless a wind-up.

volunteersruz · 05/10/2023 21:05

I wouldn’t feel great as you’ve already proved yourself a liar…if this is a deal breaker for her then you should have respected that. I wouldn’t want to marry a smoker seeing as they are odds on likely to die from it.

Original poster
Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 21:17

Thanks for all your replies, pretty much as expected TBH.

But, it’s not like i’m keeping a Heroin addiction from her, it’s smoking and if I’m not smoking around her, out of respect to her, then it’s not harming her, bar the lack of trust.

And for those that have said I’ve lied, as naive as it might sound, I haven’t. Sneaky yes, but I’ve never said I DON’T smoke. She just doesn’t know I smoke as often as I do if that makes sense?

if she ever asked me if I had had a cigarette, ( if she could smell it on me ) I would be honest with her and say yes, but this has never happened so I have never had to lie and deny it.

plus, it’s not cigarettes per se, it’s rolling tobacco 😬 oh, and for those that suggest vaping, it’s actually more harmful than smoking IMHO

OP posts:
category12 · 05/10/2023 21:19

Lying by omission is what that is. I wouldn't be impressed by your rules-lawyering.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 21:23

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 21:17

Thanks for all your replies, pretty much as expected TBH.

But, it’s not like i’m keeping a Heroin addiction from her, it’s smoking and if I’m not smoking around her, out of respect to her, then it’s not harming her, bar the lack of trust.

And for those that have said I’ve lied, as naive as it might sound, I haven’t. Sneaky yes, but I’ve never said I DON’T smoke. She just doesn’t know I smoke as often as I do if that makes sense?

if she ever asked me if I had had a cigarette, ( if she could smell it on me ) I would be honest with her and say yes, but this has never happened so I have never had to lie and deny it.

plus, it’s not cigarettes per se, it’s rolling tobacco 😬 oh, and for those that suggest vaping, it’s actually more harmful than smoking IMHO

Fucking hell, you're practically tying yourself in knots trying to justify how you're not reeeallly lying, you're just a little "sneaky", and hey, at least you don't do heroin!

Having a sneaky partner always works out so well, and your respect for her is just shining through. 🙄

Sanch1 · 05/10/2023 21:29

She knows you smoke. She won't not have noticed the smell.

Ginger1982 · 05/10/2023 21:37

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 21:17

Thanks for all your replies, pretty much as expected TBH.

But, it’s not like i’m keeping a Heroin addiction from her, it’s smoking and if I’m not smoking around her, out of respect to her, then it’s not harming her, bar the lack of trust.

And for those that have said I’ve lied, as naive as it might sound, I haven’t. Sneaky yes, but I’ve never said I DON’T smoke. She just doesn’t know I smoke as often as I do if that makes sense?

if she ever asked me if I had had a cigarette, ( if she could smell it on me ) I would be honest with her and say yes, but this has never happened so I have never had to lie and deny it.

plus, it’s not cigarettes per se, it’s rolling tobacco 😬 oh, and for those that suggest vaping, it’s actually more harmful than smoking IMHO

You told her, when she asked you directly, that you had given up smoking so I would say that you have told her you don't smoke.

Inastatus · 05/10/2023 21:37

@Jojo855 - she will know that you smoke because any non-smoker can smell it a mile off. My DH lied to me about smoking when we first got together but I knew every time he had a sneaky puff. He gave up eventually.

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 21:45

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 05/10/2023 20:55

We'll get the MN anti smoking brigade coming out claiming it's akin to beating dogs to death now.

No idea what it is about smoking that brings such rage. Yes, it smells and it's bad for you. We KNOW.

For me, it's the early loss of a parent that brings out the rage.

So be as flippant as you like, but for some it matters