Struggling with men and dating

[strugglingtounder]

I am in my late 30s and have a very successful career, my own place, a lovely family and great group of social friends from university and from various workplaces. I am fit, active and social. I enjoy life.

I look around 10 years younger than I am – I constantly have to carry ID with me. I am also told I am very attractive. I have never struggled to get male interest. I’ve had many dates and boyfriends over the years. I am fun to be around, I am kind and respectful.

I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant. I am outlining this for background.

Until recently, I have been very optimistic and strong minded and felt good about life. I have everything going for me and have been dating over the years. I attract smart, educated, nice looking men who start off well. But it’s been one bad relationship after the next. Not from my side – it’s always been them.

I went to see a therapist recently who said he couldn’t see any issue with me, as I couldn't help but wonder if it was me. But he is seeing many women who end up in relationships with narcissistic men. That I am not necessarily attracting these guys, they are everywhere, and I need to be better at spotting them.

Thing is, I have a strong bullshit detector, and can weed men out at the start of dating and relationship. I screen intensely and only date ‘the cream of the cop’ – eg, decent men. But each and every guy I have been with has ended up being nasty and selfish. They start off pursuing hard, they are really into me, polite, respectful. Then 6-12 months later, the mask slips and they are awful, arrogant, losers. Many end up cheating or leaving abruptly, as if nothing happened. I’ve even been ghosted after a two year relationship for reasons totally unknown to me.

Some of them come begging back, asking for forgiveness. Two in the past year contacted me to say I was perfect, inside and out, and that they regretted messing things up.

I am confused as to why this keeps happening.

I look around me, and it’s also happened to so many women I know – their husbands, partners etc lying, cheating, not pulling their weight, leaving them etc. The only difference is that I never end up married or in a long term relationship as I don’t put up with it for long enough.

It is starting to mess with my head and I don’t know what to do as I’d really like to meet a decent guy to settle down with and have a family.

My dad is wonderful, two of my best friends are guys – I’ve never had a reason to doubt men. But now I am becoming jaded.

Does anyone else have similar experience?

Really interesting to hear a man saying this.

Can you elaborate on how they're getting worse as life partners and what the crisis of masculinity is?

This is a myth that might still have been true 10 years ago. With normalising of women having careers and coat of living crisis majority of men actually would prefer a woman with earning potential.

I agree that these days it's pretty much necessary for both parties to work to maintain a decent standard of living for a family, my point was that often these men do not want a woman who is doing better than them in life.

If the woman earns money, has a career - fine. But if she outdoes them in professional or salary terms - not so fine.

Of course not all men, but I would say some men definitely resent their partners for it, or feel emasculated. Not to mention many of these men fail to do their fair share of childcare/ housekeeping duties - that is still left to the women.