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Original poster

Thoughts on the guy's behaviour

68 replies

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:07

Messaged a guy I knew around from school years ago (we're mid 30s) about a mutual acquaintance while browsing & messing around on FB.(He's based in another country within the UK).

He immediately invited me to join drinks with he & his friends/acquaintances while they were back in our hometown for a wedding. The others didn't end up going for the drinks mainly due to adverse weather etc but I still met him and stayed out late chatting in various venues. I offered for him to stay at my house due to the adverse weather (caused flooding on his route) but he declined. I'm not sure if he thought it was a come on as well

During the evening out, I'd asked if he was in a relationship (he didn't raise it) and he said he had been seeing a woman off and on for a while but that they now hadn't seen each other in nearly two months, that they both knew it was over, but that they hadn't had "the talk".
He mentioned that one of his main reservations was that he felt he wasn't physically attracted to her enough (though the "friendship" had grown/they'd gotten close).

The next evening was the wedding, he messaged throughout the evening until it was relatively late (I was on a night out in a different town). The day after he contacted me asking if I wanted to go to the cinema or something, so we did. This time I didn't offer for him to stay at mine, and he (I think) looked a bit disappointed.

He then went back to where he lives and while he stayed in touch (initiated by me) he was slow to respond. I ended up mirroring his pattern and took just as long to respond to him. We arranged to meet for a walk the next time he was visiting our home town (a month later).

Met for walk, again I (not him) raised the subject of his girlfriend and asked has he met her and had the talk. He said he tried to but she got extremely upset and asked him to delay ending until she had gotten through a significant time of the year. He said he felt bad because she is estranged from her family etc etc.

I have to admit, I was very disappointed. The vibe was becoming romantic/sexual/dating between us and I felt really uncomfortable. I should probably leave this alone, shouldn't I?

He was talking about moving back to our hometown for various reasons but I don't know how likely he is to, realistically.

I feel like I'm starting to get invested yet he's not finished with this woman he says he's not even attracted to. At one point he said that he's "useless" (about relationship/emotional stuff) and "sticks his head in the sand".

He was an exceptionally high achiever at school in maths/science and I wonder if perhaps he's on the spectrum. That's an aside obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:10

It wasn't quite as crazy as it sounds without detail lol.

It was a case of changed/confused arrangements, me going out without my phone, a long drive on his part, and a decision to break the smallest pane of a window tk get access that he knew he could fix, because of his trade.

But there was definitely some anxiety going on there though - about whether I was really at home or not, and what I was doing etc.

I had another relationship with an anxious attacher and he got very jealous, posessive, controlling etc. Well, he tried to be controlling but i wouldn't go along with any of it

So I don't think avoidant and anxious ppl make a good combo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:13

Sorry, quote didn't work - that was in response to Lostcotter

OP posts:
Malarandras · 04/10/2023 23:24

So pretty much everyone here has told you what they think but you just keep saying you have a good radar for lying, you know he’s attracted to you etc. You are not actually taking anything on board so what is the purpose of this thread? If you want to believe what this guy tells you, that’s entirely up to you. It’s you that will have to deal with the consequences not anybody else posting here.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:25

It's horrible fancying a friend and deep down knowing they don't feel that same way about you but they obviously don't dislike you. You just keep hoping that something will change or try to engineer change. None of which is healthy.

Huh?

Are you referring to this scenario?

He's not a friend, I very vaguely knew him from around at school, and an now only starting to get to know him. I fancy him to some extent.
He fancies me, it's obvious.

I don't think he'll proactively/short term end his on-off relationship though.

I also doubt he'll move back to our hometown and don't think his character is remotely compatible with long distance relationships (if he even ended his current relationship).

Discussing this has really helped me get all this clear in my head, so thanks to everyone who bothered to post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:27

Malarandras · 04/10/2023 23:24

So pretty much everyone here has told you what they think but you just keep saying you have a good radar for lying, you know he’s attracted to you etc. You are not actually taking anything on board so what is the purpose of this thread? If you want to believe what this guy tells you, that’s entirely up to you. It’s you that will have to deal with the consequences not anybody else posting here.

I do have a good radar for lying and I don't think he's lying. Im just staying that repeatedly because people keep repeatedly saying he's lying.

That doesn't change the likelihood of a successful relationship ever developing with him.

Processing the ins and outs of that was the point of the thread.

Thank you everyone who contributed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:31

You are not actually taking anything on board so what is the purpose of this thread?

I haven't agreed that he's lying because I don't think he is.

I've taken plenty of other things on board and responded to those poster's points saying I've taken them on board and that they are correct.

You need to read threads before you post.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2023 23:37

So if you only vaguely know him and only fancy him a bit and know that it's pointless getting involved with him, what are you actually trying to figure out? And why does what he does with his life matter to you so much?

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2023 23:41

Oh lol he's a total patter merchant op come on xD

The minute they start coming out with shit like 'it's kinda over but it's actually not' or 'I'm just not that into her...honest' you know they are a bullshitter. And a dickhead.

Don't see him again.

ThatThingYouCantRemember · 04/10/2023 23:44

Maybe you really do have this amazing ability to tell when people are lying… but you seem very blind to when you are lying to yourself…

I suppose it won’t matter what anyone says here. But I do wonder why you value yourself so low to keep this flirting/whatever going on with a man who is in a relationship? The very fact that he doesn’t have the backbone to end it for himself and for her is enough to give any high value woman the ick.

he’s not doing anyone any favors by staying with them out of pity. It’s actually very cruel and quite narcissistic. She should be able to be set free to find someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with her. He is not “all that” enough to be the reason a woman is living. LOL! The very idea!

You seem to be super into him. Even with him lacking a backbone and also not having much active interest in you back. Oh sure, I’m sure he looks at you with attraction. I bet you’re a very attractive woman! Who wouldn’t look at you like that? Surely a man being attracted to you isn’t a rare thing? But he doesn’t seem to put effort into actually making anything real happen with you. That’s so sad.

Based in what you’ve said about him, he seems to just run with whatever is easy. He doesn’t want to do anything hard. If you’re content to be the easy option then go for it, but you seem to have more going for you than just that.

goodluck! No matter what anyone says, look at their actual actions. Don’t fill in the blanks for them, don’t make excuses.. just really look at their actions. It will tell you more than any convoluted conversation ever will.

mrsmingleton · 05/10/2023 00:03

"he seems very easygoing, laissez faire, vague and "grey" .... I think he just sees how it goes/goes with the flow. I think that's how he's ended up dating a woman he's not really physically attracted to & not v invested in. And probably how he seems to have quite a few relationships that fell by the wayside."

so you say this but don't apply it to yourself?

" I think he's actually treating her quite poorly."

and this is an attractive quality?😫

category12 · 05/10/2023 15:51

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:27

I do have a good radar for lying and I don't think he's lying. Im just staying that repeatedly because people keep repeatedly saying he's lying.

That doesn't change the likelihood of a successful relationship ever developing with him.

Processing the ins and outs of that was the point of the thread.

Thank you everyone who contributed.

Show quote history

Everybody thinks they have a good radar for liars. You do not have a super-power, OP.

Orio2023 · 05/10/2023 18:00

I have a rather avoidant attachment style

No shit. This explains why you’re trying to pursue someone who is not available. You’ve really no business doing what you’re doing knowing this man is in a relationship.

You've got a bit of a nerve really to judge him about how he’s treating his girlfriend. Because you’re not treating her well either, are you?

You've attempted to insert yourself into a stranger’s relationship. You’ve come on here to criticize him before deciding his character isn’t compatible with a relationship.

The whole point is op, there is no relationship. He hasn’t said anything to suggest he wants a relationship with you. You’ve presumed an awful lot. And you were going to reject him anyway regardless.

baileys6904 · 05/10/2023 18:12

Actually, I think its wierd overthinking someone you've met up with on just 2 seperate occasions since school.

And if I were him, and contemplating the end of a relationship, I'd be trying not to let the thought of a new one influence my decision either.

People on here always slate men ending relationships on birthdays or festive holidays, or while something traumatic going on, yet when that's used as a reason not to, it's a sign things aren't important....

So no, I don't think the guys behaviour is particularly concerning, yes he could be telling the truth (also may not be) but I think you're investing too much thought into a situation that consists of 2 meetups

Orio2023 · 05/10/2023 18:21

I have a good radar for lying, I don't even need to see people's faces (I can tell on the phone)

No. You think you know, same as you think you know all sort’s about this man and his relationship. Who you only vaguely knew from school. Do you even realise how weird it was to contact someone like that, and to offer for them to stay at your house?

And now you’ve started a thread about him. About his character, his morals and what you perceive are his deficits. Some posters are saying nasty things about him despite the fact he’s done nothing wrong. You seem to be lapping up the idea that he wants some sort of relationship with you. But predictably you’re not going to because of his character.

This man was not available for a relationship with you.

looking4pup · 05/10/2023 18:30

I don't understand why you said nothing can happen until he's had the chat. Did he ever give you the impression he wants anything to happen between you? It seems like he hangs around with you when he visits home but that's it.

Also being autistic doesn't mean we treat our partners like shit. Fed up of people saying any person being a nob could be autistic.

looking4pup · 05/10/2023 18:33

Also what are the different forms of autism?

Orio2023 · 05/10/2023 18:35

And, as I've said, knowing that/believing that doesn't actually reflect well on him. I think he's fucking with a vulnerable person, because nothing "better" is around, and she puts it on a plate for him.
That's not a point in his favour

No. This is a complete projection.
It is you who is fucking with a vulnerable person. You said you thought he had autism and can be socially awkward. You also said you invited him to stay at your house. So it is you that has put it on a plate for him. And he said No.

You don’t want a relationship. You want to fuck with someone which is why you contacted a stranger from school , who you recall as being vulnerable.

looking4pup · 05/10/2023 18:39

Have you used a username recent with the word "step" in it?

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