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Original poster

Thoughts on the guy's behaviour

68 replies

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:07

Messaged a guy I knew around from school years ago (we're mid 30s) about a mutual acquaintance while browsing & messing around on FB.(He's based in another country within the UK).

He immediately invited me to join drinks with he & his friends/acquaintances while they were back in our hometown for a wedding. The others didn't end up going for the drinks mainly due to adverse weather etc but I still met him and stayed out late chatting in various venues. I offered for him to stay at my house due to the adverse weather (caused flooding on his route) but he declined. I'm not sure if he thought it was a come on as well

During the evening out, I'd asked if he was in a relationship (he didn't raise it) and he said he had been seeing a woman off and on for a while but that they now hadn't seen each other in nearly two months, that they both knew it was over, but that they hadn't had "the talk".
He mentioned that one of his main reservations was that he felt he wasn't physically attracted to her enough (though the "friendship" had grown/they'd gotten close).

The next evening was the wedding, he messaged throughout the evening until it was relatively late (I was on a night out in a different town). The day after he contacted me asking if I wanted to go to the cinema or something, so we did. This time I didn't offer for him to stay at mine, and he (I think) looked a bit disappointed.

He then went back to where he lives and while he stayed in touch (initiated by me) he was slow to respond. I ended up mirroring his pattern and took just as long to respond to him. We arranged to meet for a walk the next time he was visiting our home town (a month later).

Met for walk, again I (not him) raised the subject of his girlfriend and asked has he met her and had the talk. He said he tried to but she got extremely upset and asked him to delay ending until she had gotten through a significant time of the year. He said he felt bad because she is estranged from her family etc etc.

I have to admit, I was very disappointed. The vibe was becoming romantic/sexual/dating between us and I felt really uncomfortable. I should probably leave this alone, shouldn't I?

He was talking about moving back to our hometown for various reasons but I don't know how likely he is to, realistically.

I feel like I'm starting to get invested yet he's not finished with this woman he says he's not even attracted to. At one point he said that he's "useless" (about relationship/emotional stuff) and "sticks his head in the sand".

He was an exceptionally high achiever at school in maths/science and I wonder if perhaps he's on the spectrum. That's an aside obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:12

Sorry about the novel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:22

(I should add that when he said he tried to have the talk with his gf etc. etc., I blurted that I didn't think anything should happen between us til they were properly finished, and he said something along the lines of "absolutely, it would taint it").

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2023 20:27

Tell him he can call you after he puts his big boy pants on and ends his relationship like a fucking adult. Better yet, swerve him completely. I bet his girlfriend has absolutely no idea they are on the verge of breaking up. 🙄

Missingmyusername · 04/10/2023 20:29

Doesn’t ring true to me. They didn’t see eachother for two months, both knew it was over but now she doesn’t want to end it?! What the hell?! There was nothing to end allegedly. He’s lying to you or he messes women around, or both! I’d stay well clear.

mrsmingleton · 04/10/2023 20:30

He sounds like he wants to have a bit of a fling with you but have the back up of saying "Well I told you I was in a relationship".

bygollie · 04/10/2023 20:31

I would be suspicious at him saying, that they both know it's over, haven't had "the talk" but haven't seen each over for months.

I would think that this is a fantasy and that his partner hasn't got a clue what's going on!

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:39

He said that they've been on, off and that their mutual friends even told him it wasn't working/to end things with her.

I got the impression she was more into him than vice versa and the friends were actually thinking of her welfare when telling him it wasn't working and to stop seeing her.

I got the impressive they (he and the gf) would finish (maybe he'd finish I suppose) but then hook up/go back together on nights out with mutual friends.

It sort of fits with him saying he's not really attracted to her enough, and with her almost begging him to not finish until event a has passed. He said she said she couldn't cope and didn't want to be single at that time.

Not saying his behaviour is ok in any way; just that it does seem like he's rather indifferent but hasn't got the skills or whatever to deal with this well.

OP posts:
Olika · 04/10/2023 20:41

I wouldn't make any effort to stay in touch with him. It sounds weird he hasn't seen his gf for two months, they both kind of know it's over but now gf is asking not to break up....

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:41

Missingmyusername · 04/10/2023 20:29

Doesn’t ring true to me. They didn’t see eachother for two months, both knew it was over but now she doesn’t want to end it?! What the hell?! There was nothing to end allegedly. He’s lying to you or he messes women around, or both! I’d stay well clear.

It's not impossible they didn't see each other due to his schedule/priorities.

He does stints working away from home ... And he's clearly not prioritising the relationship.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 04/10/2023 20:45

Sounds like a bullshit artist to me.

ZekeZeke · 04/10/2023 20:45

He is having an affair, an emotional one with you.
You are the OW

Furryrug · 04/10/2023 20:49

Sounds like a load of rubbish to me, he hasn't seen the girlfriend for 2 months and she wants him to wait until a certain time before he finishes with her . So she's ok being his girlfriend, knowing that after a certain date, she won't be?
I reckon he is still with her and has no intention of ending it.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:00

From what I've seen, its perfectly possible he might not have seen her for a couple of months if he didn't prioritise it; he works away sometimes, he visits friends flung all over the UK and he has several time consuming outdoorsy/sporty hobbies.

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/10/2023 21:02

I bet his girlfriend has absolutely no idea they are on the verge of breaking up.

This. Classic arseholish behaviour from men who like to have the next one lined p before the last one knows. It seems you dont want to believe it, but I would bet my paycheck he is lying.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:06

So she's ok being his girlfriend, knowing that after a certain date, she won't be?

Obviously I'm only getting one side of things, but I get the impression she's quite vulnerable.

He's not doing her any favours - and I think that's why their mutual friends advised him to finish and stay finished. He relayed that without seeming to realise the censure/criticism it implied; as I said I wonder from how he behaves whether he is on the spectrum.

He was involved in a weird situation at school as well, but I put it down to immaturity etc. Now I know what he's like in this situation I'm wondering if it's his personality/having some form of autism.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:08

It seems you dont want to believe it

My instinct is that he's telling the truth about the state of their relationship and about their relative keenness/investment.

Doesn't mean he's going to actually end things with her any time soon though.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/10/2023 21:12

If you think he has all these communication and social issues, are you sure he's a good fit for you, even if he were to become single? Someone who is emotionally illiterate or unavailable isn't going to suddenly become great relationship material because it's with you.

Missingmyusername · 04/10/2023 21:16

If you think he’s being honest, believe his story and you trust him then good luck. Nobody knows him or you. I think pretty much every poster has called bullshit but we aren’t in your shoes.

By the way I don’t think autism has anything at all to do with it. I think I would attribute it to Pinochioism personally.

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:17

I think I would attribute it to Pinochioism personally.

😂😂

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/10/2023 21:22

You obviously know him better than the MNetters. But what he is saying fits a very old and well known script (how many divorced men have crazy exs?, or are only staying for the children, or are not sleeping with their wives, etc etc). 99% of that is bullshit.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:29

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:12

If you think he has all these communication and social issues, are you sure he's a good fit for you, even if he were to become single? Someone who is emotionally illiterate or unavailable isn't going to suddenly become great relationship material because it's with you.

Yes, it's a very pertinent point and I've been thinking about it too.

We briefly discussed the communication pattern when he returned to his region, and he genuinely seemed befuddled as to why someone wouldnt bother relying to his latest message for a couple of days or more; in response to him doing that.
I asked him if it was standard for him and he said yes and that it had caused problems in past relationships. That one (temporarily) long distance relationship had ended partly due to it, that several past girlfriends had been unhappy with his communication etc.

So, yeah, even if he becomes single - is a relationship even going to be workable.

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 04/10/2023 21:40

"He’s lying to you or he messes women around, or both! I’d stay well clear".

Sorry but this. I really think you should give this guy a swerve.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:41

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:17

I think I would attribute it to Pinochioism personally.

😂😂

Ironic because I actually find him guileless - like he doesn't even have the sense to not relay things that give the strong impression that ppl disapprove of his behaviour. It seemed to me that their mutual friends were, as diplomatically as they could, telling him to leave her alone and not hook up with her anymore; but he couldn't seem to see the implied censure there, and couldn't see how telling that to an outsider like me would make him look.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:45

Sorchamarie · 04/10/2023 21:40

"He’s lying to you or he messes women around, or both! I’d stay well clear".

Sorry but this. I really think you should give this guy a swerve.

Probably "messes women around" - though perhaps not intentionally.

Not that that makes much difference.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2023 21:47

He doesn’t sound interested in either of you romantically. Sexually maybe, but not romantically.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like he thought he was on a promise and has backed off now he’s realised you’re probably wanting more than that.

I also think if you do sleep with him you won’t hear from him again and you’ll be “the strange situation/girlfriend he’s not seen for a couple of months but haven’t had The Talk yet about breaking up”. Sorry.

Also sounds like history repeating itself – she was/is more keen on him than he is, her. You too. It honestly sounds like you’re more keen on him than he is you.

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