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Original poster

Relationships and attraction

69 replies

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:09

How many men in relationships do you think are actually attracted to their partners? Genuinely.

Or are they with them for convenience and sex and as long as they are not physically put off by them don't really care what they look like.

And I don't mean in a "I love her and am attracted to all of her" way (because I also wonder how real this is and how much of it is a fiction women tell themselves) but in a "I'm not going to get the sort of woman I am attracted to so it's her or nothing" way.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/10/2023 07:11

As I’m not a man I can’t say, but for me there has to be an attraction to their looks, but I assume that a lot of men just want to ensure they have sex on tap.

RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:12

I'm not going to get the sort of woman I am attracted to so it's her or nothing

i really don't think most men think like this. Men seek meaningful relationships just as much as women do and men also want and need to be attracted to their partner as a whole person just as much as women do. The idea that a large number of men seek a life partner simply based on how they look is...bizarre. Some people of both sexes undoubtedly do that but it's far from the norm.

MaxTalk · 05/10/2023 07:19

5% if that

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:24

I don't think it think a lot of men choose a life partner solely based on looks.

My question was more about how likely men are to be in a relationship with a woman that they're not particularly attracted to at all for the benefits of being in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:32

RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:12

I'm not going to get the sort of woman I am attracted to so it's her or nothing

i really don't think most men think like this. Men seek meaningful relationships just as much as women do and men also want and need to be attracted to their partner as a whole person just as much as women do. The idea that a large number of men seek a life partner simply based on how they look is...bizarre. Some people of both sexes undoubtedly do that but it's far from the norm.

I'm not sure that attraction or lack of it would make a relationship less 'meaningful'.

When men have sex with their partner, is it because they fancy and are attracted to them or is it because they've seen someome/watched something that makes them feel horny and she is there?

OP posts:
YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 07:42

DustyLee123 · 05/10/2023 07:11

As I’m not a man I can’t say, but for me there has to be an attraction to their looks, but I assume that a lot of men just want to ensure they have sex on tap.

This pretty much.
They go after the mist good looking one they can get.
Men only get into relationships/marriage tomake sure the sex keeps coming.
That’s why the non-lookers get into them much younger than the good looking men, they have so much options and can have new 🐱 whenever they want.

And that’s why men made porn.
So at least they can get young/good looking women by proxy.
And help them get through the marriage easier 😉

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:44

That's what I thought.

Thanks.

OP posts:
RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:46

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:32

I'm not sure that attraction or lack of it would make a relationship less 'meaningful'.

When men have sex with their partner, is it because they fancy and are attracted to them or is it because they've seen someome/watched something that makes them feel horny and she is there?

Show quote history

What a weird question! How can you possibly generalise?
I know my DH is attracted to me, but there are sometimes other factors going on that make him feel horny, just as there are for me. That's quite normal really.

RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:47

YesItIsTrue · 05/10/2023 07:42

This pretty much.
They go after the mist good looking one they can get.
Men only get into relationships/marriage tomake sure the sex keeps coming.
That’s why the non-lookers get into them much younger than the good looking men, they have so much options and can have new 🐱 whenever they want.

And that’s why men made porn.
So at least they can get young/good looking women by proxy.
And help them get through the marriage easier 😉

Edited
Show quote history

This is a fucking stupid comment

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 05/10/2023 07:47

What a sad view many of you have of men ☹️.

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:48

RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:46

What a weird question! How can you possibly generalise?
I know my DH is attracted to me, but there are sometimes other factors going on that make him feel horny, just as there are for me. That's quite normal really.

Show quote history

Other factors like what?

OP posts:
RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:48

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:44

That's what I thought.

Thanks.

Are you trying to ask a specific question about your specific man? Because if so, do that. Asking pointless generalisations will only hey you stupid answers that won't help you .

MrLbz · 05/10/2023 07:48

Looks change throughout a relationship, I’m sure a lot of people of both sexes stay together even if their partner has gained weight or lost their looks because they love each other.

RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:50

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:48

Other factors like what?

Show quote history

Do you know what it feels like to get horny and want to have sex? Sometimes it's because you see your partner and think they look fit. Sometimes it's because someone complimented you and you're feeling yourself. Sometimes you've been having a sexual fantasy about something/someone. Sometimes you just haven't had sex for ages. Sometimes you might be hormonal. There are many reasons why people get horny. What actual question are you asking?

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:52

MrLbz · 05/10/2023 07:48

Looks change throughout a relationship, I’m sure a lot of people of both sexes stay together even if their partner has gained weight or lost their looks because they love each other.

From my experience, people stay together for the children, because they worry about finances and fear of not finding anyone else/better and being alone, a change to the status quo.

Anyway, my question wasn't about the reasons for people staying together.

Does it matter if someone isn't really attracted to you or doesn't fancy you if everything else is OK? Would you prefer they were honest about that or not?

OP posts:
RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 07:53

Are you asking about your own relationship?
I wouldn't be happy if my partner didn't fancy me, no. Sex and attraction is very important to me. To others, less so.

MrLbz · 05/10/2023 07:55

I’ve stayed in relationships where my partner has gained a lot of weight (and lost it again later).

Pretty sure it was the right call not to tell her that she had got fat!

However I would like to know if my partner wants me to make changes.

Maybe a gendered thing?

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:58

What actual question are you asking?

I don't think my partner finds me attractive. I don't think he fancies me. He is quite affectionate but rarely initiates sex. I'm not sure I want him to anymore because I assume that if he can lie in bed with me naked night after night without any response, the nights he is interested must be for some reason other than me.

How I look/behave makes no difference. If we go out and I look as nice as i can he's no more or less likely to want sex than if I get in from work and put my dressing gown on over my work clothes.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 08:01

I find it affects how I feel whe we do go out or watch films etc.

I wouldn't mind him finding other women attractive if he also found me attractive and fancied me. But I don't think he does. I think he only wants sex with me when he's turned on by someone/something else. I think most of the time he just has a wank and leaves me alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 08:10

I'm not particularly attractive.

The consensus on MN seems to be that, if he is having sex with you, he finds you attractive. I don't think that's how it works.

I've no doubt that there are some women whose partners are genuinely attracted to them.

OP posts:
RowenaEllis · 05/10/2023 08:10

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:58

What actual question are you asking?

I don't think my partner finds me attractive. I don't think he fancies me. He is quite affectionate but rarely initiates sex. I'm not sure I want him to anymore because I assume that if he can lie in bed with me naked night after night without any response, the nights he is interested must be for some reason other than me.

How I look/behave makes no difference. If we go out and I look as nice as i can he's no more or less likely to want sex than if I get in from work and put my dressing gown on over my work clothes.

Have you asked him?
Why do you assume he doesn't fancy you, rather than assuming he has a low sex drive, which it sounds more like? Have you bought into the myth that all men are up for sex at all times and are only limited by opportunity? Because that's bollocks!

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 08:29

I have asked him. He avoids the question.

He either flat out denies that he doesn't find me attractive but without any reassurance that he does. There's no explanation and no conversation. He just shuts t down. I don't think he wants to talk about it.

He's not unkind, he doest blame me, he's thoughtful and attentive. He goes above and beyond for me. But he just isn't interested in me sexually. Until he is.

I don't think he has a low libido. I just don't think he fancies me.

OP posts:
emmylousings · 05/10/2023 09:07

Wow you are all massively over generalising and have a very bleak view of men, which doesn't reflect my knowledge of many hundreds of men I've known in my life as friends, mates, family members, boyfriends. I'm not misty eyed about men at all, but its dangerous to 'other' them like this. It creates more divisions between the sexes which is unhealthy.
I have a young adult DS and he does not think along the lines you suggest at all. He is good looking, can take his pick, but looks for meaningful relationships with women, as friends and girlfriends.

Lili132 · 05/10/2023 09:19

But people sometimes do get bored in a relationship regardless of how attractive their partner is.

JIMMI85 · 05/10/2023 09:49

Some of these comments!!

Men actually have a stronger preference for attractiveness generally, compared to woman are more selective about other characteristics because their time for reproduction is more limited so they can't risk choosing poorly.

I'm not saying ALL men find their partner attractive physically, but I can guarantee for those that don't, its not because they can have 'sex on tap' ( which is ridiculous) but because they find their partner attractive in other aspects and also, that as many woman, possibly more, don't find their partner attractive but are with them for the same reasons.