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Original poster

Relationships and attraction

69 replies

HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 07:09

How many men in relationships do you think are actually attracted to their partners? Genuinely.

Or are they with them for convenience and sex and as long as they are not physically put off by them don't really care what they look like.

And I don't mean in a "I love her and am attracted to all of her" way (because I also wonder how real this is and how much of it is a fiction women tell themselves) but in a "I'm not going to get the sort of woman I am attracted to so it's her or nothing" way.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 23:21

PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 23:12

It's awful to hear you are feeling so sad and tired.
Especially if this is 'validating' horrible words you've had inflicted on you in the past.
In reality, you sound as capable of inspiring lust as anyone, we're all just ordinary humans at the end of the day, and sexual attraction is not just the lad mag (showing my age) definition of 'hot', it comes from the within the person looking on as well as the person who is the 'object of attraction'.
I think, given where you're at, I'd be tempted to invest some time in yourself, chasing things that inspire you, make you laugh, feel good (make you feel good, for any reason, whether it would make someone else feel good or not), give yourself a good time by dreaming a bit about how you'd like to be and spend your time if no-one was looking on or judging, what puts a spring in your step? Browsing second hand book shops, helping at local animal rescue place, going for a massage, hiking a mountain, getting your hair done, whatever it is... the attention to your own needs will raise your spirits and remind you that you have a soul and a body that is sensitive and wonderful and anyone would be honoured if you choose to share it with them... then reassess your relationship dynamic later when you're a bit more revived.

Thank you.

The difficult thing is that I already do all of those things. I have hobbies and interests, I put myself out there. I have self care stuff I like to do.

But it's starting to impact on those things now too.

I'm just self conscious all the time. I hate doing anything that makes me aware of my body. I hate being seen or visible. I've lost my confidence and can't even make idle conversation with strangers like I used to.

I'm only really at peace when I'm at work. Not because I love my job but because I'm so busy, I don't have time to think or feel anything other than the pressure of work.

OP posts:
Mary1234567 · 05/10/2023 23:23

This is really sad and if I found out my partner felt that way about me I’d be so hurt. I hope you find a hot person who is also kind (they exist!) and release your partner to meet a soulmate who finds them irresistibly hot too (there will be someone who does for everyone!)

PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 23:24

Inhibitions are a funny thing though.
Even if you are the 'common denominator' here, that doesn't mean it's innate.
If someone was raised with a parent giving a strong message of unwantable (in whatever sense), this is going to run through your self image like a stick of rock, nobody is immune from seeing ourselves through others eyes, we're built that way as creatures.
That being the case, how are you supposed to flow forth as a (sexually) confident person whose desire is communicated fully, in clear expectation that it would be reciprocated.
More likely inhibitions will mute that passion and act as a barrier to a deep connection.
So even if your sex life has been less than glittering it could be that actually there is greater potential and with the right support you could heal some of these cruel messages to give it a chance.

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 23:51

Mary1234567 · 05/10/2023 23:23

This is really sad and if I found out my partner felt that way about me I’d be so hurt. I hope you find a hot person who is also kind (they exist!) and release your partner to meet a soulmate who finds them irresistibly hot too (there will be someone who does for everyone!)

Why do you assume I'm not attracted to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDocs · 05/10/2023 23:55

PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 23:24

Inhibitions are a funny thing though.
Even if you are the 'common denominator' here, that doesn't mean it's innate.
If someone was raised with a parent giving a strong message of unwantable (in whatever sense), this is going to run through your self image like a stick of rock, nobody is immune from seeing ourselves through others eyes, we're built that way as creatures.
That being the case, how are you supposed to flow forth as a (sexually) confident person whose desire is communicated fully, in clear expectation that it would be reciprocated.
More likely inhibitions will mute that passion and act as a barrier to a deep connection.
So even if your sex life has been less than glittering it could be that actually there is greater potential and with the right support you could heal some of these cruel messages to give it a chance.

He was starting to feel like that person until he lost interest.

I described myself once as being like a match.

I always feel like I burn brightly for a short time and then I go out. I don't know how to sustain someone's interest. I don't know how to be attractive to someone long term or how to be more than I am.

I just can't do it.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 06/10/2023 00:03

Maybe it's because deep down it doesn't feel real so you can sustain it for a time.
But I'm only speculating with armchair psychology based on a few scant details... Perhaps you could talk to someone in real life who would be better placed to try to help you get to the bottom of things.

JamSandle · 06/10/2023 00:04

I think men often choose on attractiveness more than women do.

And women are often less attracted to there partners physically imo.

CallieQ · 06/10/2023 00:41

'And that’s why men made porn.
So at least they can get young/good looking women by proxy.
And help them get through the marriage easier'

Wow was a harsh cynical viewpoint

Mary1234567 · 06/10/2023 08:43

i Thought the whole original was saying you aren’t attracted to your partner?

Mary1234567 · 06/10/2023 08:43

Original post

Original poster
HowManyDocs · 06/10/2023 09:00

No. I don't think he's attracted to me.

OP posts:
MaxTalk · 06/10/2023 09:30

Who is attracted to their partner forever? Very few I would think.

It's entirely normal to not find your partner attractive some of the time.

NotSoDishyNow · 06/10/2023 10:17

Yes loads of couple together despite attraction gone and it's not necessarily because they lost their looks during the relationship, sometimes you see behaviours that give you the ick. Lots of couples stay together due to money and children.

Have you seen shows like Love is Blind or Married at First Sight.. being attractive is not enough, you literally see where the man thought she was so hot but after getting to know her he doesn't like her anymore.

NotSoDishyNow · 06/10/2023 10:18

I've seen your other threads and it's like you are tormenting yourself. OK, so if he doesn't fancy you anymore, what are you going to do about it?

HowAmYa · 06/10/2023 10:22

If argue that there's a higher percentage of men who are with women they actually find attractive than the other way round.

Been as this site is mostly aimed for women with mainly women users, your post is almost pointless as your asking us a question we can only answer with a guess.

Something about your posts suggest you dont have a good view on men in general

Londonscallingme · 06/10/2023 10:33

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/10/2023 12:14

I think you're approaching this from the wrong perspective OP.

My DP is most likely to want to have sex in the week after her period, we have it the rest of the month sporadically, but during that week it's more nights than not.

Does she find me more attractive than week? Well probably yes, but it's not because I spontaneously get better looking one week in four, like some bizarre were-hunk.

It's because she's hornier, and not because she's seen someone on TV, or been watching porn or thinking about someone else, she just wants more sex.

It's the same for men too, stress, tiredness, how recently I've had sex all come into play when it comes to how in the mood we are.

Some men might be horny all the time, but most aren't, and it sounds like your husband has a particularly low sex drive, but that doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you, just that he doesn't fancy sex that frequently.

Your next point might be "but we used to have more sex", but the fact is that when you're in a new relationship, sex is new and exciting, and you have it even when you're not that horny because you don't know how long the relationship is going to last, so you'd better take every opportunity while you can.

When you've been together 15 years, you can be reasonably sure that the other person is still going to be around tomorrow, so you don't need to take absolutely every opportunity when you're not horny right that second.

I'm not saying that you don't have an issue OP, mismatched sex drives can be a fucker. But that's the issue you should be worrying about, not whether he's horny for you or just plain horny. That way madness lies.

Show quote history

Some good points here OP.

It doesn't make sense to think that because he can lie next to you in bed naked and not try it on that he doesn't find you attractive at all. We don't live in a vacuum and there are lots of reasons your DP might be more or less inclined to have sex with you at different times, that's just life. My DP and I have had a lot less sex since having a child, does he find me less attractive? I guess probably not but to be honest, I don't think about it. I know he loves me and I am sure our sex life will improve as the children get older (i'm currently heavily pregnant with our second child). Our lives aren't exactly 'sexy' at the moment. We are tired and busy and don't get nights alone. I am sure we value each other immensely though and appreciate each other more than ever.

Wineocloc · 06/10/2023 23:15

Some people might lose the attraction to each other but I think also, it does die down a bit when you’ve been together years. You need to both make an effort to feel good about yourselves.

Theres more to attraction to looks. If you’re a miserable sod all the time then you could look like a model but still be unattractive. Plus people get fat and old over the years but it doesn’t mean they stop fancying each other.

Do stuff that makes you feel happy and good about yourself and let that shine through. Talk to him to understand why he’s stuck in this rut and what you can do about it. Don’t just assume he doesn’t find you attractive anymore.

PearPearApple · 07/10/2023 10:28

In response to OP, am being a bit useless and can't work out how to quote you asking me a question!

Sorry, didn't see this. What makes me feel attractive? He's always pleased to see me, affectionate, tells me he thinks I"m gorgeous. It's the way he looks at me, wants to be physically close.

My marriage was so devoid of genuine affection. It's hard to explain, but my gay ex would hold my hand sometimes when we were out and about but it just feels very different when my current partner holds my hand. There is a real difference between it. It might sound like quite a small thing, but everything with my ex just seems so mechanical compared to things with my current partner.

My flaws don't seem to irritate my current partner. My ex used to be very critical and I couldn't really understand why he wasn't able to let some things go. I didn't think he was perfect, but I loved him and accepted his bad bits, too. Now I think he was critical because he didn't love me, so he couldn't overlook minor things. I don't know if that makes sense.

But all these 'little' things permeate the relationship. I just felt a bit rubbish and invisible and like nothing I did was ever good enough for my ex. He was fussy about my outfits and hair, so I felt unattractive. My current partner doesn't see my clothes as such, he sees me. And he tells me how he feels about me.

PimpMyFridge · 07/10/2023 12:34

The quote option moved when the thanks function was introduced, it's under the 3 dots at the top right of a post now

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