Relationships and attraction

[HowManyDocs]

How many men in relationships do you think are actually attracted to their partners? Genuinely.

Or are they with them for convenience and sex and as long as they are not physically put off by them don't really care what they look like.

And I don't mean in a "I love her and am attracted to all of her" way (because I also wonder how real this is and how much of it is a fiction women tell themselves) but in a "I'm not going to get the sort of woman I am attracted to so it's her or nothing" way.

He might not and I am sure lots don’t. There will be lots of women who don’t find their men arrractive anymore either. As you alluded to, lots of people stay with their partners out of habit, for financial reasons and for the kids rather than the fact they still have the hots for them. Saying that I think a lot of women actually marry men that they don’t fancy that much just because they are seen as safe and good father potential.

its shit when you don’t feel attractive though and the Nuclear option of leaving for that reason when you do still have some sex is not a good one to think about.

it’s demoralising though. I get that and have had periods of that myself.

What would you do if he admitted he didn’t?

I was wondering this when I was at the airport in the summer. Basically I spotted quite a few couples where the woman was looking.... maybe not her best? Idk I am sure they are lovely but to be blunt, overweight/ unkempt and just generally frazzled and I was sitting there observing how the husband had just totally checked out. Walking in front of her / away from her etc, that kind of thing.

I remember thinking if my SO ever acted like that around me how I wouldn't put up with it. I'd leave. But then (again, being brutally honest) I don't think I'd ever let myself go to that extent either....

Have you posted about this a few times lately, under different usernames? If it is the same poster, I think you need real life help. The Mumsnet threads always end up going round in circles, with you not taking on board what posters say.

I have never found my partner physically attractive. I could have someone much better looking (sometimes I dream of it), but I am attracted to what's inside. They are very kind and loving and selfless, too, they would do anything for anyone, their only downfall is they need to loosen up a bit and have a laugh sometimes, otherwise they are great. Our sex life is impacted by my lack of sexual attraction to them, but they don't know this. They just think I have a very low sex drive, but the truth is, I have a sex drive, and I want to have sex with someone who's super hot. I can have sex with them, but I've got to be really in the mood. I try my hardest not to look at them in the face because it can put me off sometimes. 11 years we have been together. But I think it is now wearing me down, and my self-esteem is at its lowest. My point is, I don't believe it's possible to have a successful and happy relationship with someone if there is no sexual attraction. Just my opinion from my experience

I think you're approaching this from the wrong perspective OP.

My DP is most likely to want to have sex in the week after her period, we have it the rest of the month sporadically, but during that week it's more nights than not.

Does she find me more attractive than week? Well probably yes, but it's not because I spontaneously get better looking one week in four, like some bizarre were-hunk.

It's because she's hornier, and not because she's seen someone on TV, or been watching porn or thinking about someone else, she just wants more sex.

It's the same for men too, stress, tiredness, how recently I've had sex all come into play when it comes to how in the mood we are.

Some men might be horny all the time, but most aren't, and it sounds like your husband has a particularly low sex drive, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you, just that he doesn't fancy sex that frequently.

Your next point might be "but we used to have more sex", but the fact is that when you're in a new relationship, sex is new and exciting, and you have it even when you're not that horny because you don't know how long the relationship is going to last, so you'd better take every opportunity while you can.

When you've been together 15 years, you can be reasonably sure that the other person is still going to be around tomorrow, so you don't need to take absolutely every opportunity when you're not horny right that second.

I'm not saying that you don't have an issue OP, mismatched sex drives can be a fucker. But that's the issue you should be worrying about, not whether he's horny for you or just plain horny. That way madness lies.

That's really sad. Don't you think you deserve to henwith someone you fancy and he deserves to he with someone who fancies him? Or is the rest of it good enough?

I haven't 'let myself go'. But I admit I don't make as much of an effort these days because I just feel stupid.

I don't know.

Tbh, at least I'd know where I stand.

I'd stop wondering and probably suggest we split up so he could be with someone he did fancy.

Absolutely, I do think we both deserve that, but I feel like I am stuck where I am, at least for now. Need stability for our child.

My XH turned out to be gay. I have since met or communicated with a number of other women who have also been in relationships with closeted gay men. Although some had completely sexless relationships for a number of years, quite a lot of us did regularly have sex with our partners. In fact, one of the many things I told myself to convince myself everything was OK was "well, we're having regular sex so he must like me/can't be gay".

So I do think that some men can have sex with someone they're not really attracted to. My ex managed it for 15+ years! I'm now in a relationship with a lovely straight man, who genuinely finds me attractive (I don't just believe him because he says it, but because his whole attitude towards me makes me feel attractive). It feels very different (the whole relationship, not just sex).

I'm not saying your DH is gay, OP, but I do think that feeling that your partner is attracted to you makes a big difference to the overall quality of the relationship. And I think that is likely to be true whatever the reason behind the apparent lack of attraction/them not making you feel attractive.

Do you think he would go for counselling with you so that you can address this together? You're feeling hurt and surely he doesn't want that.

I'm now in a relationship with a lovely straight man, who genuinely finds me attractive (I don't just believe him because he says it, but because his whole attitude towards me makes me feel attractive).

What is it that makes you feel attractive? What is his attitude that makes you feel like that? If you don't mind saying!

No, I know he's not gay.

I don't think he'd want to go to counselling.

Lmao no man is getting married for sex.

@HowManyDocs
I don't know why - but in the past couple of weeks there have been several threads just like this. Not sure if it's the same poster starting them up or what's up.
And it's always - is he actually finding me attractive or is it other people and I am here.
OP is repeatedly told that men need to be aroused/attractive to have sex - as this is how their physiology works. And that she needs to stop judging her relationship by her man's libido. And that any person's libido can fluctuate...
But normally OP doesn't listen and then come back with this sort of thread again.

As far as generalisations go - men marry to have sex/companionship. Women marry to have kids/security/companionship. None of us marry the idealised most attractive Prince/Princess we can find. More attractive people of both sexes have more options so take longer to chose. After some time in a relationship - attractiveness of a partner can change. Or libido can change with life stresses, age and health. And over time relationship deepens and it's not about looks anymore.
At any stage of life judging your self worth by your partner's libido is bound to lead to bad places.

So - OP - just stop fixating on this. Maybe get some help?

It’s so sad you say you don’t make effort nowadays because you feel stupid. I get where you are coming from but you must change your approach. Make the effort for yourself… to feel attractive to other men… I don’t mean with a view to cheat… just to improve the way you feel about yourself. Confidence is a huge aphrodisiac.

I can't. I did but now I just like feeling invisible. I hate the thought of him looking at me and knowing I've made an effort and feeling sorry for me. Or nothing at all. Or think that's the best I can do and he still doesnt fancy me.

I feel like I'm an embarrassment to him when we go out.

Before we go out, I'll come downstairs and he just looks up at me and says "are you ready?" And that's it. I feel so awful, I can't even look at him or make eye contact with him anymore if I've made an effort. I have to have a couple of drinks so I just don't care.

When I've had a coupe of drinks, sometimes I feel OK about myself and I'm often quite flirty with him but he still isn't interested. And I just feel stupid the following day.

I'm a size 12. I feel like if I was slimmer or had bigger boobs or dressed 'sexily', then it would be different. He's suggested a couple of things he'd like me to wear in the past. They are exactly the sort of thing I'd have worn in my 20s but I don't feel it's appropriate anymore. Or I couldn't get away with it.

I've asked him about that and he says he was joking. But he wasn't. I've just lost all of my confidence. I've started making excuses not to go out. Sometimes he goes out without me and sometimes he stays in with me.

I don't mind if he goes out without me. I know he's going to see women he does find attractive but at least I don't have to be there to see them too. I dont have to deal with it.

I do a performance based hobby. I don't even like him coming to support that anymore. He takes photos and then shows me afterwards. I always look hideous. I wish he wouldn't show me the photos because, if I'm not faced with how I look, it bothers me less. I reason that everyone else can see me whether I'm on a photo or not and just try to not let it bother me. But when I'm faced with the reality, it's really hard. I just feel really hostile.

I heard on the radio earlier today 65% of marries people no longer fancy their partner!

Attraction isn't just based on looks. DH and I still fancy each other after 25 years. Looks yes but more importantly a healthy spark.

I'm amazed at the question. Myself and most women I know are in relationships where the mutual attraction is plain to see.
I think the men who engage in a relationship for convenient access to sex are the not the norm in long term relationships.

I'm not really asking if men enter long term relationships just for sex but whether they have sex with their partners because they are attracted to them or because they've sen something or someone who turns them on.

Maybe it's just me and my relationship. I just don't believe he's attracted to me at all. He obviously cares about me very deeply but I don't get any sense of sexual attraction from him or a mutual attraction that is "plain to see".

I can't discuss it either him because he just deflects when I have tried. He won't give me a straight answer.

Which I suppose is my answer.

I think it's hit me hard because we were friends for a few years before we got together. Not close friends but part of a wider friendship group.

He said he'd had a crush on me for a few years.

I've never had a 'real' relationship before for a few reasons.

I feel like if he doesn't find me attractive enough/anymore then no one will. Everything my mum said about me will have been true.

I'm just tired and sad.

That does sound pretty soulless.
I think you do have to keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, but not in a 'flogging a dead horse' kind of way, just as the relationship matures you need to choose your attitude a bit (thinking of him rather than you given what you've said, but it's a general thing of course), not just fall into taking things for granted and deliberately see your partner with fresh eyes by focusing on their attractive qualities if you catch yourself finding things a bit flat.. so someone who never even tried to do that will inevitably cease to feel attracted to any partner they have because you have to fuel the fire.
I think there are some partners who can fizzle out even if you've tried...
I don't know which he is, but it is rather crushing to be so sexually irrelevant to him!

It's awful to hear you are feeling so sad and tired.
Especially if this is 'validating' horrible words you've had inflicted on you in the past.
In reality, you sound as capable of inspiring lust as anyone, we're all just ordinary humans at the end of the day, and sexual attraction is not just the lad mag (showing my age) definition of 'hot', it comes from the within the person looking on as well as the person who is the 'object of attraction'.
I think, given where you're at, I'd be tempted to invest some time in yourself, chasing things that inspire you, make you laugh, feel good (make you feel good, for any reason, whether it would make someone else feel good or not), give yourself a good time by dreaming a bit about how you'd like to be and spend your time if no-one was looking on or judging, what puts a spring in your step? Browsing second hand book shops, helping at local animal rescue place, going for a massage, hiking a mountain, getting your hair done, whatever it is... the attention to your own needs will raise your spirits and remind you that you have a soul and a body that is sensitive and wonderful and anyone would be honoured if you choose to share it with them... then reassess your relationship dynamic later when you're a bit more revived.

Thank you. Sexually irrelevant is exactly how I feel but would never have found the words to describe it that way.

I had one long term relationship before that was completely sexless after about 3 months and wed knly done it a small handful of times before that. We stayed together for another 10 years or so. He just didn't fancy me either and I didn't fancy him. We were good friends and behaved like a couple socially but we were just in a weird friend based fake relationship.

I just don't have any experience of feeling attractive or desired or sex in a long term relationship. For it to have happened twice in the only two relationships I've had must mean it's me. I've had shorter relationships but there were issues with them not feeling attracted to me either which is why they didn't develop into anything more.

I don't know if I'd even know how to be sexual in a relationship.