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Original poster

Is it normal for parents to lose all interest in you once you have DC yourself?

74 replies

Wotchaz · 05/10/2023 07:54

Genuinely not sure if I’m being over-sensitive here or if this behaviour isn’t ok.

My mum adores my 2 DC (2 and 5). She visits us for a couple of hours every other week, and when she’s here has absolutely no interest in speaking/catching up with me at all, unless it involves DC updates - she just wants to play with them. Any attempt to move the conversation to a non-DC topic is ignored or deflected. The relatively short visit is her preference, she’s always invited to stay for lunch or longer but declines. Whenever we go anywhere together for a longer period of time (a day out for a birthday, or a holiday once a year) she always makes me out to be the “bad guy” by constantly trying to push the plans and activities to be bigger/longer/more exciting, even when DC are exhausted - but I know she’s not doing this intentionally, she just gets carried away.

We had a rocky relationship when I was younger, but thought that we’d got closer during my late 20’s - would have an hour phone call most weeks just chatting/catching up. But now she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in me. The catalyst for this thread that I haven’t been able to get out of my head, is that we spent the day at hers a couple of weeks ago because it was her birthday. I work in the city that she lives in, and pre-DC we used to get together semi-regularly for lunch. She asked how often I was going into the office, and I genuinely thought she was going to suggest lunch. But actually what she wanted was for me to take eldest DC out of nursery for a day and drop her off at hers on my way into the office so they could spend the whole day together without us. Now hypothetically I have no problem with this, but it really hurt that she actively wants to make plans without me.

TL;DR: my DM essentially ignores me now I have DC but wants to spend time and spoil them. AIBU to feel hurt and left out?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 05/10/2023 07:56

I guess she just loves being a Gran.

PosterBoy · 05/10/2023 07:58

If she wasn't that great a mum, is it such a good idea to let her get so close to your kids?

Perhaps she is trying to redeem herself but from the way she treats you, I would be wary.

Did she always play favourites?

Shortbread49 · 05/10/2023 08:00

Mine stopped being interested in me when I was 11 she has a new toy now so has no need for you now although she may well do the same to your children, mine has now

saraclara · 05/10/2023 08:03

My little DGDs tend to demand our attention (in the nicest possible way). Sometimes I feel the same with my daughter as I did when my friends had babies and I didn't. It's really hard to have a normal conversation without being interrupted or needing to interrupt it.

So yes, I miss chatting to my DD sometimes.

FrozenGhost · 05/10/2023 08:10

I'm not sure if it's normal or not.

My mum is opposite, and isn't really interested in my dc. She would never agree to spending the day with dc, and wouldn't look after them even if it was an emergency, let alone volunteering to do so.

I'm guessing most people have a middle ground.

theduchessofspork · 05/10/2023 08:12

It’s not unknown…

But I would talk to her about it, say you miss her and would like to reinstate your lunches. She has obviously fallen in love with being a granny and will find it hard to focus on you when the kids are around.

It will reduce as they get older - her baby obsession will fade, and they will get more focused on their peers, so your relationship will likely pick up.

minipie · 05/10/2023 08:19

Mine are the opposite. Very happy to chat to me. Relatively little interest in small DC (though rather more now they are older).

However, I have read on mumsnet about grandparents who want to have the GC “all to themselves” ie without their own child there. So it’s clearly quite common.

I do see that it’s a bit hurtful, but perhaps see the silver lining that she adores your DC, and enjoy the child free time?

Newgirls · 05/10/2023 08:22

Some people are better with young kids than teens/young adults. Young kids are easier to control and get positive feedback from?

HereComesColinFrissell · 05/10/2023 08:45

My DM is the same

I am an only child so her only chance for grandchildren, but I have 2 DC's and they are her focus

Sometimes I feel invisible and just a taxi to bring them to see her and take them home

You're not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this

VesperLynne · 05/10/2023 08:47

Frequently the other way around until they want free childcare.

rosesarered94 · 05/10/2023 08:50

My mum was like this. Once I had my babies she never seemed interested in me. I'd go to her house and she'd never ask me how I was or even offer me a drink she'd just be very invested as a Grandmother. We never had a good relationship because she's a narcissist and once she started showing behaviour of that to my own kids I stopped contact.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/10/2023 08:51

Someone told me "no one cares about the oven, they care about the cakes". You're the oven.

Lovethatforyouhun · 05/10/2023 08:54

I would cut down on the amount of time
your children spend with her. She sounds shallow, fake and nasty. Sorry OP. She will drop them once they answer back too.

MammaTo · 05/10/2023 08:57

I think it sounds fairly normal-ish.

Since I had my baby my mum can get carried away but, I can hear her making a conscious effort to ask how I’m doing when she catches herself.

GOODCAT · 05/10/2023 09:02

I think it is a normal biological response to grandchildren. My sibling had similar but as the grandchildren have grown up it has changed and rebalanced. The grandchildren are still my mum's priority though.

I don't have kids, so I am even further down the pecking order, but I see it as normal and get on well with everyone in my family.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2023 09:06

Yes , of course it would make you feel sad to be left out . I have 2 dgc . I wouldn’t do that . Maybe tell her how you feel .

dottiedodah · 05/10/2023 09:11

My Nan was similar .Mum felt a bit left out at times I think.We were very close and she looked after me a lot when Mum worked (60s/70s).When I had DC she always wanted to talk to me .and later on DD.Loved DS as well but he was hectic so maybe a bit much for her!

Coughingdodger · 05/10/2023 09:17

There are women who only like cute little babies and small children and lose interest as they grow older. Such women sometimes have large families and focus exclusively on the youngest. Others may have a rocky or distant relationship with their older DC, then swing back into contact when the grandchildren appear.
Would this be the case with your mother? If so, it’s good that your DC have a loving grandparent but her interest may fade as they grow older.

RudsyFarmer · 05/10/2023 09:20

Wotchaz · 05/10/2023 07:54

Genuinely not sure if I’m being over-sensitive here or if this behaviour isn’t ok.

My mum adores my 2 DC (2 and 5). She visits us for a couple of hours every other week, and when she’s here has absolutely no interest in speaking/catching up with me at all, unless it involves DC updates - she just wants to play with them. Any attempt to move the conversation to a non-DC topic is ignored or deflected. The relatively short visit is her preference, she’s always invited to stay for lunch or longer but declines. Whenever we go anywhere together for a longer period of time (a day out for a birthday, or a holiday once a year) she always makes me out to be the “bad guy” by constantly trying to push the plans and activities to be bigger/longer/more exciting, even when DC are exhausted - but I know she’s not doing this intentionally, she just gets carried away.

We had a rocky relationship when I was younger, but thought that we’d got closer during my late 20’s - would have an hour phone call most weeks just chatting/catching up. But now she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in me. The catalyst for this thread that I haven’t been able to get out of my head, is that we spent the day at hers a couple of weeks ago because it was her birthday. I work in the city that she lives in, and pre-DC we used to get together semi-regularly for lunch. She asked how often I was going into the office, and I genuinely thought she was going to suggest lunch. But actually what she wanted was for me to take eldest DC out of nursery for a day and drop her off at hers on my way into the office so they could spend the whole day together without us. Now hypothetically I have no problem with this, but it really hurt that she actively wants to make plans without me.

TL;DR: my DM essentially ignores me now I have DC but wants to spend time and spoil them. AIBU to feel hurt and left out?

I think it is pretty common from reading on here. My mother was enraptured with my sibling’s children so even worse she would come over and spend time with mine whilst talking about theirs. That was interesting!!

Nowadays she comes over and ignores the children and talks to me about my sibling, my sibling’s children, complete strangers and herself 🤣🤣

Cannellinicrush · 05/10/2023 09:33

Yes OP. I’m afraid this was my ‘normal’ too. She had leant on me for emotional support for many years prior to that.
Very enthusiastic about the children and no interest in me.
Made it easier for me when she died though I suppose.

INeedNewShoes · 05/10/2023 09:48

Yes; I was definitely relegated after DD was born. It's actually getting a bit better now though as she's getting older (now 6).

DataColour · 05/10/2023 09:50

My mother hardly any interest in my kids and no interest in me. She used to be a bit better 10year ago when the kids were toddlers but in past few years nope, nothing.

GodspeedJune · 05/10/2023 09:57

My DM dotes on my DC and I definitely feel lower down the pecking order now! The caveat is that my DM still makes time to talk to me so although I know I’m lower down in her affections, there’s no question that she doesn’t still love and support me.

Do you feel you could talk to her about it?

Coconutcoffee · 05/10/2023 09:59

My mum is generally only interested in herself! She loves me and grandchildren but can only interact with people if she is the focus!!!!! Telling her important information is a nightmare. As soon as you try to tell her something she will launch into a monologue about her often irrelevant experiences! I have to really brace myself for an exhausting conversation when I have news to share.

Limetreee · 05/10/2023 10:01

My mum was similar to this, she actually said she loved them more than me ! She still cares about me though. But now she’s very elderly she’d much rather see the Grandchildren and Great-grandchildren rather than me.