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Original poster

Struggling with men and dating

53 replies

strugglingtounder · 05/10/2023 17:28

I am in my late 30s and have a very successful career, my own place, a lovely family and great group of social friends from university and from various workplaces. I am fit, active and social. I enjoy life.

I look around 10 years younger than I am – I constantly have to carry ID with me. I am also told I am very attractive. I have never struggled to get male interest. I’ve had many dates and boyfriends over the years. I am fun to be around, I am kind and respectful.

I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant. I am outlining this for background.

Until recently, I have been very optimistic and strong minded and felt good about life. I have everything going for me and have been dating over the years. I attract smart, educated, nice looking men who start off well. But it’s been one bad relationship after the next. Not from my side – it’s always been them.

I went to see a therapist recently who said he couldn’t see any issue with me, as I couldn't help but wonder if it was me. But he is seeing many women who end up in relationships with narcissistic men. That I am not necessarily attracting these guys, they are everywhere, and I need to be better at spotting them.

Thing is, I have a strong bullshit detector, and can weed men out at the start of dating and relationship. I screen intensely and only date ‘the cream of the cop’ – eg, decent men. But each and every guy I have been with has ended up being nasty and selfish. They start off pursuing hard, they are really into me, polite, respectful. Then 6-12 months later, the mask slips and they are awful, arrogant, losers. Many end up cheating or leaving abruptly, as if nothing happened. I’ve even been ghosted after a two year relationship for reasons totally unknown to me.

Some of them come begging back, asking for forgiveness. Two in the past year contacted me to say I was perfect, inside and out, and that they regretted messing things up.

I am confused as to why this keeps happening.

I look around me, and it’s also happened to so many women I know – their husbands, partners etc lying, cheating, not pulling their weight, leaving them etc. The only difference is that I never end up married or in a long term relationship as I don’t put up with it for long enough.

It is starting to mess with my head and I don’t know what to do as I’d really like to meet a decent guy to settle down with and have a family.

My dad is wonderful, two of my best friends are guys – I’ve never had a reason to doubt men. But now I am becoming jaded.

Does anyone else have similar experience?

OP posts:
Katysara · 05/10/2023 18:38

There's another long thread on this and I believe, quite honestly, that a lot of men online dating at this age are a bit shit. Not all, but a lot. Commitmentphobes, who have a merry-go-round of women, troubled men etc. I see friends and people I know stick with men they've found but they're not great. One's charming and wealthy, but he's an addict. Another has a series of 'crazy' exes. I'm not sure I could be in those relationships. I think you keep trying but be aware that it's a hard age. Build a life for you.

Floogal · 05/10/2023 18:41

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Katysara · 05/10/2023 18:42

How is she hard work -@Specialized101? I'm not being rude, I mean it seriously

Catsafterme · 05/10/2023 18:44

It could be that your screening is off and in fact you are selecting those who will turn out like that. If they come on hard and seemingly have everything going for them as well like career and money on top, high chance.

Not to say you can't find that but genuine ones won't come on hard, they will take it slower and enjoy getting to know you as a person.

treesash · 05/10/2023 18:47

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SeminalDruid · 05/10/2023 18:56

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user1493400455 · 05/10/2023 19:06

If a poster would have written they are unattractive, overweight and are not successful in life, a lot of the replies to you OP would have been different. I love that you are confident and know yourself!
As for the men, you will find your one. It really is just a case of the right one coming along x

SeminalDruid · 05/10/2023 19:19

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user1493400455 · 05/10/2023 19:27

Sorry, didn't mean to cause offence! It's just so many women do not value themselves, have high confidence levels etc. I think it's nice to hear for a change. It just seems as soon as a woman does state that she is confident and knows she's attractive etc, she is jumped on and torn down

category12 · 05/10/2023 19:31

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I imagine it's the Challenge-25 thing rather than her thinking she looks under 18.

heartbroken40 · 05/10/2023 19:42

OP, I had incredible success OLD (now in quite a long relationship). Like you, I'm successful professionally, own a big house in a very nice part of London, speak several languages etc

I think the secret is always being a bit detached. I mean you meet these guys and you can even fall in love but know if they leave it's not the end of the world because you have an amazing independent life.
I think once you get attached you become a bit needy or expect too much.

I do make the mistake sometimes (still) but I refrain myself from actually telling him, instead I fill my life with other stuff and he always comes back

If you are as successful as you say you are, you need to find a true man, those who don't resent it but actually support you in your career. There are some around (not too many). I met amazing men on tinder and hinge, I assume they are now happily coupled but really try to work on yourself and don't assume it's just them being shit

Only my 2 cents of course but have a think really and please do consider the possibility that maybe you are also doing something wrong (yes I have a therapist too, who's exceptional )

EarthSight · 05/10/2023 20:03

I wonder if there are any similarities between these men OP. Please could you tell us, on average -

How you met these men.
What they said they were looking for in a woman.
If you saw them online, what kind of profiles did they have (as in, did they have bathroom selfies and nonsense like that)?
What their earnings or careers are.
What you had in common with them.

occhiazzurri · 05/10/2023 20:14

Where are you meeting these men- is it at work, through friends/family, regular hobbies? I think you can do a lot more vetting and trust people when you meet them in a familiar setting than on OLD. Unfortunately, the pool of single people at this age tends to attract a lot of avoidants, narcissist etc who remain single for a long period of time or move from one relationship to the next. Are the people you are dating also A type personality? My personal experience with such people as someone who works in finance is that it is predominantly narcissists and people who are looking for the next best thing at any and all ages. I think some of the previous posters also have a good point- a lot of people are simply lazy and expect you to have no expectations/boundaries and if you do, you may be labelled hard work. Men who are single in their 30s/40s in today’s world are just lazy. And this is why so many of us have given up on them.

blackbeardsballsack · 05/10/2023 20:24

I know a lot of single women who like you, are intelligent, beautiful, solvent, and lead fulfilling lives. I honestly think that many single men are just ineligible and inadequate.

ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 20:32

blackbeardsballsack · 05/10/2023 20:24

I know a lot of single women who like you, are intelligent, beautiful, solvent, and lead fulfilling lives. I honestly think that many single men are just ineligible and inadequate.

Why is a woman being solvent and intelligent and leading a good life seen as exceptional by both men and women?

Tbh I don't know any women who aren't solvent and don't have their shit together or their own job and income etc etc

I can't honestly believe the calibre of men the OP seeks would be queuing up to claim such women either.

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 20:41

@ShellySarah In wider society there are many who aren't that, in my village for example, and all they have partners.

  1. those things aren't as common as you think
  2. many men desire the opposite of those things
ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 20:54

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 20:41

@ShellySarah In wider society there are many who aren't that, in my village for example, and all they have partners.

  1. those things aren't as common as you think
  2. many men desire the opposite of those things

Fair enough. I guess it depends where you live and what you do yourself. I guess if you have a career you are more likely to know other women who do

blackbeardsballsack · 05/10/2023 20:56

What I am saying is that there are lots of women about who have many great qualities and lots of men about who don't.

Birthdayblu · 05/10/2023 22:04

@Specialized101 Your post is 100% projection of the issues you have in your relationship. Nothing about the OP suggests she is a ‘difficult woman’ or bad at relationships - only that she hasn’t found the right one yet.

And to the poster suggesting the OP is somehow not fumbling this because these ex partners come back… I really couldn’t disagree more. That says everything about their indecision/poor behaviour, not hers.

OP, I could have written a similar post. I’ve had men pursue me like crazy and fade out. I’ve had proposals, live-in relationships, flings and everything in-between. I’m similarly set up like you (although in my early thirties) and take no nonsense. Just remember any man intimidated by your attributes is not the right one. You don’t need to dim any aspect of your personality. Maybe you and your therapist can’t find fault because… it’s not you.

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 22:53

@ShellySarah True, I work myself, it's just more examples of how different the sexes can be.. What we think would be attractive vs what they think.

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2023 22:54

blackbeardsballsack · 05/10/2023 20:56

What I am saying is that there are lots of women about who have many great qualities and lots of men about who don't.

I wonder if they say the same about us?

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 23:53

LightSpeeds · 05/10/2023 18:33

I really think that men have changed: their minds and expectations of women have degenerated a lot over the last decade or so due to porn, people like Andrew Tate, the incel movement, the knowledge that conviction rates for sex crimes are almost zero, the general abuse that people sling round on the internet, etc.

I've done OLD from time to time over the last 18 years and the difference between then and now is truly shocking.

When I first started (in 2005) the quality of the men was really high. Now it's like a cess pit with most men ready to insult you, call you nasty names, send you a filthy picture, or try it on within a millisecond of either your interest or disinterest looking likely! Just fucking awful.

This.
Its true. I came off OLD and started meeting people in person eg meetup. Not for purpose of meeting men, just to meet new people. Expanding my social circle and life. I changed my outlook. If it happens ok..if not...ok too. I like your confidence btw. Blow your own horn !!! Youre the only person who knows your strengths.

Singlepringle1980 · 06/10/2023 08:19

How are you meeting these men? I think online dating has a lot to answer for I think Men now think they have endless options at the swipe of an app. I think this makes them feel like they can hop in and out of relationships (especially if they are as you put it “the cream of the crop”) to keep getting the buzz of something new. I’m also single and have struggled to find a man without issues. The 6 month window before they show their true colours is a recurring problem - sadly can’t offer you any advice but I agree it is unlikely to be you. I think I’m emotionally stable, good job, acceptably attractive and friends/colleagues seem to enjoy my company. I’m now at a stage where I could quite happily be single forever.

NP101 · 06/10/2023 15:34

I'd argue men are in fact getting worse (I say this as a man) as life partners. There is a crisis of masculinity which only seems to be growing.

Women are also achieving a lot more but their desires in a partner haven't really changed with it. This is resulting in a smaller and smaller pool of men to choose from who feel the world is now their oyster.

I'd echo some other posters and recommend ditching the apps and trying to meet men through your social or work circle.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/10/2023 17:49

NP101 · 06/10/2023 15:34

I'd argue men are in fact getting worse (I say this as a man) as life partners. There is a crisis of masculinity which only seems to be growing.

Women are also achieving a lot more but their desires in a partner haven't really changed with it. This is resulting in a smaller and smaller pool of men to choose from who feel the world is now their oyster.

I'd echo some other posters and recommend ditching the apps and trying to meet men through your social or work circle.

Can you elaborate? It seems to me like women have just raised their standards and are now rightly demanding that men actually bring something to the table beyond just “being a man”. I know plenty of attractive, solvent, nice women who are single but most of the single men I know treat women like crap.