Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with men and dating

53 replies

strugglingtounder · 05/10/2023 17:28

I am in my late 30s and have a very successful career, my own place, a lovely family and great group of social friends from university and from various workplaces. I am fit, active and social. I enjoy life.

I look around 10 years younger than I am – I constantly have to carry ID with me. I am also told I am very attractive. I have never struggled to get male interest. I’ve had many dates and boyfriends over the years. I am fun to be around, I am kind and respectful.

I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant. I am outlining this for background.

Until recently, I have been very optimistic and strong minded and felt good about life. I have everything going for me and have been dating over the years. I attract smart, educated, nice looking men who start off well. But it’s been one bad relationship after the next. Not from my side – it’s always been them.

I went to see a therapist recently who said he couldn’t see any issue with me, as I couldn't help but wonder if it was me. But he is seeing many women who end up in relationships with narcissistic men. That I am not necessarily attracting these guys, they are everywhere, and I need to be better at spotting them.

Thing is, I have a strong bullshit detector, and can weed men out at the start of dating and relationship. I screen intensely and only date ‘the cream of the cop’ – eg, decent men. But each and every guy I have been with has ended up being nasty and selfish. They start off pursuing hard, they are really into me, polite, respectful. Then 6-12 months later, the mask slips and they are awful, arrogant, losers. Many end up cheating or leaving abruptly, as if nothing happened. I’ve even been ghosted after a two year relationship for reasons totally unknown to me.

Some of them come begging back, asking for forgiveness. Two in the past year contacted me to say I was perfect, inside and out, and that they regretted messing things up.

I am confused as to why this keeps happening.

I look around me, and it’s also happened to so many women I know – their husbands, partners etc lying, cheating, not pulling their weight, leaving them etc. The only difference is that I never end up married or in a long term relationship as I don’t put up with it for long enough.

It is starting to mess with my head and I don’t know what to do as I’d really like to meet a decent guy to settle down with and have a family.

My dad is wonderful, two of my best friends are guys – I’ve never had a reason to doubt men. But now I am becoming jaded.

Does anyone else have similar experience?

OP posts:
GreyDress · 05/10/2023 17:32

I have a strong bullshit detector

then just a line or 2 later

each and every guy I have been with has ended up being nasty and selfish

To me this screams a lack of self awareness.

GreyDress · 05/10/2023 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sorrynotathome · 05/10/2023 17:33

What @GreyDress said

MintJulia · 05/10/2023 17:35

You have a career, friends, dcs, so how much time do you allocate to your intimate relationship? A lot of people want to feel they are the centre of their new partner's world but your dcs and your career are important to you.

Maybe they feel they come lower down the list and don't like it.

I've had the same issue, a man who can't get his head around the fact that school run is more important than a night away with him.

Original poster
strugglingtounder · 05/10/2023 17:37

Hi MintJulia thanks for posting
I don’t have any DC - I meant my parents, siblings, cousins etc
I have a lot of time and love to give
that’s not the issue
I’ve been on holidays, do trips on weekends etc
I know the importance of giving your partner time

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2023 17:39

*They start off pursuing hard

Potentially another red flag you are missing.
(Love bombing, whirlwind-esk relationships)

6 to 12 months...Well tbf that's about the time you get to know ANYONE. Almost everyone is on their best behaviour for the first 6 months.

Be careful whom you give your heart to. There's no rush. Treat the first 18 months as a just for fun and company type of relationship. When the fun stops, stop. If it doesn't, great.

category12 · 05/10/2023 17:44

Maybe you need to scrap the idea you have a good bullshit detector - and think about what if anything these relationships/men had in common, whether there were any red flags you might have missed? Maybe you're screening for the wrong things?

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 17:48

What on earth does being asked for ID have to do with this thread...

Original poster
strugglingtounder · 05/10/2023 17:48

I’ve been over this extensively with my therapist category12

I don’t think it’s me. Nor does he.

honestly

i have spoken to friends and family who have met many of these guys and liked them!

im not in self denial

there just seems to be a lot of shit men out there

OP posts:
GreyDress · 05/10/2023 17:52

What on earth does being asked for ID have to do with this thread

The op is saying that they look young, and therefore deserving of ‘the cream of the crop’.

Whenwillitpass · 05/10/2023 17:56

So if it’s not you then it must be them. Where does this leave you - either you consider it a numbers game and keep trying in the hope of finding ‘a good one’, or you throw in the towel and resign yourself to the single life. I’m not sure what other options there are.

Yettisrus29 · 05/10/2023 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tarquina · 05/10/2023 18:11

You and literally thousands of other women .... welcome to an every growing club who are far too good for the men on offer.

I was the same as you when I was your age and now I am in my mid 60s and still have not found a decent, kind, loyal man so I have long since given up.

category12 · 05/10/2023 18:18

strugglingtounder · 05/10/2023 17:48

I’ve been over this extensively with my therapist category12

I don’t think it’s me. Nor does he.

honestly

i have spoken to friends and family who have met many of these guys and liked them!

im not in self denial

there just seems to be a lot of shit men out there

Yeah, but narcs and players etc are charming and people like them. It kind of goes with the territory.

Farmageddon · 05/10/2023 18:19

a very successful career, my own place, a lovely family and great group of social friends from university and from various workplaces. I am fit, active and social. I enjoy life.

All of this sounds great, but to be honest OP, your success will probably put a lot of men off. I know that sounds bad but there are very few men out there who aren't intimidated by a woman who has her shit together. They don't want an equal, they want someone they perceive as less successful.

You may get lucky and find the exception to the rule but most of the guys will happily pursue you hard for the chase (and the sex) and then lose interest because they don't want you showing them up.

Missflowers1981 · 05/10/2023 18:20

I don’t think it is you OP as you mentioned some of them come back asking for another chance. I think it’s good not to settle for just anyone and perhaps the reason why they have tried again is because they realise how good it was with you. Some men dither and can be unappreciative of a good relationship due to a variety of reasons until they get an epiphany one day. But that’s on them.

I also agree that love bombing is quite common in the first year and then they probably feel like they have caught you so don’t have to try as hard.

I wouldn’t keep trying to figure them out- maybe just continue enjoy your life and when you feel ready venture out there again with dating etc.

Farmageddon · 05/10/2023 18:22

Also if two of your friends are men, are they straight? Would you consider dating them? Or at least ask them honestly why you think men are doing this? You may get some insight from their answers.

Otherwise if you really want children you may need to look into freezing your eggs.

EncroachingLoaf · 05/10/2023 18:23

I'm finding similar op. Except all I am getting is emotionally unavailable men, men with quite serious mental health issues or men who don't want anything serious (but pretend they do for a few months).

I am noticing that I am vulnerable to overlooking red flags because I'm at the stage where I would really like a relationship. This is where I've come unstuck recently and got hung up on a guy who on paper is perfect but in reality very much not. I ignored crappy behaviour from him cos I really liked him!

Is there a chance your bullshit detector isn't as good as you think maybe? I mean it's hard to detect when it's being actively hidden!

The best advice I've seen is make a list of all the qualities that you want in a partner. Then, rather than looking for them in a man, embody them yourself. Got to be a good starting point at least 🤷🏻‍♀️

ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 18:23

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 17:48

What on earth does being asked for ID have to do with this thread...

And if she is late 30s looking 10 years younger she shouldn't be asked for ID as a late 20s is not below the age limit for anything.

Idk it's just bad luck.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/10/2023 18:24

I’ve been over this extensively with my therapist category12... I don’t think it’s me. Nor does he.

But your therapist isn't privy to how you act in relationships, only in the consulting room. And you're paying him.

category12 · 05/10/2023 18:24

I don’t think it is you OP as you mentioned some of them come back asking for another chance.

Isn't that just normal for narc-types? They treat you badly or vanish, then try to reel you back in for another go-round. It has nothing to do with the OP as such, it's just what they do.

ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 18:27

I think narc is over used. True NPD is so rare.

I don't think what OP describes in unusual. It's just that everyone can behave well to start with to impress people. Then the mask inevitably does slip. The real you comes out. It isn't anything sinister but doesn't everyone behave well for the first few months ?

LightSpeeds · 05/10/2023 18:33

I really think that men have changed: their minds and expectations of women have degenerated a lot over the last decade or so due to porn, people like Andrew Tate, the incel movement, the knowledge that conviction rates for sex crimes are almost zero, the general abuse that people sling round on the internet, etc.

I've done OLD from time to time over the last 18 years and the difference between then and now is truly shocking.

When I first started (in 2005) the quality of the men was really high. Now it's like a cess pit with most men ready to insult you, call you nasty names, send you a filthy picture, or try it on within a millisecond of either your interest or disinterest looking likely! Just fucking awful.

Specialized101 · 05/10/2023 18:34

I get that im going to be hung drawn and quartered for this so here goes nothing...
I`m currently in a relationship with a Woman just like yourself,shes everything that you claim to be and yet none of her relationships ever seem to last either.
Shes really hard work ! Literally nobody in her life including her can see why she has these issues and nobody ever tells her that shes ever wrong about anything,so her partners including me become the villain when were again arguing about something ridiculously and we point out her part in the repeated cycle of pointless and petty issues.I spoke to her best friend at great length recently out of desperation and she said that they all know that GF is really hard work but they dont tell her when shes wrong as shes so sweet they dont like to tell her the truth and upset her ! So the cycle just continues.
If the theme is recurring then surely it has to be something that youre doing wrong too? Maybe youre just not good at relationships either

treesash · 05/10/2023 18:37

GreyDress · 05/10/2023 17:52

What on earth does being asked for ID have to do with this thread

The op is saying that they look young, and therefore deserving of ‘the cream of the crop’.

Jesus! Not another 'ID' thread. Everyone thinks they look younger and most people find themselves asked for ID, at many advanced ages. Nothing to do with the problems you've been having with dating. The attitude and tone is telling, however. Sorry to be harsh.