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Original poster

Is it normal for parents to lose all interest in you once you have DC yourself?

74 replies

Wotchaz · 05/10/2023 07:54

Genuinely not sure if I’m being over-sensitive here or if this behaviour isn’t ok.

My mum adores my 2 DC (2 and 5). She visits us for a couple of hours every other week, and when she’s here has absolutely no interest in speaking/catching up with me at all, unless it involves DC updates - she just wants to play with them. Any attempt to move the conversation to a non-DC topic is ignored or deflected. The relatively short visit is her preference, she’s always invited to stay for lunch or longer but declines. Whenever we go anywhere together for a longer period of time (a day out for a birthday, or a holiday once a year) she always makes me out to be the “bad guy” by constantly trying to push the plans and activities to be bigger/longer/more exciting, even when DC are exhausted - but I know she’s not doing this intentionally, she just gets carried away.

We had a rocky relationship when I was younger, but thought that we’d got closer during my late 20’s - would have an hour phone call most weeks just chatting/catching up. But now she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in me. The catalyst for this thread that I haven’t been able to get out of my head, is that we spent the day at hers a couple of weeks ago because it was her birthday. I work in the city that she lives in, and pre-DC we used to get together semi-regularly for lunch. She asked how often I was going into the office, and I genuinely thought she was going to suggest lunch. But actually what she wanted was for me to take eldest DC out of nursery for a day and drop her off at hers on my way into the office so they could spend the whole day together without us. Now hypothetically I have no problem with this, but it really hurt that she actively wants to make plans without me.

TL;DR: my DM essentially ignores me now I have DC but wants to spend time and spoil them. AIBU to feel hurt and left out?

OP posts:
Abbyant · 05/10/2023 10:02

I might have too close of a relationship with my parents because they live across the road but we chat pretty much every day either face to face or over FaceTime and we talk about everything not just the kids.

cutegorilla · 05/10/2023 10:06

Is it normal for GPs to be besotted with DC? Yes, I'd say that's not abnormal. Do you have a healthy relationship with your Mum? No, I think there are issues there.

You have to assume she won't change, then decide what kind of relationship you want from here. Feeling hurt at being rejected is definitely not unreasonable though.

Justaredherring · 05/10/2023 10:15

You say you had a rocky relationship growing up. I wonder if your mum is actually well aware (consciously or subconsciously) of her imperfections as a parent and is somehow trying to get it right/redeem herself by doing a better job as a grandparent than she did as a parent? I think it’s worth having a chat where you say you miss her, rather than criticising how she is as a grandparent/parent. You’d probably (hopefully!) get a better reaction

MsRosley · 05/10/2023 10:25

Were you overlooked as a child, OP? I can understand why your mum's behaviour is painful. It could be that she feels more at ease interacting with children too young to have any kind of real expectation of her, or that she sees this as an opportunity to have a 'do-over'.

As to what you do about it, I'm not sure. You could try talking to her directly about it. It may be as they get older, she loses interest.

1month · 05/10/2023 10:31

When my nieces and nephews were young I do think it was all about them, simply because they took up so much of my attention.

Now they’re older I give them some fuss when I first see them and then they often do more of their own thing so we talk about ourselves more.

So I think it’s totally normal that your kids get most of your mums attention and she is more interested in their life than yours.

But it’s not normal for her to completely dismiss what you are saying and keep coming off the conversation.

I would keep bringing it round back to you.
So if she changes conversation, say I’ll tell you about that in a minute or as I was saying …

What are you trying to talk to her about?
Is it something she might be jealous about?

cocksstrideintheevening · 05/10/2023 10:38

Happened with my mum, I would open the door and she'd walk straight past me "where's my babies" drove me mad. It definitely impacted our relationship and still does even now DTs are 13.

Johnnybegood2 · 05/10/2023 10:47

Ah OP that's shite. Your feelings are 100% valid.

My Mum hasn't been interested in me as a person since I was 16 when I showed I had my own brain and personality 🙃

I have more in depth conversation with my osteopath then my Mother 😆

I have 2 children. I have the first little boy in our family and was nervous when I had him as I was concerned she would smother him, she has always wanted boys and has been upset previously when others have had them. Well she waxed lyrical for the first month and now 8 months in she never asks how they are 🤷‍♀️

I've decided that I'm not going to make the effort any longer and contact and arrange everything just because she gave birth to me. I now don't contact her but do respond if she bothers to message me.

user123212 · 05/10/2023 10:55

Completely normal. makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. need to keep the young uns healthy and alive!

bonzaitree · 05/10/2023 10:57

You can’t change her behaviour OP.

Its a case of thinking ok this is what she has to give- 2 hours every couple of weeks to see your kids. thats what she has.

the only thing you can really do is accept that or refuse to see her. You could maybe mention to her that she doesn’t seem interested in you and it would be nice for her to take an interest. But that’s unlikely to have any effect realistically.

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 05/10/2023 11:03

It's sad. Some people think it's cute when grandparents say 'I love my grandkids more than I love my kids', as though they expect people to be impressed. I just think they sound like shitty parents.

My mum loves her grandkids and would drop everything to help out at a moment's notice but I've never once felt she has more interest in them than her own children.

YANBU to feel hurt by this.

DangerousAlchemy · 05/10/2023 11:06

Limetreee · 05/10/2023 10:01

My mum was similar to this, she actually said she loved them more than me ! She still cares about me though. But now she’s very elderly she’d much rather see the Grandchildren and Great-grandchildren rather than me.

I can't imagine ever thinking this let alone saying it out loud! It's pretty hurtful really.

StephMD89 · 05/10/2023 11:24

I have to disagree with the majority here, I don't think it's normal.

You already didn't have a great relationship growing up and now things seem to be back to the same way. I'd definitely have a conversation with her and tell her how you are feeling.

Namddf · 05/10/2023 11:59

Justaredherring · 05/10/2023 10:15

You say you had a rocky relationship growing up. I wonder if your mum is actually well aware (consciously or subconsciously) of her imperfections as a parent and is somehow trying to get it right/redeem herself by doing a better job as a grandparent than she did as a parent? I think it’s worth having a chat where you say you miss her, rather than criticising how she is as a grandparent/parent. You’d probably (hopefully!) get a better reaction

@Wotchaz I second this. My experience is very similar, and it’s like my DC are my DM’s ‘second chance’ at being a caring parent. My DC are older now, but they still have a good relationship with my DM and I am grateful for that, if sad for myself.

I would be thankful that she has a good relationship with them and focus on breaking the cycle and maintaining a good relationship with your own DC so that you have this when they become adults.

WeightoftheWorld · 05/10/2023 12:26

I think this is fine tbh. My DPs are both quite like this since I had kids, my DF similar to your DM, my DM not as extreme. But tbh I don't mind, I value their help with the DC, their interest in them, their love for them. I didn't grow up around DGPs so I'm glad my kids have that. And I'm so busy anyway it would be difficult to see my DPs without the kids. I'm sure your DM still loves and cares for you just the same but she's showing it in a different way now, through her relationship with your kids, which I think is fine and normal.

WeightoftheWorld · 05/10/2023 12:29

DangerousAlchemy · 05/10/2023 11:06

I can't imagine ever thinking this let alone saying it out loud! It's pretty hurtful really.

Show quote history

I think it's probably something to do with love for children though and our instincts to protect and care for them. This is evolutionary important and we don't have the same instincts towards adults, surely even if they're your own kids? I dunno as my kids are little but just a thought. My DF has said this to me too about my kids, but I don't think it's true in the sense that I don't think he loves me any LESS now, but that the instincts towards young children are strong and different.

Mummabee87 · 05/10/2023 13:16

My inlaws are like this, they love having the grandchildren but seem to prefer to have them without me and DH. DH often feels like they have lost interest in him. When we are all together, it can be hard to get MIL to focus on a conversation as shes going 100 miles an hour with the kids. They never stay more than 5 mins with pick ups/drop offs. They had the baby for me the other day and left even though they knew DH would be home within 10 mins. I could see this annoyed him a little but he just gets on with it now. We try to add time in when we drop/pick up so we can see them.
My DM is the opposite and likes spending time with me and the kids. She helps me massively with my 3 month old and 4 year old. I always end up staying atleast 30 mins with pick ups when she has the kids. My sister is the opposite with my DM and spends as little time as possible with her.
I would try and tell her how you feel, or make the most out of some free child care! Aslong as the kids enjoy spending time with her

DelightfullyDotty · 05/10/2023 16:40

I’d be happy with that. My mum talks to me for hours each week and knows virtually nothing about me. She just doesn’t have the mental capacity and that’s that.

Duckskitbank · 05/10/2023 16:45

Mine isn’t interested in me or the grandchildren!

saraclara · 05/10/2023 16:52

I think it's probably something to do with love for children though and our instincts to protect and care for them. This is evolutionary important and we don't have the same instincts towards adults, surely even if they're your own kids?

I think that's a lot to do with any perceived difference. I wouldn't say that I love my DGFs more than my DD at all. But it's a different kind of love. I feel instinctively protective of the DGDs in the same way that I did my DD when she was a small child. I love my DD in a more settled and conscious way.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/10/2023 17:09

My mother has her flaws but one thing about her I have always valued is that she has never had a favourite between my sister and I and while she loves my children, it's what I would describe as proportionate (maybe 50% as much as she loves me 🤣). Crucially, she has never made my sister, who doesn't have children, feel any less than. I see that dynamic all the time and think it's bloody terrible, indeed I've know a few cases where I think people (subconsciously perhaps) had children to get their parents attention by proxy, especially when they saw the attention lavished on the first few grandchildren.

Coconutcoffee · 05/10/2023 17:36

DelightfullyDotty · 05/10/2023 16:40

I’d be happy with that. My mum talks to me for hours each week and knows virtually nothing about me. She just doesn’t have the mental capacity and that’s that.

Same!!!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2023 17:38

I wouldn't say my parents (and iLs) 'ignored' DH and me precisely, we'd still chat and whatever, but the focus of their attention certainly 'shifted' to the grandchild(ren). But you know, it didn't bother me at all. I felt it was a natural thing to happen. The shift also meant that they wanted to be with and do things with their DGC which meant that DH and I had time to ourselves.

Alopeciabop · 05/10/2023 17:59

Yes this is my experience. But like you had a bad relationship before kids. Not bad bad but lots of underlying tension and unsaid stuff and I acknowledge stuff from her side. It’s annoying af

Wishbone436 · 05/10/2023 18:05

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
my mum is sadly no longer with us, but, even though she worshipped the ground my DCs walked on, she was also still my mum! She was my biggest supporter well into my 30s until she passed. I think it’s usual to be besotted by your grandkids, but not at the expense of your child. We had a rocky relationship in my teens but rebuilt it as I got older. Can you sit and speak to her about how you feel and how you thought things would look?

Duechristmas · 05/10/2023 18:34

Yes, then they lose interest in you altogether when you're kids get to secondary age and no longer want to see them as often . Definitely not all parents but a big enough subset.

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