Is it normal for parents to lose all interest in you once you have DC yourself?

[Wotchaz]

Genuinely not sure if I’m being over-sensitive here or if this behaviour isn’t ok.

My mum adores my 2 DC (2 and 5). She visits us for a couple of hours every other week, and when she’s here has absolutely no interest in speaking/catching up with me at all, unless it involves DC updates - she just wants to play with them. Any attempt to move the conversation to a non-DC topic is ignored or deflected. The relatively short visit is her preference, she’s always invited to stay for lunch or longer but declines. Whenever we go anywhere together for a longer period of time (a day out for a birthday, or a holiday once a year) she always makes me out to be the “bad guy” by constantly trying to push the plans and activities to be bigger/longer/more exciting, even when DC are exhausted - but I know she’s not doing this intentionally, she just gets carried away.

We had a rocky relationship when I was younger, but thought that we’d got closer during my late 20’s - would have an hour phone call most weeks just chatting/catching up. But now she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in me. The catalyst for this thread that I haven’t been able to get out of my head, is that we spent the day at hers a couple of weeks ago because it was her birthday. I work in the city that she lives in, and pre-DC we used to get together semi-regularly for lunch. She asked how often I was going into the office, and I genuinely thought she was going to suggest lunch. But actually what she wanted was for me to take eldest DC out of nursery for a day and drop her off at hers on my way into the office so they could spend the whole day together without us. Now hypothetically I have no problem with this, but it really hurt that she actively wants to make plans without me.

TL;DR: my DM essentially ignores me now I have DC but wants to spend time and spoil them. AIBU to feel hurt and left out?

I second this. With my DC, less interest was shown by both sets of GPs towards end of primary really. Made worse by BIL now having very young DC, so all attention now directed towards them. What can you do?

I've always been very close with my children, and now DD2 is a mum, I think we would both say we are closer than ever.
I look after toddler DGS a few days a week and I absolutely adore him, but I also very much look forward to DD2 coming to fetch him after her working day , catching up on her job and news and just seeing her!

She certainly hasn't moved down the pecking order since she had him; I'm just in awe that she combines a very difficult job with being an amazing mum to a very active toddler! I couldn't love her more, and I make sure I tell her that!

And yes I am besotted with my little grandson but not at her expense!!

I'm not doubting either of your lived experiences. Just giving an example on the 'other side'.

My parents were involved with my DC's lives until they became to ill to do so (Dad had a neuro disease, Mum had dementia). But even when they could no longer truly communicate with us, their eyes lit up when our sons walked in the room. Dad's been gone 24 years and I can still see him reaching to touch them, and my mum years later, not quite knowing exactly who they were, but still saying 'mine, mine' and patting them because she still knew they 'belonged' to her.

Guess I should add, they were young teens when Dad died and adults when Mum went through her dementia 'journey'.

Probably not worth commenting 3 pages in but …

I think you’re being over sensitive. My mum had already passed away by the time my children came along. No MIL either. Probably my mum would have been a nightmare, but my children would have loved her and I would never have taken that away from them, or from my mum.

What I wouldn’t give to have her still alive? I used to listen to others moan about their parents or, more usually, they’re in laws, and think, ‘Why are you being like this?’. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose to have positive relationships with them

As for, ‘She thinks more of them than me,’ well, you’re a grown up now. Get on with it.

Grandparents can't really win on mumsnet. They're over involved or they don't care enough. They want to come round too often or they don't come round enough. They don't want to do childcare, or they do it, but not to the child's mother's high standards..

And now we have a new one. They don't care about their grandkids enough, or they care about them more than their own child.

I must get my DD some flowers or something in appreciation for her actually accepting and appreciating me for the grandparent I am.

Thanks everyone for the comments - I appreciate them all, even the more “robust” ones. FWIW, I have no plans to do anything to curtail her time with my DC or say anything negative about her in front of them. They adore her now but if, as some of you suggest, she’s likely to lose interest as they grow up a bit I’m sure they’ll be able to judge for themselves.

But it’s good to know that (a lot, at least) think IANBU for being a bit hurt that she has no interest in my life beyond the girls any more. Feeling a bit sore this morning because she put photos on the family WhatsApp last night where she’d gone out for dinner with my brother and sister, I didn’t even know it was happening. Obviously they have no obligation to invite me, but if it was the other way round there’s no way one of them would be left out. And she knows from our conversation the other day that it was my day in her city, they were eating just round the corner from my office and I must have almost walked past them. Just feeling v invisible I guess.

I think you are a bit mad to let her groom your kids to continue a pattern of making you the black sheep/one who isn't invited to stuff, but at least that part is your active choice to let it happen. I'm sorry about your siblings and mum excluding you.

@Wotchaz if you miss the lunches with your mum, tell her. You're expecting her to read your mind.

I probably naturally see more of one daughter than the other, because of the grandkids, but that's because she's now available as she only works part time, or because I'm doing childcare for her children. So I'm at pains to make sure that I sometimes see the other daughter on her own. Especially as she loses out on conversation when we're all together, as naturally things tend to revolve around her nieces if we're not careful. So your mum is entitled to see your sister without you.

I became a gran nearly 2 yrs ago and I don't understand this !
I love and adore my little grandson and I am totally besotted with him BUT my daughter is still my daughter and she will always be my little girl in the nicest possible way ( as are all my children of course. They are always your " baby " if you know what I mean. )
Actually someone made this v comment to me recently when she said that her mother said she loves her grandchildren more than her ! She wanted to know if I felt the same but I can honestly say hand on heart that I don't.
My grandson is my daughters child as she is mine and I don't feel anything can be stronger than that bond.
So OP I feel for you and it must be v hurtful.

But it’s good to know that (a lot, at least) think IANBU for being a bit hurt that she has no interest in my life beyond the girls any more. Feeling a bit sore this morning because she put photos on the family WhatsApp last night where she’d gone out for dinner with my brother and sister, I didn’t even know it was happening. Obviously they have no obligation to invite me, but if it was the other way round there’s no way one of them would be left out. And she knows from our conversation the other day that it was my day in her city, they were eating just round the corner from my office and I must have almost walked past them. Just feeling v invisible I guess.

OP, this is a truly horrible thing for all of them to do. Horrible. I'd be really upset with all three of them. And then to put it on social media so you can see is just nasty.

In your shoes I could not let this go. Also, if you can afford therapy it might be very helpful for emotional support in tackling a toxic dynamic like this.

That sounds pretty shit. I adore my 3yo DG, we look after her a day a week, but tbh if DS comes with DIL and GD for lunch at the weekend I want to spend time with DS to catch up on what is happening with him. The irony is I see DIL more often as she drops/picks up GD and we have a good chat at the end of the day so time with DS is precious. I’m so sorry your mum does feel the same about you.

I think the key thing here is your past relationship with her.
I never find family related questions go well on MN - those from close loving families assume it's a temporary blip and don't see it as a long term pattern.

My experience was that my own mum lost interest in me when I got past the cute childhood stage and started thinking for myself (about aged 10).
As an adult our relationship was superficial although an outside observer might note the regular phone calls and visits.

Once I had children she was all over them again, suddenly wanting way more contact but virtually ignoring me.
Once my own children got past the cute childhood stage (age 10ish again) we are back to superficial and distant, if regular, conversation. She now almost entirely ignores the children.

I've realised my mother has no actual interest in me or the children beyond it feeding her own needs.

Not projecting, but saw some parallels with your relationship and mine.

Thank you, lots to think about here.

I’ve tried to stay quite vague, but the reason I’ve not just spoken to her about it is because while (I thought) we’d got to a place where she was interested and supportive of my adult life and choices, there’s a whole bundle of stuff from growing up (and some from more recently) that is completely off-limits in conversation, and this includes anything that makes her feel like she’s done anything remotely wrong - I’ve never been allowed to question/reflect whether some things that have happened are maybe not 100% my fault.

Maybe I do need more therapy to get my head round the fact that she just doesn’t like me that much and that the 5ish years pre-DC were the blip.

I’m so sorry your mum and siblings are excluding you, that’s hurtful.

In the nicest possible way, my mum ignored me for the children because she was so caught up in adoring them. She would gushingly say goodbye to the toddler in my arms and forget to say goodbye to me.
Fortunately, my dad could see it and would pull her up on it - and exchange eye rolls with me about it.

It wasn’t deliberate, it was just the strong bond she felt to her grandchildren, and it did settle down eventually.

Totally agree . I didn’t carry my dgc , or give birth to them . They are another woman’s children .How could I possibly love them more than my own, there’s no way I can understand that .

So familiar but wait until they are older and have their own voices etc.. the interest will go. My mum was the same, it was very bad, she would ignore my conversations, my worries, if I had any issues she would only relate it to how it would affect my children never me. I just didn’t matter, but then as others have said she didn’t have any time for me after the age of 10. 2 of my boys are now 10+ and she rarely speaks to them now either

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve learnt so much about the sort of grandma I want to be based on how my child’s grandmothers have behaved. I think it’s a power move to say something like ‘I love your kids more than I love you.’ Or ‘who knew you could love a child this much’. It seems they are indirectly saying ‘I must therefore love them more than you do.’ which is clearly not the case. Some grandmas just need to learn to stay in their lane. These aren’t your kids and you’re still a parent and your own kids probably now need your support more than ever. Going about things that way would likely mean they had a better relationship with the GC anyway as a result, rather than suddenly forgetting your own kids exist, using them as a doormat to your GC, trying to totally take over and becoming a boundary stomper.

Sorry OP - sounds like she’s trying to be a better grandparent than she was a parent but without taking responsibility or acknowledging your childhood.

It’s possible that she thinks being the best GM to your kids is a way to make up for it but still not fair on you.

I think you’re right to support her relationship with your kids as she’s clearly a good GM but only if it’s not too detrimental to your well being. X

My mother is like this. She’s a narcissist, and enjoys the unfettered adoration she receives from her young grandchildren, who haven’t yet figured out that they are merely the latest subjects to reflect back her perceived glory. Like a pp above she lost interest in me as soon as I developed my own personality and interests outside of her. She has also said that she loves her GC much more than she ever loved her own children.

I agree.
Ive made mistakes as a parent and have 2 DGC...I adore them. My daughter is busy but we do talk and she always comes to me in an emergency, her health , relationship etc. Rarely we go out without the kids, i don't mind oc but daughter needs a break so its usually me that had older GC so she can go out with partner. We probably go out for couple hour once in a blue moon its more to do with her busy life. We are also very similar and clash at times.
Have u tried asking mum to go out for a cuppa n lunch just with you xx

I am so sorry you are going through this!

You stated that you and your mother had a rocky relationship when you were younger. Then you thought you got close in your 20's. Currently, she seems to disregard you. It seems like this unstable pattern has only continued this whole time, possibly just in longer spans. I think you have reason to feel hurt and left out. I would put thought into that possibly being in your children's future if they continue a relationship with her.

To be honest OP I don't think seeing your children for a couple of hours once a fortnight is making much effort with your kids anyway.
Sounds more like a token gesture so she can tick the involved grandmother box and as you have said she is not interested in anything more I wonder what her true motive is.

I agree...Iknow its different circumstances, but i see my grandkids every week unless mums busy. I have my grandson stay over every week (other GS is too young his mum wont let him atm .. attachment stage)..and I travel to see them, and i work and im disabled. If you really want to, youll find a way.