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Original poster

Smoking

56 replies

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 20:15

Hey, I need a bit of advice please.

how would you feel if your partner was a secret smoker during all or part of your relationship and they kept it from you as they knew you wouldn’t date a smoker?

To put it into context, I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and she doesn’t know I smoke. I’ll never smoke around her, if we spend a weekend together I won’t smoke and if we go on holiday for a week or more I won’t smoke . She knows I used to smoke, and she knows I smoke socially when I’ve had a few drinks with friends but that’s it.

i would normally have anywhere from 5-10 a day but instantly stop for however long i was with her for.

I want to be open and honest with her now, as it’s hard work trying to cover up smells and signs of smoking but I have no idea how she’ll take it.

I guess there are two scenarios , those being she’ll either be grateful that I don’t smoke around her and appreciate that I make the effort and self discipline not to smoke when I’m with her or she’ll see it as a massive breach of trust and she’ll assume I’ve kept other things from her ( which I haven’t )

I know which scenario is the more likely, but keen to get others views on it.

FYI - on our first date she said she hated smokers and asked if I smoked. I said I gave up on NYE ( 8 months prior ) which I did but started again 5 months later so I didn’t actually deny it….😜

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 21:46

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 21:17

Thanks for all your replies, pretty much as expected TBH.

But, it’s not like i’m keeping a Heroin addiction from her, it’s smoking and if I’m not smoking around her, out of respect to her, then it’s not harming her, bar the lack of trust.

And for those that have said I’ve lied, as naive as it might sound, I haven’t. Sneaky yes, but I’ve never said I DON’T smoke. She just doesn’t know I smoke as often as I do if that makes sense?

if she ever asked me if I had had a cigarette, ( if she could smell it on me ) I would be honest with her and say yes, but this has never happened so I have never had to lie and deny it.

plus, it’s not cigarettes per se, it’s rolling tobacco 😬 oh, and for those that suggest vaping, it’s actually more harmful than smoking IMHO

Well if I was your partner and I found out, you'd be gone.

It's that simple

Which is more important to you?

RaeHitsEbSire · 05/10/2023 21:47

I'm a smoker - you need to be upfront about it. Otherwise you will have no defence when your other half nags you to quit.

spookehtooth · 05/10/2023 21:54

You've been dishonest with your partner from day one, deliberately, because there was something about which was a deal breaker. For me that's two deal breakers, smoking and dishonesty. The best thing to do, I think, is tell the truth, take the consequences and commit to quitting for real

You can try and secretly quit, and make the lie the truth I guess but a lot of people find it hard doing it openly with full support. You'll be secretly quitting with zero support, hiding any support things like patches etc. It's not the best conditions for success is it? You're making it harder than it needs to be, and if you're discovered unintended disclosure via patches or something being found it'll be many times worse than a volunteered confession

Catsafterme · 05/10/2023 21:56

Smoker here too. If I was to meet a woman and she said she didn't like smokers I would have been honest and said I did to give her the option to continue or not. If that relationship was good and it was a deal breaker I would probably quit.

At the end of the day it's my choice to smoke and theirs not to be around it but what's more important nicotine or the relationship.

5128gap · 05/10/2023 21:59

You don't have to justify yourself to us mate. We're not your girlfriend and our views about smoking are beside the point.
What it comes down to is, by carrying on smoking you are very likely risking your relationship. You're not physically addicted, you just enjoy it. So you need to decide if you enjoy it more than your relationship, because I'd be surprised if you were lucky enough to get both. Anti smokers can be very very firm in their views.

Original poster
Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 22:08

Thankyou everyone for your responses; especially the ones without the dagger To my throat 😂

I don’t doubt that I have done wrong, and I know I should have been honest with her from the start, but there are very few gay people where I live so finding someone who I click with is very difficult, so I didn’t want to lose her before she was even given a chance to get to know me. I know that’s not an excuse, but it was my thought process at the time and I guess the hole just kept getting deeper.

OP posts:
caniaskfor · 05/10/2023 22:09

Ex-smoker... can't get worked up about others smoking and always internally roll my eyes at those who say it's a deal breaker although I know they are probably right and I am wrong!

However... even I wouldn't be happy about the level of secrecy that's been going on and would feel betrayed on some level. And my immediate next thought would be, what else are they hiding?

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2023 22:17

I’ve experienced this scenario. I would dump you immediately because you think you need to continue smoking.

if you want to stay in this relationship, why not quit today?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 22:23

You're your own worst enemy, op.

AuroraForever · 05/10/2023 22:36

I can’t imagine all the covering up you’re doing or trying to do or think you’re doing. What’s the point in that? Fucking own it. I think the best thing to do would be just to tell her everything now, come clean and face the consequences. You can’t keep lying. It’s not fair on her. Do the right thing, tell her and what will be will be.

Elmer83 · 05/10/2023 22:40

I smoke and if you can go a whole weekend or longer not smoking, then why even bother! I can’t get past my first morning coffee without nipping outside for one! I wish I had your will power and if I did I would quit the evil cancer stick in a minute! It’s a no brainier to me?!

volunteersruz · 05/10/2023 22:44

AuroraForever · 05/10/2023 22:36

I can’t imagine all the covering up you’re doing or trying to do or think you’re doing. What’s the point in that? Fucking own it. I think the best thing to do would be just to tell her everything now, come clean and face the consequences. You can’t keep lying. It’s not fair on her. Do the right thing, tell her and what will be will be.

well said…and equally OP@Jojo855 she may well be pretty keen on you by this stage so the outcome may not be as bad as you think. And no,vapes are not worse than smoking , I’ve never treated anyone in palliative care dying of vaping but have treated a number of smokers with terminal lung cancer in their early 40’s!!!

Ginger1982 · 05/10/2023 22:50

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 22:08

Thankyou everyone for your responses; especially the ones without the dagger To my throat 😂

I don’t doubt that I have done wrong, and I know I should have been honest with her from the start, but there are very few gay people where I live so finding someone who I click with is very difficult, so I didn’t want to lose her before she was even given a chance to get to know me. I know that’s not an excuse, but it was my thought process at the time and I guess the hole just kept getting deeper.

So just quit!

Lnichola91 · 05/10/2023 22:51

As a smoker myself, I guarantee you that she smells it. It stinks if your a non-smoker you smell it a mile away. I think she probably fell in love & made the decision that maybe it wasn't really such a big deal, after all if she was that against it she wouldn't be accepting of social smoking either😊

volunteersruz · 05/10/2023 22:54

Although I would agree with you op, I would never advise vaping if you can quit via other means, you are fairly lucky to have escaped without a significant nicotine addiction so far and starting to vape is a sure fire way to gain an addiction!

Lizzieregina · 05/10/2023 22:59

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I’m older, and when I was young it seemed like everyone I knew smoked, so I put up with it. Definitely wouldn’t now.

My DP did smoke but gave it up 18 years ago. I’d ditch him tomorrow if he started again.

Londonscallingme · 05/10/2023 23:05

RaeHitsEbSire · 05/10/2023 21:47

I'm a smoker - you need to be upfront about it. Otherwise you will have no defence when your other half nags you to quit.

Bit late for that now. If this was going to be the approach (which I agree is a perfectly legitimate one to take) then OP would have needed to be honest from the outset.

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 23:07

My ex packed up smoking, but then smoked in secret. There was no need, its an addiction and its difficult to give up. I wouldn't have kicked off if he had talked and said he was struggling staying off the cigs. I think it was his own embarrassment at not being able to combat it rather than tell me. I said if you want a cig have a cig, i can't tell anyone what to do, i was more upset that he couldnt confide in me and hid it. That upset me more than him smoking. Hes an adult and knows the risks, i wasnt his mum. Btw i could smell the smoke on him..or he would mask it with mouthwash, which he never dud before. Dead giveaway.
Just confide in her...she might surprise you, if you really want to stop smoking again... or not..but you need to tell her.. honestly first.

GarlicGrace · 05/10/2023 23:12

I inadvertently did a terrible thing to a colleague, @Jojo855. When his wife rang the office one evening, I picked up his phone. "He must still be in the building," I assured her, "His cigarettes are on his desk."

I didn't know he'd told he'd given up years ago Shock

Predictably, she gave him hell. He forgave me, but not really. They stayed married but he had to stop smoking, and she didn't quite believe him.

The lessons to draw from this might be:

  1. You might get accidentally outed.
  2. She's going to be furious.
  3. You will have to stop.

So, I hate to say it (I'm a smoker, I REALLY hate to say it!) but the only logical course of action is to actually stop smoking. Then you'll never have to tell her you lied, and can relax (ish) knowing you aren't living a lie any more.

Sorry - to you and, always, to my ex-colleague.

Original poster
Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 23:29

AuroraForever · 05/10/2023 22:36

I can’t imagine all the covering up you’re doing or trying to do or think you’re doing. What’s the point in that? Fucking own it. I think the best thing to do would be just to tell her everything now, come clean and face the consequences. You can’t keep lying. It’s not fair on her. Do the right thing, tell her and what will be will be.

That’s the whole point of my thread though?!! I never once said I wouldn’t tell her , in fact I thought I made it clear that my plan was to tell her?

and yes, I’m doing lots of covering up and it stresses me out. I have stopped 3 or 4 times during our relationship, longest being 2 months , but triggers like my grandad passing, my friend committing suicide and arguments between partner or family trigger me to start again.

OP posts:
AuroraForever · 05/10/2023 23:39

Jojo855 · 05/10/2023 23:29

That’s the whole point of my thread though?!! I never once said I wouldn’t tell her , in fact I thought I made it clear that my plan was to tell her?

and yes, I’m doing lots of covering up and it stresses me out. I have stopped 3 or 4 times during our relationship, longest being 2 months , but triggers like my grandad passing, my friend committing suicide and arguments between partner or family trigger me to start again.

Show quote history

So you need to go tell her then! What others think or feel or would do in the same scenario isn’t going to help you. We’re not her and won’t be able to tell you how she’ll react. It could be good, it could be bad. She may help you quit, she may quit you! But the stress it must be causing you isn’t worth it particularly if there’s other, bigger, things happening in your life.

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 23:40

I understand OP. Its an addiction, very difficult to stop. Talk to her and see what help there is out there if you want to stop... forever 😁...apologise for fibbing by omission. Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2023 01:56

And for those that have said I’ve lied, as naive as it might sound, I haven’t. Sneaky yes, but I’ve never said I DON’T smoke. She just doesn’t know I smoke as often as I do if that makes sense?

Deliberately misleading someone over the course of several months to have a relationship entirely under false pretences then. Better than 'lying'? Not really, right.

And you have excuses for everything. Stress made you smoke, there aren't many people in your dating pool and on and on. I really think you need some do some serious work on owning your shit. Hopefully you're really young and you have time. But I work with a 50 yo man like that and it's awful. Excuses and half-truths and covering his tracks and you never know what's been done or not, not a straight answer. People work it out and then either avoid you or never trust you. Someone who says, "I fucked up, I'm sorry, what are the consequences I need to face" has momentary discomfort and then feels better. I wonder if lying to cover up issues was a thing in your house growing up.

OTM1982 · 06/10/2023 06:42

My husband was a secret smoker. He thought I didn't know, I did! He still comes home now and occasionally smells of it and I'll just say 'Hello Smokey Joe'. I don't care. My job isn't to micro-manage his health and providing he doesn't smoke in the house or around my child, I don't care. He earns his own money so if he wants to spend it on cancer sticks then he can knock himself out.

I have never and will never tell my husband not to do something because if he did so to me that would be the dealbreaker.

However, your girlfriend is different and that's fine. So, you can either tell her and see what occurs or stop. Up to you!

Bleuuuughhh · 06/10/2023 06:47

I’ve smoked for years OP, I told my husband I’ve given up on several occasions. They can smell it even if you can’t. Save yourself the stress, come clean and then try and give up.