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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone with knowledge of narcissist abuse help me on this?

80 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 04/10/2023 09:57

My ex was a narcissist. He is/was unable to accept blame, gaslighted and twisted and became violent and aggressive. He put me down all the time. He used to say things like you think you’re so clever, better then me etc etc.

Anyway I was just thinking about the times that were good. Are those good times real? I know his view of things is not logical but when he was nasty he hated me but when he was not he was nice. If you questioned him he changed. Was he capable of love?

OP posts:
Catastrophejane · 06/10/2023 13:39

JanglyBeads · 06/10/2023 10:51

My daughter was the same. Until she saw through him at about 13/14. Now (18) has v little to do with him.

So take heart! I know it's so worrying though.

Show quote history

@Ifyousayso1 were we married to the same man?! This is all very familiar. I can tell my DC are constantly manipulated into spending time with father even though it’s boring for them and he makes no effort to take them out on trips/play dates. He takes them to the pub with him.

@JanglyBeads I hope the same happens with my two. You are giving me hope!

Catsafterme · 06/10/2023 14:46

@LouH21 Thank you, appreciate it. Haven't had the report yet but Cafcass seemed concerned and have raised it to management as believe a child protection plan needs to be put in place. Along with children report and a psychological examination on us both.

Hopefully things will turn soon.

user1471538283 · 06/10/2023 16:47

In my experience my ex never loved me. He wasn't capable of loving anyone. He was capable of briefing mimicking love. He couldn't even show kindness most of the time.

With a Narcisstic the only relationship they have is with themselves.

I wish I had never set eyes on him.

ManchesterLu · 06/10/2023 17:33

I won't write as much as other people have written here. All I will say is I've been there.

It's true that there might have been good times - but the sacrifices you might have made to have them probably won't have been worth it. My ex was nice to me when I did as I was told. Sometimes I'd agree not to go out with my friends and we'd have a genuinely lovely evening at home together. He shouldn't have stopped me, but that didn't stop me enjoying the time we spent together. At that point, anyway..

Nothing can steal any happy memories you may have made - but neither can the bad times be scrubbed out. Remember that, ultimately, the relationship was not healthy.

Nothing is ever all one colour. You'll have shades of grey. But on balance, this man was an abuser and must always be remembered as such.

CBAanymoreTBH · 07/10/2023 09:53

apostrophewoman · 04/10/2023 10:16

I have wondered this exact same thing, I was with a narcissist for ten months up until 3 years ago. At first, I thought I'd hit the jackpot, he was everything I ever wanted, plus amazing sex. I absolutely adored him and we had a fantastic relationship. I am an extremely strong-minded and stubborn woman and I think he struggled with that because I didn't knuckle down as I guess many other women had, and I was obviously a huge challenge. We rowed like nothing on earth, they were awful, but gradually I did start to apologise for things that weren't my fault, I did become a little bit controlled, and it was a hugely awful and stressful time, but the beautiful times still outweighed the bad.

When I eventually ended it, he started to stalk me, first in a love bombing type of way, then in a nasty, vile shouting at me in public and cornering me in the woods when I was walking the dog. I had to have him arrested in the end, but he carried on but n weird ways that, when I told the police, I realise now I sounded like a mad woman. He'd also done the same to his ex-wife. I was on anti-depressants for a short period and had four sessions of counselling which really helped me, and I eventually got over him.

We live in a small town, hence the impossibility of completely avoiding him, and weirdly we have become friends again, which we were before going into the relationship. He's coming over tonight to fit my new blinds. However, he still makes odd comments, little unimportant things, like he doesn't like my skimmed milk. So I tell him if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off and not bother coming again. He laughs. I think if you can recognise and shut down the crap, it's a lot easier, but god, it's exhausting.

In answer to your question, I do believe he loved me totally, but his need for control and dependency outweighed the happiness we did have in each other, and I think it's actually impossible for him to be truly happy because he's too busy looking for that control.

Narcissists like a challenge. The bigger the challenge the more the supply.

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