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Original poster

Thoughts on the guy's behaviour

68 replies

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 20:07

Messaged a guy I knew around from school years ago (we're mid 30s) about a mutual acquaintance while browsing & messing around on FB.(He's based in another country within the UK).

He immediately invited me to join drinks with he & his friends/acquaintances while they were back in our hometown for a wedding. The others didn't end up going for the drinks mainly due to adverse weather etc but I still met him and stayed out late chatting in various venues. I offered for him to stay at my house due to the adverse weather (caused flooding on his route) but he declined. I'm not sure if he thought it was a come on as well

During the evening out, I'd asked if he was in a relationship (he didn't raise it) and he said he had been seeing a woman off and on for a while but that they now hadn't seen each other in nearly two months, that they both knew it was over, but that they hadn't had "the talk".
He mentioned that one of his main reservations was that he felt he wasn't physically attracted to her enough (though the "friendship" had grown/they'd gotten close).

The next evening was the wedding, he messaged throughout the evening until it was relatively late (I was on a night out in a different town). The day after he contacted me asking if I wanted to go to the cinema or something, so we did. This time I didn't offer for him to stay at mine, and he (I think) looked a bit disappointed.

He then went back to where he lives and while he stayed in touch (initiated by me) he was slow to respond. I ended up mirroring his pattern and took just as long to respond to him. We arranged to meet for a walk the next time he was visiting our home town (a month later).

Met for walk, again I (not him) raised the subject of his girlfriend and asked has he met her and had the talk. He said he tried to but she got extremely upset and asked him to delay ending until she had gotten through a significant time of the year. He said he felt bad because she is estranged from her family etc etc.

I have to admit, I was very disappointed. The vibe was becoming romantic/sexual/dating between us and I felt really uncomfortable. I should probably leave this alone, shouldn't I?

He was talking about moving back to our hometown for various reasons but I don't know how likely he is to, realistically.

I feel like I'm starting to get invested yet he's not finished with this woman he says he's not even attracted to. At one point he said that he's "useless" (about relationship/emotional stuff) and "sticks his head in the sand".

He was an exceptionally high achiever at school in maths/science and I wonder if perhaps he's on the spectrum. That's an aside obviously.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/10/2023 21:49

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:45

Probably "messes women around" - though perhaps not intentionally.

Not that that makes much difference.

Show quote history

Intention makes zero difference if you're at the receiving end of it.

Frankly from what you describe, he's not a good prospect for a happy relationship. Why even consider it?

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:59

DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2023 21:47

He doesn’t sound interested in either of you romantically. Sexually maybe, but not romantically.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like he thought he was on a promise and has backed off now he’s realised you’re probably wanting more than that.

I also think if you do sleep with him you won’t hear from him again and you’ll be “the strange situation/girlfriend he’s not seen for a couple of months but haven’t had The Talk yet about breaking up”. Sorry.

Also sounds like history repeating itself – she was/is more keen on him than he is, her. You too. It honestly sounds like you’re more keen on him than he is you.

When he agreed about not tainting the relationship at the start (I can't remember his exact wording), he appeared to be implying a romantic/relationship interest.

As for keenness - I initiated messaging when he went home, but he kept it going. In fact, I forgot to mention, that I let it drift from my side after a while and he was the one to get back in touch about meeting up when he was back visiting our hometown.

Could be just company/sexual though.

"He thought he was on a promise" - that's not a phrase we use in this neck of the woods but I think I know what you mean .... Yes, possibly.

Quite honestly, I doubt he knows himself if he's after something romantic, sexual or anything; he seems very easygoing, laissez faire, vague and "grey" .... I think he just sees how it goes/goes with the flow. I think that's how he's ended up dating a woman he's not really physically attracted to & not v invested in. And probably how he seems to have quite a few relationships that fell by the wayside.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 04/10/2023 22:00

Errrr no it's not hard to see your being strung along and he was hoping for a leg over lol. Oh and btw you only know his side which is convenient for him

category12 · 04/10/2023 22:02

He's ended up dating a woman he's not really physically attracted to.

That's what he'll say about you with the next woman too.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:03

category12 · 04/10/2023 21:49

Intention makes zero difference if you're at the receiving end of it.

Frankly from what you describe, he's not a good prospect for a happy relationship. Why even consider it?

Show quote history

Yes, that's why I said "not that that makes much difference".

I have a rather avoidant attachment style and am quite independent so I thought it might possibly work but .... I think you're correct.

OP posts:
78Summer · 04/10/2023 22:07

Personally I could not date someone who did not reply to a simple text message for two days.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:09

category12 · 04/10/2023 22:02

He's ended up dating a woman he's not really physically attracted to.

That's what he'll say about you with the next woman too.

We're not dating and will probably never date.

As I said, my instinct (which is usually fairly good for lying) is that he's not lying .... I think he's fallen into a convenient hook up situation with a girl who's "around" in his group and he gave it a go in his laissez faire way but he's not very physically attracted to her.
I'm not saying that because i think he'll end the relationship and start one with me; I doubt that will happen. I'm just saying it because I think it's the truth.

Who knows what he'd say about me to his next gf if we ever got involved; probably just similar to what he says about his other exes. Which was very vague and not critical. He was fairly honest about being "useless" and that that sank the relationships.

(Oh and he is physically attracted to me, it's obvious, but that doesn't really amount to shit, given everything else).

OP posts:
Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:14

78Summer · 04/10/2023 22:07

Personally I could not date someone who did not reply to a simple text message for two days.

That's a conservative estimate lol.

If he's in the same area as you, it's pretty much instant.

If he's in different areas, it's days.

I figured we were not dating, we had no pressing need for communication, and I know he has a demanding job and is very absorbed in hobbies so ... I just did the same. Which seemed to befuddle him, ironically.

But he seems to act like that when he's in relationships too, if they're not in the same place. He said it annoyed his exes and contributed to the relationships ending.

No doubt he'd do the same if we ever dated; so category is right (as are you).

OP posts:
griegwithhimandhim · 04/10/2023 22:17

"I should probably leave this alone, shouldn't I?"

In short, yes.

KissKiss29 · 04/10/2023 22:17

He thought you wanted to sleep with him. You changed your mind. Now he isn't sure if your current relationship is worth it. He will have an on and off gf til you decide to sleep with him. He will be off for that period of time and then back on again.

Bobbotgegrinch · 04/10/2023 22:17

I don't really get why you think he has any romantic interest in you OP? He doesn't seem to have shown it.

Even if he was, he doesn't sound like a very good catch, why are you pursuing it?

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 22:29

pictoosh · 04/10/2023 20:45

Sounds like a bullshit artist to me.

This

Zola1 · 04/10/2023 22:32

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 21:06

So she's ok being his girlfriend, knowing that after a certain date, she won't be?

Obviously I'm only getting one side of things, but I get the impression she's quite vulnerable.

He's not doing her any favours - and I think that's why their mutual friends advised him to finish and stay finished. He relayed that without seeming to realise the censure/criticism it implied; as I said I wonder from how he behaves whether he is on the spectrum.

He was involved in a weird situation at school as well, but I put it down to immaturity etc. Now I know what he's like in this situation I'm wondering if it's his personality/having some form of autism.

Edited

Here's a reality check

My ex told the other woman I was vulnerable, that my mental health was terrible, that I wouldn't cope with him leaving me, that he was sleeping on the couch and that we were over. I saw messages of him saying 'there is no me and Zola1'

He forgot to tell me any of those things especially when we were still sleeping together and doing couple things (like sharing a bed and going on dates etc)

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:33

I don't really get why you think he has any romantic interest in you OP? He doesn't seem to have shown it.

Some of it is in the op, some not (I didn't want to write even more than Id already written).

He stayed out a long time on our initial meeting, he followed it the next day by messaging me all day until late (while we were both out), he followed that by inviting me out to the cinema ..... When he went home, admittedly I was the one to message him first but given his general behaviour when at distance from people (even ppl he's in a relationship with) that was not surprising. He then kept the convo going, I dropped it from my side after a while; he initiated it again and wanted to make arrangements to meet when he was back in our hometown. We went for a walk, he took pictures of me, he looks at me like he's attracted, when I asked him if he'd ended his relationship and said nothing could really happen between us until he'd finished it properly, he responded something along the lines of "absolutely, we wouldn't want to taint it". He talked about making arrangements to meet next time he's back again. He seemed keen to tell me that he might move back to our hometown and that it was feasible, in his job, for him to be based anywhere.

These are why I thought he might have romantic interest.

Even if he was, he doesn't sound like a very good catch, why are you pursuing it?

He's intelligent, good work ethic, personable, attractive, sporty, sociable, easygoing etc etc

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 22:36

OP, There is no him and you. Theres only him. You are too invested at such a short space time... considering hes invested nothing. He does sound flaky and i think hes a cheat or wanting to be. His girlfriend doesn't know, nor does he want to break up with her. My view.

ZaraBlue · 04/10/2023 22:39

He's just enjoying having two women to text (when he feels like it of course) with no real commitments to either.
Sorry! Close that door.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:43

Zola1 · 04/10/2023 22:32

Here's a reality check

My ex told the other woman I was vulnerable, that my mental health was terrible, that I wouldn't cope with him leaving me, that he was sleeping on the couch and that we were over. I saw messages of him saying 'there is no me and Zola1'

He forgot to tell me any of those things especially when we were still sleeping together and doing couple things (like sharing a bed and going on dates etc)

Show quote history

Yes, this is a common part of the script.

And it's natural to project common behaviour or personal experience onto other situations.

But not every situation is exactly the same.

In this case, my strongest instinct is that he's telling the truth about his "relationship". That does not mean, however, that he'll end it anytime in the near future.

And just for the record, he never told me or implied that she is unstable or has mh difficulties etc.

I have (rightly or wrongly) assumed she is a bit vulnerable from hearing a bit about her family circumstances; she's estranged from them and was involved in court proceedings around some family issue. And also from hearing about their mutual friends' attempts to get him to stop going back with her/picking her up again.

There would be nothing intentional about it, but I think he's actually treating her quite poorly.

(Not even touching on him meeting up with other women in a not entirely/strictly platonic basis).

I suppose that says it all.

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 04/10/2023 22:50

If he likes you he will end it with his current girlfriend. Men are generally not that complicated.
Don't get it twisted by diagnosing him.
You are overthinking; read the evidence. He is still committed.
Good luck OP

category12 · 04/10/2023 22:51

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:43

Yes, this is a common part of the script.

And it's natural to project common behaviour or personal experience onto other situations.

But not every situation is exactly the same.

In this case, my strongest instinct is that he's telling the truth about his "relationship". That does not mean, however, that he'll end it anytime in the near future.

And just for the record, he never told me or implied that she is unstable or has mh difficulties etc.

I have (rightly or wrongly) assumed she is a bit vulnerable from hearing a bit about her family circumstances; she's estranged from them and was involved in court proceedings around some family issue. And also from hearing about their mutual friends' attempts to get him to stop going back with her/picking her up again.

There would be nothing intentional about it, but I think he's actually treating her quite poorly.

(Not even touching on him meeting up with other women in a not entirely/strictly platonic basis).

I suppose that says it all.

Edited
Show quote history

Don't you think other people who have been fooled didn't equally believe with their strongest instincts?

You want to believe him. That's quite powerful.

It's like you saying oh I know he is physically attracted to me which was missing the point I was making, that were you to be with him, he might in future tell some other woman that he's in a relationship with someone he's not attracted to but he can't bring himself to break up with her. but this time it will be you he's saying it about. It's a convenient story.

Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 22:51

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:03

Yes, that's why I said "not that that makes much difference".

I have a rather avoidant attachment style and am quite independent so I thought it might possibly work but .... I think you're correct.

Show quote history

As someone with avoidant tendencies myself I’m not sure two avoidants are that compatible.

DatingDinosaur · 04/10/2023 22:51

If you didn't fancy him, would you think his behaviour is attractive?

As far as I can tell, that's the only reason you're trying to figure him out. Or rather, you have him figured out but aren't ready to believe it yet.

He's playing the floppy haired lost boy and lapping up the attention.

He hasn't met his The One yet. He's being vague and flaky because he's a drifter.

It's horrible fancying a friend and deep down knowing they don't feel that same way about you but they obviously don't dislike you. You just keep hoping that something will change or try to engineer change. None of which is healthy.

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:53

Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 22:51

As someone with avoidant tendencies myself I’m not sure two avoidants are that compatible.

Show quote history

Well all I know is that the anxious attachers are not compatible with me lol.

I've had them breaking into my house 😂

OP posts:
Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 22:57

Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 22:53

Well all I know is that the anxious attachers are not compatible with me lol.

I've had them breaking into my house 😂

Show quote history

Oh wow! 😯

Sounds more like a regular stalker than your average anxiously attached dude 😅

hope you escaped that situation unscathed!

Original poster
Lowlands23 · 04/10/2023 23:03

category12 · 04/10/2023 22:51

Don't you think other people who have been fooled didn't equally believe with their strongest instincts?

You want to believe him. That's quite powerful.

It's like you saying oh I know he is physically attracted to me which was missing the point I was making, that were you to be with him, he might in future tell some other woman that he's in a relationship with someone he's not attracted to but he can't bring himself to break up with her. but this time it will be you he's saying it about. It's a convenient story.

Show quote history

They probably ignored their instincts.

I have a good radar for lying, I don't even need to see people's faces (I can tell on the phone). Faces and gestures and micro expressions are useful though. I don't think he's lying. I think a combination of character traits particular to him has landed him in this situation.

I'm not saying that because I desperately want to get involved with him; I already know it's v unlikely we'll ever get involved. I'm saying it because that's my strong impression. And, as I've said, knowing that/believing that doesn't actually reflect well on him. I think he's fucking with a vulnerable person, because nothing "better" is around, and she puts it on a plate for him.
That's not a point in his favour.

I fully got your point re attraction, I was just pointing out that I don't think he's ever been that physically attracted to his on off gf, I know he's physically attracted to me. Coming from that; I don't think he's lying about his issues with attraction to her, and I don't think he'd lie and say hed never been physically attracted to me if we got involved and he wanted to move on etc. He just wouldn't mention it, like he didn't mention it about his other exes. Because it wasn't an issue. (Other things sank the relationships).

OP posts:
sazzaz1980 · 04/10/2023 23:10

I would personally avoid, sounds like a whole load of hassle and I feel sorry for his girlfriend…