Smoking

[Jojo855]

Hey, I need a bit of advice please.

how would you feel if your partner was a secret smoker during all or part of your relationship and they kept it from you as they knew you wouldn’t date a smoker?

To put it into context, I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and she doesn’t know I smoke. I’ll never smoke around her, if we spend a weekend together I won’t smoke and if we go on holiday for a week or more I won’t smoke . She knows I used to smoke, and she knows I smoke socially when I’ve had a few drinks with friends but that’s it.

i would normally have anywhere from 5-10 a day but instantly stop for however long i was with her for.

I want to be open and honest with her now, as it’s hard work trying to cover up smells and signs of smoking but I have no idea how she’ll take it.

I guess there are two scenarios , those being she’ll either be grateful that I don’t smoke around her and appreciate that I make the effort and self discipline not to smoke when I’m with her or she’ll see it as a massive breach of trust and she’ll assume I’ve kept other things from her ( which I haven’t )

I know which scenario is the more likely, but keen to get others views on it.

FYI - on our first date she said she hated smokers and asked if I smoked. I said I gave up on NYE ( 8 months prior ) which I did but started again 5 months later so I didn’t actually deny it….😜

You can't get out on a technicality

Personally though I've known when kissing someone who smokes and hadn't told me. So maybe she knows and hasn't said anything either as you aren't doing it around her

She knows. Smokers always think they hide the smell but there's no covering that stink.

All over this^

I think she could smell it on you. Clothes/hair/breath. No matter how many mints/brush your teeth/spray after shave, if you dont smoke you pick it up on others.

if you can stop for periods of thats great. Why dont you cut down on the 5-10 - say 0-5 and slowly taper off? I know its hard. I’ve never smoked but gave up drinking so feel the difficulty.

my dad died from lung cancer. Its not a nice way to go

Why not just quit on-socially smoking? She already knows you socially smoke and used to smoke and you manage to stop smoking when you are round her so to me it seems a bit silly to smoke as if you can quit to be around her you are not that addicted and can just socially smoke if you like it?

Tbh I would be upset and it would damage my trust in the relationship due to the lieing so if you want to keep the relationship I wouldn't come clean I would just quid smoking

OK so I'm literally in exactly this situation, except I'm in your girlfriends position. Basically we've been dating for over a year, and my partner portrayed himself as a non smoker. To be honest I think it is because of the stigma etc and maybe he genuinely thought he'd quit if it got serious so it would never become a problem or something. Anyway that's my best guess.

Since day 1 I've suspected him to be a smoker, because no matter how faint the trace, I often thought I could smell something, but I wasn't sure how much or if it was only occasionally etc.

The scent on his hair and breath has become more regular now, so I'm petty much convinced and I genuinely feel really bad for him with the amount of effort he goes through to try to hide it from me.
Like you he doesn't do it on holidays etc because it would be too obvious.
He always goes to his own house first to shower after work rather than just come straight to mine and shower here. Probably because he is worried about the smell but he's massively inconveniencing himself. (and I still smell it anyway)

I literally don't mind that he smokes, I love him and want to be with him regardless. Obviously we could agree on locations of where would be ok with me and so on (garden yes, house no). So this is literally a non issue, except for the fact that it is a secret.
I've never said anything because at first I wasn't sure if it was a daily or occasional thing and then later I wasn't sure if I had it right or was just imagining it. But I'm 99% sure now, I just don't know how to bring it up at this stage.
I wish he would just confess, because then neither of us would need to worry about it anymore, but he's probably not going to do that.

So I want to ask him, but I'm afraid that if I ask him directly he would feel put on the spot and deny it. If he panics he might make it sound like I'm imagining things.
I would like to avoid that.
How would you like your partner to confront you? If you could be some advice on how to approach my partner who is literally in your shoes in this scenerio.

I would advise you to just tell her. Or maybe ask her how she feels about smokers first if you're not sure. But she is probably like me and already knows or heavily suspects and since she hasn't made that an issue yet, it probably means it isn't an issue for her.